player info
Lott
Global Ranking
#2,136
Country Ranking
#64
Medals
99
pp
10,629
Total Play Time
25d 14h 3m
1
360
15
1,128
107
- Ranked Score
- 1,736,788,276
- Hit Accuracy
- 98.18%
- Play Count
- 23,181
- Total Score
- 11,435,129,439
- Total Hits
- 26,666,450
- Maximum Combo
- 15,150
- Replays Watched by Others
- 20,975
Joined January 2019
Last seen
Plays with Mouse, Keyboard
Contributed 213 forum posts
Posted 3,244 comments
unknown
unfound
unseen
me!
click the box below if you want to know more, and the image to be redirected to my carrd for more details
some essential information
- default price is 3$/min; but can change based on complexity
- spreads gives discounts; an x-diff spread will yield a price of <top diff price> * (x+1)/2 (eg. 5-diff spread for a 2-min song is 6*(5+1)/2 = 18$, which is 40% off from the price of 30$ when u order each diff separately))
- SV mapping and add-ons like hitsounds and storyboards are available (costs extra!!)
- i can try to do modcharts but it'll prob cost 2x as much and takes much longer
- delivery time is usually 2 days/min (eg. 3m request promises a 6 day delivery time)
- spreads gives discounts; an x-diff spread will yield a price of <top diff price> * (x+1)/2 (eg. 5-diff spread for a 2-min song is 6*(5+1)/2 = 18$, which is 40% off from the price of 30$ when u order each diff separately))
- SV mapping and add-ons like hitsounds and storyboards are available (costs extra!!)
- i can try to do modcharts but it'll prob cost 2x as much and takes much longer
- delivery time is usually 2 days/min (eg. 3m request promises a 6 day delivery time)
hey! i'm an osu!mania 4k player and mapper; though i also occasioanlly play/map osu!std.
as of now, i'm taking a long break from competitive playing and intense tournament staffing. everything has been taking a toll on my mental capacity, so i'll take my soft leave for now o/
?
there are things that are already obvious from, say, my pfp and banner.
if said things bother you, feel free to not interact with me! o/
if said things bother you, feel free to not interact with me! o/
▸ Proficiency ◂
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀RICE⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Singlestreams/Speed/Delay⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Jumpstream/Handstream⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Jacks
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Dense⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Light/Speedy⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Technical⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Abrasive/FFRCore⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Streamy/Flowy⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Abstract/Improvisation-based⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Other unlisted styles⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Based on proficiency of above types
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀HYBRID
- ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Streamy + Consistency-focused⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Jack/Shield-focused⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Technical-focused⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Tiebreaker⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Other unlisted styles⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Based on proficiency of above types
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀LONG NOTE
- ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Coordination/Release⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Density⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Technical⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Mixed/Miscellaneous⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Based on proficiency of above types
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀SLIDER VELOCITY
- ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Reading-focused⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Memorization-focused (with intuitive clues)⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Telegraphy-focused⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✧✧✧✧✧✧✧✧
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀Mixed/Miscellaneous⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Based on proficiency of above types
- if you have my GD, please don't add "lottery61" or "lottery" as my old usernames into tags!!
- feel free to use any of my maps as long as your usage follows the license terms of CC BY-SA 4.0!
+ notifying me is still recommended, i may update some maps time-to-time for various reasons!
+ if the map is a collab, do ask other mappers as well just in case. however, if the map has explicitly been used in another tournament, it's likely that everyone have been informed. if that's the case, you may use it without said procedure!
old -> new, sorted by month of conclusion
Quaver Official 4K Tournament 2022: March 2022 - April 2022 :: Mapper (last minute addition from being a Player)
The Broken Matrix: March 2022 - July 2022 :: Semi-head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Combro Cup: September 2022 - December 2022 :: Semi-head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Quaver Official 4K Tournament 2023: January 2023 - June 2023 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester, Commentator
osu! Philippines Nationals 2023 - osu!mania 4K: February 2023 - July 2023 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester, Mappool Commentator
Vietnamese National Mania Championship 2023: April 2023 - August 2023 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester, Commentator
Anti-Meta Madness: September 2023 - December 2023 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
GB Cup 2023 Autumn: September 2023 - December 2023 :: SV Mappooler, SV Playtester
4 Digit osu!mania World Cup 2024: September 2023 - February 2024 :: Mapper
Dynascape's Intermediate Cup: February 2024 - April 2024 :: Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Mania Collegiate League Spring 2024: March 2024 - May 2024 :: Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Rapid-Fire Tournament: March 2024 - May 2024 :: Mappool Staff
Quaver Official 4K Tournament 2024: March 2024 - July 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester, Commentator
osu! Philippines Nationals 2024 - osu!mania 4K: January 2024 - July 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester, Mappool Commentator
osu!mania 4K Chinese National Cup 2024: May 2024 - August 2024 :: Mapper, Playtester
osu!mania Malaysia Tournament 4: March 2024 - August 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Robeats Star Tournament: September 2023 - August 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Vietnamese National Mania Championship 2024: January 2024 - August 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
Mania Key Clash Cup 2024: August 2024 - November 2024 :: Head Mappooler, Mapper, Playtester
▸ Storyboarding Works ◂
most simple -> most complex
ICE - I D M
Egg Yolk - Trigrexxion
AXiS - Universal Chaos
BrayanKitsn vs. burger ate pizza - plana stella achernar (burger ate pizza)
▸ BBCoding Works ◂
i do BBCode!
