...not really, I guess? I honestly fail to feel anything in response to anyone who'd hate me, though I don't even really know anyone in particular that does. For some reason, most people tend to think of me as either "weird" or "alright", but never "a sack of shit" from what I recall, unlike my own feelings.

I should probably be glad for that. I'm unimportant enough for people not to care I'm there. That means I'm unlikely to be harassed, unlike how others may be, unfortunately... well, I'm harassed sometimes but I don't really think it's notable. I don't know who it is, but at school, I'm often getting food and other shit thrown at me by someone. No idea why, but eh.

- - -

Why has February been so shitty lately? The past two weeks have been really vexing for me.

What is it like for you whenever you go through self-doubt and self-hatred, blaming yourself for things, and such? How does that feel or affect you?

well it's not fun. just went through a few months where that was just all i was doing. a lot of things all fell through around the same time and i couldn't help but blame myself for all of it. when so much goes wrong at the same time, where else would your mind go at first? the whole situation just left me constantly anxious, having random moments of outwardly expressed anger (not towards others, thankfully), and overall just down in the dumps. it was probably the worst few months of my life thus far. it wasn't until recently when things started picking back up, started thinking more positively, righting my wrongs, took care of myself more, but even just thinking about being in that whole mess makes me feel a bit miserable even now.

what do you usually do to cope when you don't feel good, or how do you end up feeling better?

Sleep or shower. Usually the first one.

What do you think others would describe you as?

People describe me as easygoing and chill. I'd say that I fit that category when I'm around most people, but people who truly know me would say that I'm a goofy opinionated mofo.

If you could change one thing about your physical appearance that's not in your control, what would it be?

A little height maybe?

Mint choco; yes or yes?

Mint chocolate is alright. Yes, I suppose.

- - -

What flaw or mistake of yours in particular would you wish to correct or improve?

My lack of being capable of holding an interest in anything. It's really getting bad. I just lose interest in everything so quickly. osu is really the only long term interest I've had for a while now.

What type of weather is your favorite?

Any weather that happens not to be a consistent inconvenience, like rain, for example.

Sunny, clear skies, are nice, generally.

But for the sake of mood and appeal, I do enjoy an overcast sky.

- - -

how would you approach a hypothetical $20,000 college debt?

Once I get started in my career that I presumably earned with my college degree, I'd put maybe like 100-200 towards it each month? I don't know. I'm sure that there's more efficient ways to go about it, I'd have to read up more about it.

What is your sleep schedule like?

It varies. I tend to sleep at around 1 AM as of the past week but could be awake for much longer at times. I'll usually wake up at 7.

that's about it, but yeah.

other times, it could be from 3-8.

i tend to amass an average of 6 hours of sleep.

- - -

Penguin wrote:

What is your sleep schedule like?

12am to 7 am, 3am to 10am or 6am to afternoon

Have crushes?

not any tangible or known crush at the moment.

it's been like that for a good couple years. nothing's happened.

oh well.

- - -

Penguin wrote:

What is your sleep schedule like?

whenever i feel like sleeping, i do. sometimes 10, sometimes 12, sometimes 3, sometimes whenever else in between.

usually wake up from about 9:30 - 11 regardless

same q

I was able to choose all my class schedules this time around (except Friday) to all start at 12:30 PM.

So on weekdays I go to bed normally between 1 AM - 3 AM and wake up at 10:30 AM. Weekends vary, but its normally like past 4 AM. I'm generally just a night person. Definitely not a morning person, that's for sure.

Same question.

I usually go to sleep at 3 or 5 am and wake up at 12 am.
I'm not proud of it though, and the holiday is ending soon so I'd better adopt a healthier sleep schedule.

Same question.

wow, my question was so good it got recycled like 5 times.

My sleep schedule has been so messed up lately. On Mondays and Wednesdays, I have to wake up at 5:30 am for school and on the weekends I have to wake up by 7am-8am for work. Recently I have been getting only a few hours of sleep or no sleep at all each night. Just a few weeks ago I was awake for 40ish hours straight at one point. It's not like I have trouble sleeping either, I just don't want to I guess? I don't want to face the troubles of tomorrow so I'd rather stay awake and spend time doing random shit on the PC. I've been having terrible dreams lately too, pretty nightmarish to be honest. I think the combination of not wanting to face tomorrow and being scared of sleep due to my dreams is making me want to deprive myself of sleep. I don't know.

