things have been going surprisingly well recently. it’s been a while since i felt this good about myself and my future. hopefully everything continues down this path.
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That already looks amazing, I can't wait to see the final result!
Hey mate, I've been suffering with similar thoughts. Try talking to someone you trust about this, even if it's me. That being said, a therapist is preferred. Kooth is a good, free online service, though I'm not sure whether or not it's an international one.
Situations may seem endless and pointless to struggle through, but very few situations last a lifetime. Death is permanent. Please remember this. It's an escape from the bad, sure, but also the good, and the chance for good.
There are ways to turn negative thoughts into sonething useful. For example, I constantly think I'm worthless, so when I have the energy, I use this energy to improve myself in some way, even in a rather unnoticeable way. Due to this energy coming rarely, it's usually used to clean my room, but I don't really mind, as it's some relief.
Maybe I've misunderstood and am projecting my thoughts onto you a bit, and in sorry if so. I simply hate the idea of others having these horrible thoughts. They're very difficult to deal with.
Fight your enemies, not join them.
I've been thinking about the "permanence/ephemerality" aspect...
The loss will be permanent for sure...
Good things to come, huh...
<I was thinking about how do I write the reply, then I think I'll have to manage this in a way/an order, so here comes a box.>
A bad childhood aside.
There are chances for good I could think of, um...
Given how things are, I force myself into thinking that I have to leave Paris. It's a nice place, but it's not to be lived in for some people, or maybe several "categories" of people.
That train of thoughts stems from kind of an "inferiority complex" in more of a physiological way, which I grew an excessive awareness... Uh, let me try to rephrase that.
...
...
"Which made me grow that", alright, um...
I'm just too aware of how often I could get the common cold. I thought of the possible causes, taking into account a (kind of) regular "warning-style" commercial about how we're sticking huge amounts of germs on ourselves and how to limit their transmission...? "Propagation"?
Well there's this, and, seeing how my family (mostly my big bro') behaves with the belongings, I just had to fly straight to that conclusion. Like...
HOW CAN YOU JUST PUT ANYTHING, THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND ONCE, ON THE SOFA AND THE BED?!
(Chairs and stools aside, that's just out [I don't play baseball though].)
Then I've been thinking about solutions to limit, if not nullify, the presence of those naughty (micro-)pieces of sxit. Trying to avoid physical contact (from the front and with handbags) aside, I've got a capacity of 675mL of hydroal' solution in 5 separate recipients ("bottles"?) out of "sneaking into" relevant places (so I can get some for free), and an extra "spray-type" recipient that was already empty to start with.
Of course, that's stupidly extreme. Thinking of staying with that much until I manage to get out of Paris, there's nothing about learning how to take care of oneself, but that, as I mentioned, was because I gave up on life since approx' 10 years. So obviously at that time, I went full lazy, which was clearly wrong; I had to plan my own death. But of course, since it was even before I get my jobs and even before I was aware of the lifestyle of my family, I couldn't find a plan and was in the fear of the consequences.
For now I just hate skinship, gravity and uh... I forgot the 3rd thing I was thinking about. [EDIT] Could be "crowds" but I feel like it was something else.
(Also, what girl, woman or anyone would take on a hygienic maniac with that high level of a madness heh. Screw that relationship.)
Getting to one of the point ("Trying to reply to a paragraph"), the only "peace of mind" I have for the moment - physically - is a limited usage of "liquid" on a personal space and belongings (I wouldn't last long, if I started "taking care" of the whole appartment when there's the whole family, plus it's just plain stupid)...
The other good and chances of good being just me virtually relieving myself... New Vocaloid songs, new "books", ASMR, new illustrations on Pixiv, whatev'. But they couldn't erase the pain from living through a generation almost filled with the wrong children.
...
... *Sudden realization*
Huh... Financial matters...
I'm supposed to go to an appointment on Thursday with a bank counselor, maybe I could talk about my intention of getting out of Paris......
But then there's another thing that'll happen which intensified my intention of "running away" for freakin' good: meeting with my "boss"'s superior, as I fxxked up real hard because of those habits (strike one, losing in performance as an employee, strike two, getting too cocky with my hygienical habits, unexpected and unwanted strike three, someone "added oil on the fire". "Hai! Out!". He wasn't wrong in what he said about me, but wasn't entirely right).
A hope I could think of is that he'll be willing to listen to my version of the "facts", since there's a line between a "fact" and a "memory"...
I'm so negative, I can't bend my feelings to the point of thinking that it will happen. I can only feel like nothing good will happen, aside from the decision to shorten the duration of my contract and never "re-extend" it.
I'm fine with an end being put on my contract. I fxxked up. I just didn't see a third strike coming. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle the tense atmosphere once I enter his office.
But seriously though, what company would take someone like me if I ever talk frankly about such goals... Society in our days want people to be cooperative, not "too" self-centered...
Projecting your thoughts onto me is completely fine; I only wrote that message like a calling card against myself. It's all about how things are going to go in a "Persona 5" fashion, instead of walking away in silence. I felt like writing that because of the mysterious easing magic called "Internet", which happened after writing a '.txt' file supposed to be my "last words/testament/apologies" thing.
What I don't understand is the "enemy" thing...
Oh, joining the "dark thoughts" and let my end happen...
There's one thing that came back to my mind, a colleague told me how we're indeed all different, and pointing out that I'm being too different.
Well, that's on purpose, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone about my death wish. So I misunderstood as "joining the common sense and not fighting it".
I've been planning on that, it's just that it'll take many months and years to obtain my own place to live in. For good. No dying.
But then there's the "months and years" thing that will keep on disturbing me, along with my family's behavior, and the incoming scolding and consequences that will never leave my mind even after going through it...
...
...
Ugh.
...
...*Just me being a dork*
If my life does change in a positive way in the following months, then I will finish my audio montage...
Vocaloid songs aside, there also are some "books" I need to finish reading, it's been a long time without the motivation to read a single thing.
There's also that book on my desk... I never got to actually try to read it, but given how the title is a bit misleading to me...
And I just learned about that novel getting an adaptation that will be broadcast this year...
...
Ugh. Living is a weird pain.
Also, seems like I'm going to eat lunch alone at home...
*Hesitation intensifies*
Hi again! The kooth situation is unfortunate, but I'm sure there would be something similar for French folk? Like, an online therapy thing? Or even face-to-face, that's also good. Anything is better than hopelessness!
It's difficult for me to understand your situation, with my limited life experience (in a way, less than a 10 year old), and lack of being able to understand others as a whole. Saying this, I feel I'll mostly be rambling.
Leaving an area does seem difficult, but also a good thing if you're upset with where you live. That's something to look forward to. Even if it takes years, it'll happen eventually, and I figure you'd then be happy.
You seem to be quite scared of germs. Have you tried to share these concerns with your family (so they respect your boundaries a bit more) or with a psychologist (who could help with your underlying issues)? I'm not sure how often you get the common cold, but I only get it around twice a week (although a lot of anxiety-related stomachs issues).
I honestly don't know what else to say about this germ issue. I don't care at all about germs. I clean my room to organise stuff and clean myself to not be self conscious. That's about as far as I go. As of recently, I barely care about either of those things either. Being on the exact opposite side of the coin, I don't know how to help. All I can say is you probably have OCD and the best thing to do with that is to speak to someone trained to deal with that.
As someone with family who doesn't care about hygiene even enough to organise anything, I do agree that trying to clean an entire apartment, with family in there, is a bit ridiculous (although I've always lived in a 3-bedroom house). I used to try. I was just being taken advantage of. So I only tidy my side of my bedroom (I share with my sister) now.
When it comes to possible good, and bad, things, remember that life isn't completely predictable. If I were to tell 14 year old me that I would be socialising, she would laugh at me. Yet I'm doing so, albeit not great (but how good could I be with practically no experience until a few months ago?). This is a good thing, and in the past, I never would've guessed this ever happening to me. So, trying to guess what good could be squeezed into your life is basically useless. You can work towards things, but purely guessing can be restrictive.
Bad things also happen. Messing up at something is understandable. Here's something I can actually give a piece of professional advice on, from my counselor (was for me, but I figured it'll fit in your situation) - you're a human, not a robot. Robots are programmed to be perfect at what they do, and are expected to be perfect. However, nobody should expect a human to be perfect. People do expect others to do their best, but our best isn't perfection, and people are mostly understanding of this. Now back to my usual, non-professional thoughts. You messed up, and you can't change the past, but whatever you do now will guide your way. Will you take what you did and learn, therefore improving; or will you sulk and slam against a wall because you've given up? Well, why give up before you've begun to think about what happened and what you could learn from it?