this list only contains my standout works.
Map Descriptions
BrayanKitsn vs. burger ate pizza - plana stella achernar (burger ate pizza)
Akiri - Beyond Wood (ERA Imperial, TheFunk, anatharax, 3lijah, Reihynn)
Sillot - VOLT.Error (Lott)
Forum Posts
all of these are not good - i'd rate them like 5/10 or so...
Vietnamese National Mania Championship 2023 - Oblitus Requiem
Vietnamese Lunar Mapping Cup 2024
Vietnamese National Mania Championship 4K 2024 - ALTE DESCENT
▸ Hitsound Works ◂
AliA - utopia (Revv-, Angki, Fawcro)
Camellia - M1LLI0N PP (Cyantification) original unsimplified version
some personal advices for those who want to step into the tournament scene - especially mappool staffs
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE...
you will never be severely underappreciated. effort pays off.
being disheartened is normal - the tournament scene is very competitive, but recognition will be granted to you as long as you prove your good faith.
learn.
if you have any shortcomings, be willing to listen to people's advice and criticism.
no one is being a jerk to you, if they don't care they would leave you to rot alone.
even if people get cruel with their criticism, take the good points, and improve from them.
always treat everyone with good faith.
don't let jealousy or envy take over and twist your perception.
don't assume bad faith on anyone.
however, don't work on detrimental environments.
if you find the setting you're working on a toll to your health/mood/[...], you are free to leave said setting.
on top of that, raise any concerns you have, if you have good reason to.
as long as you don't blindly criticize wih ill intent, people are glad to explain their reasoning, or implement yours!
don't let burnout seep into you to an extremity.
the game won't go anywhere.
most tournaments you staff for are likely annual, so you aren't missing out from anything if you take a 6-month break from staffing or so.
it's better to take sufficient breaks once in a while than to drain yourself to naught and lose all interest in the game.
you don't want to open osu!, feeling mad for the vicious cycle you made, but still play it anyways. not very healthy isn't it.
IF YOU ARE A HOST...
ambition should never be the top priority.
it's great to accomplish something big, but if the fundamentals are underprepared, it will not look good on your tournament.
prepare the core aspects first, and get good at doing it, before moving to other steps!
ensure every of your staffs work. if you cannot compensate someone enough for them to work for you, don't invite them.
a plentiful staff team can sound like a bunch of work off your shoulders...
but if they don't work, or just a handful of them do (and they carry everything), maybe try to do something about it.
don't let your carrying staff have resent against your managing.
IF YOU ARE A MAPPOOLER...
focus on three things in your pool:
1. enjoyability
each map in your pool should be fun to those who's good at the skillset of each map, though it appealing to those who aren't can be a huge plus!
2. fairness
the mappool should be balanced, and provides equal advantage to every skillset.
3. diversity
your pool should have a variety of maps and skillsets to test. it should also encourage (in sufficient amounts) niche skillsets.
ask others for appropriate feedback.
other skilled poolers or testers are sure to give you meaningful insight to calibrate and polish your pool!
try to gather opinions from especially many testers/players, though do consider their skillset bias in mind.
IF YOU ARE A MAPPER...
consider acquiring some surface-level pooling knowledge.
it enables you to be aware how to make your map as fitting to the pool as possible!
don't map "because of sadistic purposes" or "to make players suffer".
if you make maps with a schadenfreude ideology, be prepared for the fact that people won't find the map appealing.
if you want to please yourself only (especially through the "suffering" of other players), maybe don't map for tournaments. you're creating content for people, after all.
maps can be annoying because it tests a naturally awkward skill, but it should not be annoying because the mapper only wants to give players a bad time.
