The first time they get set up, they feel empowered standing in large groups, confident that together they can please the one who was kind enough to get them on their feet yet fate is cruel and they discover the hands that raised them did it with the intent of watching them fall; and with a small push from a finger, they all fulfill what the human wanted. Rinse and Repeat.

I'm excited but scared of what the future holds for me. I'm supposed to be a senior next year, and pressure from my family has pretty much been set upon my shoulders. I've always been the honors student, the one who's gotten A's and B's. I used to be way more sociable, happy, and optimistic when I was younger; now it feels like any redeeming qualities I may have had about myself are just gone. I'm struggling with some classes (though I have gotten better this semester, I think), and my procrastination has only gotten worse. I've become more introverted, shy, and quiet around others unless we're very close friends, and my self-esteem and confidence has kind of hit rock bottom. My anxiety seems to get in the way when I try to make new friends; I'm afraid of initiating conversations, and I get so scared of disappointing them or not living up to their "expectations." Every time I've chatted in-game, I only speak to them for a day. After that, they're gone. If anything, I feel like it's my fault. I want to meet someone in which we can share a "mutual closeness" with, rather than being tossed aside and forgotten about. I've come across lots of people that I'd like to be friends with, but just don't have the courage to talk to. I want to be able to get my shit together and be able to become a better person. I want to be ready for what comes ahead in life, and to enjoy life for what it is while I still have time to do so.

I'm talking about both friendship and relationship

It's probably cus they don't see me face to face, but I personally think that's the beauty of it. Ya know? When the first thing you see is the most genuine side of someone, who they want to be. Cus that's what it is on the internet, people just be who they want to be. And you might say they can fake a personality, but I argue that's the same with in real life. And these kind of people break after a while. In fact, when you get face to face, there is more cover, more disguise, there is more fear to be someone that is good.

Sounds retarded, I know, but that's just my experience.

People tend to tell me stuff like "be careful who you meet on the internet, you never know who they are". But seriously though, it's the same with anyone you meet "in real life". Kinda like how nobody knew Ted Bundy was a killer. In that sense, it's even more dangerous irl, because on the internet, if trash goes wrong, you have some time to get away. And believe me, if they're a serial killer, they ain't gonna fly all the way to Jamaica just for that one kill.

And then they say there is the creepy guys who will stalk you, and threat you and start this madness love and end up coming to your house.
Seriously though, do you think everyone is that retarded? The chances of you getting hit by one of these guys is probably just about the same as getting stalked by some creep in real life. Again, the latter is the worse case. Cus even if they were, do you think they have the money for it????
It takes A LOT to go to your house!!

I mean after all, the internet was made to bring people together.

I just honestly don't see why "irl friends" are more trustworthy than "online friends"
It just pisses me off that no matter how hard I try, there is just that "internet" wall between me and my friends
Or maybe it's just my personality, Idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

For relationships though, there is the problem of timezones and not being able to get physical, which I guess is an essential part. But that's what makes it better when you DO get together right? Kinda like finally being able to eat that cookie after waiting for an hour, drooling. It just really depends on if you can get past that drooling time and not give up.

what the fuck the above two posts are literally the only two thoughts i have about life

all pressure is on me
at this rate, everything's gonna crumble

I feel as if I'm worthless and can't do anything. Anything I attempt I am trash at, or at least there is someone right next to me that can do it better. I find it satisfying when I solve a problem when I sit down and code, but get let down when I realize I don't know how to do shit on github (fork a project, help out with a program), and I don't even know how to build shit from its source code. I can play piano, but it's very basic, and I have trouble playing with both hands. I know the answer is "play more", but I've been playing since I was 11, almost seven years now, and it seems as if I haven't improved at all. I used to think I was good at math until this year's finals started popping up. I used to not need to study ever but now I'm checking out library books and studying my ass of for this. And I'm not even good anymore, my knowledge of high school math is limited when compared to other people's, especially on the internet. I remember desperately trying to follow with the probability debate in OT Bingo 2, and feeling lost and confused instead. My writing skills are not up to par with my peers, either. Whenever I try to write fiction I either get off topic or it ends up boring because the conflict is weak. My drawing is probably the aspect I am the worst at. I couldn't draw something good even if my life depended on it, and I feel really bad whenever I see people's masterpieces in the Art subforum.