It takes strength to grow and admit your problems. Hiding your problems from yourself and trying to lock them up to be forgotten is insincere and weak, and gets you nowhere. I'm not saying to constantly stress about stuff you've done years ago or anything, but for you to do something useful with your experience.
I understand being negative, and, to be honest, I'm usually the same way. However, that helps nobody. I've gotten advice from a counselor, which I figured would help you. You should write your negative thoughts then turn them into positive ones (or question the negative thoughts). This works great for me, personally. I find that it makes me much more critical of my ideas and how I feel.
For example, with a class which has a lot of people, I would instinctively think 'there's a lot of people who could make fun of me'. I would previously then give up and not do to the lesson. Do you see how unhelpful thoughts cause unhelpful behaviour? Now, on my first time of having this thought since starting this exercise, I would write this in a notebook. Then, I get to this as soon as possible. Starting to think of points against this thought during registration is very useful, but this isn't always possible. But anyways, I get to the point as soon as possible and argue against it. This is usually after college. I love finding as many perspectives as I could towards everything (including political arguments), so this is quite fun. I try to find reasons why what I've written is false (that 'big class = more people to make fun of me') , or sometimes, why it doesn't matter as much as I thought it does. Then, I learn the things I've written.
I feel that this exercise would be of use to you. Not sure whether you need the full exercise I've been given (doing this to my thoughts, feelings and actions), but your thoughts definitely need help.
It's pretty hard to adapt positive thinking skills, but far from impossible. What's going on is you (and I) are used to thinking negatively, so the neuron pathways associated with negative thinking have been used a lot. This usage means that they strengthen. Neurons which carry information on positive thinking get weaker, or perhaps barely exist at all. This makes them more difficult to access. However, with difficulty, you can flip this on it's head - start using positive thoughts so these neurons strengthen, and use negative thoughts less regularly so these neurons get weaker. This is very difficult, but it's not a great idea to give up before you've tried.
Imperfections exist, and as an emotional person, they take a huge toll on my emotional state. However, it really helps to focus on the good.
I don't know much about work at all, but I would guess that your boss would listen to your side of the story if you're calm about it and not acting in a threatening, not arrogant, way.
I barely know what I've been saying. I just get thoughts and instinctively share them. Doesn't help that my thoughts are unorganised. But I hope this is of some help.
20:54 Somehow feeling optimistic for college for the first time in weeks (or probably the first time in months), despite worrying about this stupid survey/questionnaire bs. I feel I should have enough social skills and confidence to explain that, as far I know, I wasn't supposed to edit the survey, I was supposed to answer it, so I don't know why I was given the link for editing it.
Also want to clean my room, but it's nearly 9 at night.
[Box, regarding the "conversation"]
- Taken into account.
- I never thought there were even other kinds of jar. The only one I know being the one for each time someone swears.
If anything, there are times when I just go back and look at the text messages/conversations on the phone I had with one of said friends.
Loads of "memeful" talk, with some traces of our former life at school, but the "memeful" talk wins because laughter is a good medecine.
- We both get it.
- I was more counting on hiding than lying, now that I think about the differences. Even though lying to hide something is more of a common thing, if we're talking steps/order.
- About that, it seems to be going good. I think I can live through the upcoming conversation, after having one with my boss about what happened at the doctor's. I got some words of advice from both of them. (Short version of the Status Update.)
2nd update (short version): I'm getting over it. Feeling so stupid for going too fast and straight to conclusions.
Listening to an Onsen (Internet station) radio show.
Things seem to be a lot different for you than last I was here, it's good to see
Status: I'm dropping in and lurking on threads just for funsies.
I get that.
Though I've only been on the forums for a year.
There are so many that came and went.
It's hard to not feel sad.
yeah, IKR?
You can't make it to a doctor?
Status: Weekend went by too fast. It's my birthday tomorrow at least
There's a name I haven't seen in a while. o:
Status: Can't look at this forum anymore without thinking about reopening a gfx thread for the millionth time in a row, apparently.
Hey
That sounds like a legitimate illness to me and kind of dangerous. Maybe Strep throat. Hope you've gone and seen a doctor by now or its passed; that sounds exceptionally unpleasant
Status:
I just wanna vent about art and learning to draw.
I'm kind of surprised at how much I'm learning each day with drawing and how much it always feels like it's such a small dent in the number of things I need to do.
To be fair; I think I could actually draw some really kick-ass high quality stuff if I was focused only on portrait style drawings. I've definitely developed a pretty definitive style and I know what I want out of portraits and how to get it; and I think I'm quite good at them. But my goal is to be able to draw epic style anime/manga type scenes EG Mafia Brigade of Knowledge Seekers except with my own sort of dark/gritty spin. But theres so much to learn there - anatomy is incredibly difficult from interesting perspectives, clothes are hard; being able to do those things from interesting and eye catching perspectives with pleasing compositions is even harder... I'm constantly pushing myself to learn a bit more fundamentally about how to draw and it's a struggle. Certain concepts translate through all practice but others are hard to get an innate sense for and pick up on; I think the biggest one for me moving forward is being able ton conceptualize and visualize objects as 3 dimensional things... I'm getting much better at constructing things and using basic shapes as reference points; but some things are bizarrely difficult without being able to "percieve" them in 3 dimensions from my head; even with solid construction methods. Mostly that's a problem when I'm trying to do interesting perspectives.
So yeah. I feel like I learn so much everyday but those improvements I make are so minor and I'm just struggling to keep my head afloat in an ocean of things that need to be learned.
Throat feeling better?
Status: I finished my first stator at work today. They're not hard at all; I thought they would be. I'm pretty happy with it anyway even if it wasnt a challenge. Works going well.
Hi again!
Had a test for my throat and should get results Monday or Tuesday. Probably just some viral thing, but better safe than sorry, especially with Corona and tonsillitis both being things.
My throat itself still isn't feeling much better. Still pretty much the same going on. It seems to be in much worse pain, but also flare up quite less frequently.
Thank you for asking.
Great that work's going well, and well done on your first stator!
According to what Google says about stators, I assume you work with making things? That's pretty cool.
Status: It's 1700 and I'm bloody knackered. :/
oof that sounds annoying
________________________________________________________________________
I have not gotten a single good sleep in the past few days due to my workload. Pulling an all-nighter again today to finish my 4000 words essay about the formation of an obscure town in California. I swear after finishing all the essays that I have to write, I'm going to be on a full not-giving-a-fuck mode and play tons of games that I want to play but don't have the opportunity to. This is the only motivation for me to finish this piece of shit of an essay.
This is like really cool. I have always wanted to do this tbh
------------------------
OT: I'm so worried about my college plan rn. Even though I have like quite a while to come up with a decision, I just can't help myself and think that I might choose the wrong one
I'm so conflicted as to whether I should validate this or not.
Also, it's the first thing, first try I'm playing after several days (maybe "weeks"?) and I...
FmL.
badum tiss
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I went to a computer lab to work on a few thing and found out the previous teacher forgot to turn of the impero extension which prevents us from using the internet during exam. Thankfully if you use firefox you can just disable the extension and use the internet as you wish, which is how I am typing this right now.
Status: I got 47.5 out of 104 on a test. That's the lowest score I've gotten I think ever, and at least in the last six years. I'm sad 
Status: Today's been a bloody mess, but at least I understand something new in maths.
status_15-12-19:
got a cold, which means i have a sick voice as well... i like my sick voice than my normal voice, mostly because to me it doesn't sound as annoying as my normal voice in my head...
ain't glad i am kind of sick tho
got a cold, which means i have a sick voice as well... i like my sick voice than my normal voice, mostly because to me it doesn't sound as annoying as my normal voice in my head...
ain't glad i am kind of sick tho
Status: Jumping from one emotion to the other.
Status: real nervous for Takeuchi. MissingNo. is an excellent contestant, and he has much support behind him. It's about a 60/40 split, judging from the comments on the battle video. Man, this is starting to get to me, hehe.
Status: I just keep wanting to practise Turkish but I don't think I could focus. :/
Status: just changed my sig!
Status: it's raining pretty hard outside.
Status: I've been playing around with VGM Music Maker today, trying to recreate this song:
I can place the notes pretty well, and I have all the metadata set up (BPM, etc.), but I can't seem to recreate the instruments very well. The four FM synthesis sine wave modulation channels are kinda hard to use. I also don't know how to have the whole drumset on one channel, like on this song from Knuckles' Chaotix. Looks like I'm going to have to do some research and/or ask for some help, especially with the drums.
Edit: this video is very helpful!
