...not sure what to confess, really. My depression? I'm way too open about it that it might seem fake. My apathy? Possibly.
I'll go with apathy.
I usually come off as many different things, and I tend to dramatically change how I act dependent on who I'm around, both IRL and online. I never feel like I'm myself, but I never exactly though of it as me putting on tons of other masks. Rather, I think whatever that "me" was and still is, is just a shell. An empty, achromatic void.
I express emotion when I don't feel it. When I think I'm feeling something, I cant seem to express it.
Due to my environment, (white drywall everywhere, very little sunlight, sleeping on the couch, not much food), I grew tired. I felt like everything became repetitive. And it was. Everything was so tiring to experience. Even being around trusted friends seemed to tire me out. Meanwhile, my old charter school destroyed my morale and will to be productive. I "became tired of trying" to do anything, so I did nothing. My grades finally dropped, the tension was finally gone.
But something still lingered there. A faint, empty sense of guilt was present, a reminder that I'd wind up a disappointment. I accepted that possibility, that outcome, and continued. Over time, I'd realize that most of what I had been feeling during that time was just... emptiness. I couldn't care about anything, I didn't react to anything, I rarely felt anything, and I just didn't do anything. I was a lazy sack of trash, on the couch. Just... laying there, thinking.
I had also noticed some unusual characteristics. I was more patient and accepting, but it was because I was so passive about everything. I would just let things happen, thinking that it was futile, it was going to happen anyways.
Everyday, I would return home, tired. Rarely anything interesting happened, despite my home/family situation. Everything I had would have been exhausted, I'd spent the small capacity of energy I had just to live, to deal with life. So I grew tired of living, as well. I developed a mindset that would constantly remind me that I might as well not even try, all the times that I did changed nothing. "You havent tried enough times", "You havent tried hard enough yet". As encouraging as the intent was behind those words, it was only more depressing. The thought that you dont even know when you've given it your all, where you dont know up to what extent, how far do you have to go?
Strangely enough, I kinda dismissed suicide. If I remember correctly, I thought of it as "A pointless death to a pointless life, the world remains mostly unchanged". If I expected to do anything good for anyone, killing myself wouldnt do shit. I knew it'd probably destroy the ones who actually do care, and I couldve even passed that off as "pointless", but I didnt. I accepted those feelings as "true" feelings. A desire for me to stay alive.
Well, during that process, I never cared much. It was less dramatic than most dismissed suicide attempts go as far as I know. It was more of "eh, everything's pointless. I'd like to, but im too tired".
It made me think of what role apathy played in my life. Was it a curse, or something to help me develop as a person?
I decided it was the latter. So I used my depression and apathy to get through life, using what would my obstacles, to actually get me through to the goal. Not really getting over them, just using them.
So yeah. That's how I'm still alive, I guess. I'm just tired of living, and that's about it. I'm fine with that. I dont need an optimistic motive to keep me going. A depressing one works just fine. It drains me until I have nothing left, and yet I still somehow endured.
Welp. it's 4:21 AM, so I'll end this here. I've got school in a few hours so i should probably sleep.