synthwavesquid wrote:
i wish i fully understood what makes people so "colourful"
which isn't a thought specific to you, but it's something i find myself thinking a lot. for something more specific, i think you're unfair to yourself in regards to your ability (potential ability?), maybe as unfair as i am with myself at times (though i guess i can't really be sure?). you've got more going for yourself than you seem to think you do, is what i think i'm trying to say
mm, i've wondered this before but often find the suggestion unconvincing (not to suggest i'm unconvinced as a result of a definitive or rational conclusion, i think i just don't feel as though everything has been resolved enough to clear any doubt) when that potential isnt reliably exercised, especially when i seem to not recognize what abilities i might have. if i dont have any clarity with who i am or what i can do, and if i dont trust myself without the certainty i look to cling to, then i wouldnt have known or proved to myself whether that imagined potential was ever really true. i'm also highly risk-averse, or at least seem to convince myself of it at inopportune and irrational fleeting moments on a whim, which tends to mean i don't even really try to do anything with myself to find out whether i am or am not capable of something...
...but in many cases, i have tried
something, it just appears that i haven't tried "hard enough" or "long enough", or i haven't tried quite the right approach in order to see a fruitful outcome. this tends to happen with my art and music-- most of anything i create is stopped halfway somewhere in variably anemic conditions... songs last only 30 seconds, or art consists only of a partial sketch or ambiguous linework or blocked-in coloring or something...
or more distressingly, the art and music i try to make isnt even what i wanted to make to start with
i never seem to make what i want, and outside of creative contexts, i never seem to do what i want
...as for your query for "color"...
i don't think i know about that yet either. inquiries similar to yours were what i've fixated on, sampling and examining how people communicated their emotions and frustrations and how they developed logical arguments or otherwise expressed their perspectives (as well the sources and components of those perspectives), while also trying to examine my own expression and communication of "color". all of this was color i didn't fully understand, color which i didn't know how to identify and recognize for some time. but ultimately, there was some kind of chromaticism, and i wanted to understand how it composed me
i think it led to where i am now, increasingly anxious and pensive and sentimentally attached to particular ideals and comforts that i would've liked to indulge in. i don't really know how to characterize my chromatic sentimentality and rationale yet...
...
you were always a curiosity that i dont think i had a clear or confident impression of. you always seemed so beyond me, nebulously sitting somewhere outside my scope, where my focal points would always miss the point. and yet i wanted to watch and examine you from afar, not being perceived and not mutually engaging, completely leaving each other alone, sharing audiovisual psycho-semantic information indirectly between each other
but that's not possible to my awareness beyond the merest facsimile that words and collaborative rhetoric can offer, so i'm effectively blind to what you experience, and i can't really imagine what you see if i have to view it through my own lenses...
through your history with people in the forum, you seem entirely ok to me, a neutral benign party that i vaguely admire or otherwise seem to look up to
