INTERLUDE EDITION

Granger wrote:

Take a shit and think about your life, how much of a scum you are that you attempted to rape another girl.

"Cis scum!" A villager calls you as you head outside.

"..."Not entirely sure why you're being called that considering you got counter raped, but you ignore the fat lady as you—

"Boo hoo, my little Corin can't be this pathetic." Your dad shows up from out of nowhere, crying as he rips open shirts with his massive shoulders.

"..."

"Oh, h-hello Cornelius, how are y-you?" Miss Cross greets you in this fine morning.

"...You're not mad?" You ask.

"W-well, I did defile you instead."

"This wasn't the first time, was it?" You squint your eyes.

"..."

"..."

You try walking ahead—

"W-Wait!"

"U wot m8" your inner Brit starts showing.

"I-It's fine, it's not like I can be charged for anything."

"Huh ?"

"G-G-Girls can't rape"

"... Bullshit." You start wondering if sex change has been invented yet. You wouldn't be surprised if there was some wizard that already figured that out, though.

"I-It's true!"

"Well then, if you'll excuse me, I still have to think about what I'll waste my time on today."

"Okay... See you around."


And that's how you made your first friend in this odd land

By trying to impregnate them.

Go to the capital, screw all the side missions for later obv

go get some work

Belltwoer

You march to the outskirts of the settlement where a decrepit bell tower stands over a small hill. Despite the morning sun shining brilliantly over it, the tower itself seems to emit an ominous aura of its own. Or it could just be the shade it's casting over you.

There's little to say about this structure, though you could guess from the surrounding ruins that it used to be part of a steeple or church. It stands about five stories tall, made of scorched stone bricks, and has all of its windows boarded up. At the top you make out a canopy with a bell on it, and on top of that, a gargoyle holding a ball in one hand, and a cross in the other.

You check your equipment before you enter, making sure you have everything you need to kill a vampire:

Sword.

Check.

You walk inside stark naked, wielding only your sword to fend off enemy attacks.

"'OY, IT'S NINE PAST BONG, ANYBODY 'OME?!" You shout at the darkness as you step inside. Then you realize it's dark as fuck.

...

You go outside and circle the tower, tearing down all of the boards on the windows you can reach and then go back inside.

With the morning sun peering directly through the windows, you carefully study the first floor. Wooden floors and circling stairs. Nothing else except that, some broken furniture, and a lot of dust.

You walk to the top of the bell tower, ring the bell, then walk back down.

Nothing happened.

Nothing except the towering hulking mass of muscles dressed in fabulous clothing standing over the only way out of the belltower. That's new.

"Who are you?!"

"Me? I am a vampire, I am—"

A muscular hunk breaks out from below the floorboards, revealing an expansive basement below. The two face each other epicly as giant, poorly written onomatopoeia floats around the air.

"DIO!"

"JOJO!"

You turn around to find that there's a chubby Filipino man right behind you with a cool hat pointing at the vampire.

"HOW MANY SHITPOSTS DID YOU MAKE TO HEAL THOSE WOUNDS?" The Filipino bellows.

DIO puts his finger to his lip before answering: "How many threads have you locked?"

"...!" The Filipino grunts as he takes the answer with complete and utter disbelief.

The man named JOJO charges at the vampire, who stands still as JOJO swings his fist at him. DIO begins laughing.

"Weakling! Weakling!"

DIO freezes JOJO's arm solid in a gay-ass tactic of being overpowered.


...

"Excuse me." You say.

"Hm? Who is this man?" The Filipino asks.

"I... Have... No idea..." JOJO answers while struggling with his completely frozen arm.

"...Doesn't sunlight kill vampires?"

"NAH KNEE?!" DIO looks over to his left, where the sunlight meets his eyes.

...

DIO begins melting away like wax under a candle. Just a lot faster.

"MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA Mu......"

"WHOOOOOOOAAAAA" The two strangers begin shouting at your prowess for defeating the vampire.

"wot"

"HE TOOK DOWN THE BOARDS!"

"W-Well yeah I-I gueeess?!"

