A bad childhood aside.

There are chances for good I could think of, um...
Given how things are, I force myself into thinking that I have to leave Paris. It's a nice place, but it's not to be lived in for some people, or maybe several "categories" of people.
That train of thoughts stems from kind of an "inferiority complex" in more of a physiological way, which I grew an excessive awareness... Uh, let me try to rephrase that.
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"Which made me grow that", alright, um...
I'm just too aware of how often I could get the common cold. I thought of the possible causes, taking into account a (kind of) regular "warning-style" commercial about how we're sticking huge amounts of germs on ourselves and how to limit their transmission...? "Propagation"?
Well there's this, and, seeing how my family (mostly my big bro') behaves with the belongings, I just had to fly straight to that conclusion. Like...
HOW CAN YOU JUST PUT ANYTHING, THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND ONCE, ON THE SOFA AND THE BED?!
(Chairs and stools aside, that's just out [I don't play baseball though].)
Then I've been thinking about solutions to limit, if not nullify, the presence of those naughty (micro-)pieces of sxit. Trying to avoid physical contact (from the front and with handbags) aside, I've got a capacity of 675mL of hydroal' solution in 5 separate recipients ("bottles"?) out of "sneaking into" relevant places (so I can get some for free), and an extra "spray-type" recipient that was already empty to start with.

Of course, that's stupidly extreme. Thinking of staying with that much until I manage to get out of Paris, there's nothing about learning how to take care of oneself, but that, as I mentioned, was because I gave up on life since approx' 10 years. So obviously at that time, I went full lazy, which was clearly wrong; I had to plan my own death. But of course, since it was even before I get my jobs and even before I was aware of the lifestyle of my family, I couldn't find a plan and was in the fear of the consequences.
For now I just hate skinship, gravity and uh... I forgot the 3rd thing I was thinking about. [EDIT] Could be "crowds" but I feel like it was something else.
(Also, what girl, woman or anyone would take on a hygienic maniac with that high level of a madness heh. Screw that relationship.)


Getting to one of the point ("Trying to reply to a paragraph"), the only "peace of mind" I have for the moment - physically - is a limited usage of "liquid" on a personal space and belongings (I wouldn't last long, if I started "taking care" of the whole appartment when there's the whole family, plus it's just plain stupid)...
The other good and chances of good being just me virtually relieving myself... New Vocaloid songs, new "books", ASMR, new illustrations on Pixiv, whatev'. But they couldn't erase the pain from living through a generation almost filled with the wrong children.
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... *Sudden realization*
Huh... Financial matters...
I'm supposed to go to an appointment on Thursday with a bank counselor, maybe I could talk about my intention of getting out of Paris......

But then there's another thing that'll happen which intensified my intention of "running away" for freakin' good: meeting with my "boss"'s superior, as I fxxked up real hard because of those habits (strike one, losing in performance as an employee, strike two, getting too cocky with my hygienical habits, unexpected and unwanted strike three, someone "added oil on the fire". "Hai! Out!". He wasn't wrong in what he said about me, but wasn't entirely right).
A hope I could think of is that he'll be willing to listen to my version of the "facts", since there's a line between a "fact" and a "memory"...
I'm so negative, I can't bend my feelings to the point of thinking that it will happen. I can only feel like nothing good will happen, aside from the decision to shorten the duration of my contract and never "re-extend" it.
I'm fine with an end being put on my contract. I fxxked up. I just didn't see a third strike coming. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle the tense atmosphere once I enter his office.
But seriously though, what company would take someone like me if I ever talk frankly about such goals... Society in our days want people to be cooperative, not "too" self-centered...

Projecting your thoughts onto me is completely fine; I only wrote that message like a calling card against myself. It's all about how things are going to go in a "Persona 5" fashion, instead of walking away in silence. I felt like writing that because of the mysterious easing magic called "Internet", which happened after writing a '.txt' file supposed to be my "last words/testament/apologies" thing.

What I don't understand is the "enemy" thing...
Oh, joining the "dark thoughts" and let my end happen...
There's one thing that came back to my mind, a colleague told me how we're indeed all different, and pointing out that I'm being too different.
Well, that's on purpose, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone about my death wish. So I misunderstood as "joining the common sense and not fighting it".
I've been planning on that, it's just that it'll take many months and years to obtain my own place to live in. For good. No dying.
But then there's the "months and years" thing that will keep on disturbing me, along with my family's behavior, and the incoming scolding and consequences that will never leave my mind even after going through it...
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Ugh.
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...*Just me being a dork*
If my life does change in a positive way in the following months, then I will finish my audio montage...
Vocaloid songs aside, there also are some "books" I need to finish reading, it's been a long time without the motivation to read a single thing.
There's also that book on my desk... I never got to actually try to read it, but given how the title is a bit misleading to me...
And I just learned about that novel getting an adaptation that will be broadcast this year...
...
Ugh. Living is a weird pain.