6:44 pm
i keep remembering, i keep fearing
almost everyone seems scary for one reason or another, either for things i believe ive learned about them or for the things i dont yet understand about them
...memories of them from years ago...
people who befriend me only to find out they want to fly me over somewhere or solicit me or something, people who i felt i had to defend and work for because i was sympathetic to them, people in my life that i cant trust to be safe for my vulnerabilities, people who would be gross to me, im tired, people are tiring
why is so hard to trust people and not be paranoid or neurotic near them...? and the people that sometimes seem safe are often people i cant rlly connect with, or are people i fear are exhausted with me or annoyed by me or confused by me. its probably my own shortcomings, fearing im not responsible enough to handle being near anyone... already i fear ive taken enough of people's time and energy, and i dont want to be near people that exploit me either
if i cant trust myself to be "normal" or safe or healthy with people, and if i cant trust people to be safe healthy connections for me, then... would i "deserve" any connection at all? the more i wonder about it, the more i feel compelled to believe i shouldnt want friendship
i dont want to want anything...
i would like to be wrong about people, but
im not exactly a wonderful person either...
neglectful, lazy, obstinate, insecure, neurotic, cowardly, irresponsible, incompetent, indecisive, vain, deluded, and generally oblivious to the world around me
i cant imagine how i realistically would be able to expect to grow to be any better right now, and...
im too fatigued to willingly change anything
