Puzzle wrote:
Myself. I never seem to be good enough despite the fact I'm always trying to improve. Most of the time I can deal with that and I've learned to feel satisfied with the progress I make. It makes things bearable, manageable, and even enjoyable. And I know if I keep going and manage myself well, I'll succeed. But there are sometimes where I let my emotions and frustrations really get the better of me and it's generally something like "Why am I not good enough?" at something. I've had a stint of that the past couple of days and it's not pleasant.
something similar to this.
it's a good load of self-hatred, and my perfectionism doesn't help much.
i'm struggling to explain it.
there's some basic emotions people get to feel.
anger. joy. grief. fear.
the best i get to feel from them?
angry enough to sulk. enough joy to chuckle.
not much else. the two others?
fear? only whatever human instinct serves, bodily flinches, and all. other than that, i've yet to be horrified by anything. i haven't really experienced real fear.
but then there's grief.
i just shut down. no emotion, no expression, no life, no thoughts. just a still body, staring into the void. completely inert.
now, though apathy has been the shield that makes all this possible and completely negates hysteria, there's something about my internal thoughts that really get to me.
seething self-hatred. it's clear. it's there. it's real. hate.
hate, because of my failure to have fixed anything. all i've done was sit and watch as my life fell apart. i was too numb to do anything. too stupid to, in fact. too ignorant to listen to what i should've done. i want to climb out of my damn skin and smack myself, and let myself know exactly what i should do. i want out. get out. fix this mess. get something done. actually do something. for fuck's sake, just do something. DO SOMETHING. FUCKING GET IT DONE. FIX IT. YOU LAZY APATHETIC FUCK. STOP STARING AT THE FUCKING CEILING. ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THE CEILING FAN?? GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH. GO. DO IT. STOP FUCKING UP YOUR GRADES. STOP BEING SUCH A CHERRY-PICKING SMARTASS BY DEBATING WITH YOUR TEACHERS, NOONE CARES. STOP THROWING YOUR DEPRESSING SHIT ON EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEM TO HANDLE, YOUR FRIENDS DON'T DESERVE THIS, JUST FUCKING ENJOY LIFE WITH THEM AND LAUGH WITH HER, STOP FUCKING YOURSELF UP OVER HER, STOP RELYING ON HER TO LIVE. ALL YOU DO IS TALK AND COMPLAIN AND TALK AND COMPLAIN AND WHINE AND WRITE ABOUT YOUR SHIT AND YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING. FUCK. NO WONDER SHE HAD DISTANCED HERSELF. CONSIDERING HOW FUCKING DEPRESSIVE YOU ARE, EVEN THE MOST OPTIMISTIC OF PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY HER, JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SHIT ANYMORE. YOU'LL MANAGE, YES, BUT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING AND BETTER YOURSELF. YOU FUCKHEAD. YOU KEEP TEARING UP TO SUICIDAL ANIME CHARACTERS THAT YOU RELATE TO, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE ENOUGH OF A FUCK TO CARRY IT OUT YOURSELF? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK? JUST DO SOMETHING. PLEASE. FUCK.
...and that's where it comes from.
i suppose something like a simple thread of thoughts could just lead to a full-force bullet train running down your ego and pummelling it with the shit you wished you had done.
but it's addicting.
the emptiness. the hollowness.
it's so fucked, but it's so addicting. i can't get enough of it.
apathy.
it really changed me in the most dramatic fashion i've known. everything is internal. the worst of it is something i've yet to excavate, but i know it's there from what i get when i'm in my head for too long.
- - -
sq.