I can place the notes pretty well, and I have all the metadata set up (BPM, etc.), but I can't seem to recreate the instruments very well. The four FM synthesis sine wave modulation channels are kinda hard to use. I also don't know how to have the whole drumset on one channel, like on this song from Knuckles' Chaotix. Looks like I'm going to have to do some research and/or ask for some help, especially with the drums.
Edit: this video is very helpful!
Status:
Achromalia wrote:
Status:
That already looks amazing, I can't wait to see the final result!
I have this song stuck in my head, HALP:
WATASHI WA TOKIIIIIIIIIII
NAKAMA WO SAGASHITEEEERUUUUUUUUUU
DOKO NI IRU NOOOOOOOOOO
WATASHI NO NAKAMAAAAAAAAA
WATASHI WA TOKIIIIIIIIIII
NAKAMA WO SAGASHITEEEERUUUUUUUUUU
DOKO NI IRU NOOOOOOOOOO
WATASHI NO NAKAMAAAAAAAAA
Status: song of the day that is stuck in my head:
Status: I just choked on my water. I was reading some funny comment and laughed while drinking water and since I didn't want to spit out the water I forced myself to drink it and choked quite hard on it. Damn this hurt.
I've got two interviews for two different things on two different days. i hope i don't get two nervous. i'm hoping two handle these two interviews well. one of them starts at one PM and ends at two PM. then after interview number one on day one i have interview number two on day two. i one-der how these two are gonna go.
Doing maths homework in the first time in forever and getting agitated at WW3 news that keeps getting recommended to me on my phone.
Status: I found this house mix yesterday night and now I'm listening to it today.
I thought Monstercat having house was weird, because what Monstercat usually hosts and what I like about house are two totally different things. I'm about ten minutes in and I was right. The description calls it "progressive house". I don't know what it means, but I don't really like it. I much prefer soulful house or J-house, such as the music in this mix:
I really like this one.
I thought Monstercat having house was weird, because what Monstercat usually hosts and what I like about house are two totally different things. I'm about ten minutes in and I was right. The description calls it "progressive house". I don't know what it means, but I don't really like it. I much prefer soulful house or J-house, such as the music in this mix:
I really like this one.
Yeah, I listened to another progressive house mix and it's not really my style. It's like if you had a house—electro slider, and you set it to 25% house 75% electro.
I found another great house mix, though. This one isn't the soulful house I usually listen to, but it's still really good. It's like if you set the slider to 50% house 50% electro. It reminds me of something you might find on a radio station in a racing game. It's nice to listen to.
I found another great house mix, though. This one isn't the soulful house I usually listen to, but it's still really good. It's like if you set the slider to 50% house 50% electro. It reminds me of something you might find on a radio station in a racing game. It's nice to listen to.
I'm thinking of dying (again).
No joke. I even created a scenario.
Well, several ones which I stopped considering because there wasn't any appropriate place for each of them.
If nothing goes wrong on Monday, I'll have to choose whether I'm making my 10-years-old decision true or not.
I just don't want to live where nobody gives a hand to dying wishes. By that, I actually mean "helping people getting their satisfying death".
No joke. I even created a scenario.
Well, several ones which I stopped considering because there wasn't any appropriate place for each of them.
If nothing goes wrong on Monday, I'll have to choose whether I'm making my 10-years-old decision true or not.
I just don't want to live where nobody gives a hand to dying wishes. By that, I actually mean "helping people getting their satisfying death".
Nothing is entertaining me but I don't want to sleep. I know that trying to sleep too early will just cause me to have bad thoughts, which is worse than being a bit bored.
A firefly crashed onto my screen.
45Traeath wrote:
I'm thinking of dying (again).
No joke. I even created a scenario.
Well, several ones which I stopped considering because there wasn't any appropriate place for each of them.
If nothing goes wrong on Monday, I'll have to choose whether I'm making my 10-years-old decision true or not.
I just don't want to live where nobody gives a hand to dying wishes. By that, I actually mean "helping people getting their satisfying death".
Hey mate, I've been suffering with similar thoughts. Try talking to someone you trust about this, even if it's me. That being said, a therapist is preferred. Kooth is a good, free online service, though I'm not sure whether or not it's an international one.
Situations may seem endless and pointless to struggle through, but very few situations last a lifetime. Death is permanent. Please remember this. It's an escape from the bad, sure, but also the good, and the chance for good.
There are ways to turn negative thoughts into sonething useful. For example, I constantly think I'm worthless, so when I have the energy, I use this energy to improve myself in some way, even in a rather unnoticeable way. Due to this energy coming rarely, it's usually used to clean my room, but I don't really mind, as it's some relief.
Maybe I've misunderstood and am projecting my thoughts onto you a bit, and in sorry if so. I simply hate the idea of others having these horrible thoughts. They're very difficult to deal with.
Fight your enemies, not join them.
Kooth looks nice, but it seems to be limited to the UK teenagers ("11-18") in the registration form.Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
I've been thinking about the "permanence/ephemerality" aspect...
The loss will be permanent for sure...
Good things to come, huh...
<I was thinking about how do I write the reply, then I think I'll have to manage this in a way/an order, so here comes a box.>
A bad childhood aside.
There are chances for good I could think of, um...
Given how things are, I force myself into thinking that I have to leave Paris. It's a nice place, but it's not to be lived in for some people, or maybe several "categories" of people.
That train of thoughts stems from kind of an "inferiority complex" in more of a physiological way, which I grew an excessive awareness... Uh, let me try to rephrase that.
...
...
"Which made me grow that", alright, um...
I'm just too aware of how often I could get the common cold. I thought of the possible causes, taking into account a (kind of) regular "warning-style" commercial about how we're sticking huge amounts of germs on ourselves and how to limit their transmission...? "Propagation"?
Well there's this, and, seeing how my family (mostly my big bro') behaves with the belongings, I just had to fly straight to that conclusion. Like...
HOW CAN YOU JUST PUT ANYTHING, THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND ONCE, ON THE SOFA AND THE BED?!
(Chairs and stools aside, that's just out [I don't play baseball though].)
Then I've been thinking about solutions to limit, if not nullify, the presence of those naughty (micro-)pieces of sxit. Trying to avoid physical contact (from the front and with handbags) aside, I've got a capacity of 675mL of hydroal' solution in 5 separate recipients ("bottles"?) out of "sneaking into" relevant places (so I can get some for free), and an extra "spray-type" recipient that was already empty to start with.
Of course, that's stupidly extreme. Thinking of staying with that much until I manage to get out of Paris, there's nothing about learning how to take care of oneself, but that, as I mentioned, was because I gave up on life since approx' 10 years. So obviously at that time, I went full lazy, which was clearly wrong; I had to plan my own death. But of course, since it was even before I get my jobs and even before I was aware of the lifestyle of my family, I couldn't find a plan and was in the fear of the consequences.
For now I just hate skinship, gravity and uh... I forgot the 3rd thing I was thinking about. [EDIT] Could be "crowds" but I feel like it was something else.
(Also, what girl, woman or anyone would take on a hygienic maniac with that high level of a madness heh. Screw that relationship.)
Getting to one of the point ("Trying to reply to a paragraph"), the only "peace of mind" I have for the moment - physically - is a limited usage of "liquid" on a personal space and belongings (I wouldn't last long, if I started "taking care" of the whole appartment when there's the whole family, plus it's just plain stupid)...
The other good and chances of good being just me virtually relieving myself... New Vocaloid songs, new "books", ASMR, new illustrations on Pixiv, whatev'. But they couldn't erase the pain from living through a generation almost filled with the wrong children.
...
... *Sudden realization*
Huh... Financial matters...
I'm supposed to go to an appointment on Thursday with a bank counselor, maybe I could talk about my intention of getting out of Paris......
But then there's another thing that'll happen which intensified my intention of "running away" for freakin' good: meeting with my "boss"'s superior, as I fxxked up real hard because of those habits (strike one, losing in performance as an employee, strike two, getting too cocky with my hygienical habits, unexpected and unwanted strike three, someone "added oil on the fire". "Hai! Out!". He wasn't wrong in what he said about me, but wasn't entirely right).
A hope I could think of is that he'll be willing to listen to my version of the "facts", since there's a line between a "fact" and a "memory"...
I'm so negative, I can't bend my feelings to the point of thinking that it will happen. I can only feel like nothing good will happen, aside from the decision to shorten the duration of my contract and never "re-extend" it.
I'm fine with an end being put on my contract. I fxxked up. I just didn't see a third strike coming. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle the tense atmosphere once I enter his office.
But seriously though, what company would take someone like me if I ever talk frankly about such goals... Society in our days want people to be cooperative, not "too" self-centered...
