04:35PM

Oh no, not mango again...

17:44 Upset and regretful. Of, just everything!
20:23 I'm feeling pretty relaxed and joyful.
What is this? A complete contradiction of the above statement? Yes, yes it is.

4:44 p.m.

city lights are pretty

6:59 am

About to take finals test. I hate my life.

7:09 p.m.

PLS FUCK OFF DOGS

Journal wrote:

7:09 p.m.

PLS FUCK OFF DOGS

n o

8:22PM

god i wanna play football or something

18:52 Now I have school again, I finally have a life!
Somewhat

1258 PM. It has taken over 20 minutes for my work computer to boot up. Fuck.

Edit: I read hitchhikers guide to the galaxy when I was younger and liked it a lot, but not nearly as much as I do rereading it now. Douglas Adam's is amazing.

11:06PM

*Weather Forecast tells "16°C/29°C"*

Kae used two "Blazing!" Cards, holy ****...

6:46PM

IRIS’ HAXORUS HAS A FUCKING FOCUS SASH THATS A LEGIT RUN KILLER SJSJSJSJSJSJ

8:02 PM.

Anatomy practice time. I only have 12 days left of my allotted 4 weeks of anatomy drawing. Less than 2 weeks, I'm over halfway done. Progress has definitely been made, too, so I'm all looking forward to when I'll be finished.

7:10
Must get ready for school soon (I mostly did earlier, but I'm waking until 7:30 for the rest, when my siblings wake up). I'm begging myself to believe that everything's going to be okay. Somehow my 2 hour exam in the morning isn't the cause of this massive heap of anxiety, but it sure doesn't help. I hope everything's alright, I hope. Great way to start the morning, being all worried and upset like this. Why can't I just stop guessing what will happen? Why can't I just accept whatever happens?

Carmlillball wrote:

7:10
Must get ready for school soon (I mostly did earlier, but I'm waking until 7:30 for the rest, when my siblings wake up). I'm begging myself to believe that everything's going to be okay. Somehow my 2 hour exam in the morning isn't the cause of this massive heap of anxiety, but it sure doesn't help. I hope everything's alright, I hope. Great way to start the morning, being all worried and upset like this. Why can't I just stop guessing what will happen? Why can't I just accept whatever happens?

GHFFF I hope it turned out okay, anxiety is the fucking worst

It's 8:25PM andddddd I'm thinking about work, I suppose. Hope it turns out to be an alright day.

Puzzle wrote:

Carmlillball wrote:

7:10
Must get ready for school soon (I mostly did earlier, but I'm waking until 7:30 for the rest, when my siblings wake up). I'm begging myself to believe that everything's going to be okay. Somehow my 2 hour exam in the morning isn't the cause of this massive heap of anxiety, but it sure doesn't help. I hope everything's alright, I hope. Great way to start the morning, being all worried and upset like this. Why can't I just stop guessing what will happen? Why can't I just accept whatever happens?

GHFFF I hope it turned out okay, anxiety is the fucking worst

It's 8:25PM andddddd I'm thinking about work, I suppose. Hope it turns out to be an alright day.

15:31
Hiya!
Thanks a ton! It really does mean a lot for you to care!
I hope your day's also going well!

Sadly, this anxiety's more long term than just today. It's more worrying about the future. Friend found out something about me, they were concerned, and yesterday promised that they'll talk to someone of higher authority in this group thing we're both in, and I don't know what the Hell is going on. I know this person has quite a close tie with the school and I worry about the special needs staff of the school knowing about this, and possibly having a meeting with my mum, and making my mum anxious about this thing. I've always tried to semi cover it up for her and don't want my cover absolutely destroyed. The matter isn't big of a deal for me. I think that everyone else is way too concerned. I'm personally really concerned about everyone blowing it out of proportion. Every day, I panic, today is the day I'm going to be questioned. Today is the day this person who's been told everything will want to meet up with me to discuss it. And it hurts when the concerns I've sent this friend weren't getting answered at the time. I've only just came back from school, so I haven't checked email yet to see if she's answered my emails, but I very much think that today will come to the same disappointment. The confusion hurts. And I don't feel like going through that stuff again right now, so I'm not checking for the time being. Either if I go on there my questions will be answered and I'll be more relaxed, or I'm going to be disappointed and end up horribly anxious and upset. I think I'm coming to terms now with just how bad my anxiety really is. Opens up a new load of self-loathe. My bravery has been all I've ever liked about myself, because I love taking challenges and facing my fears. This 'bravery', it's completely fake, faked for myself. I should not be this emotional, I hate how emotional I am. Good times are amazing and build me up, making me feel like a queen. Bad times completely screw me over. There's no middle, and that's tiring.

My head is truly messed today. Might just need to get off the internet for now.

