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45Traeath
Father's expecting me to withdraw cash.
And I'm trying to answer this thing.

Carmlillball wrote:

[...]
I don't know about "therapy", but I have yet to talk about this to a "psychologist"...?
EDIT: I don't know about the appropriate person, I did talk to a psychologist (if I'm not wrong on the profession), but only about my bad childhood (maybe the maniac side as well, but I wouldn't remember, I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).

It's fine.


To be fair, that "cold rate" estimation was based only on whether I act with exactly their standards, which to me seem like "visual tidiness".
When I read this "cleaning room and oneself", it feels like the same to me albeit in a different "perspective and method", but the resulting "avoiding self-consciousness" feels also like the same.

My family does care about organization and cleaning. It's best to have something simple, that's what I'm understanding from their general behavior. It's just that I don't have the same perception of how long we can feel safe without repeating the cleaning process that often (realization). They also noticed how I just clean my hands too often (forgot about that part, thinking it was later), so they've taken the hint, and in counterpart, I've limited the usage as much as I could, now just focusing on keeping my belongings safe.

You might be right about the "guessing" thing.
(Consideration in progress...)
Being unable to throw my life away before my "germ awareness", I just thought of getting a diploma, and in the process, find a motivation, a career to aim for.
*Time of "back-and-forth cold" while still going to high school incoming in the middle of the 4 years; awareness follows.*
That didn't happen. But I've met people I could share my time with (although I haven't talked about any of the problems at all), which made the decision even harder to make come true.
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
Problem is. Half of the things I spoke during those times of work were true. The other half being again, to hide my death wish; to be blunt, for now, I'm just doing whatever seems necessary to my ends. I wouldn't say I didn't like those activities, but I tried to be as close as distant, drawing a line between "enjoying myself and feeling at home". Those studies about "good mood at work influencing personal life" might be true... Although I'm just saying that out of memory; I might be wrong about the topic of the thing.

They are aware of our human limits, it's me "not catching up" according to their teaching schedule to make me an actual part of their team...
Having that in mind is a burden to me, huh... Then the blunder from that day intensified it... Ugh *Keep on reading*
...
I don't know... *Reads again*
...
I did try to move on... *Reads again*
...
I know what happened, the "boss" even pointed it out, "being a dork is fine, but only to a certain degree" and I feel like I went too far; like, beyond the possibility of being left a chance to apologize more than I should and just walk out of the company (emphasis on that, I'm forcing too much blame on myself). I don't know what hint I should find and take...
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
If it wasn't for that third strike, I think I would have felt relieved after talking to the doc', then telling to the "boss" about what happened. But now the whole place, the whole project, the whole picture, the whole next level in my brain is on fire.
Maybe I'll learn things out of the three meetings (doc', bank counselor, "true boss"), but freakin' anxiety...
One thing is I can't die, refering to message's first two lines.

Um... Oh...
"Calm"... I lost that, huh...
I should mention another factor, being the presence of "boss" when I'm metting "true boss". Um...
*Blank*
Oof... Negativity strikes aga--

*YouTube notification*
Oh, good, something to distract me.

*Clearer mind (maybe)*
Also.
It's alright, that might have looked like buying time even instinctively, but at least I could actually go all out and have a better consideration/thinking time.
Don't know about the organisation of the text though, but meh.
There's no "healing" the past, I know. Maybe less pain, although slightly, if I ever come to "go out" for real.
Although that (reduced pain) will only be on my side, I guess.
Just, I'm not dead yet. Alright.
If I'm dying, that will be under the heavy weight in mind of what I retained from the meetings and their consequences, happening either a bit later than the next week ("fruitless time, no hint taken") or much later.



EDIT2: Laughter is a good medicine.
Carmlillball
Hi there again, mate!
I should probably steal your idea and use a box!
I've tried to cut my rambling down to a minimum. My lengthy comments of nothingness are probably annoying.

45Traeath wrote:

I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
If you are planning to see her again, it's best to be fully honest. It's very much worth it!


45Traeath wrote:

But I've met people I could share my time with

45Traeath wrote:

I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
I wonder, do you sort of store the good things that go on? Such as, a positivity jar?


45Traeath wrote:

I'm forcing too much blame on myself
Easier said than done, but I'd suggest to not do that. It's not helpful.


45Traeath wrote:

I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
It seems as though the people are trying to understand you and hopefully help. All I can really suggest is to be honest. In my personal experience, lying hasn't gotten me anywhere.


Trying to understand much else was pretty difficult. Maybe it's because I'm tired; maybe it's because this is just a confusing situation for me.

Good luck with everything; I hope it all goes well for you!




Status: Today has been great! Started like trash, but it kept getting better while I was in college. The lesson was good, then I've tried to play badminton again and it was really fun! I think I've done surprisingly well at it, especially considering the lack of sleep I keep getting lately. Having a peaceful night. Should probably try to sleep at 11 instead of 12.
45Traeath

Carmlillball wrote:

[...]
[Box, regarding the "conversation"]

- Taken into account.