Projecting your thoughts onto me is completely fine; I only wrote that message like a calling card against myself. It's all about how things are going to go in a "Persona 5" fashion, instead of walking away in silence. I felt like writing that because of the mysterious easing magic called "Internet", which happened after writing a '.txt' file supposed to be my "last words/testament/apologies" thing.
What I don't understand is the "enemy" thing...
Oh, joining the "dark thoughts" and let my end happen...
There's one thing that came back to my mind, a colleague told me how we're indeed all different, and pointing out that I'm being too different.
Well, that's on purpose, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone about my death wish. So I misunderstood as "joining the common sense and not fighting it".
I've been planning on that, it's just that it'll take many months and years to obtain my own place to live in. For good. No dying.
But then there's the "months and years" thing that will keep on disturbing me, along with my family's behavior, and the incoming scolding and consequences that will never leave my mind even after going through it...
...
...
Ugh.
...
...*Just me being a dork*
If my life does change in a positive way in the following months, then I will finish my audio montage...
Vocaloid songs aside, there also are some "books" I need to finish reading, it's been a long time without the motivation to read a single thing.
There's also that book on my desk... I never got to actually try to read it, but given how the title is a bit misleading to me...
And I just learned about that novel getting an adaptation that will be broadcast this year...
...
Ugh. Living is a weird pain.
Also, seems like I'm going to eat lunch alone at home...
*Hesitation intensifies*
45Traeath wrote:
Kooth looks nice, but it seems to be limited to the UK teenagers ("11-18") in the registration form.Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
I've been thinking about the "permanence/ephemerality" aspect...
The loss will be permanent for sure...
Good things to come, huh...
<I was thinking about how do I write the reply, then I think I'll have to manage this in a way/an order, so here comes a box.>
A bad childhood aside.
There are chances for good I could think of, um...
Given how things are, I force myself into thinking that I have to leave Paris. It's a nice place, but it's not to be lived in for some people, or maybe several "categories" of people.
That train of thoughts stems from kind of an "inferiority complex" in more of a physiological way, which I grew an excessive awareness... Uh, let me try to rephrase that.
...
...
"Which made me grow that", alright, um...
I'm just too aware of how often I could get the common cold. I thought of the possible causes, taking into account a (kind of) regular "warning-style" commercial about how we're sticking huge amounts of germs on ourselves and how to limit their transmission...? "Propagation"?
Well there's this, and, seeing how my family (mostly my big bro') behaves with the belongings, I just had to fly straight to that conclusion. Like...
HOW CAN YOU JUST PUT ANYTHING, THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND ONCE, ON THE SOFA AND THE BED?!
(Chairs and stools aside, that's just out [I don't play baseball though].)
Then I've been thinking about solutions to limit, if not nullify, the presence of those naughty (micro-)pieces of sxit. Trying to avoid physical contact (from the front and with handbags) aside, I've got a capacity of 675mL of hydroal' solution in 5 separate recipients ("bottles"?) out of "sneaking into" relevant places (so I can get some for free), and an extra "spray-type" recipient that was already empty to start with.
Of course, that's stupidly extreme. Thinking of staying with that much until I manage to get out of Paris, there's nothing about learning how to take care of oneself, but that, as I mentioned, was because I gave up on life since approx' 10 years. So obviously at that time, I went full lazy, which was clearly wrong; I had to plan my own death. But of course, since it was even before I get my jobs and even before I was aware of the lifestyle of my family, I couldn't find a plan and was in the fear of the consequences.
For now I just hate skinship, gravity and uh... I forgot the 3rd thing I was thinking about. [EDIT] Could be "crowds" but I feel like it was something else.
(Also, what girl, woman or anyone would take on a hygienic maniac with that high level of a madness heh. Screw that relationship.)
Getting to one of the point ("Trying to reply to a paragraph"), the only "peace of mind" I have for the moment - physically - is a limited usage of "liquid" on a personal space and belongings (I wouldn't last long, if I started "taking care" of the whole appartment when there's the whole family, plus it's just plain stupid)...
The other good and chances of good being just me virtually relieving myself... New Vocaloid songs, new "books", ASMR, new illustrations on Pixiv, whatev'. But they couldn't erase the pain from living through a generation almost filled with the wrong children.
...
... *Sudden realization*
Huh... Financial matters...
I'm supposed to go to an appointment on Thursday with a bank counselor, maybe I could talk about my intention of getting out of Paris......
But then there's another thing that'll happen which intensified my intention of "running away" for freakin' good: meeting with my "boss"'s superior, as I fxxked up real hard because of those habits (strike one, losing in performance as an employee, strike two, getting too cocky with my hygienical habits, unexpected and unwanted strike three, someone "added oil on the fire". "Hai! Out!". He wasn't wrong in what he said about me, but wasn't entirely right).
A hope I could think of is that he'll be willing to listen to my version of the "facts", since there's a line between a "fact" and a "memory"...
I'm so negative, I can't bend my feelings to the point of thinking that it will happen. I can only feel like nothing good will happen, aside from the decision to shorten the duration of my contract and never "re-extend" it.
I'm fine with an end being put on my contract. I fxxked up. I just didn't see a third strike coming. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle the tense atmosphere once I enter his office.
But seriously though, what company would take someone like me if I ever talk frankly about such goals... Society in our days want people to be cooperative, not "too" self-centered...
Projecting your thoughts onto me is completely fine; I only wrote that message like a calling card against myself. It's all about how things are going to go in a "Persona 5" fashion, instead of walking away in silence. I felt like writing that because of the mysterious easing magic called "Internet", which happened after writing a '.txt' file supposed to be my "last words/testament/apologies" thing.
What I don't understand is the "enemy" thing...
Oh, joining the "dark thoughts" and let my end happen...
There's one thing that came back to my mind, a colleague told me how we're indeed all different, and pointing out that I'm being too different.
Well, that's on purpose, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone about my death wish. So I misunderstood as "joining the common sense and not fighting it".
I've been planning on that, it's just that it'll take many months and years to obtain my own place to live in. For good. No dying.
But then there's the "months and years" thing that will keep on disturbing me, along with my family's behavior, and the incoming scolding and consequences that will never leave my mind even after going through it...
...
...
Ugh.
...
...*Just me being a dork*
If my life does change in a positive way in the following months, then I will finish my audio montage...
Vocaloid songs aside, there also are some "books" I need to finish reading, it's been a long time without the motivation to read a single thing.
There's also that book on my desk... I never got to actually try to read it, but given how the title is a bit misleading to me...
And I just learned about that novel getting an adaptation that will be broadcast this year...
...
Ugh. Living is a weird pain.
Also, seems like I'm going to eat lunch alone at home...
*Hesitation intensifies*
Hi again! The kooth situation is unfortunate, but I'm sure there would be something similar for French folk? Like, an online therapy thing? Or even face-to-face, that's also good. Anything is better than hopelessness!
It's difficult for me to understand your situation, with my limited life experience (in a way, less than a 10 year old), and lack of being able to understand others as a whole. Saying this, I feel I'll mostly be rambling.
Leaving an area does seem difficult, but also a good thing if you're upset with where you live. That's something to look forward to. Even if it takes years, it'll happen eventually, and I figure you'd then be happy.
You seem to be quite scared of germs. Have you tried to share these concerns with your family (so they respect your boundaries a bit more) or with a psychologist (who could help with your underlying issues)? I'm not sure how often you get the common cold, but I only get it around twice a week (although a lot of anxiety-related stomachs issues).
I honestly don't know what else to say about this germ issue. I don't care at all about germs. I clean my room to organise stuff and clean myself to not be self conscious. That's about as far as I go. As of recently, I barely care about either of those things either. Being on the exact opposite side of the coin, I don't know how to help. All I can say is you probably have OCD and the best thing to do with that is to speak to someone trained to deal with that.
As someone with family who doesn't care about hygiene even enough to organise anything, I do agree that trying to clean an entire apartment, with family in there, is a bit ridiculous (although I've always lived in a 3-bedroom house). I used to try. I was just being taken advantage of. So I only tidy my side of my bedroom (I share with my sister) now.
When it comes to possible good, and bad, things, remember that life isn't completely predictable. If I were to tell 14 year old me that I would be socialising, she would laugh at me. Yet I'm doing so, albeit not great (but how good could I be with practically no experience until a few months ago?). This is a good thing, and in the past, I never would've guessed this ever happening to me. So, trying to guess what good could be squeezed into your life is basically useless. You can work towards things, but purely guessing can be restrictive.