That sounds even worse than what I thought. Sheesh. It sounds like you're in a rough spot.

I dont know how much random internet advice can really help, but the way I defeat (or at least fight) my anxiety is by putting things in perspective.

Things happen. Time passes. At the end of a year, will I care about what's happening to make me anxious? How about 5 years? 10? The answer is generally no. And how much of my life do I have left to live? Quite a lot more than just a year, or 5, or 10. So I just tryo to focus on the things that will help me long term. Maybe what I'm anxious about is something that will help me in the long run. I stop caring about it so much then. The important thing is moving forward and working through the things that are hard so I can have a better future.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is often the things that make you anxious aren't things that matter in the long run. And if they are, the most you can do about it is try to work on whatever it is. In the end, I find worrying almost never benefits me except if I take it and turn it into motivation. So the situation sounds scary, but I hope you can use it to your advantage. Anxiety really does suck, though; I hope it passes soon.

12:25PM

my altaria killed the haxorus bc it tried to dual chop it and missed

run saved

Puzzle wrote:

That sounds even worse than what I thought. Sheesh. It sounds like you're in a rough spot.

I dont know how much random internet advice can really help, but the way I defeat (or at least fight) my anxiety is by putting things in perspective.

Things happen. Time passes. At the end of a year, will I care about what's happening to make me anxious? How about 5 years? 10? The answer is generally no. And how much of my life do I have left to live? Quite a lot more than just a year, or 5, or 10. So I just tryo to focus on the things that will help me long term. Maybe what I'm anxious about is something that will help me in the long run. I stop caring about it so much then. The important thing is moving forward and working through the things that are hard so I can have a better future.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is often the things that make you anxious aren't things that matter in the long run. And if they are, the most you can do about it is try to work on whatever it is. In the end, I find worrying almost never benefits me except if I take it and turn it into motivation. So the situation sounds scary, but I hope you can use it to your advantage. Anxiety really does suck, though; I hope it passes soon.

Hello!

I really thank you for the advice! Very encouraging! I'll try to think more like this!


18:26 Finally had the courage to open emails. And yes, it crashed to the ground. I ended up just sending a email, apologising for bothering her. I've tried to talk, but clearly she didn't want this. I'm not checking anymore, I'm really not. I'm done with that bullshit, getting my hopes high for them to fall. Shame. Shame on me. I hate making others upset, and I feel I've done just that.

08:01PM

Journal wrote:

I’m assuming we’re talking about the major tennis tournament, [...].

Yes, this, sorry for the lack of accuracy.

It's 8:30 PM and I've finally drawn my first semi-decent anatomy sketch. The proportions are alright, the figure looks realistic enough and decently accurate. The only issue with it is the pose is really un-lifelike, which I hear is a very common issue when people first get into anatomy; and I didn't have a reference to draw the hands from, so they look like shit.

Learned a lot from the sketch though. I think my big takeaways are how to better structure the hips, a little bit about how the knees protrude, how I should be actively thinking about how joints are altered by perspective, and that I should start practicing drawing hands from memory. My hands are pretty good if I've got a reference picture but without one I seem to struggle a little.

Anyway, I'm really happy and pretty proud of myself. This actually looks passable instead of the mangled pieces of garbage with god-awful proportions and body structure I've been producing for the entirety of the last 2 weeks. Progress.

7:31 Got fully ready for school early. I'm not sure when the silence will end. I'll probably check after school. Geography exam, and I feel alright about that. My head is a little more clear now. Yesterday I honestly thought my worrying would turn me crazy. It kinda did. But at least that's all slowly packing it's bags.

7:49 Part of me wants to check emails now and possibly have my worries sorted, part of me wants to not check at all.

11:33pm

Only 5 more hours til my shift is over. Fuck graveyard shifts.

4:13 AM

Tryna look into 3D stuff in Unity. I'm planning on doing one of these new short 3D courses that they've provided on their official site just to understand some basics, since I've only ever worked with 2D stuff. Then maybe after that I could do a game jam using Unity 3D so that the experience can help me learn and improve at it.

Westonini wrote:

4:13 AM

Tryna look into 3D stuff in Unity. I'm planning on doing one of these new short 3D courses that they've provided on their official site just to understand some basics, since I've only ever worked with 2D stuff. Then maybe after that I could do a game jam using Unity 3D so that the experience can help me learn and improve at it.

that'd be pretty damn cool. would love to see what you make.

4:19 AM PST.

I shall never sleep.

I've woken up recently in the middle of the night, and decided that considering the amount of time that passed, I'd be best off just taking a shit anyways. I did all that, and now I'm here, struggling to come up with music stuff, because for whatever reason, I'm absolute shit at properly doing what I envisioned.

it's frustrating.

but at least the buildup is out of the way now.

fucking hell, i've got school in a few hours, too.