What's your favorite clothing brand?

For my experience, Arizona Clothing Co. has done okay for me. So has Goodfellow & Co. I'm having trouble deciding between the two.

I don't shop for clothes often so there isn't much I can say, really.

On a side note, I'd love to have your nightmares. If you dont want them and are able to transfer them over to me, I'd love some. It'll give me something to reflect on or perhaps I may finally find something I'm scared of. I've yet to have a notable nightmare. The last one I've had, I wouldn't even consider a nightmare, but I suppose the situation would be nightmarish, I guess?

My last "nightmare" was about being caught in the middle of a mass-shooting at a gallery of sorts. I think I got out alive, so that was cool.

- - -

What are your nightmares often about?

well, I made a thread in GD a few weeks ago describing them (https://osu.ppy.sh/forum/t/853762) but recently I haven't had nightmares in the sense that they are scary/horror/monster dreams. Mine are more-so mentally disturbing and traumatizing(?) I've been having dreams about people from my past that have passed away, about people close to me dying. In these dreams I experience raw emotions like anxiety, fear, sadness, etc etc, even though the events occurring in my dreams aren't in anyway anxiety or fear-inducing.

same q

Damn, haven't had a nightmare or dream in a very long time. Although from what I can remember, most of the time it was really hard to move or I couldn't move at all. Everything around me wasn't only moving faster, but were just faster in general. I always tended to be losing someone important to me or being seen as an outcast. And I'm assuming there was lots of running involved.

I used to have those lucid dreams where I couldn't move my body but I could move my eyes. I'll never forget those. I always saw dark shadowy figures on the corners of my eyes, and they weren't moving but I knew they were staring at me. Some of them actually did move towards me very slowly now that I think about it. There was one time where it right next to my bed, hovering over me. I think he resembled a clown or somethin. And all I could do was look. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream, I couldn't show any emotion. And once I'd be able to finally move, everything would suddenly disappear and I'd be breathing super fucking hard. Spooky stuff. I didn't realize those types of stories weren't all that uncommon till like high school or so.

- - - - -

What connection(s) do you have to your avatar? Or in other words, why did you choose it?

(What a timing to get into the games.)

Well... I drew this self of mine like... In 2k17, I think.


Ever heard a story about a "foolish unlucky man"?

i don't think so, maybe

when have you last had a heart breaking moment

I'm not sure if I can classify it as heartbreaking. It didn't necessarily feel as if it broke my heart, but it did at least kill me a little inside.

...

...the time my mother and her boyfriend left and moved out, sometime during late April of 2018. My birthday was earlier that month.

they took almost everything with them.

we only had a little less than a hundred dollars or so. not much food left other than whatever was spoiling on the counters after they took the refrigerator. not to mention, they took the washer and dryer as well.

we had enough money to buy a mini-fridge by her mercy, giving about 50 dollars or so, if i recall correctly.

didn't get to drink or eat much, but whatever i could find would manage to be enough for the afternoon and late nights. i remember being exhausted, ready to hurl after helping my dad with all the boxes, after having packed them with him. we drove to the self-storage cell and managed to fit a fair amount. the piano was badly damaged after falling while it was being picked up. might not get to play it again. i loved that piano.

...among other things.

alright, that's enough for last year's shitty events. tune in next time for more depression with your local skeleboi.

- - -

When have you last had a life-changing moment?

i got broken up with unexpectedly a bit over a month ago. first time i felt like i was genuinely in love, but oh well. it's over now, what can i do? it didn't end on a sour note, we're still cool. just sucks.

what was the last thing someone said to you that made you smile?

I don't recall, but it'd technically be today. I've got a few great friends, even though they're not really invested in the friendship for what can be seen (a healthy and fair choice, i suppose), they do make me laugh and are great to be around while we're there at school.

- - -

What's the most uplifting event you've had in the last several months?

I don't know to be honest. The past few months have been really shitty. I guess I got a new job? That's kinda uplifting seeing as how it's miles ahead of being unemployed.

What is your opinion on e-cigarettes/vapes?

I don't hate them any less than traditional cigarettes.

What is your favorite genre of fiction?

For a video game, I like fantasy, steampunk, cyberpunk etc...

What are you easily impressed by?

It's hard to list and discern.