Bad things also happen. Messing up at something is understandable. Here's something I can actually give a piece of professional advice on, from my counselor (was for me, but I figured it'll fit in your situation) - you're a human, not a robot. Robots are programmed to be perfect at what they do, and are expected to be perfect. However, nobody should expect a human to be perfect. People do expect others to do their best, but our best isn't perfection, and people are mostly understanding of this. Now back to my usual, non-professional thoughts. You messed up, and you can't change the past, but whatever you do now will guide your way. Will you take what you did and learn, therefore improving; or will you sulk and slam against a wall because you've given up? Well, why give up before you've begun to think about what happened and what you could learn from it?
It takes strength to grow and admit your problems. Hiding your problems from yourself and trying to lock them up to be forgotten is insincere and weak, and gets you nowhere. I'm not saying to constantly stress about stuff you've done years ago or anything, but for you to do something useful with your experience.
I understand being negative, and, to be honest, I'm usually the same way. However, that helps nobody. I've gotten advice from a counselor, which I figured would help you. You should write your negative thoughts then turn them into positive ones (or question the negative thoughts). This works great for me, personally. I find that it makes me much more critical of my ideas and how I feel.
For example, with a class which has a lot of people, I would instinctively think 'there's a lot of people who could make fun of me'. I would previously then give up and not do to the lesson. Do you see how unhelpful thoughts cause unhelpful behaviour? Now, on my first time of having this thought since starting this exercise, I would write this in a notebook. Then, I get to this as soon as possible. Starting to think of points against this thought during registration is very useful, but this isn't always possible. But anyways, I get to the point as soon as possible and argue against it. This is usually after college. I love finding as many perspectives as I could towards everything (including political arguments), so this is quite fun. I try to find reasons why what I've written is false (that 'big class = more people to make fun of me') , or sometimes, why it doesn't matter as much as I thought it does. Then, I learn the things I've written.
I feel that this exercise would be of use to you. Not sure whether you need the full exercise I've been given (doing this to my thoughts, feelings and actions), but your thoughts definitely need help.
It's pretty hard to adapt positive thinking skills, but far from impossible. What's going on is you (and I) are used to thinking negatively, so the neuron pathways associated with negative thinking have been used a lot. This usage means that they strengthen. Neurons which carry information on positive thinking get weaker, or perhaps barely exist at all. This makes them more difficult to access. However, with difficulty, you can flip this on it's head - start using positive thoughts so these neurons strengthen, and use negative thoughts less regularly so these neurons get weaker. This is very difficult, but it's not a great idea to give up before you've tried.
Imperfections exist, and as an emotional person, they take a huge toll on my emotional state. However, it really helps to focus on the good.
I don't know much about work at all, but I would guess that your boss would listen to your side of the story if you're calm about it and not acting in a threatening, not arrogant, way.
I barely know what I've been saying. I just get thoughts and instinctively share them. Doesn't help that my thoughts are unorganised. But I hope this is of some help.
20:54 Somehow feeling optimistic for college for the first time in weeks (or probably the first time in months), despite worrying about this stupid survey/questionnaire bs. I feel I should have enough social skills and confidence to explain that, as far I know, I wasn't supposed to edit the survey, I was supposed to answer it, so I don't know why I was given the link for editing it.
Also want to clean my room, but it's nearly 9 at night.
Father's expecting me to withdraw cash.
And I'm trying to answer this thing.
EDIT: I don't know about the appropriate person, I did talk to a psychologist (if I'm not wrong on the profession), but only about my bad childhood (maybe the maniac side as well, but I wouldn't remember, I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
It's fine.
To be fair, that "cold rate" estimation was based only on whether I act with exactly their standards, which to me seem like "visual tidiness".
When I read this "cleaning room and oneself", it feels like the same to me albeit in a different "perspective and method", but the resulting "avoiding self-consciousness" feels also like the same.
My family does care about organization and cleaning. It's best to have something simple, that's what I'm understanding from their general behavior. It's just that I don't have the same perception of how long we can feel safe without repeating the cleaning process that often (realization). They also noticed how I just clean my hands too often (forgot about that part, thinking it was later), so they've taken the hint, and in counterpart, I've limited the usage as much as I could, now just focusing on keeping my belongings safe.
You might be right about the "guessing" thing.
(Consideration in progress...)
Being unable to throw my life away before my "germ awareness", I just thought of getting a diploma, and in the process, find a motivation, a career to aim for.
*Time of "back-and-forth cold" while still going to high school incoming in the middle of the 4 years; awareness follows.*
That didn't happen. But I've met people I could share my time with (although I haven't talked about any of the problems at all), which made the decision even harder to make come true.
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
Problem is. Half of the things I spoke during those times of work were true. The other half being again, to hide my death wish; to be blunt, for now, I'm just doing whatever seems necessary to my ends. I wouldn't say I didn't like those activities, but I tried to be as close as distant, drawing a line between "enjoying myself and feeling at home". Those studies about "good mood at work influencing personal life" might be true... Although I'm just saying that out of memory; I might be wrong about the topic of the thing.
They are aware of our human limits, it's me "not catching up" according to their teaching schedule to make me an actual part of their team...
Having that in mind is a burden to me, huh... Then the blunder from that day intensified it... Ugh *Keep on reading*
...
I don't know... *Reads again*
...
I did try to move on... *Reads again*
...
I know what happened, the "boss" even pointed it out, "being a dork is fine, but only to a certain degree" and I feel like I went too far; like, beyond the possibility of being left a chance to apologize more than I should and just walk out of the company (emphasis on that, I'm forcing too much blame on myself). I don't know what hint I should find and take...
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
If it wasn't for that third strike, I think I would have felt relieved after talking to the doc', then telling to the "boss" about what happened. But now the whole place, the whole project, the whole picture, the whole next level in my brain is on fire.
Maybe I'll learn things out of the three meetings (doc', bank counselor, "true boss"), but freakin' anxiety...
One thing is I can't die, refering to message's first two lines.
Um... Oh...
"Calm"... I lost that, huh...
I should mention another factor, being the presence of "boss" when I'm metting "true boss". Um...
*Blank*
Oof... Negativity strikes aga--
*YouTube notification*
Oh, good, something to distract me.
*Clearer mind (maybe)*
Also.
It's alright, that might have looked like buying time even instinctively, but at least I could actually go all out and have a better consideration/thinking time.
Don't know about the organisation of the text though, but meh.
There's no "healing" the past, I know. Maybe less pain, although slightly, if I ever come to "go out" for real.
Although that (reduced pain) will only be on my side, I guess.
Just, I'm not dead yet. Alright.
If I'm dying, that will be under the heavy weight in mind of what I retained from the meetings and their consequences, happening either a bit later than the next week ("fruitless time, no hint taken") or much later.
EDIT2: Laughter is a good medicine.
And I'm trying to answer this thing.
I don't know about "therapy", but I have yet to talk about this to a "psychologist"...?Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
EDIT: I don't know about the appropriate person, I did talk to a psychologist (if I'm not wrong on the profession), but only about my bad childhood (maybe the maniac side as well, but I wouldn't remember, I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
It's fine.
To be fair, that "cold rate" estimation was based only on whether I act with exactly their standards, which to me seem like "visual tidiness".
When I read this "cleaning room and oneself", it feels like the same to me albeit in a different "perspective and method", but the resulting "avoiding self-consciousness" feels also like the same.
My family does care about organization and cleaning. It's best to have something simple, that's what I'm understanding from their general behavior. It's just that I don't have the same perception of how long we can feel safe without repeating the cleaning process that often (realization). They also noticed how I just clean my hands too often (forgot about that part, thinking it was later), so they've taken the hint, and in counterpart, I've limited the usage as much as I could, now just focusing on keeping my belongings safe.
You might be right about the "guessing" thing.
(Consideration in progress...)
Being unable to throw my life away before my "germ awareness", I just thought of getting a diploma, and in the process, find a motivation, a career to aim for.
*Time of "back-and-forth cold" while still going to high school incoming in the middle of the 4 years; awareness follows.*
That didn't happen. But I've met people I could share my time with (although I haven't talked about any of the problems at all), which made the decision even harder to make come true.
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
Problem is. Half of the things I spoke during those times of work were true. The other half being again, to hide my death wish; to be blunt, for now, I'm just doing whatever seems necessary to my ends. I wouldn't say I didn't like those activities, but I tried to be as close as distant, drawing a line between "enjoying myself and feeling at home". Those studies about "good mood at work influencing personal life" might be true... Although I'm just saying that out of memory; I might be wrong about the topic of the thing.
They are aware of our human limits, it's me "not catching up" according to their teaching schedule to make me an actual part of their team...
Having that in mind is a burden to me, huh... Then the blunder from that day intensified it... Ugh *Keep on reading*
...
I don't know... *Reads again*
...
I did try to move on... *Reads again*
...
