What I was doing 3 years ago.keremaru wrote:
well actually, this is a bit less of what i've done to better myself, and more of a realization of what it is i'm doing that should be fixed sooner or later.
so because i like to play online games a bunch (play pokemon mmos, not the shitty ones, and osu), i started to notice that my grades aren't really looking up for the best right now. and at home, i'm starting to lack on my chores, which is supposed to help me "build up responsibility".
i always disregarded what my mom said about "you're going to have to take care of yourself when you grow up" and thought that if i could get good enough at competitive esport games that i could join a team, i'd do it, but i realize that there has to be some sort of a stepping stone for me to achieve that goal. and now that i'm not really focused on trying to play games like league of legends or rocket league, i'm a bit more skeptical to how my future is going to paint itself out. because i'm only 14 years old, i still don't have a good grasp on how my life is going to be in 4 years, or when i graduate. more like "if", at this point.
so i might start playing less games (10 hours or more per day as of right now), and focus more on my education rather than how i'm going to figure out how i would do 6k muscle memories on osu!mania. i might also take myself more seriously, because at this point in my life, i'm only eating lunch most of the days of the week, and i rarely drink water/liquids, and i wake up somewhat earlier than the rest of my family. thinking about how i'm going to do this, i might have to lose some of my online "friends" (quotations because i'm not sure anymore), but i practically died on discord. i didn't want to, but real life called, and i'm contemplating what would have happened if i still could use discord. as i type this, i wonder what could have been if i didn't die on discord, if i, i don't know, didn't leave. now, i didn't leave, technically, but i feel like there's a part of me that's missing, and the part that has an open gap in it is sucking out all the interest that i ever had in any subject that i liked doing, like drawing, or learning hiragana and katakana. and now, i feel like i don't even know myself anymore. i'm practically losing myself when i wake up everyday, waiting for the inevitable end of my online life. someday, and i don't know when, i'm going to lose interest in everything that i found fun, that i found, interesting. and after a few years, i'll be signing papers in some rundown office building, with each phase of my life slowly passing by, mocking me for "what could have been."
now this post sounds more like a sad life story than what i've done to better myself.
I posted this in my freshman year of high school.
It's my senior year.
When I made this post, I had no idea what I was going to spiral into in the future. I figured that I would probably just live a quiet life, get a job when I was sixteen, and just live life normally.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
It's been three years since that post, and lots of things have happened. I had a pseudo-girlfriend (pseudo because she was manipulative and avoidant in retrospect), I got to go back home, Hawaii, a few times annually, but the biggest thing I had to come face-to-face with was my mental instability. At least a year after that post, I admitted at school that I was having suicidal thoughts and actions, and straight up confessed that I wanted to end my life. This was the shallow sand of what would eventually flood into an abyss, and I was at the forefront of that situation. I didn't know what to expect, what to do, and most importantly, how I would recover. I had several years of self-imposed guilt, a lack of feeling for anything that I genuinely wanted to care for, and I just didn't feel like my life was worth living through. Worst of all, the advice that I gave people to get through their traumas just didn't work for me because of contradictive anxiety. Any and every tactic that I employed for others and reserved in my planning binder just utterly failed when faced up against me and my self-loathing brain. When I told myself that everything was okay, I knew it wasn't. When I told myself to breathe, I started hyperventilating and panicking, because those were tactics that I used with people that I knew those tactics would work on. But I never bothered to think of myself, because I was always so busy and worried about caring for others. That's the problem with supports; you either need one super good support main, or you need two to reciprocate off of each other and help the team. I was in both situations at the same time. I was supporting everyone that I knew in the best way that I knew how, but I didn't learn how to heal myself; and ultimately, my tactics were nothing more than false teachings that I built off of a foundation of hope; that my comfort would be able to heal my friends to the point that what I comforted them with would inevitably heal me.
It wasn't.
I've gone to two different psych wards in the course of that period of time. To this day, I take medication to make sure that I never go back into that pit again, but I also have to stay on top of my school priorities, like I used to back in freshman year. It's nothing much, nowadays, but it can definitely stockpile.
For osu!, I don't play for performance points. I never really felt like I did. I typically only play, and ever played, for recognition. It wasn't really possible in osu!standard or osu!mania, because everyone and their grandma plays those, but I felt it was easier in the other two; osu!taiko and osu!catch. Catch especially, because literally nobody touches it as a gamemode. FCs, leaderboards, the amount of plays I'd have to achieve in order to really make it onto those leaderboards. It kind of surprises me how I haven't gotten the Jack of All Trades achievement yet. Gotta bump those taiko plays up.
TL;DR, the past 3 years have had their ups and downs. From suicidal thoughts, to getting jebaited by a girl who led me on for almost 2 years, I don't feel like my story would ever be complete this early on. This isn't a comparison or a flex of any kind to how hard my life is compared to yours. I can never imagine, replicate nor top what anyone has to go through. But I can share my personal story and hope that it grounds my life. Until the next time that I post here.
ケレ♡