My social skills are shit as well. I can't keep a conversation going at all, and I have no one to talk to during lunch. My greatest fear is probably dying alone, but I have given up on the possibility of avoiding that a long time ago.

I'm not even good at the things I enjoy. I can't get under 25k no matter how hard I try, and I always get 5th place or less whenever I play multiplayer. My skills are nonexistent and I know it.

I feel as if I can't do anything anymore.

ayy idk where to start this is going to be long..

I've read a few confessions above and although I might not feel the same way others do about their own situation (since everyone has different experiences), I felt that everyone goes through a similar pain. Again, like always, I'm listening to a pretty messy song right now so this post isn't going to be that contained. Prepare your dyslexia.

First thing on my mind. I've had this thought for about 5 years now. I've lived a dynamic life, and turns out I'm attending my seventh school and living in my fifth country over the duration of 12 years. Which means.... I haven't had enough time to socialize anywhere. Unable to make friends. At school I'm just a kind and smiley student who gets along with everyone, but outside of school I don't have anyone to talk to, nor I go out of my house often. I sometimes ignore my friends' chat because I feel like it's a waste of time. Lunch time is mostly by my own because again, I enjoy eating my lunch fast and chilling for the leftover minutes. Sometimes I'll visit my friends' lunchtable and enjoy - it's really fun talking to friends and eating lunch together - just to feel like I've wasted time and eating lunch by myself again the next day.

Me irl or on the internet is pretty happy mostly because I try not to think about anything. Sometimes I think I'm too lenient. People think I'm easy. I try to meet their expectations and tend to be easy with. There's a rude girl in the grade below and she insults me all day but I just get it over with a smile or laugh. Some probably think I'm dumb because I really don't try to do shit. I've had something similar to depression over the last two years, thinking about suicide at times (not nowadays because I stopped thinking about my life in general lmao) and I think it's slowly transitioning into lethargy. I don't remember doing a single productive thing in the past year or so. I've really thought about visiting a doctor and I probably should. The last months of lethargy, I should say, was pretty depressing if I think of it but at least I'm not stressed and I'm happy to not think about anything.

All friends my age (especially girls) talk about dramas, celebrities, but I'm really not interested in those stuff. I like games and anime, but not deep enough to be called a gamer or weeb, to be honest. I just tend to have a shallow and broad knowledge of various subjects. Boys at school who like games or anime really tend to boast their 'knowledge'. My friend talking about League and being salty about how autistic others are. He's in Bronze 5, watches weird videos of those "new meta" videos, calls random champions OP, gets rekt in ranked, talks to me about how broken the system is. -_-

The only thing I'm left with are studies, which don't really make a good conversation. It usually becomes a rant. I've given up on studies. Although I've seriously slacked off my studies, I'm still a little-above-average student, thanks to my Asian genes or whatever it is. (I swear people say "don't be racist" but there are differences between races. It's just that the differences between races shouldn't limit anyone's ability to do something.) I take the IB, and according to my course selection and subjects taken over the two years, am supposed to be good at Maths and Computer Sciences. I seriously lack those two subjects so much, at this point I'm afraid I won't be able to do well in uni either. I lack a lot of logical ability, and it only seems to worsen over the years. I've stopped reading books at some point because I couldn't understand them well enough anymore. I seriously fear dyslexia or ADHD but you know, it's not like I have severe symptoms and I'm probably exaggerating or making excuses for myself at this point. I think my lethargy is the main problem.

Hopefully uni will cure all these problems. I'm really looking forward to doing subjects I like, studying for a goal, and making friends with mutual interests. Hope my uni has some osu! players or other gamers. HMU if anyone's going to UBC, because that's the most likely uni I will attend.