I know what happened, the "boss" even pointed it out, "being a dork is fine, but only to a certain degree" and I feel like I went too far; like, beyond the possibility of being left a chance to apologize more than I should and just walk out of the company (emphasis on that, I'm forcing too much blame on myself). I don't know what hint I should find and take...
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
If it wasn't for that third strike, I think I would have felt relieved after talking to the doc', then telling to the "boss" about what happened. But now the whole place, the whole project, the whole picture, the whole next level in my brain is on fire.
Maybe I'll learn things out of the three meetings (doc', bank counselor, "true boss"), but freakin' anxiety...
One thing is I can't die, refering to message's first two lines.
Um... Oh...
"Calm"... I lost that, huh...
I should mention another factor, being the presence of "boss" when I'm metting "true boss". Um...
*Blank*
Oof... Negativity strikes aga--
*YouTube notification*
Oh, good, something to distract me.
*Clearer mind (maybe)*
Also.
It's alright, that might have looked like buying time even instinctively, but at least I could actually go all out and have a better consideration/thinking time.
Don't know about the organisation of the text though, but meh.
There's no "healing" the past, I know. Maybe less pain, although slightly, if I ever come to "go out" for real.
Although that (reduced pain) will only be on my side, I guess.
Just, I'm not dead yet. Alright.
If I'm dying, that will be under the heavy weight in mind of what I retained from the meetings and their consequences, happening either a bit later than the next week ("fruitless time, no hint taken") or much later.
EDIT2: Laughter is a good medicine.
Hi there again, mate!
I should probably steal your idea and use a box!
I've tried to cut my rambling down to a minimum. My lengthy comments of nothingness are probably annoying.
If you are planning to see her again, it's best to be fully honest. It's very much worth it!
I wonder, do you sort of store the good things that go on? Such as, a positivity jar?
Easier said than done, but I'd suggest to not do that. It's not helpful.
It seems as though the people are trying to understand you and hopefully help. All I can really suggest is to be honest. In my personal experience, lying hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Trying to understand much else was pretty difficult. Maybe it's because I'm tired; maybe it's because this is just a confusing situation for me.
Good luck with everything; I hope it all goes well for you!
Status: Today has been great! Started like trash, but it kept getting better while I was in college. The lesson was good, then I've tried to play badminton again and it was really fun! I think I've done surprisingly well at it, especially considering the lack of sleep I keep getting lately. Having a peaceful night. Should probably try to sleep at 11 instead of 12.
I should probably steal your idea and use a box!
I've tried to cut my rambling down to a minimum. My lengthy comments of nothingness are probably annoying.
45Traeath wrote:
I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
If you are planning to see her again, it's best to be fully honest. It's very much worth it!
45Traeath wrote:
But I've met people I could share my time with
45Traeath wrote:
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
I wonder, do you sort of store the good things that go on? Such as, a positivity jar?
45Traeath wrote:
I'm forcing too much blame on myself
Easier said than done, but I'd suggest to not do that. It's not helpful.
45Traeath wrote:
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
It seems as though the people are trying to understand you and hopefully help. All I can really suggest is to be honest. In my personal experience, lying hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Trying to understand much else was pretty difficult. Maybe it's because I'm tired; maybe it's because this is just a confusing situation for me.
Good luck with everything; I hope it all goes well for you!
Status: Today has been great! Started like trash, but it kept getting better while I was in college. The lesson was good, then I've tried to play badminton again and it was really fun! I think I've done surprisingly well at it, especially considering the lack of sleep I keep getting lately. Having a peaceful night. Should probably try to sleep at 11 instead of 12.
Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
[Box, regarding the "conversation"]
- Taken into account.
- I never thought there were even other kinds of jar. The only one I know being the one for each time someone swears.
If anything, there are times when I just go back and look at the text messages/conversations on the phone I had with one of said friends.
Loads of "memeful" talk, with some traces of our former life at school, but the "memeful" talk wins because laughter is a good medecine.
- We both get it.
- I was more counting on hiding than lying, now that I think about the differences. Even though lying to hide something is more of a common thing, if we're talking steps/order.
- About that, it seems to be going good. I think I can live through the upcoming conversation, after having one with my boss about what happened at the doctor's. I got some words of advice from both of them. (Short version of the Status Update.)
2nd update (short version): I'm getting over it. Feeling so stupid for going too fast and straight to conclusions.
Listening to an Onsen (Internet station) radio show.
Box for a single sentence.
I'm definitely on core maths now and spending time changing my study timetable! I'm very optimistic for the future!
Just because I'm not doing A level maths right now doesn't mean I can't ever do it. This fact helped a lot when I was told it and I'm thankful I've been told this.
There's no point in feeling bad about myself. I'm able, but not with all these other socialising changes going on and stuff. My entire self is changing quickly. This doesn't make me incapable or worthless, this makes me stressed.
Now I got that down for future reference, I should probably continue with my timetable.
I'm definitely on core maths now and spending time changing my study timetable! I'm very optimistic for the future!
Just because I'm not doing A level maths right now doesn't mean I can't ever do it. This fact helped a lot when I was told it and I'm thankful I've been told this.
There's no point in feeling bad about myself. I'm able, but not with all these other socialising changes going on and stuff. My entire self is changing quickly. This doesn't make me incapable or worthless, this makes me stressed.
Now I got that down for future reference, I should probably continue with my timetable.
Carmlillball wrote:
Box for a single sentence.
I'm definitely on core maths now and spending time changing my study timetable! I'm very optimistic for the future!
Just because I'm not doing A level maths right now doesn't mean I can't ever do it. This fact helped a lot when I was told it and I'm thankful I've been told this.
There's no point in feeling bad about myself. I'm able, but not with all these other socialising changes going on and stuff. My entire self is changing quickly. This doesn't make me incapable or worthless, this makes me stressed.
Now I got that down for future reference, I should probably continue with my timetable.
Things seem to be a lot different for you than last I was here, it's good to see
Status: I'm dropping in and lurking on threads just for funsies.
Oh hey there Puzzle. Long time no see.
I've missed you.
Status: Just got back home after having some barbecues with my HS friends.
I've missed you.
Status: Just got back home after having some barbecues with my HS friends.
Hi Tad I still love you, loveable frog-man
That is my status. I am a frog-lover.
That is my status. I am a frog-lover.
Just roaming around the OT to see if there's something interesting going on here.
Now mourning.
n.k.'s YT channel got hacked and suspended afterwards.
Sy-s-te,ma,ti,c-Or-che-s-t-ra~.
(Seriously, though, I hope those bad people get fxxked [in any meaning] in return.)
n.k.'s YT channel got hacked and suspended afterwards.
Sy-s-te,ma,ti,c-Or-che-s-t-ra~.
(Seriously, though, I hope those bad people get fxxked [in any meaning] in return.)
Status:
Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
I have just had the most dissapointing cup of "coffee" ever.
Tastes like nothing.
Tastes like nothing.
Puzzle wrote:
Status:
Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
I get that.
Though I've only been on the forums for a year.
There are so many that came and went.
It's hard to not feel sad.
Status: Suffering from my throat feeling tight, blocked and painful every time I eat. Been like this for a few days. I've never had this before. I've always had tickly coughs or blockages which don't feel the same as what I'm currently suffering. Nothing helps at all. Even searched online because I'm desperate to know what's going on and I can't find anything which causes this specifically. Guess I'm kinda grateful I can't self diagnose.
Feels good. /s
Feels good. /s
Tad Fibonacci wrote:
Puzzle wrote:
Status:
Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
I get that.
Though I've only been on the forums for a year.
There are so many that came and went.
It's hard to not feel sad.
yeah, IKR?
Carmlillball wrote:
Status: Suffering from my throat feeling tight, blocked and painful every time I eat. Been like this for a few days. I've never had this before. I've always had tickly coughs or blockages which don't feel the same as what I'm currently suffering. Nothing helps at all. Even searched online because I'm desperate to know what's going on and I can't find anything which causes this specifically. Guess I'm kinda grateful I can't self diagnose.
Feels good. /s
You can't make it to a doctor?
Status: Weekend went by too fast. It's my birthday tomorrow at least
Puzzle wrote:
Status:
Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
There's a name I haven't seen in a while. o:
Status: Can't look at this forum anymore without thinking about reopening a gfx thread for the millionth time in a row, apparently.
status: torturing myself with mapping.
Status: Finally added my own std diff in https://osu.ppy.sh/beatmapsets/447151#osu/2304990 after 3 years :O
Status: I am having a hard time trying to figure out how transposition affects the frequencies of the notes played.
My mum won't let me see a doctor and I'm not feeling any better. Just trying to rest as much as possible. I figure It'll pass at some point. Probably some weird throat illness.
