Polyspora wrote:
Achromalia wrote:
also youre probably an ok enough person for me to continue being at least a little vulnerable with (maybe)
damn we backtracked
i dont think so, like i still think of you the same way but im just mostly trying to keep at least a little distance
at this point it's not exactly that much fear anymore, but instead more a generalized sense of internal resistance that i dont totally understand yet... im more familiar with you and i think i like you because of some things! i dont really know how to be precise with this but like, you tend to seem kind of "neutral/temperate" and "dry but careful", and it helps keep things calm and almost cozy. its calming to listen to you too, and i basically always trust that you mean what you say. also, i appreciate your efforts with checking that ive still been eating... and you seem to want to understand how to help, so, there's a lot for me to be grateful for, kind of ^^
and then i struggle a little because of other things... some of that persistence from you can feel invasive, and i don't know if it's a matter of being "too fast" or more just being that i don't really imagine myself actively wanting to share very much of myself with you, i usually have to be asked and even when i do answer i tend to not totally know why im answering when i wasnt really enthusiastic about it
so it can feel complicated. that's probably not everything either, but it might be a general picture of some things
i keep remembering that i've been called an "open book" and i feel like i... don't want to always be that, it's just that i don't know how to close myself off without just totally ignoring everyone and going silent-- and im usually not willful enough to do that for my own sense of agency, so the best i can muster is usually just a whispered suggestion of a refusal at best before contradicting myself or trying obscure something and failing because i did not want to commit to it
a lot of this is just myself, i dont believe this should implicate you at all, i feel like you didnt even necessarily do anything but just ask questions and reach out-- or of course i could just be convincing myself of it, but who's to say? i don't really know what i think yet... i just hope that whatever happens will be something that nobody regrets