But some examples would be other fellow artists and musicians, typically of a higher skill than mine.

Sometimes it'd be impressive to consistently see a musician produce high-quality electronic music released weekly, in this case, their workflow and productivity is impressive.

Eh.

- - -

Smartphones, or PCs?

PC, definitely. Even though smartphones are more mobile/portable, you trade that in for versatility. I will never be able to edit an image or video as precisely or efficiently and upload it as quickly as I could with a PC.

What do you do when you really don't want to do something but you still gotta do it? Just suck it up and deal with it?

I'll probably would do it as quickly and efficiently as possible so that I can be over with it and spend my time and energy to other more interesting stuffs, like shit posting on OT.

What was the scariest moment of your life?

First -- Re-evaluate the reasoning as to why one would have to do said thing. If you deem it to be reasonably necessary, then...

Second -- Endure. Buckle your seatbelts, and hold on for dear life, or dear death.

...Or buckle the ends of the stapler over there if that's the job you so choose.

I dunno what it is you do.

And good luck!

Addendum: If unsure, repeat the first step until you've procrastinated long enough that you realize you should probably get to whatever it is that you've "gotta do". That's how it had gone on my end.

OT: Realizing that I got ninja'd after typing out a pretty damn long post before figuring out I could just edit this.

In reality, I don't really recall. There's a few moments that are particularly negative, but not necessarily scary.

Well, I suppose of those times, there was the time someone broke into my bedroom and stole our shit. A lot of valuables, too. I was almost traumatized after knowing my PS2 was taken. I think I had a spare, which may be why I still have a PS2 in my possession, still in storage.

- - -

Is there anything that cheers you up on a shitty month?

OT and FG cheer me up

Same Q

doing what i want to do, whether it be playing games or talking to my friends. but if everything's really bad it kinda just comes down to luck. wake up one more and i don't feel shitty, hooray!

same q

Probably playing video games, hanging out with friends or reading some books. Also OT.

Same question.

Listening to music definitely helps, and animations or animatics can be pretty cool to watch and pass time with.

Discord sometimes helps, but really, I've enjoyed being around FG and OT the most.

I'll also occasionally draw to pass the time and relax. Playing the piano during my math class in 3rd period helps a bit, given that the song doesn't depress me further.

If all else fails, I just try to talk to whatever friends I can, or try to distract myself for a while on Youtube.

- - -

How do you perceive the entirety of humanity, and our state of being?

Well, that's quite a philosophical question.
To be frank, I hate most humans. Most people around me are idiotic, greedy, incompetent fools whom would never work on the betterment of themselves.
I find it very hard to trust them to anything. Heck, I don't even trust myself most of the time.

That being said though, I trust in humans ability to achieve things through pure determination. There are people who worked really hard all their lives just to get mediocre results. But there are genuinely talented and hard working people who've done incredible things.

As for our state of being, I'd say we're doing pretty good so far. Life have certainly been better than 100 years ago. Because the world have already experienced 2 world wars already and people realized that wars are bad, we are genuinely trying to keep world peace.

---

Same question

It's difficult for me to really come up with a solid explanation as to how I view the world, how I view everyone.

Quite frankly, I don't understand humans. I don't actually understand how and why we've reacted in the ways we have, and for the reasons we've apparently seen to be justifiable.

I have a pretty neutral stance on others by default, and I make an attempt to avoid being bitter towards everyone. It's not very productive, anyways, as us humans rely on trust and cooperation, not aversion. Aversion only seems to complicate things further. We'd isolate ourselves further.

But given the circumstances, it's understandable to be bitter. We may be undermined by someone, manipulated, misguided, and even abused.

Yet there's others that show some degree of concern for us, and those who are willing to help us in each of our goals.

The personalities of others highly vary. Many would consider humanity as a whole to be a selfish bunch, though one's personal definition and idea of selfishness varies, as it can imply greed, or narcissism, or perhaps, just someone who's concerned with living their lives so they get things over with without being attached to others, which in their eyes, may hinder them in their work.

In any case, we may very well be selfish beings, but we're also collaborative beings by default, unless we've isolated ourselves or have been dejected by the majority of others. In this case, your point stands, where many can achieve things and endure a shitty life through determination, given that they were ever motivated in the first place.

This is where depression and being unmotivated comes in.