The two men lift you up and start cheering, but then they stop because you're naked.


You go back into the village, having apparently exhausted your only worthwhile quest.

It's now noon, you have no idea what was all that about, but the two men gave you some nice clothes to wear as thanks for putting down a thousand year-old evil or something. Some people around the village started acting a bit nicer, though the fat lady from before still calls you cis scum.

...

Well you're not a fucking NEET, you might as well do something.

[] Go to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Go the lord's estate, get some work
[] Call it a day
[] Take a shit on the gargoyle at the bell tower

take a shit

do you think i'll get arrested?

[X] Go the lord's estate, get some work

The capital

Stop being poor and make money.

Lord's state

The shit

take a shit

Tie between shit and work—I'll wait for a tiebreaker

Take a shit, yo

You begin hauling ass to the belltower. Strutting back up the same road you took this morning, you go all the way up to the top of the tower. From there, you hop on the ledge, not minding the 5-story fall. You jump and grab on to the roof tiling from above, using your high Agility to climb up, viciously grappling at the ornamentation up top to secure your rise.

Lifting yourself up, you lock your foot on top of the railing and grab on to the stone gargoyle's arms for support.

From there, you stand over the highest point in the area—you can see the entire village: you spot the inn, the marketplace, and a huge manor further in the village which you suppose is the local lord's estate. You can see the main road and the dirt path you took, sprawled across the dry green plains like a coil of rope.

"Ah, shite."

Then you realize you haven't taken a shit in days.

...

You decide to shit on the gargoyle's dick.

With your business done, you carefully climb back down and on to the safety of the bell tower.

You walk down the flight of steps down the tower, carefully circling around the hole left by JOJO from before. Then you step outside and march back down to the villa—

"GROOOOAGH"

"Wot in the Queen's teeth—" you turn around and notice the gargoyle flying over the bell tower, pissed off as fuck.

Well, you suppose anybody would be angry if they got shat on.

The stone demon fashions a sword out of the cross and a shield out of the ball as it begins it's descent towards you.

Oh shit, what do

[] Summon Knight Solaire
[] Summon Mod Color
[] Fight it alone, git gud
[] Run away

[x]Summon Mod Color

:*)

Mod Color FTW!

Mods pls.

You touch the summon sign and a phantom materializes right before you! A Frenchman appears and stabs you in the chest.

"Wot..." You drop to your knees as the blood loss starts affecting the few brain cells you have.

"That's what you get for shitposting in Uff Topia!" The faggot mod begins laughing heartily before the gargoyle swoops down and chops his head off.

You black out as the stone statue begins shitting gravel on you.


[] Reload from last checkpoint
[] Reload from last choice
[] Respawn at the last inn rested at the cost of your humanity
[] Save and quit

I don't see we've saved before.

Sooo... Save and quit.

Who needs humanity anyways? Respawn at the inn.

Fuck off, save & quit.

You begrudgingly save your progress on a random save slot and turn off the game console.

"Had fun mate?" The innkeeper asks.

"This is the worst invention ever, nobody would like or profit from this unless they were Jewish." You voice your opinion as clear as the blue sky.

"Wot's so bad about it?"

"Artificial difficulty."

You walk out the inn, pissed off. It's a few hours past noon, and you realize you haven't done anything of particular value this noon because of that retcon.

So what do

[] Go to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night
[] Go around the village, challenge the two men from earlier to a fight

[x] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night

harass the young girl

I miss her already

I miss her too, harass the little cute girl

go around and challenge the two men from earlier

Could we just go to the capital already?

Go to the capital.

Talk to the girl.

harass the girl

"Cis scum!" A fat lady sweeping her porch cries as you drag your feet around the village's stone path.

"Sod off!" You shout at the woman.

"Power to the oppressed!"

Realizing it's pointless, you go back on your usual day of not really doing anything of particular importance. Though now that you think about it, it wouldn't be too bad to clear your name as a sex offender. While you did try to rape someone, you got raped instead so it should even out. Hell, you should be compensated for this!

