The capital

Stop being poor and make money.

Lord's state

The shit

take a shit

Tie between shit and work—I'll wait for a tiebreaker

Take a shit, yo

You begin hauling ass to the belltower. Strutting back up the same road you took this morning, you go all the way up to the top of the tower. From there, you hop on the ledge, not minding the 5-story fall. You jump and grab on to the roof tiling from above, using your high Agility to climb up, viciously grappling at the ornamentation up top to secure your rise.

Lifting yourself up, you lock your foot on top of the railing and grab on to the stone gargoyle's arms for support.

From there, you stand over the highest point in the area—you can see the entire village: you spot the inn, the marketplace, and a huge manor further in the village which you suppose is the local lord's estate. You can see the main road and the dirt path you took, sprawled across the dry green plains like a coil of rope.

"Ah, shite."

Then you realize you haven't taken a shit in days.

...

You decide to shit on the gargoyle's dick.

With your business done, you carefully climb back down and on to the safety of the bell tower.

You walk down the flight of steps down the tower, carefully circling around the hole left by JOJO from before. Then you step outside and march back down to the villa—

"GROOOOAGH"

"Wot in the Queen's teeth—" you turn around and notice the gargoyle flying over the bell tower, pissed off as fuck.

Well, you suppose anybody would be angry if they got shat on.

The stone demon fashions a sword out of the cross and a shield out of the ball as it begins it's descent towards you.

Oh shit, what do

[] Summon Knight Solaire
[] Summon Mod Color
[] Fight it alone, git gud
[] Run away

[x]Summon Mod Color

:*)

Mod Color FTW!

Mods pls.

You touch the summon sign and a phantom materializes right before you! A Frenchman appears and stabs you in the chest.

"Wot..." You drop to your knees as the blood loss starts affecting the few brain cells you have.

"That's what you get for shitposting in Uff Topia!" The faggot mod begins laughing heartily before the gargoyle swoops down and chops his head off.

You black out as the stone statue begins shitting gravel on you.


[] Reload from last checkpoint
[] Reload from last choice
[] Respawn at the last inn rested at the cost of your humanity
[] Save and quit

I don't see we've saved before.

Sooo... Save and quit.

Who needs humanity anyways? Respawn at the inn.

Fuck off, save & quit.

You begrudgingly save your progress on a random save slot and turn off the game console.

"Had fun mate?" The innkeeper asks.

"This is the worst invention ever, nobody would like or profit from this unless they were Jewish." You voice your opinion as clear as the blue sky.

"Wot's so bad about it?"

"Artificial difficulty."

You walk out the inn, pissed off. It's a few hours past noon, and you realize you haven't done anything of particular value this noon because of that retcon.

So what do

[] Go to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night
[] Go around the village, challenge the two men from earlier to a fight

[x] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night

harass the young girl

I miss her already

I miss her too, harass the little cute girl

go around and challenge the two men from earlier

Could we just go to the capital already?

Go to the capital.

Talk to the girl.

harass the girl

"Cis scum!" A fat lady sweeping her porch cries as you drag your feet around the village's stone path.

"Sod off!" You shout at the woman.

"Power to the oppressed!"

Realizing it's pointless, you go back on your usual day of not really doing anything of particular importance. Though now that you think about it, it wouldn't be too bad to clear your name as a sex offender. While you did try to rape someone, you got raped instead so it should even out. Hell, you should be compensated for this!

"Yeah..." You mutter out loud. "Where the bluddy 'ell is that Cross girl?"

You look around... Aha!


That was pretty easy.

"Oi, Cross!"

"Eh?" The girl wobbles about with the jar on her head as you run up to her. "Oh, it's you!"

"You're bloody damn right it's me."

"Corin!"

"Yes. Wait, no."

"No?"

"Wot did you just call me?"

"Corin?"

"Don't call me that."

"What's wrong with Corin?" The girl asks you innocently.

"That's the worst name I've ever heard! I'd rather use a name contaminated with underscores and crosses!"

"...But Cornelius is such a mouthful..." Miss Cross looks down.

"I'll give you a bloody mouth...ful..." You turn to the fat lady from before, sternly watching you from the safety of her porch.

...

"Just pay for my lunch; you raped me"


A water jug and some minutes later, you're sitting at a pub with the loco bitcho. You're actually surprised there's a fully-stocked pub out here, but then yet again the place has hardly any business.

You don't really care though because you're eating.

"..."

"OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM"

Though you should probably do something for the lady sitting awkwardly in front of you. You gulp down your food.

"...Not gonna eat?"

"..."

"Slurped enough semen for the day, that it?"

"W-What are you insinuating!?" The girl loses her composure, shouting as her face turns beet red.

"Haha, just a Brit joke 's all." You wave it off as you take a bite from some chicken leg. "So why're you so wound up?"

"Huh? W-Well, I have work to get back to soon."

"Oh." You ponder for a moment. " 'S all good missy, this won't take long. Even then, I'd have ta ask myself why is a girl like you working in the first place."

