synthwavesquid wrote:
>>
synthwavesquid wrote:
juneberry red bull is actually pretty good. it's like blue and berry but not blueberry
shit's like drinking a melted blue raspberry flavoured snowcone or like the syrup they use to flavour it. but the flavouring is significantly more blue
+ i love son
+ how curious, the description feels gently nostalgic somehow
synthwavesquid wrote:
Achromalia wrote:
mostly giving up on being anywhere or doing anythingbut habits will drag me where they will
im growing "colder/drier" in personality when i really really would rather not be like that
not that im necessarily fundamentally changing, im just not as able/willing/inclined to consistently be a "warm" person, or... something, im not sure i [mean what i think i mean], nor [think what i mean to think] or [what i suggest im thinking]. what i think i mean is that i expect id be wrong about a lot of things i say or describe about myself or my opinions/impressions
this is exhausting
easier not to do anything but hard to stop not-doing things about what im--
...i just needed thirty more seconds
whatever
it's fair though depending on your surroundings. trying to be warm sucks ass when it's meant for the "wrong" kinds of people
"wrong" as in like if having that attitude only serves to exhaust you not if someone "deserves" it
idk looking at your posts for the past while seems like a bunch of shit's been going on. maybe you're burned out or smthg
mm. ill-fitting and exhausting may be right, i dont think i would consciously believe its about people being "deserving/undeserving" and if i use criteria like that it may be more about fear/hesitation or personal cost, or i would avoid some if its about how [in]effectively i could "meet them where they are" in an interaction
in most cases its the conflict in perspective/personality that exhausts me, im bad at differences and try to assimilate myself sometimes unless its a mutually acknowledged thing. im very much influenced by externalities and absorb a surface-level imprint of what people seem to feel, and i often fear being entangled in it to the detriment of either party
or maybe im describing something different from what the original quote was about... i cant keep track of it when im vague and lost as i usually am
anyway
im normally very low-energy even if i type contrary to that-- still, some of those times would consist of me genuinely being in a spike of excitement. a lot of people-ing and perspective-ing and mediating will drain me unless it's a very very specific kind of person or topic of interest, and most places will be hard for me to want to be in. these recent events are very very people-oriented and suffocating, and my presence is inextricable from them and their contexts. i guess in hindsight that im not horrible at them, and the spongy mirror-y nature of certain things helps me be very sincerely sweet/warm (it is not something i fake, or at least i dont think im being fake) until it stops being immediately related
burnout is right, i would guess, but im a little too lazy to chase the extent of its truth
as a result im mostly in an inconsistent space of habit, coming and going, present and absent, mostly passive and distracted by wherever attention brings me rather than making anything happen on my own
like emptied order for emptying chaos maybe, or not
im not sure if i imbued this with some kind of pretense... im kind of tired of doubting myself but i also really do not like the thought that i may be lying or misrepresenting things when presumably my whole thing is sincerity/clarity/accuracy in some form