IF YOU ARE A COMMENTATOR...
speak. speak like you mean it.
capture details, exciting moments, hype up the atmosphere.
you are a match commentator.
a player is good? talk about their performance.
a player is not as good? talk about their struggles...
but don't demean them. please practice on this first before you attempt to. it is easy to accidentally demean them.
someone is maintaining consistency? choked? dropping acc? very close to achieving something? actually achieved something? talk about them all, and more.
you are a mappool commentator.
a map has a well-known/appealing song choice? briefly talk about it.
fucked up patterns show up? express surprise.
map seems fun? express pleasantness.
map seems """annoying"""? talk about how the players may struggle.
provide sufficient info is key.
let players know who should pick, avoid a map, how players can practice/ace the map, where to look out for,...
anything that can be of value to players and of hype to spectators, speak about it.
i personally suggest against commentating on custom songs while they're live though. let people focus on the song.
IF YOU ARE ANY OTHER ROLES, I'M SORRY! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. JUST LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND BE SENSIBLE!
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE...
you will never be severely underappreciated. effort pays off.
being disheartened is normal - the tournament scene is very competitive, but recognition will be granted to you as long as you prove your good faith.
learn.
if you have any shortcomings, be willing to listen to people's advice and criticism.
no one is being a jerk to you, if they don't care they would leave you to rot alone.
even if people get cruel with their criticism, take the good points, and improve from them.
always treat everyone with good faith.
don't let jealousy or envy take over and twist your perception.
don't assume bad faith on anyone.
however, don't work on detrimental environments.
if you find the setting you're working on a toll to your health/mood/[...], you are free to leave said setting.
on top of that, raise any concerns you have, if you have good reason to.
as long as you don't blindly criticize wih ill intent, people are glad to explain their reasoning, or implement yours!
don't let burnout seep into you to an extremity.
the game won't go anywhere.
most tournaments you staff for are likely annual, so you aren't missing out from anything if you take a 6-month break from staffing or so.
it's better to take sufficient breaks once in a while than to drain yourself to naught and lose all interest in the game.
you don't want to open osu!, feeling mad for the vicious cycle you made, but still play it anyways. not very healthy isn't it.
IF YOU ARE A HOST...
ambition should never be the top priority.
it's great to accomplish something big, but if the fundamentals are underprepared, it will not look good on your tournament.
prepare the core aspects first, and get good at doing it, before moving to other steps!
ensure every of your staffs work. if you cannot compensate someone enough for them to work for you, don't invite them.
a plentiful staff team can sound like a bunch of work off your shoulders...
but if they don't work, or just a handful of them do (and they carry everything), maybe try to do something about it.
don't let your carrying staff have resent against your managing.
IF YOU ARE A MAPPOOLER...
focus on three things in your pool:
1. enjoyability
each map in your pool should be fun to those who's good at the skillset of each map, though it appealing to those who aren't can be a huge plus!
2. fairness
the mappool should be balanced, and provides equal advantage to every skillset.
3. diversity
your pool should have a variety of maps and skillsets to test. it should also encourage (in sufficient amounts) niche skillsets.
ask others for appropriate feedback.
other skilled poolers or testers are sure to give you meaningful insight to calibrate and polish your pool!
try to gather opinions from especially many testers/players, though do consider their skillset bias in mind.
IF YOU ARE A MAPPER...
consider acquiring some surface-level pooling knowledge.
it enables you to be aware how to make your map as fitting to the pool as possible!
don't map "because of sadistic purposes" or "to make players suffer".
if you make maps with a schadenfreude ideology, be prepared for the fact that people won't find the map appealing.
if you want to please yourself only (especially through the "suffering" of other players), maybe don't map for tournaments. you're creating content for people, after all.
maps can be annoying because it tests a naturally awkward skill, but it should not be annoying because the mapper only wants to give players a bad time.
IF YOU ARE A COMMENTATOR...
speak. speak like you mean it.
capture details, exciting moments, hype up the atmosphere.
you are a match commentator.
a player is good? talk about their performance.
a player is not as good? talk about their struggles...
but don't demean them. please practice on this first before you attempt to. it is easy to accidentally demean them.
someone is maintaining consistency? choked? dropping acc? very close to achieving something? actually achieved something? talk about them all, and more.
you are a mappool commentator.
a map has a well-known/appealing song choice? briefly talk about it.
fucked up patterns show up? express surprise.
map seems fun? express pleasantness.
map seems """annoying"""? talk about how the players may struggle.
provide sufficient info is key.
let players know who should pick, avoid a map, how players can practice/ace the map, where to look out for,...
anything that can be of value to players and of hype to spectators, speak about it.
i personally suggest against commentating on custom songs while they're live though. let people focus on the song.