"Huh?"

"Why, you're so loaded in pocket and buttock that you wouldn't need to work a day in your life!"

"...Huh?"

"You're a noblewoman."

"W-Wha—" The Cross girl freezes before continuing with just more stuttering. "W-W-What are you talking about? I t-t-told you I'm not a-a—"

"Right, right." You decide to ignore her clear eyes and hair and just focus on spending your lunchtime with a fine lady.


On your way out of the pub, the two of you part ways.

"I'll see you later then, Corin."

"For fuck's sake."

"Oh, and feel free to call me Blanca!" The girl runs away at a brisk pace while saying these words.

"...I'll call you bitch next time."


[] Call it a day, head to the inn
[] Head to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Spend some time with your horse, Wallace
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work

Wallace is smarter than you, ask him for relationship tips.

Can Wallace be as clever as Jolly Jumper already
Spend some time with him then.

go to the lord's estate and get some work

Ask Wallace for relationship tips

you wrote:

loco bitcho

god almighty

You make you way back to the inn, where your horse is quietly minding his own business.

"Hey Wallace, what're you up to?"

Wallace flaps his lips in response.

"Aw come on mate, don't be like that." You run your fingers through Wallace's blond mane.

Wallace turns his head up and looks away, ignoring you.

"Awright, I see how it is." You pull out a carrot from your satchel. Wallace's beady eyes flare up as you pull out the bright orange foodstuff. Before you can even react, he lunges his mouth at the carrot, swallowing it whole.

"OMPHNOMPHNOM."

"I knew you were a hungry whore but this is ridiculous." You comment as he gulps down the phallic vegetable.

"Shut up! You left me here to starve!" A refined voice comes from your horse's mouth, it almost reminds you of Batman's classy butler—you would know his name if Batman had been conceived in this time period.

"Naw I didn't! I told the innkeeper ta keep you safe and fed!"

"Bollocks! That man has been smoking out of his bong all day."

"He has a bong?"

"...Why are you here? Do you want to go to the capital? This place is rather odd if I do say so myself."

"No, that's not it."

"Did you kill someone?"

"No!"

"Then what is it you buffoon."

"What, can't a man spend some time with his horse?"

"I always knew you were a sexual deviant, but to stoop down to animals..." Wallace takes a few steps away from you.

"Touche faggot."

"I try."

You drop a sack of carrots for Wallace, then pat him on the back as he starts practically inhaling the bag's contents. Then you remember something.

"Oh right, I did meet a pretty little miss last night."

"Mmph? Oh, how did you manage that?"

"Tried to stick my dong in her, she raped me instead."

At this, Wallace stops devouring the phallic vegetables and turns to face you seriously.

"El loco bitcho?"

"The locoest."

"Good God, this whole town is doomed."

"I don't think so, she only attacked me when we first met. Otherwise she's pretty much a puppy with tits."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...So? What should I do?"

"Huh? I don't know. I'm just a horse. You could just get some info on the girl, but I'd tell you to get the hell out of this village... Then yet again you only listen to the odd bunch of voices in your head."

"Huh? What voices?"

"Never mind."

Wallace goes back to munching carrots, leaving you at a loss for words.


"Hm..."

You turn your back to your horse and hope nobody just noticed you talking to a horse for ten minutes.


It's almost sundown, what do

[] Go to the capital, this village is fucked up
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Go to the marketplace, wander around
[] Call it a day, chill at the inn

Go to the marketplace, realize that you have no money and then go to the lord's estate.

go to the capital

I'll say the capital, because I have a bad feeling about the inn, and the other two aren't too appealing.

Goddamn village, go to the capital, you wasted too much time !

"Hey Wallace, let's head to the capital!", you declare.

"Huh? Why?"

"Wot do you mean why? You just told me to!"

"But it's almost sundown you dolt."

"Oh yeah."

You give him a carrot and head towards the marketplace to secure any provisions you might need. You waste little time getting back to the inn. Wallace catches you as you haul your supplies back.

"Where'd you get all that?"

"Marketplace"

"How much money did your family leave you?!"

"Not too much; I didn't have ta pay for this though."

"Why not?"

"Owners weren't looking hard enough."

"..."

With that, you heard inside to spend the night.


"Heading to the capital from here will take three days, Wallace" you say as the two of ride ride out the village's limits.

"...I can see... You prepared...." Wallace is not only holding you up, but as well as your huge load

Of supplies.

It only took the two of you a few hours to reach the main road. Following it, you spend two days and nights there before encountering a highwayman on the third day.

"Stand and deliver!"

A faggot wearing nothing but a mask, a hat, and a cape appears, waving a sword around like it's none of his business.

What do?

[] Pay him off
[] Stab him
[] Ignore him
[] Strike up a conversation with him

5th option: Duel

Let us share some tips about the fine art of rape.

edit: watch out for the choice edit below ahahah

Let's just ignore him

stab this mo'fo