"Yeah..." You mutter out loud. "Where the bluddy 'ell is that Cross girl?"

You look around... Aha!


That was pretty easy.

"Oi, Cross!"

"Eh?" The girl wobbles about with the jar on her head as you run up to her. "Oh, it's you!"

"You're bloody damn right it's me."

"Corin!"

"Yes. Wait, no."

"No?"

"Wot did you just call me?"

"Corin?"

"Don't call me that."

"What's wrong with Corin?" The girl asks you innocently.

"That's the worst name I've ever heard! I'd rather use a name contaminated with underscores and crosses!"

"...But Cornelius is such a mouthful..." Miss Cross looks down.

"I'll give you a bloody mouth...ful..." You turn to the fat lady from before, sternly watching you from the safety of her porch.

...

"Just pay for my lunch; you raped me"


A water jug and some minutes later, you're sitting at a pub with the loco bitcho. You're actually surprised there's a fully-stocked pub out here, but then yet again the place has hardly any business.

You don't really care though because you're eating.

"..."

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM"

Though you should probably do something for the lady sitting awkwardly in front of you. You gulp down your food.

"...Not gonna eat?"

"..."

"Slurped enough semen for the day, that it?"

"W-What are you insinuating!?" The girl loses her composure, shouting as her face turns beet red.

"Haha, just a Brit joke 's all." You wave it off as you take a bite from some chicken leg. "So why're you so wound up?"

"Huh? W-Well, I have work to get back to soon."

"Oh." You ponder for a moment. " 'S all good missy, this won't take long. Even then, I'd have ta ask myself why is a girl like you working in the first place."

"Huh?"

"Why, you're so loaded in pocket and buttock that you wouldn't need to work a day in your life!"

"...Huh?"

"You're a noblewoman."

"W-Wha—" The Cross girl freezes before continuing with just more stuttering. "W-W-What are you talking about? I t-t-told you I'm not a-a—"

"Right, right." You decide to ignore her clear eyes and hair and just focus on spending your lunchtime with a fine lady.


On your way out of the pub, the two of you part ways.

"I'll see you later then, Corin."

"For fuck's sake."

"Oh, and feel free to call me Blanca!" The girl runs away at a brisk pace while saying these words.

"...I'll call you bitch next time."


[] Call it a day, head to the inn
[] Head to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Spend some time with your horse, Wallace
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work

Wallace is smarter than you, ask him for relationship tips.

Can Wallace be as clever as Jolly Jumper already
Spend some time with him then.

go to the lord's estate and get some work

Ask Wallace for relationship tips

you wrote:

loco bitcho

god almighty

You make you way back to the inn, where your horse is quietly minding his own business.

"Hey Wallace, what're you up to?"

Wallace flaps his lips in response.

"Aw come on mate, don't be like that." You run your fingers through Wallace's blond mane.

Wallace turns his head up and looks away, ignoring you.

"Awright, I see how it is." You pull out a carrot from your satchel. Wallace's beady eyes flare up as you pull out the bright orange foodstuff. Before you can even react, he lunges his mouth at the carrot, swallowing it whole.

"OMPHNOMPHNOM."

"I knew you were a hungry whore but this is ridiculous." You comment as he gulps down the phallic vegetable.

"Shut up! You left me here to starve!" A refined voice comes from your horse's mouth, it almost reminds you of Batman's classy butler—you would know his name if Batman had been conceived in this time period.

"Naw I didn't! I told the innkeeper ta keep you safe and fed!"

"Bollocks! That man has been smoking out of his bong all day."

"He has a bong?"

"...Why are you here? Do you want to go to the capital? This place is rather odd if I do say so myself."

"No, that's not it."

"Did you kill someone?"

"No!"

"Then what is it you buffoon."

"What, can't a man spend some time with his horse?"

"I always knew you were a sexual deviant, but to stoop down to animals..." Wallace takes a few steps away from you.

"Touche faggot."

"I try."

You drop a sack of carrots for Wallace, then pat him on the back as he starts practically inhaling the bag's contents. Then you remember something.