I'd imagine a great deal of us humans have sat around, weeping and cursing at every instance of misfortune, and perhaps, they stay there, not out of the need for pity or some shit, but perhaps because they feel they have no reason to, they feel inert, and generally lost.

I dunno. In this sense, I'd say I'm sympathetic to a degree, but I've only been able to judge from a perspective of a rather lackluster understanding of how everything works. Thus, I can only try and gain from what seems reasonable and applicable.

This would only be a portion of my thoughts on humanity.

Our state of being, is questionable.

No one really seems to know with certainty as to the cause of why we're here. Some turn to a god or deity of sorts, others in the concept of some essence of sorts. The rest of us just kinda blindly look on, searching.

In regards to our existence, I'm leaning towards nihilism, but I still do things regardless.

Put simply, Life may ultimately be pointless, but if that's so, death is equally as pointless.

- - -

Same question.

This isn't an answer to the question since I've already answered mine, so the question is still there for whoever is next.

But still, I'd like to state my opinion.
I can understand the points you've brought out and I mostly agree.
Humans are selfish creatures and that's a good thing, for we need to be selfish to be able to survive.

And for the existence of humanity, I think it's quite an interesting topic.
Most religions say that God have created humans in his image, but I find the opposite to be more convincing.
Humans are the ones who have created gods in their best images. If that is the case then humans are even more powerful than gods, since gods are bound by the rules, the settings that humans made them to follow, but humans can be whatever they want.
For example, if a god is inherently good then that God is impossible to be evil. But a human can chose to be good or evil, or even what good and evil is.
I think humans are even more god like than actual gods.

Friedrich Nietzsche is famous for his statement "God is dead" that's been misunderstood by many people. Why didn't he say that God isn't real or doesn't exist? Why say God is dead?
In ancient times, god was the answer to everything. But ever since the development of science and civilization, God have been rendered obsolete.
That's Nietzsche's way of saying that more and more people are losing faith in God.
Also, Nietzsche's idea of God can also be symbolic for ideals.
Most people are lost in life, yes. But there are some who would blindly follow an ideal to the end. That in itself isn't a bad thing, but there are dangerous ideals that can kill millions of people if it has enough followers, as have been proven through out history.
But let's just say this god is a real person. And like every one, god - since he's a real person, dies.
If that happens, would people will just stop believing in god?
No.
In fact, their beliefs would be even more strengthened.
So in a sense, it's ironic to be praying to a dead god.

And in my opinion, life isn't meaningless, nor does it holds any significant meaning.
Life is what you make it is.
It can be cruel, but it's up to you to make it easier.

So in my opinion, life's meaning is also decided by humans. If you say that it's meaningless, so be it. If you say that it hold deep meaning, then it does.
After all, only humans give things a meaning.
Even gods are meaningless without followers.

I suppose i'll give my thought as well

humans are unique, unlike animals we rely on thoughts, feelings and emotions rather than just instinct. we were made in such as a way it makes me reality. i sometimes wonder. "why do we exist" "what purpose do we serve" "is there a reason for things to be the way they are now because of human evolution". Humans can be deadly as well friendly it's hard to consider some people as your friend as you never know if they might stab you in the back almost quite literally which is one reason why i don't like staying around people sometimes much less socializing with them. Human evolution has reached to a point now where anything is possible and you can expect anything. I sometimes wish i could spend a day by myself doing whatever the hell i want without people watching me from every corner constantly criticizing my every action whether good or bad, right or wrong. everything you do at least someone in this world is going to get offended by it. our philosophy is so generic that there is really no point in asking myself these questions.

All i'm going to say is that the main and only purpose of life is to live it and "make the most out of it" as some people say.

same question maybe

"The entirety of humanity" feels large, to me.
I mean, according to my way/logic, I can't put up an opinion based solely on people I've met so far.
If that matters, I would say that this "humanity" I've met is heavily disappointing.
I won't hide that part of it is nice, but the impact of the "disappointing" side left on me is just *OOF*.
I won't hope for the good to prevail ("above 80%") even for a second, but I would hope that there's a worldwide, minimum 50/50 ratio of good/evil.

"State of being"...? Like, "Where you/I think we are going"?
Straight down the path of decadence.


What's one of your "extreme luck" moment, if you ever had one?
If not, have you ever experienced "near-death" or a deadly wound in your sleeping dreams?