I try to keep my personal life out of the internet, I really do. It's one of my principles of posting anywhere. I usually only do it when asked.
But if I don't vent now, I think I might explode irl. So please excuse my rant. I'm typing this all right now so please excuse me as well if you find any spelling or grammatical errors.

I just realized something that was hitting me in the face all my life. I realized something that has changed my outlook on life in many ways, something that will change the way I talk to people from now on, most likely. I realized that no one cares about my problems. I realized that me and my problems are insignificant and puny compared to everyone else's. I'm just a little whiny bitch that can't get anything done, that's not good at anything, that's too low-skilled to do anything right. I also found my fatal flaw, the fact that I'm selfish as fuck. If anyone reads this, I want you to Ctrl-F and see how many times I wrote the word "I" in any of my texts. It seems like everything's all about me, and now I've realized that it's not.

I realized this during the course of talking with other people in the discord. I've noticed that I want to be liked by everyone, and as a result end up annoying everyone instead. Pushing my stupid fucking sushi meme and correcting people whenever they make a mistake, bullying abraker and the rest of the staff to do something, and trying to get the attention of everyone else but not getting it kinda wore down on me, I guess. I feel really bad for commiting all these sins against the community of off-topic and I sincerely apologize to anyone I might have hurt.
I guess I finally snapped during today's discussion in #misc. I was trying to find my way into the current discussion to give my opinion, but I couldn't really find a place. And the comments I did put in I ended up deleting because no one cared about them. I've done this is in many conversations all throughout the creation of the discord, but it just clicked to me today that no one gives a shit about me.

I've always known that I was a bit selfish, and that I only really thought about myself, but I didn't know it was this bad. After taking the step back today,
I realized how little anyone cares for me, and how much of a whiny bitch I am to others. Everyone's probably really tired of my boring useless life and insignificant problems. So I won't post them anymore. I was actually planning to rant today about my feelings on a certain situation going on, but I'm not going to anymore because nobody cares. After this rant, I will no longer use "I" as much as I currently do. I will do an analysis on every single fucking word I say to see whether or not it will be of importance to the people around me, and the community as a whole. You'll hopefully see the number of "I"'s decrease.
And I'll try to be a better person from now on.

tl;dr: use Ctrl+f and see how many "I"'s you find. I will try to reduce that from now on.

I hate compliments. Well its not that I hate them per se, but I don't like getting them.
When people say that I did well or 'it was fantastic/good/great/amazing' or what have you that its out of pity. I don't think that I can write well, draw well, play the piano, or anything that I do well at all.
I tend to think that anything and everything that I do and can do isn't enough. It started off as just to please my parents but now I'm just not satisfied with myself. At all. My social skills are bad to the point where I can't even preform a damn piano piece in front of 20 people(sorry thats a vent cause of today), my art is one of the most sorry and inconsistent things in the world yet its fun to do(I kinda hat myself for that), I freeze up whenever I'm asked a question or asked to do something infront of others, my grades right now are just the worst they've ever been(me going from straight As to Ds and Cs. That is not going well with my dad right now) and just overall.
I want to change things about myself until I'm satisfied but I know that I can't because when I change I'll just find more things to hate. Heck this turned into a paragraph of self loathing. Whatever.
I'm sorry for wasting your time but still thank you for reading this.

note: this is gonna get p heated/personal

You like rants?

All you did was lie directly to my face at every chance you got, and manipulate my emotions. You didn't give a fuck about how I felt at any point, did you? You only "cared" when it was convenient for you.

You apologised? How convenient that that only happened when others had told you that what you had said was out of line! You knew what you were doing, that it was wrong. Don't play dumb with me.

You can't get serious because that's not what you come online for? Do you really think I come online to get manipulated by you on a daily basis? I was dumb not to see it from the start, but you're even dumber to think I'd just stay.

How funny it was that you were willing to drop me instantly when I said I couldn't trust you completely. That's not because your friendships are built on trust, it's because you wouldn't be able to play with me if I didn't believe you.

