Sorry I existed. You all deserved better. I can say I try, but you can only measure doing. And all I've done is hurt people and create conflicts for no reason. I'm tired of constantly having to go through these severe up and downs and everyone acts like it's normal. Everyone gets to say they get it and they don't. I try to act so positive and focus on the good despite how much weighs me down. And then I make one mistake and I can't recover. I just wanted to be a good friend to anybody in any capacity but instead I'm too paranoid whether people hate me because I didn't say what they wanted. I've lost everything. I've lost everyone. My psychiatrists think I have no discipline despite me working my ass off. My therapists think I just need to breathe. My friends are all gone. I'm gone and I've been trrying to fight it and keep things in for years. I can't do this shit man. Nobody is helping and I've been at the edge too long man. why. why do i cry out and people just look at me thinking nothing. why do my parents stare in dissapointment instead of anything else. Why was I born like this. Why couldn't I just be normal. I don't want to go to hell man. but im tired of hurting people. I'm tired of the thoughts getting too much. I don't want to think bad things of others. I can't it hurts too much it hurts me more than it hurts you. they just say "its ok". no its fucking not. just because im laughing trying to keep the last bits of good alive. it doesn't mean the struggle doesn't exist. the roller coaster is hell. I dont want to involve people in drama. i just want to make things happiers and focus on the good. but everyone looks at me and hears what i have to say. and they just say "its nothing". everything i say means nothing to them. I vent everyday because I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it and just letting the intrusive thoughts win. people get to act edgy and make funny jokes about it. but it's not fun when those thoughts don't go away. they aren't mine. they can't be. Everyone hates me. nobody hears me out. they just make assumptions. I'm so alone. I swear I try so hard but I'm constantly making the worst mistakes because of my emotions and I can't fix it. I try to slam my head into the wall before I lose control again but it doesn't work. The highs are lows are too exhausting. im so tired. i just cant anymore.
Thanks for everything. I love this community. I hope I get banned. I hope nobody sees this and I can just lie in my bed until it's all over. I'm sorry I was such a burden every second I existed. I'm sorry it seemed like I wanted attention when i just wanted to not be alone. I'm ok with it now. Taiko was one of the few things I enjoyed in my life. It'll be fine. just take things a day at a time. Don't let other's define how much you need to do. people act like it's something new. wow it's almost like I actually care a fuck ton about others instead of just letting this shit out on everyone. its almost like im trying to be as low key as possible. its almost like it hurts all the time and I let myself suffer alone with it. it's like people have no fucking idea that someone can be on the verge of insanity and still care more about others because thats what we all do. so don't act liike its surprising. I'm not giving out information because I don't need help. what are you going to do go send me somehwere that says the same shit as everyone else. "just fucking take this pill and itll magically fix it even though it didn't do shit and just ade you feel worse and you still took it" i still fucking do it. even when i was losing my shit and you think i have no discipline. fuck you. i still try and act super positive when i feel like im being dragged over spikes. im too tired to do this anymore. to vent because it's pointless. nobody ever listens. nobody cares. it doesn't matter. it won't fix me. the world is getting to advanced. I'm devolving every year. I'm going to be 22 and people think im less mature than younger people.
I wish I was better. I ish i couldve cared more. i wish a lot of things. im going to lie in my bed now so nobody has to deal with me. ill stay here until i am magically fixed. thanks for everything. I really appreciate everyhone on here even if i barely interacted with people. well this will get banned before people see it anyways. keep yourself safe and don't let others tell you what a real struggle is. im ungrateful aren't i. I could be blind. i could be missing limbs. yet i sit here as a normal person goinginsane. ever since I was young I've been going insane and been ungrateful i guess