I don't want to go to college but I'll have to. I guess constant stress magnifies small inconveniences.
Btw hi puzzle!
Another
College has sent very well and seems my mum's starting to realize something is actually wrong. Might be able to get to a doctor soon if my throat carries on getting worse. I'm honestly worried that I'm just being a hyperchondriac, but my throat is getting rather painful. Feels like my body is constantly trying hard to vomit something but also feels I have no gag reflex whatsoever. And it stings. Eating is becoming torture, but I'm also constantly hungry.
I don't want to go to college but I'll have to. I guess constant stress magnifies small inconveniences.
Btw hi puzzle!
Another
College has sent very well and seems my mum's starting to realize something is actually wrong. Might be able to get to a doctor soon if my throat carries on getting worse. I'm honestly worried that I'm just being a hyperchondriac, but my throat is getting rather painful. Feels like my body is constantly trying hard to vomit something but also feels I have no gag reflex whatsoever. And it stings. Eating is becoming torture, but I'm also constantly hungry.
Carmlillball wrote:
Btw hi puzzle!
Hey
That sounds like a legitimate illness to me and kind of dangerous. Maybe Strep throat. Hope you've gone and seen a doctor by now or its passed; that sounds exceptionally unpleasant
Status:
I just wanna vent about art and learning to draw.
I'm kind of surprised at how much I'm learning each day with drawing and how much it always feels like it's such a small dent in the number of things I need to do.
To be fair; I think I could actually draw some really kick-ass high quality stuff if I was focused only on portrait style drawings. I've definitely developed a pretty definitive style and I know what I want out of portraits and how to get it; and I think I'm quite good at them. But my goal is to be able to draw epic style anime/manga type scenes EG Mafia Brigade of Knowledge Seekers except with my own sort of dark/gritty spin. But theres so much to learn there - anatomy is incredibly difficult from interesting perspectives, clothes are hard; being able to do those things from interesting and eye catching perspectives with pleasing compositions is even harder... I'm constantly pushing myself to learn a bit more fundamentally about how to draw and it's a struggle. Certain concepts translate through all practice but others are hard to get an innate sense for and pick up on; I think the biggest one for me moving forward is being able ton conceptualize and visualize objects as 3 dimensional things... I'm getting much better at constructing things and using basic shapes as reference points; but some things are bizarrely difficult without being able to "percieve" them in 3 dimensions from my head; even with solid construction methods. Mostly that's a problem when I'm trying to do interesting perspectives.
So yeah. I feel like I learn so much everyday but those improvements I make are so minor and I'm just struggling to keep my head afloat in an ocean of things that need to be learned.
Have an awkward ~2 hours before going to college. I don't like breaks which are between 1-4 hours. Not sure why. I just either like them long or short.
Sleep last night was tough. Painful stomach woke, and kept, me up since 0200. At least that's mostly passed now. I feel strangely energetic, with 5 hours sleep. Usually, I feel exhausted if I don't have 8 hours.
I have a doc appointment Thursday. Very convenient, as I have staff training day then, so no college and no worrying about missing lessons and such!
Currently listening to Korpiklaani, great band.
Sleep last night was tough. Painful stomach woke, and kept, me up since 0200. At least that's mostly passed now. I feel strangely energetic, with 5 hours sleep. Usually, I feel exhausted if I don't have 8 hours.
I have a doc appointment Thursday. Very convenient, as I have staff training day then, so no college and no worrying about missing lessons and such!
Currently listening to Korpiklaani, great band.
Status: on the train ride home. Season 2 for Modern Warfare dropped today, and I'm going to see if I can play it when I get home. It's getting late, though.
I had a really stressing day.
Carmlillball wrote:
Have an awkward ~2 hours before going to college. I don't like breaks which are between 1-4 hours. Not sure why. I just either like them long or short.
Sleep last night was tough. Painful stomach woke, and kept, me up since 0200. At least that's mostly passed now. I feel strangely energetic, with 5 hours sleep. Usually, I feel exhausted if I don't have 8 hours.
I have a doc appointment Thursday. Very convenient, as I have staff training day then, so no college and no worrying about missing lessons and such!
Currently listening to Korpiklaani, great band.
Throat feeling better?
Status: I finished my first stator at work today. They're not hard at all; I thought they would be. I'm pretty happy with it anyway even if it wasnt a challenge. Works going well.
Status: My pc is now ridiculously configured and stupid, and I love it. Distractions aside, I should draw more.
Puzzle wrote:
Throat feeling better?
Status: I finished my first stator at work today. They're not hard at all; I thought they would be. I'm pretty happy with it anyway even if it wasnt a challenge. Works going well.
Hi again!
Had a test for my throat and should get results Monday or Tuesday. Probably just some viral thing, but better safe than sorry, especially with Corona and tonsillitis both being things.
My throat itself still isn't feeling much better. Still pretty much the same going on. It seems to be in much worse pain, but also flare up quite less frequently.
Thank you for asking.
Great that work's going well, and well done on your first stator!
According to what Google says about stators, I assume you work with making things? That's pretty cool.
Status: It's 1700 and I'm bloody knackered. :/
Westonini wrote:
i got summoned for jury duty lol
fuck
oof that sounds annoying
________________________________________________________________________
I have not gotten a single good sleep in the past few days due to my workload. Pulling an all-nighter again today to finish my 4000 words essay about the formation of an obscure town in California. I swear after finishing all the essays that I have to write, I'm going to be on a full not-giving-a-fuck mode and play tons of games that I want to play but don't have the opportunity to. This is the only motivation for me to finish this piece of shit of an essay.
My bike got stolen
fuck
fuck
I have the four horsemen!
Headache, neck pain, stomach pain and back pain.
Headache, neck pain, stomach pain and back pain.
working on a visual novel and get distracted by FG
Wash your fruits and vegetables before eating them.
I now have a stomachache because of that.
I now have a stomachache because of that.
I've gotten 4 hours of sleep within the past 26 or so hours since I participated in another 24-hour game jam hosted by the video game dev club at my uni. Honestly, I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out. I was able to use my own sprites and song in this one as well, which gives a very fulfilling and independent feeling. I also won out of the 4 entries overall which is pretty cool.
The officers of the club were hosting the event on Twitch. Timestamped if you wanna see my part.
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/577962392?t=0h7m22s
Or if you wanna check out the game
https://westonini.itch.io/stomp
Ultimately there were a lot of things that had to be scrapped or lessened, but that's just how these game jams are. Due to the limited amount of time granted, they require you to only take the only most important aspects and develop them as quickly and efficiently as possible. Either way, this project was a seriously much needed confidence booster. Even if I didn't win the game jam, it still would have been fine since I ended up quite pleased with the results of my project.
...and boy am I glad it's over. These things can be stressful. Fun, but stressful.
The officers of the club were hosting the event on Twitch. Timestamped if you wanna see my part.
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/577962392?t=0h7m22s
Or if you wanna check out the game
https://westonini.itch.io/stomp
Ultimately there were a lot of things that had to be scrapped or lessened, but that's just how these game jams are. Due to the limited amount of time granted, they require you to only take the only most important aspects and develop them as quickly and efficiently as possible. Either way, this project was a seriously much needed confidence booster. Even if I didn't win the game jam, it still would have been fine since I ended up quite pleased with the results of my project.
...and boy am I glad it's over. These things can be stressful. Fun, but stressful.
Westonini wrote:
I've gotten 4 hours of sleep within the past 26 or so hours since I participated in another 24-hour game jam hosted by the video game dev club at my uni. Honestly, I'm pretty satisfied with how it turned out. I was able to use my own sprites and song in this one as well, which gives a very fulfilling and independent feeling. I also won out of the 4 entries overall which is pretty cool.
The officers of the club were hosting the event on Twitch. Timestamped if you wanna see my part.
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/577962392?t=0h7m22s
Or if you wanna check out the game
https://westonini.itch.io/stomp
Ultimately there were a lot of things that had to be scrapped or lessened, but that's just how these game jams are. Due to the limited amount of time granted, they require you to only take the only most important aspects and develop them as quickly and efficiently as possible. Either way, this project was a seriously much needed confidence booster. Even if I didn't win the game jam, it still would have been fine since I ended up quite pleased with the results of my project.
...and boy am I glad it's over. These things can be stressful. Fun, but stressful.
This is like really cool. I have always wanted to do this tbh
------------------------
OT: I'm so worried about my college plan rn. Even though I have like quite a while to come up with a decision, I just can't help myself and think that I might choose the wrong one
I am worried by my work, I don't know if I am getting paid this fortnight, nor when I am going back to work normally.