After all, what kind of friend says they'd defend you no matter what, then tells you to shut up and block you... that doesn't sound very friendly to me, I'm not sure what your friendships are exactly? Oh wait, it's the same for everyone. You lure them into a false sense of friendship. None of your "friends" know who you are really, do you refuse to tell them the truth because you don't want them to leave you? Fucking childish.
Wasn't it you who used to be a bully when you were younger? I see nothing has changed then.

I should have listened to those around me, but at least I'm coming to my senses now.

--

You wanted me to block you? To leave you be? To shut up?

Isn't this what you wanted me to do?

Actually get the hell out of my life, I never want to see you again.

Kay, firstly I'm not gonna be a total emo about shit cause I don't care. Mostly due to my mentality of knowing that whenever I'm in deep shit or whenever it's not going great in life - I'll always know that there's someone who is in deeper shit, someone who is struggling even more. Now, I'd say the biggest problem with me is that I goof around too much. Rarely will you find me serious. Even during "real-talks" I tend to find a way to season it with some humor. Honestly, without a doubt, this might actually be my biggest flaw. It's probably one of the biggest reasons why I never had a serious relationship with anyone. Or to be more precise, have only 1 in my 21 years of life. Probably why I never had a REAL friend in my life. Like, anyone who doesn't know me that well would think that I'm a pretty solid person with a normal friend group and a healthy social life. But the truth is far from that. I'm hanging out with people who I know will ditch and eventually forget about me, and it wouldn't be the first time. But I don't mind, cause imo, I see myself filling the "clown" role in a group pretty well. This also transitioned to interwebs. I've been a part of many communities and I've never find anyone who gave 2 fucks about me. I've been fully active on osu for nearly a year now and I only befriended about 5 people and 4 of them don't even play this game anymore. Honestly, I have no passion and no particular interests. It's mostly general knowledge about various things. I'd force myself towards something (ex. cars and shit) just to make myself less boring around a certain group of people.

I would just like to meet a person who watches anime and either have a nice watching session or just have small talk about it. But as a closet fan, it's highly unlikely, especially with how this medium is frowned upon in my place. But I don't let anything get to me. Only thing that did, is when i had to pull out of from studying journalism due to personal issues. I was motivated and willing, but it just wasn't meant to be. But even still, I managed to find a nice stable job, it's not the best but i'm getting some solid cash so it's all good. But I guess that would be it. That's me. That one guy you either find fun and awesome or you just hate me and/or find me obnoxious.

ok so i thought i was capable of making friends.
i had good friends, although i wasn't that close to them (as in i never went to their parties); but i always had people to sit next to / wanting to sit next to me.
we had fun in class..etc. but coming to uni i found out that i actually avoid relationships.
the dorm is such a great place where i can stop caring about myself and others, a place i can have for myself

today i was with a great group of friends and there's this girl who's really energetic and bright, (not to mention tall and pretty) she literally shines
it's really fun hanging out with her because i know i wont get judged at all, and she likes going places with people so we went to the museum today, for example.

and seeing the three boys trying to win her off, (the girl has no clue lol) was so bad. i had to come back. it's not that the group's bad; the boys literally stick to her like she's their momma. it's like they're seduced, it was creeping me out so i parted from them. i dont know. do i want friends? im totally fine being alone, but i'd also like friends who share the same interest as i do. i guess i'll meet those people once clubs start and stuff, so im not that worried. but im worried about getting judged, having no friends and having no contact when needing help or something. i.. i want to play osu and be happy D:

i think i judge people too hard. i dont judge on the internet and people who i've met irl who i've known on the internet, as i've mentioned on my ama i think. but when it comes to people i met irl i start judging (by myself) so i assume others do that as well, since im doing it in the first place. hence the distance, hence the reason i dont get to make friends.

This is extremely personal, but this is an online forum that is not tied to me so I think I can say this. I've been here for almost a year now and I have gained trust in many people here.