IF YOU ARE ANY OTHER ROLES, I'M SORRY! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY. JUST LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE AND BE SENSIBLE!
collected quotes
11/2/2025
I see the sun, but I do not feel it. Someone laughs and I am indifferent, or at most I feel like I am the one being laughed at. There's a cold gray filter over everything I experience. Everything neutral or negative is a source of mortal worry, everything positive and beautiful just glances off me. I know things are supposed to make me feel good, but they do not.
I should eat more veggies, am I getting diabetes? I know people who eat bread and candy get diabetes, maybe I should stop drinking orange juice and eating fruit. Maybe I should just eat oatmeal. I feel weird, maybe it's already too late, maybe I do have diabetes. I don't want to become a burden to myself or others, if I got diabetes I doubt I could ever be happy again, the things I couldn't do, it'd be game over for me, yep.
Do my friends even like me? Am I authentic? Have I just been acting this whole time, acting so well I forgot I was even acting? Have I always been just miserable and decided to hide it, perhaps when I was in my teens, so my friends would like me more. Who would want to be with a miserable guy, no one, that's who. I am miserable because nobody likes me, but nobody likes me because I am miserable, can a man even win at this game? And trust me when I say this, when you try to fake your happiness while miserable, EVERYONE knows you are faking it, in fact, you are making yourself look worse! You look like an uncanny mannequin or 90's movie CGI, repulsive! What scars me the most is having to be reliant on my friends, they could just decide to not want to be around me at any time, yeah, let's just ditch that miserable guy. But, hell, the more I show my desperation the less people will like me, so I have to act cool and hide my fear of abandonment, because nobody wants to be around someone who is clingy, yuck! And if I ever make a mistake of telling someone of this, then they will immediately from that point on begin to analyze each word I say to try to detect hints of clinginess, it's as if I am activating their warning radars and once they get triggered three times you are out, you are too needy.
But what's even worse than a miserable guy is a miserable guy who is single! People are ought to be in pairs, being alone is weird and unappealing, nobody wants to talk to a single guy, they are incels, emotionally unsupportive or otherwise flawed or worse, they are total psychos or sociopaths, otherwise they'd be with someone! The misery they experience is just comeuppance for their greedy lifestyle of wanting to selfishly take all the time they have for themselves and not share it, yep, that's why I am miserable. It's divine judgement, it was always destined to be so, nothing to be done about it, it's a law written in our genes "Togetherness = joy, Aloneness = misery". Yep, nothing to it, the game was rigged from the start. I really should stop worrying though, worrying makes me shed my scales, I'll be young and bald. Oh gods, do I WANT to become bald because I worry so much, is this some weird sadomasochistic kink I am discovering, otherwise I'd stop worrying right away, because I don't want to be bald, I like my horns and scales. I should just take a nap.
But I won't, taking a nap is wasting time! I have been so unproductive recently, that walk I took just earlier, that movie I watched. What was I even producing then? I was literally just wasting the time I have on this planet. Today I spent the whole morning just playing video games, what a waste! It is as if that time never existed in the first place, just, poof, time gone. And what would I even do with the time that is 'productive'? Work on my craft? Isn't that a bit of a waste of time too? Like, what am I even doing there that is productive. I am not helping anyone, I am not creating something people need, I am not making the world a better place to live. In fact, I could be making it WORSE, because people who spend time looking at the things I make, they are WASTING their precious time which they could be using on something that is productive. Like why are YOU reading this, this text is miserable, it won't teach you anything or give you any divine or exquisite insight. What a big fat joke. Where's the obese gameshow host to pull open the curtains and tell us, the audience, that sapience as a concept was a fun gag while it lasted but now it's back to our regularly scheduled programming of eating grass, pooping and decomposing.
Really a consciousness shouldn't be allowed to think of its own thinking or why it is thinking in the first place. That's the source of all problems. It's like the universe suddenly realized it was a universe and figured it was doing a real shit job at being one and then decided to pull itself inside its own asshole and destroy the entirety of existence with it.