15:58 Geography exam was easy, apart from the damn map stuff. But that wasn't a huge deal of marks. The last paper went amazing, so I think I'd definitely get a good mark as a whole. I have no idea what's going to be on the last paper, except maybe questions about some trips the geography classes went on. I didn't go to a trip due to stomach issues so damn I'm going to revise that certain trip a lot.

Ate lunch today. I don't really like when I'm made to eat lunch, but my mum insists.

Maths exam tomorrow, I've been studying that quite a lot yesterday, and I'll continue to today. Thank goodness that exam wasn't yesterday or the day before. I've had an English exam yesterday, and I did absolutely terribly on it, because my mind was in a really bad place. At least, with English, I think I've done very good at the other exams, and will do amazing at the non-fiction, so I'm not really concerned with that one exam. Maths I'll need to be more careful for. On the last mocks, I've barely got a 4. I'm terrified. But I also did a lot of revision since then. I know a lot more now.

I'll check emails after the main studying is finished with. Soo.. Probably not today. Dammit, me doing studying is causing me to procrastinate! Who knew that was possible!

16:34 Screw it, I shouldn't be getting surprised if there's no reply. And, if there is one, I'll be way more energetic and positive. I need that for hours of studying.

OH LORD THERE'S LOTS I'M CRYING
I'm sorry, it's just, a huge relief. She's amazing with explaining stuff to me and I really need her positivity. Really fights my negativity.

I kEeP eDiTiNg ThIs, UnSuRe WhAt To ShArE

Ahh. I can see why that'd be a cause for drama. Well I dont wanna add more to it so I'll just say try to stay healthy.

Its 10:23 AM and I'm thinking about what kind of car to get. I dont really know, to be honest. Urgh.

11:37AM

i want to give wooloo a fuckin g hug

hypercyte wrote:

Y'all too good for me and my trackpad : (

Meah wrote:

Aww..

1155am

5:55pm

Currently contemplating on the decisions made in the past hour


I have an exam tomorrow.

3:41 AM

Thanks to rank decay I might actually beat this other trackball osu player in rank soon. Its never really been a goal of mine but I guess it'll bring some satisfaction? Although I don't actually play too often so it may still take a while.

I'm comin for ya booty Trackball dude so ya better buckle that ass up boi

4:07 AM PST.

time to head to bed.

made some progress.

Achromalia wrote:

4:07 AM PST.

time to head to bed.

made some progress.

That's good news. I'll be checking out your post on the disc server when I get a chance.

Its 8:43 AM. I'm thinking about next Saturday after this one. That will be the last anatomy sketch I bang out for my month of anatomy and I can finally go back to actually enjoying drawing. I think I'll improve a lot. Not sure what I want to make at that point though.

Also I'm hungry and have a nice lunch for work but cant eat it now.

2147 ginger tea

18:24 School went well. I think I've done really well in the maths exam!

Had lunch today.. I think that the school WAS told about my 'lack' of eating (I honestly don't think I'm eating that little, but what do I know, everyone else irl is concerned), after all, so the TAs are really putting their foot down on lunches. I must have lunch. I can't eat much of it though, and it's just making my poor appetite for dinner worse. I think it's making me eat less, even if it's more meals. At least I've managed to eat SOME dinner today.

I don't know how, or why, my eating habits have changed so much. Used to eat all the time.

Been quite successful, socially. Been chatting a bit. I'm definitely more calm now!

Been studying Biology, and I'll continue to do so.

08:13PM

Now that I think about it, I'm already making a mistake typing the quotation marks first and then inserting the text afterwards, am I not...

I just watched a bunch of grandmas twerk
1229pm
Think I just swallowed my wax 908 pm

Journal wrote:

I just watched a bunch of grandmas twerk
1229pm
Think I just swallowed my wax 908 pm

Uhhhhh

Hey are you okay

It's 9:24 PM and I'm really upset with myself. Anatomy practice went absolutely god awful today. I'm not even sure if I learned anything from it.

11:25 p.m
If I don't take a shower and go to sleep right now, I won't be able to get up in the morning and i'll end up late again

2:03 AM

This Asset Forge software is pretty useful for making some simple models for 3D projects. Its got Simplistic UI and is super easy to understand and get right into. It's nice for quickly whipping up some simple-looking models, especially if you've got little to no experience with modeling like me. It's fun to mess around with it as well to see what I can do with it.

I feel like I'm talking about this as if this were an advertisement. Next I'd say something like-

ENTER CODE "WESTONINI" AT CHECKOUT FOR 25% OFF YOUR PURCHASE OF ASSET FORGE!!!

Tad

Listen to me Tad

We have to make the featherless penguin goddess decide to become trans

9:09

05:41PM

Damn it.

05:43PM

What the...
9 songs ( . .)