When I transfered to my current high school at the start of the eleventh grade, I had a brand-new start, a fresh slate. I committed myself to making as many friends as possible in two years, the last two years of high school. Maybe I would get a close friend or two out of it. I was so excited that I was going to get a second chance at social life. I didn't have a good history of socializing with people up to then. I've never had a friend before. People say, "well you must've had at least one friend." No, I've never had a single friend up to that point. Always sitting by myself at lunch, hating group assignments, and never getting invited to any birthday parties; nothing hurts more as a kid than watching almost everyone in the fucking class get a birthday invitation, everyone minus you. That shit wears down on you when you experience it for ten years of school, wears down on you hard. So, naturally, I was excited to get a second chance at making friends in my new school. But the reality of the situation set in two months after I transfered: nothing is ever going to change because I will eternally be lacking in social skills. I can't talk to people; I can't fucking talk to anyone. I can't talk to strangers, I freeze up and don't know what to say apart from the usual fillers ("oh yeah", "that's cool", "nice"); that is, of course, if I even get the courage to walk up to them and say something. I have trouble telling people "excuse me", for fuck's sake, much less ask them for a piece of information, and talking to people casually? Fucking forget about it. Talking is a vital key in making friends: after all, you can't be friends with a mute dumbass like me. When people take pity on my depressing existence and come up and talk to me instead of me to them, I freeze up as well. Whenever they want to know a piece of information, I give it to them, but can't add anything else onto it to spark a conversation. And when someone desperate enough to keep something going I tense up and fuck up everything I say. I probably say the wrong things to them, too, because anyone I have the honor of talking to never fucking speaks to me again. I am now in the 12th grade, my last year in the school system, and I have still not acquired someone I can call a friend. Do you know how much it hurts knowing that you failed, that you you fucked up your second chance at making friends? That you are mentally unable to have relationships with others? That you will stay like this for the rest of your life, and will never change? Lunchtime hurts because instead of eating lunch and socializing, I have no one to each lunch or socialize with, so I go up to a teacher's classroom and eat lunch there, in silence, by myself. It hurts whenever we have to do any work in groups, especially when we are given the "privilege" of choosing our own groups. Every day is miserable knowing that I will never be successful in life.

It's so fucking sad how I cannot perform a basic function of human society. Many people say humans are social animals; because I am unable to socialize, does that make me not human?

I plan to go to college next year, and again I will have another chance to make friends, but I've already given up any and all hope of this dream, seeing how well it worked out a year ago. I have already given up my fantasy of having a few close friends by my side having fun and sharing stories together. This is my dream, but I know it's impossible to achieve. I know of someone who is a year older than me and is in college now and has already achieved a group of friends that I've daydreamed about so many times, and she did it in under two weeks of arriving. I know there a bit of drama going on in the group, but in all honesty I would be willing to endure that one hundred times if it meant having any friends at all. How can socializing come to people so naturally? Am I not a person? That is probably the case.

At any rate, I hope that I can regain the hope I lost (lol) for the future, and I hope I can somehow achieve this dream of mine I've had for so long.

lol it's kinda depressing reading johnny's post because i was going to write exactly how non-social i was.
(hi johnny *wave*)

so ok i got a group of friends. i was happy since they were all cool i guess and non-problematic and social, whatever, so at least i got some people to hang out with during my free time and stuff. but i realized, over a month, that im not the social type. i like people. i like talking to them, i like laughing and being interested in random topics, i like entertaining them, just chatting. everyone is cool around me too so during those moments i dont have to be a jerk who has a complex over every single fucking thing and overreacts with every action someone takes. (for example i was internally depressed for a few days because my friend didnt reply back to a question i asked, jesus fucking christ)

i like hanging out with friends, yeah, but all my friends do are read stories to each other, watch drama, read poems, sing. these are not my things, and if i do hang out with them while they do these kinds of things i feel like it's a massive waste of time. and i realized it is. it jsut makes me tired and i barely study two hours a day because of these fucking "social" activities. i hate them with a passion. yes i might be privileged, but this is not how i work. i need friends that can hang out within an hour, such as, hit me up with one or two rounds of games, and go back to study mode instantly after that. which, according to my experience, the science students are better at doing that.