In the end though, it is funny. It is funny that expressing yourself about thinking about thinking makes the thinking part easier. Maybe it's unnatural or a mistake, but the desire to think "who we are", "why we are" and "how we are" are questions that bubbles up, whether we like it or not and if we do not answer them to ourselves every time they come up, well, we feel pretty damn bad about it. Because if we can't answer those questions to ourselves, our lives really are meaningless, random and without any start and end. The longer those questions remain unanswered the harder they are to answer, like that text you got from grandma and you just forgot to reply to it and now it has been two months, oh god. Or the text you got from your cousin last week inviting you someplace or wishing a happy something or other. But there's always time to get back to it, even though it is harder and makes you feel a bit silly. People are forgiving and you are people, you should forgive yourself more too. Enjoy the basics of life, don't worry too much about instruments we have made for ourselves to measure ourselves against one another. Try to enjoy the world itself, not the products and things we create for entertainment as they are designed to entertain and make us feel good, unlike nature which we have evolved to feel good in. it's a tough world, and we do not make being happy easy for ourselves, so take joy and happiness wherever you can get, whether it is movies, art, sports, socializing, whatever, being happy about yourself and what you are doing is one of the greatest forces in the world. It's a force that inspires, makes the world a better place and maybe, just maybe, can help someone regain their faith in life.
But in the end, it's hard enough without ourselves critiquing ourselves over what makes us happy. So go out there and be a weirdo, like the rest of us.
20/2/2025
I have absolutely nothing to say about God, or gods, or love and spirituality. Zero. I was raised in a religion, but all I cared about were how people treated each other, how they imagined value in the world, what it was that got in their way and enabled them. Of course God/spirituality comes in on both sides of that equation, as enabling and disabling happiness and connection. But I don’t much resonate to these concepts nor do I have sensual memories of being visited by anything in the least mystical in the least, even while my senses are often enraptured in the immaterial, take in the world intensely, and read the dynamics that make atmospheres and environments.
I am a person of the world. I am interested in the flourishing of beings in the context of lives that they are hammering out in the present. I am interested in the ways people find sustenance and make survival happen in worlds that are not organized for them. I am interested in why people stay attached to lives that don’t work, as though people would not survive the wholesale transformation of those attachments and the lives built around them, as though they would rather be miserable, stuck, or numb than tipped over in the middle of invention. Making worlds is very hard and losing them is devastating. In the middle, one has to build confidence or just habits that allow rest and coasting amidst the labor of making. So much of what we do demands inattention (our current emphasis on mindfulness neglects the mind’s need for incoherence, to rest, coast, spread out, incohere).
I see the sun, but I do not feel it. Someone laughs and I am indifferent, or at most I feel like I am the one being laughed at. There's a cold gray filter over everything I experience. Everything neutral or negative is a source of mortal worry, everything positive and beautiful just glances off me. I know things are supposed to make me feel good, but they do not.
I should eat more veggies, am I getting diabetes? I know people who eat bread and candy get diabetes, maybe I should stop drinking orange juice and eating fruit. Maybe I should just eat oatmeal. I feel weird, maybe it's already too late, maybe I do have diabetes. I don't want to become a burden to myself or others, if I got diabetes I doubt I could ever be happy again, the things I couldn't do, it'd be game over for me, yep.
Do my friends even like me? Am I authentic? Have I just been acting this whole time, acting so well I forgot I was even acting? Have I always been just miserable and decided to hide it, perhaps when I was in my teens, so my friends would like me more. Who would want to be with a miserable guy, no one, that's who. I am miserable because nobody likes me, but nobody likes me because I am miserable, can a man even win at this game? And trust me when I say this, when you try to fake your happiness while miserable, EVERYONE knows you are faking it, in fact, you are making yourself look worse! You look like an uncanny mannequin or 90's movie CGI, repulsive! What scars me the most is having to be reliant on my friends, they could just decide to not want to be around me at any time, yeah, let's just ditch that miserable guy. But, hell, the more I show my desperation the less people will like me, so I have to act cool and hide my fear of abandonment, because nobody wants to be around someone who is clingy, yuck! And if I ever make a mistake of telling someone of this, then they will immediately from that point on begin to analyze each word I say to try to detect hints of clinginess, it's as if I am activating their warning radars and once they get triggered three times you are out, you are too needy.
