I asked my mom how she'd feel if I told her a had a boyfriend during a car ride home from school recently. I am out to her, but I always felt that she was in denial of it or she was hopeful I'd change, but whatever it was, I think, ultimately, the product that came out of me asking her was a factor of how unnerving the whole situation was for her and how her hopes for me slowly started collapsing as I pushed the question further.
Essentially, I asked her at first and
she laughed, which was not out of happiness obviously. She laughed
out of denial. She laughed because she didn't think what was happening was happening or serious, despite how many clues she's gotten that this
could happen. I asked her again, and she simply tried to dismiss the question, saying, "
This won't happen."
She said, that if God does not will this to happen, then it will not happen, and instead I asked again, emphasizing the what if part of the question.
At this point, she stopped for a second (in thought, of course) in what I believe was shock and soon after she followed up by repeating, in a noticeably shaky voice, "
Inshallah, this will not happen."
She was upset at this point, and anyone could notice it. I think at this point, most people would ease off and just comfort their mother, but, to be quite honest, my suspicions about her being in denial (which I felt ever since the night I came out to her after I was outed to her) made me feel quite remorseless. Between her frequent attempts (that I kindly responded to and still do) at trying to push me "back" to her religion and how often she would dehumanize and, in some extreme cases, even demonize gays, lesbians, and transgender people after I had come out, I felt it was too much to just let the air of uneasiness that settled around me over the past two years linger longer. I asked the question again, adding, "I am gay. You know that, right?"
She started to get teary-eyed when I said that.
She finally gave me a small taste of an answer when she said that she was able to deal with a devastating divorce, and that she could deal with "this". When she finished speaking she started to cry, and I think this is when my mom started to realize just how serious I was.
But, as I said, it was a small taste of an answer and I pushed even further.
I feel mostly upset about what I did beyond this point (I don't feel comfortable enough talking about it to the open public) because in the end, not only did it not get anything answered to a point I felt was satisfactory (it even left some more questions), it just hurt my mom a lot and the outcome of this seemed much more negative than positive.