in my group, when i try to leave(because they're doing a useless time-waster), someone always goes "buuuut kaiiiiii...pwease study with us" (yes she actually FUCKING says that word by fucking word, not to mention she squeezes her cheeks together and does not. persuade. me . at fucking all. this is the main source of my fucking depression. ) and i know if i leave then they'll talk about it later on and how im a massive jerk. so i usually stay. and it's a fucking waste of time, and i get pissed. i want to hang out with the science kids i met two weeks ago. they seem to be having a much more productive and fun life than whatever shit im in right now. im sorry johnny, really, im having the fun of my life lecturewise and attending a few club activities and stuff, but my friend and social life isnt the best, at least for me. im trying to distance myself out of it, even.
it's just not for me. that's what i realized.

i sometimes want to tell them how retarded they are, how they're never going to graduate because hell someone doesnt even know how to do 1+1 and never fucking studies, always reads fanfics and cries all night because who knows what depression they have, one of them is just eternally afraid of not having friends and calls at least one person to walk with him because he fucking can't stand being alone. it's just these little things that tick me off and gets me astonished at how immature and fragile these fucking "adults" are and that's why im trying to become more independent and live like the fucking individual i am.

and heck, i can't stand being in a room with just one other person because i run out of things to say. i'd rather play games with another friend, not have a fucking "girlie chat" about crushes celeb and eternal depression i'd rather kill myself.

Following recent events, it's time for another one of these.
And given my current nature, it'll be slightly heated.

So, a number of people have tried to offer me "help", despite me repeatedly saying that I don't want it. Well, yeah, I don't. Because 9 times out of 10,
you have no fucking idea what you're dealing with (point proven in these recent cases), and any attempt you try to make will genuinely just result in making things worse, as you have no understanding of the situation. You know, sometimes saying less is more. Perhaps if you'd ask me about certain things first we wouldn't have this issue? As it currently is, there is a lot you say and do that you don't realise is incredibly hurtful.

Yeah, I have depression. Yeah, I can't control what I'm saying sometimes.
Yeah, I'll regret what I say later on. However, it's fucking low to try and use that against me to guilt-trip me when I simply cannot fucking control it at times, just so you can beat me down even further than I already am.

You can say you're here for me as much as you want, but are you really?

It really doesn't look or feel like it.

it's annoying when everyone is supporting you, there are just so many great people, but i just can't live up to it.
so many people have told me good things and told me i can do it, but honestly im feeling a level of depression i've never felt before.
im usually pretty optimistic about things like these but it feels like there's no way out. logically there should be, but it seems so impossible.
i used to suck at focusing, yes, but this time round it's not even sucking at it, it's just not being able to focus at all.
there's only two weeks left of this shit and im disappointed in myself with the fact that i cant hold my shit together even when it's only two weeks and there's a bunch of people out there that are believing in me. i just have to hold it together for two more weeks and then seek whatever help i need, yet it seems so far and im scared of risking my grades because of my mood. it's just a shitfest, and i dont know where to go. well i do know where to go, but it seems kinda late at this point when the finals are literally in my face..

I don't really know what to think of myself anymore.

I just look in the mirror and I cant think of anything postive about myself.
Im always tired and just upset and everything sucks.
I don't even have a reason to feel this way.

Heck, I spend most of my time outside of school alone in my room.
Playing games and watching anime.
Sometimes sleeping all evening or staying up until 1 AM.

Haha... what a mess.

Sometimes I just feel so lonely. I have so much on my mind, so much that I'm struggling with internally, but I don't want to vent or share it with people.

I'm scared that I'll just be that guy that everyone feels pity for, but they don't actually care. I'm scared that people will think I'm just doing this all for attention. I'm scared that people won't be able to handle my struggles or they won't want to deal with it, and they'll end up leaving me. I'm scared that I'll be a burden to everyone. I'm scared that once I share my thoughts with people, their perception of me will change, ultimately leading to them acting differently with me.

I just don't know what to do, I need someone in real life to be there for me, but I'm too scared. This is all coming from experience from what happened all throughout 2018. I've already had so many personal relationships ruined due to this.

Hell, I don't even want to post this here right now, but I know that I need to vent somehow.