But what's even worse than a miserable guy is a miserable guy who is single! People are ought to be in pairs, being alone is weird and unappealing, nobody wants to talk to a single guy, they are incels, emotionally unsupportive or otherwise flawed or worse, they are total psychos or sociopaths, otherwise they'd be with someone! The misery they experience is just comeuppance for their greedy lifestyle of wanting to selfishly take all the time they have for themselves and not share it, yep, that's why I am miserable. It's divine judgement, it was always destined to be so, nothing to be done about it, it's a law written in our genes "Togetherness = joy, Aloneness = misery". Yep, nothing to it, the game was rigged from the start. I really should stop worrying though, worrying makes me shed my scales, I'll be young and bald. Oh gods, do I WANT to become bald because I worry so much, is this some weird sadomasochistic kink I am discovering, otherwise I'd stop worrying right away, because I don't want to be bald, I like my horns and scales. I should just take a nap.
But I won't, taking a nap is wasting time! I have been so unproductive recently, that walk I took just earlier, that movie I watched. What was I even producing then? I was literally just wasting the time I have on this planet. Today I spent the whole morning just playing video games, what a waste! It is as if that time never existed in the first place, just, poof, time gone. And what would I even do with the time that is 'productive'? Work on my craft? Isn't that a bit of a waste of time too? Like, what am I even doing there that is productive. I am not helping anyone, I am not creating something people need, I am not making the world a better place to live. In fact, I could be making it WORSE, because people who spend time looking at the things I make, they are WASTING their precious time which they could be using on something that is productive. Like why are YOU reading this, this text is miserable, it won't teach you anything or give you any divine or exquisite insight. What a big fat joke. Where's the obese gameshow host to pull open the curtains and tell us, the audience, that sapience as a concept was a fun gag while it lasted but now it's back to our regularly scheduled programming of eating grass, pooping and decomposing.
Really a consciousness shouldn't be allowed to think of its own thinking or why it is thinking in the first place. That's the source of all problems. It's like the universe suddenly realized it was a universe and figured it was doing a real shit job at being one and then decided to pull itself inside its own asshole and destroy the entirety of existence with it.
In the end though, it is funny. It is funny that expressing yourself about thinking about thinking makes the thinking part easier. Maybe it's unnatural or a mistake, but the desire to think "who we are", "why we are" and "how we are" are questions that bubbles up, whether we like it or not and if we do not answer them to ourselves every time they come up, well, we feel pretty damn bad about it. Because if we can't answer those questions to ourselves, our lives really are meaningless, random and without any start and end. The longer those questions remain unanswered the harder they are to answer, like that text you got from grandma and you just forgot to reply to it and now it has been two months, oh god. Or the text you got from your cousin last week inviting you someplace or wishing a happy something or other. But there's always time to get back to it, even though it is harder and makes you feel a bit silly. People are forgiving and you are people, you should forgive yourself more too. Enjoy the basics of life, don't worry too much about instruments we have made for ourselves to measure ourselves against one another. Try to enjoy the world itself, not the products and things we create for entertainment as they are designed to entertain and make us feel good, unlike nature which we have evolved to feel good in. it's a tough world, and we do not make being happy easy for ourselves, so take joy and happiness wherever you can get, whether it is movies, art, sports, socializing, whatever, being happy about yourself and what you are doing is one of the greatest forces in the world. It's a force that inspires, makes the world a better place and maybe, just maybe, can help someone regain their faith in life.
But in the end, it's hard enough without ourselves critiquing ourselves over what makes us happy. So go out there and be a weirdo, like the rest of us.
20/2/2025
I have absolutely nothing to say about God, or gods, or love and spirituality. Zero. I was raised in a religion, but all I cared about were how people treated each other, how they imagined value in the world, what it was that got in their way and enabled them. Of course God/spirituality comes in on both sides of that equation, as enabling and disabling happiness and connection. But I don’t much resonate to these concepts nor do I have sensual memories of being visited by anything in the least mystical in the least, even while my senses are often enraptured in the immaterial, take in the world intensely, and read the dynamics that make atmospheres and environments.
I am a person of the world. I am interested in the flourishing of beings in the context of lives that they are hammering out in the present. I am interested in the ways people find sustenance and make survival happen in worlds that are not organized for them. I am interested in why people stay attached to lives that don’t work, as though people would not survive the wholesale transformation of those attachments and the lives built around them, as though they would rather be miserable, stuck, or numb than tipped over in the middle of invention. Making worlds is very hard and losing them is devastating. In the middle, one has to build confidence or just habits that allow rest and coasting amidst the labor of making. So much of what we do demands inattention (our current emphasis on mindfulness neglects the mind’s need for incoherence, to rest, coast, spread out, incohere).
junk
personal reminder
[/centre]jan 4th 2022 -> may 30th 2024
personal sb repos
moving bg
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