"Oh right, I did meet a pretty little miss last night."

"Mmph? Oh, how did you manage that?"

"Tried to stick my dong in her, she raped me instead."

At this, Wallace stops devouring the phallic vegetables and turns to face you seriously.

"El loco bitcho?"

"The locoest."

"Good God, this whole town is doomed."

"I don't think so, she only attacked me when we first met. Otherwise she's pretty much a puppy with tits."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...So? What should I do?"

"Huh? I don't know. I'm just a horse. You could just get some info on the girl, but I'd tell you to get the hell out of this village... Then yet again you only listen to the odd bunch of voices in your head."

"Huh? What voices?"

"Never mind."

Wallace goes back to munching carrots, leaving you at a loss for words.


"Hm..."

You turn your back to your horse and hope nobody just noticed you talking to a horse for ten minutes.


It's almost sundown, what do

[] Go to the capital, this village is fucked up
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Go to the marketplace, wander around
[] Call it a day, chill at the inn

Go to the marketplace, realize that you have no money and then go to the lord's estate.

go to the capital

I'll say the capital, because I have a bad feeling about the inn, and the other two aren't too appealing.

Goddamn village, go to the capital, you wasted too much time !

"Hey Wallace, let's head to the capital!", you declare.

"Huh? Why?"

"Wot do you mean why? You just told me to!"

"But it's almost sundown you dolt."

"Oh yeah."

You give him a carrot and head towards the marketplace to secure any provisions you might need. You waste little time getting back to the inn. Wallace catches you as you haul your supplies back.

"Where'd you get all that?"

"Marketplace"

"How much money did your family leave you?!"

"Not too much; I didn't have ta pay for this though."

"Why not?"

"Owners weren't looking hard enough."

"..."

With that, you heard inside to spend the night.


"Heading to the capital from here will take three days, Wallace" you say as the two of ride ride out the village's limits.

"...I can see... You prepared...." Wallace is not only holding you up, but as well as your huge load

Of supplies.

It only took the two of you a few hours to reach the main road. Following it, you spend two days and nights there before encountering a highwayman on the third day.

"Stand and deliver!"

A faggot wearing nothing but a mask, a hat, and a cape appears, waving a sword around like it's none of his business.

What do?

[] Pay him off
[] Stab him
[] Ignore him
[] Strike up a conversation with him

5th option: Duel

Let us share some tips about the fine art of rape.

edit: watch out for the choice edit below ahahah

Let's just ignore him

stab this mo'fo

Masturbate

Sonatora wrote:

Masturbate

#buttblasted


"Stand and deliver!" The highwayman begins helicoptering his dick while waving a rapier at you.

"What should we do, Cornelius?" Wallace takes a step back, anticipating your decision.

"Then I shall stand!" You drop down from your self-aware horse and stand on the plain road. "You! What is your name?"

"S...Stan." The highwayman blurts out, ceasing his indecent helicoptering.

"Full name, bruv."

"...Ann Delver."

"Hm, Stan Ann Delver..." You furrow your brow.

"Uhm, Cornelius?" Wallace whispers into your ear "You do know that—"

"Yes, yes I know!"

You walk up to the highwayman, who shrinks back at your sudden approach. Then, you extend your hand at him.

"Pleased to meet ya Stan! Hope my manners don't botha you!"

"For Pete's sake."

Wallace walks off to look at some scenery while you and Stan have a conversation consisting of you saying things and him just saying variations of stand and deliver. A little while later the two of you consummate your bond by killing merchants and sword fighting. Without your swords.

Your business and a new friend done, Wallace and you head back to your original task.


In a little time, you start venturing out of the plains and into towering plateaus and stifling valleys. As you cross the winding roads and the sunlight gives out, you spot the capital, towering over an immense plateau. Beautiful white walls mark the city's limits, and monumental structures behind them poke out into the sky with countless ornaments and figures. The entire city is painted a bright red as you climb up the main road, greeting passing merchants and travelers.

By the time you reach the gates and the local inn, night has fallen over the city.