- I never thought there were even other kinds of jar. The only one I know being the one for each time someone swears.
If anything, there are times when I just go back and look at the text messages/conversations on the phone I had with one of said friends.
Loads of "memeful" talk, with some traces of our former life at school, but the "memeful" talk wins because laughter is a good medecine.

- We both get it.

- I was more counting on hiding than lying, now that I think about the differences. Even though lying to hide something is more of a common thing, if we're talking steps/order.

- About that, it seems to be going good. I think I can live through the upcoming conversation, after having one with my boss about what happened at the doctor's. I got some words of advice from both of them. (Short version of the Status Update.)



2nd update (short version): I'm getting over it. Feeling so stupid for going too fast and straight to conclusions.

Listening to an Onsen (Internet station) radio show.
Hyerim
I need a full body massage
Carmlillball
Box for a single sentence.

Good that everything went well. :)


I'm definitely on core maths now and spending time changing my study timetable! I'm very optimistic for the future!
Just because I'm not doing A level maths right now doesn't mean I can't ever do it. This fact helped a lot when I was told it and I'm thankful I've been told this.
There's no point in feeling bad about myself. I'm able, but not with all these other socialising changes going on and stuff. My entire self is changing quickly. This doesn't make me incapable or worthless, this makes me stressed.
Now I got that down for future reference, I should probably continue with my timetable.
Puzzle

Carmlillball wrote:

Box for a single sentence.

Good that everything went well. :)


I'm definitely on core maths now and spending time changing my study timetable! I'm very optimistic for the future!
Just because I'm not doing A level maths right now doesn't mean I can't ever do it. This fact helped a lot when I was told it and I'm thankful I've been told this.
There's no point in feeling bad about myself. I'm able, but not with all these other socialising changes going on and stuff. My entire self is changing quickly. This doesn't make me incapable or worthless, this makes me stressed.
Now I got that down for future reference, I should probably continue with my timetable.
Things seem to be a lot different for you than last I was here, it's good to see

Status: I'm dropping in and lurking on threads just for funsies.
Tad Fibonacci
Oh hey there Puzzle. Long time no see.
I've missed you.

Status: Just got back home after having some barbecues with my HS friends.
Puzzle
Hi Tad I still love you, loveable frog-man

That is my status. I am a frog-lover.
Zelzatter Zero
Just roaming around the OT to see if there's something interesting going on here.
45Traeath
Now mourning.

n.k.'s YT channel got hacked and suspended afterwards.

Sy-s-te,ma,ti,c-Or-che-s-t-ra~.

(Seriously, though, I hope those bad people get fxxked [in any meaning] in return.)
Puzzle
Status:

Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
eblf2013
I have just had the most dissapointing cup of "coffee" ever.
Tastes like nothing.
Tad Fibonacci

Puzzle wrote:

Status:

Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
I get that.
Though I've only been on the forums for a year.
There are so many that came and went.
It's hard to not feel sad.
Carmlillball
Status: Suffering from my throat feeling tight, blocked and painful every time I eat. Been like this for a few days. I've never had this before. I've always had tickly coughs or blockages which don't feel the same as what I'm currently suffering. Nothing helps at all. Even searched online because I'm desperate to know what's going on and I can't find anything which causes this specifically. Guess I'm kinda grateful I can't self diagnose.

Feels good. /s
Puzzle

Tad Fibonacci wrote:

Puzzle wrote:

Status:

Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
I get that.
Though I've only been on the forums for a year.
There are so many that came and went.
It's hard to not feel sad.
yeah, IKR?



Carmlillball wrote:

Status: Suffering from my throat feeling tight, blocked and painful every time I eat. Been like this for a few days. I've never had this before. I've always had tickly coughs or blockages which don't feel the same as what I'm currently suffering. Nothing helps at all. Even searched online because I'm desperate to know what's going on and I can't find anything which causes this specifically. Guess I'm kinda grateful I can't self diagnose.

Feels good. /s
You can't make it to a doctor?

Status: Weekend went by too fast. It's my birthday tomorrow at least
Hyerim
AWOL

Downloading beatmaps :)
a1l2d3r4e5d6

Puzzle wrote:

Status:

Wondering if people I used to chat with still hang out here. There's a few people I miss. Nostalgia.
There's a name I haven't seen in a while. o:

Status: Can't look at this forum anymore without thinking about reopening a gfx thread for the millionth time in a row, apparently.
Zelzatter Zero
status: torturing myself with mapping.
[ Erika ]
Status: Finally added my own std diff in https://osu.ppy.sh/beatmapsets/447151#osu/2304990 after 3 years :O
samX500
Status: I am having a hard time trying to figure out how transposition affects the frequencies of the notes played.
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