keremal wrote:
well actually, this is a bit less of what i've done to better myself, and more of a realization of what it is i'm doing that should be fixed sooner or later.
so because i like to play online games a bunch (play pokemon mmos, not the shitty ones, and osu), i started to notice that my grades aren't really looking up for the best right now. and at home, i'm starting to lack on my chores, which is supposed to help me "build up responsibility".
i always disregarded what my mom said about "you're going to have to take care of yourself when you grow up" and thought that if i could get good enough at competitive esport games that i could join a team, i'd do it, but i realize that there has to be some sort of a stepping stone for me to achieve that goal. and now that i'm not really focused on trying to play games like league of legends or rocket league, i'm a bit more skeptical to how my future is going to paint itself out. because i'm only 14 years old, i still don't have a good grasp on how my life is going to be in 4 years, or when i graduate. more like "if", at this point.
so i might start playing less games (10 hours or more per day as of right now), and focus more on my education rather than how i'm going to figure out how i would do 6k muscle memories on osu!mania. i might also take myself more seriously, because at this point in my life, i'm only eating lunch most of the days of the week, and i rarely drink water/liquids, and i wake up somewhat earlier than the rest of my family. thinking about how i'm going to do this, i might have to lose some of my online "friends" (quotations because i'm not sure anymore), but i practically died on discord. i didn't want to, but real life called, and i'm contemplating what would have happened if i still could use discord. as i type this, i wonder what could have been if i didn't die on discord, if i, i don't know, didn't leave. now, i didn't leave, technically, but i feel like there's a part of me that's missing, and the part that has an open gap in it is sucking out all the interest that i ever had in any subject that i liked doing, like drawing, or learning hiragana and katakana. and now, i feel like i don't even know myself anymore. i'm practically losing myself when i wake up everyday, waiting for the inevitable end of my online life. someday, and i don't know when, i'm going to lose interest in everything that i found fun, that i found, interesting. and after a few years, i'll be signing papers in some rundown office building, with each phase of my life slowly passing by, mocking me for "what could have been."
now this post sounds more like a sad life story than what i've done to better myself.
I've actually contemplated this myself for a while, and I genuinely feel for you. I know that, as a 13-year-old myself, it's hard to come to terms with a future devoid of meaning, devoid of interest, and devoid of hope. I have always had a false sense of security concerning adulthood; I had people reassuring me that I could still pick up hobbies and that I didn't have to let my childhood die. But it's hard for me to imagine finding any time for anything else when I stopped to picture it. This overall gave me a bleak point of view until about a week ago.
I was getting a haircut over the winter break when the stylist paused to say hi to one of her co-worker's sons. When she returned to me, she told me: "What a spoiled kid. That's not always a bad thing, though. He'll only get one childhood, so a little bit of spoiling is okay." That really opened my eyes as to how fortunate of a time adolescence and young adulthood is. We have the freedoms to explore interests, learn new things, and not have to worry so much. That's why, as something I want to do to better myself, I want to take more risks. I want to live more of my young life involved and active. Who knows, maybe one of my interests will carry me through my life.