You let Wallace do his thing and check inside.

"Evening mate, I'd like ta book a roo—?!"

"Hm, wot happ'ned, guv?" The innkeeper looks at you befuddled.

"OI, YOU LOOK JUST BLOODY LIKE THE INNKEEPER FROM THE VILLAGE DOWN SOUTH!"

"Oh, 'im? He's my brother. We have lots of brothers; our parents were rabbitkin or something."

"Did you all become innkeepers or something?"

"Most of us; oldest brother became a lord after slaying a dragon. Bought us all inns because there wasn't anything else ta give us."

"O-Oh."


Anyway, you book a night at the inn.

The night's still young though; you might be able to do something before heading to bed.

[] Call it a night
[] Head to the pub, gather some info
[] Rape a cute girl
[] Shit on your bed

[x] Shit on your bed

Call it a night. (yeah, again.)

Raping a cute girl always sound tempting, but I have to go with "Head to the pub".

head to the pub

shit on your bed.

Anything that involves penis

Oh yeah I forgot about this because choices were tied. Rolling a die, then


You quickly take off your clothes, lock the door, and then start squatting on your bed. You place your hands on the back of your head and begin flexing your legs.

Using a completely Ahmeriekhan accent, you grunt as you drop down, saying "GLOOTS." Every time you rise, you complete it with "FOR SLOOTS." Continuing with this silly ritual, you slowly start feeling the burn building up in your legs. It feels satisfying.

That is, until your loins start burning too.

"UGH!" You're caught in the middle of a crouching stance when you realize you haven't taken a dump in the last three days. "Uh... Uh... Shit"

The explosive diarrhea blasts out from your pale ass, staining the bed with pestilence and disease-ridden feces. Your butt cheeks slap together, causing a cacophony of epic proportions, smashing windows in a two mile radius. Your body begins succumbing to your ass's reverberations as your legs give out completely.

You clench your teeth, tears streaming down your face from the burning torrent escaping your bowels. You can only endure the pain and press on.

You close your eyes, falling into a deep sleep among the white noise caused by your clapping buttcheeks.


...

"WHAT THE FUCK" a maid cries out from the second floor as she finds your masterpiece.

Luckily you're already serenely skedaddling like a Speedwagon before anybody noticed a thing. With that mess though, you don't think you can go back to that inn today. You might need to find another place to stay before returning.

Wallace shoots a look of disapproval at you before you disappear into the city.


Well, brand new day, what now

[] Go to the adventurer's guild, get some work
[] Go to the pub, get some info on the place
[] Go to the inn, chill out with Wallace
[] Go to the library, rub books together until you remember how to use one

rape a cute girl

Go to the adventurer's guild, get some work !

I don't think I'll unsee that.

I'll go to a library, because I can't read

Go to the pub to ask about places to spend the night at.

I can't believe you wrote this stuff >__>

Anyway, go to the inn.

tied again ?_?

libraryyyy

inn

out

I do believe Corin was first, therefore your post is just as unnecessary as this one, Sonatora.

Rolling

Not entirely sure why, you decide to head to a library. You make sure you have all of your equipment and head through the capital's main streets.

Uff-Topia is known to be a a country of passage—an intersection amongst the many nations of the world—thus it has collected influences from all over the world. One of its most prominent symbols is the Public Archive, a facility built and organized by the Royal Family and the land's many lords during its golden age. The cantankerous library offers literally countless volumes of stories, essays, studies, catalogs, and encyclopedias to the public. Thanks to that, the capital is always filled with enriched and educated folk even in these dark times. Unfortunately, the place hasn't seen much use lately.

But you wouldn't know that, being a foreigner and a brute Brit at that.

"By the Queen's teeth!" You suddenly stand in front of an overwhelming structure towering over the surrounding buildings.

Washed out beige bricks stack endlessly upon each other to make a massive tower stretching up some ten stories or so. The tower tapers into a tip at the top, covering itself with dark tiling and incredibly beautiful ornamentation featuring angels and muses. A mere staircase stands between you and some large wooden doors leading inside. Over the doors lie the words in an arc, reading "PUBLIC ARCHIVE."