Not to speak about studies, all this thing started when I was ending this semester fortunately, but I am not quite sure when are we going to start the next one.
Hmmm, that's usually a difficult decision, I ended up studying a carreer I didn't want and wasted one year and ended up enrolling in another carreer.
Not to speak about studies, all this thing started when I was ending this semester fortunately, but I am not quite sure when are we going to start the next one.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH wrote:
OT: I'm so worried about my college plan rn. Even though I have like quite a while to come up with a decision, I just can't help myself and think that I might choose the wrong one
Hmmm, that's usually a difficult decision, I ended up studying a carreer I didn't want and wasted one year and ended up enrolling in another carreer.
It's normal. A lot of people change majors because they don't have much experience in their desired field, so they're not sure if they'll truly be interested in it or not. Don't stress it too much, just be confident and do a lot of research beforehand.
I need someone to help me
There is this girl I want to get to know better (I think she’s cute) but don’t know how I can do that
Will dming her through discord be creepy?
Thanks..
And I’m in quarantine btw
There is this girl I want to get to know better (I think she’s cute) but don’t know how I can do that
Will dming her through discord be creepy?
Thanks..
And I’m in quarantine btw
Well, its been 7 days since you posted that so you might have already done something and I'm not exactly the most socially adept person so there are probably better people than me to answer this, but i'll just say what's on my mind.
Given that we're in quarantine we don't really have a lot options rn (tho you already kno that). DM'ing her on discord should be fine. I mean it's possible to come off as creepy but that just depends on what you say and how she perceives it. Most likely it's not something to worry about. The hard part is actually figuring out what to say and for that I salute you and say good luck. Maybe small talk would be best to start out and get to know each other, like maybe something school related (i'm assuming you two go to the same school) and eventually after enough interactions you can have conversations that are on a more personal level. I think something that can definitely help a friendship/relationship grow is by finding and talking about things that both of you are interested in. Hobbies, shows, movies, or whatever. Those kinds of things.
Yea that's all I got. Again I also have trouble with these things so as much as I'd like to help you out more, I just don't have the skills or experience to do so.
--------
OT: So for whatever reason the 24-hour game jam project that I made last weekend is considered to be a "Fresh Game" according to Itch.io. Which I guess means that it was curated by.. someone? and added to that category. The description of the category says "Browse a constantly updating set of projects sourced from a curated collections by our members. Check back for new additions", so yea I'm not entirely sure how it works.
Anyways, since it's categorized under "Fresh Games" it has a chance of appearing on the front page of the site which is pretty cool. Honestly I'm not sure how I feel about this since it's not exactly a full fleshed out game or anything. It's more of a minigame since again it was made within 24 hours. I'm not just sure if it truly belongs under that category, and I'm just worried that the people who actually downloaded the game after seeing it there were expecting more than a quick minigame.
Itch.io has an analytics page where you can see the number of downloads, views, etc of your games. The game I made jumped up in popularity a few days ago, and when I took a look at where all the traffic was coming from I found out that it was coming directly from the front page. That's how I figured out that it was categorized under "Fresh Games".
It's a very unexpected, exciting, and worrying feeling. Below is a screenshot from the front page of the site where you can see the game I made (STOMP).
FUCK i'm procrastinating again.
Given that we're in quarantine we don't really have a lot options rn (tho you already kno that). DM'ing her on discord should be fine. I mean it's possible to come off as creepy but that just depends on what you say and how she perceives it. Most likely it's not something to worry about. The hard part is actually figuring out what to say and for that I salute you and say good luck. Maybe small talk would be best to start out and get to know each other, like maybe something school related (i'm assuming you two go to the same school) and eventually after enough interactions you can have conversations that are on a more personal level. I think something that can definitely help a friendship/relationship grow is by finding and talking about things that both of you are interested in. Hobbies, shows, movies, or whatever. Those kinds of things.
Yea that's all I got. Again I also have trouble with these things so as much as I'd like to help you out more, I just don't have the skills or experience to do so.
--------
OT: So for whatever reason the 24-hour game jam project that I made last weekend is considered to be a "Fresh Game" according to Itch.io. Which I guess means that it was curated by.. someone? and added to that category. The description of the category says "Browse a constantly updating set of projects sourced from a curated collections by our members. Check back for new additions", so yea I'm not entirely sure how it works.
Anyways, since it's categorized under "Fresh Games" it has a chance of appearing on the front page of the site which is pretty cool. Honestly I'm not sure how I feel about this since it's not exactly a full fleshed out game or anything. It's more of a minigame since again it was made within 24 hours. I'm not just sure if it truly belongs under that category, and I'm just worried that the people who actually downloaded the game after seeing it there were expecting more than a quick minigame.
Itch.io has an analytics page where you can see the number of downloads, views, etc of your games. The game I made jumped up in popularity a few days ago, and when I took a look at where all the traffic was coming from I found out that it was coming directly from the front page. That's how I figured out that it was categorized under "Fresh Games".
It's a very unexpected, exciting, and worrying feeling. Below is a screenshot from the front page of the site where you can see the game I made (STOMP).
FUCK i'm procrastinating again.
Ayy, u might as well. It'd make me happy anyway if the stuff I created make it into the front page.
--------------------------------------------------
OT: I was reminiscing for a bit about New Page game so I kinda read a portion of the forum. I really wish that something like that game would be recreated soon. Maybe it would make me feels more interested in the forum than I am rn
--------------------------------------------------
OT: I was reminiscing for a bit about New Page game so I kinda read a portion of the forum. I really wish that something like that game would be recreated soon. Maybe it would make me feels more interested in the forum than I am rn
Status: Just registered for next semester's classes without a hitch!
i've had a painful cyst on my ass for a good few weeks now and it turns out i need surgery since it's reoccurring.
that's exactly what i like to hear
that's exactly what i like to hear
I changed my pfp.
I'm so conflicted as to whether I should validate this or not.
Also, it's the first thing, first try I'm playing after several days (maybe "weeks"?) and I...
FmL.
dunno
sounds like a real pain in the assWestonini wrote:
i've had a painful cyst on my ass for a good few weeks now and it turns out i need surgery since it's reoccurring.
that's exactly what i like to hear
badum tiss
I'm here on vacation. I'll probably go home soon though.Restore wrote:
tempted to return to these forums once again
I decided on a whim to add translations for this.
A "gameplay" of a short free game.
Title of the video: "「Dear」, a sad story of a girl whose mouth's been sealed".
Current phase: writing the translations (9 minutes and a half out of 43 done).
A "gameplay" of a short free game.
Title of the video: "「Dear」, a sad story of a girl whose mouth's been sealed".
Current phase: writing the translations (9 minutes and a half out of 43 done).
To say more about something related to that game, which is the website Freem (ふりーむ), it's where free (Japanese) games are uploaded.
"LiEat"* and "Blank Dream" are also available in their original, "Japanese game", state on that website.
(*Of course, Miwashiba's other works are there too.)
There are some interesting games, from the "plays" I've seen on FOS's channel, if the language barrier isn't a problem to you.
(Although there are other, more notable "YouTubers" and "V-Tubers" who also are on that field. But that's nothing I care about.)
"LiEat"* and "Blank Dream" are also available in their original, "Japanese game", state on that website.
(*Of course, Miwashiba's other works are there too.)
There are some interesting games, from the "plays" I've seen on FOS's channel, if the language barrier isn't a problem to you.
(Although there are other, more notable "YouTubers" and "V-Tubers" who also are on that field. But that's nothing I care about.)
reached 5k pp on mania
Trying to bring back dead forum games that will likely to be popular again before it is inactive although this is only like 10 days ago. This has a lot of posts people can look through our status. Maybe someone wants to update their status too.
working on mania mapping olympiad entry. frums is a good featured artist btw
I am dominating the forum games. Then get back with mapping.
im finding it very interesting to see how things have changed since ive last been in fg
I'm mostly everywhere in the first page of the forum games.
I can't take all over the forum games again. I don't feel like it. But, the power inside me came out in a blazing dust of darkness, surrounded me with evil lurking behind me. It takes control of me. I can't... I just can't...
DeletedUser_6709840
Started the first steps of getting my garbage attempt of a novel into something readable for a visual novel. Turns out, I need to rewrite EVERYTHING in order to fit the medium, plan alternate routes for the player to choose, plan where art will change/code that needs to be written, and hope the artist that I have intrigued in the project will not run away when they see how disorganized my story-planning is.
... not to mention, I need to learn what sizes I need the assets to be for a game that's 1920 x 1080 resolution...
... not to mention, I need to learn what sizes I need the assets to be for a game that's 1920 x 1080 resolution...
Ah s#!t, here we go again.