"Well this seems important." You comment before stepping inside.

You put your weight on the large door and heave it open.

"Welcome!" for lack of better words, a welcoming voice comes out from the dark interior.

"Hullo, is sumwon theyah?" You throw in some accent to compensate for your confusion.

...

No response.

"Hm wot could that have been?" You consider walking inside, but the darkness is thick and there no windows around here for you to smash for more ligh—

FWOOOOSH

The sound of fire dominates the room, lighting up from above all the way to you. Light begins flowing down like a stream of water, illuminating one gigantic spiral of stairs after another, almost resembling pillars. The walls are riddled with bookcases that extend along the entire area of the tower. Papers are sprawled all over the floor, and webs decorate the ornaments littered about the interior.

From the looks of it, there hasn't been anyone here in a long time.

Then a voice calls out right next to you.

"Welcome to the Public Archive!"

"WOT THE—Oh."


"My name is Ban Cho! If you have any questions, please let me know!"

"...What is this place?"

"The Public Archive!"

"..."

"...It's a library; we keep books here." Ban Cho hands you a couple of booklets about the library to you.

"How... do I use these?" you begin rubbing the booklets together.

"..." Ban Cho's courteous smile disappears, leaving only an expression of frustration. "First person to walk in here in six years and he's illiterate, great." She sits down next to the front desk and pulls out a cigarette from her uniform.

"Wait, I remember now! I used to do this with my sister before I did her!" Your eyes lock on to the scribblings on the pamphlets and begin making out coherent sentences in your head.

Boring sentences.

"..." Ban Cho looks at you with the same expression as before. "So, what, you came in here without knowing what you were getting into?"

"Well, I'm looking for something."

"What is it?"

[] "Job opportunities"
[] "I want to level up my INT stat"
[] "Comic books about little girls playing with octopi"
[] "Your Private Archive, if you know what I mean"

Int stat sure seems usefull, but thats boring so you go full japanese and ask for loli-tentacleporn.

Not really sure what the hell you asked for, you roll up to the second floor and walk down to the other end of the tower where you find bookcases chock-full of children's comic books. Some rows are jammed to the brim with large yet thin comic book issues while other rows have small but thick books. The first thing to catch your eye is a book with a pink cover on it reading "Magnificent Magical Girl Chronicles" or some shit.

You open the book curiously and an automated voice shrieks from it:

"KYAAAA!!! MITENAIDE KUDASAI ONIICHINCHINCHAN!"

"What the bloody 'ell..." You flip through the pages, being bombarded by neat and attractive illustrations of a neat and attractive elementary schooler going through a neat and attractive daily life while occasionally tripping over and revealing her neat and attractive underwear.

...

You keep reading.

"M-M-Maybe I-I should meet m-my motor disorder-riddled friend, D-Doctor Octopus!", the book reads out the little girl's lines as you read them.

"EY DAWG WASSUP" a black octopus shows up out of nowhere and starts flopping his tentacles sporadically.

"O-Oh hey Doctor—HYAAAH WHERE ARE YOU TRYING TO TOUCH ME?!"

"I CAN'T HELP IT"

"T-TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS!"

"NO"

You keep flipping the pages as more illustrations of Doctor Octopus slides his suckers through the little girl's undeveloped body.

Your pants explode as your manhood achieves a hardness rating of 10 on the Mohs scale.

[] Keep reading
[] get something else
[] go back to the inn

Well, interrest sure decayed... go to the inn

go to the inn

inn

i wanna masturbate all day

Granger wrote:

Well, interrest sure decayed... go to the inn

Yeah, I know I'm half-assing it even if I'm just pulling stuff out of my ass.

I'll put this story on hold for now for a later date. Classes begin soon for me and I need to get settled before focusing on story threads again.

Brian OA wrote:

Your pants explode as your manhood achieves a hardness rating of 10 on the Mohs scale.

Oh damn.

I'll go to the inn

so?

Not doing this during college really helps my grades.