J5 is Life

formerly known as

Cytyzent

Today is 20/5/18, which means I've been actively playing 4k for a solid 2 years straight. I think at most, there's been 20 days that I didn't play at all. While you may say I'm addicted, it's just I've enjoyed this game since. Maybe not o!m specifically, but 4k. I've met some incredible people, ones I can now call friends. I probably would have quit if it wasn't for them. While I don't want to reveal everything, this game did help save my life.

When I first started, I was still engaged to this girl that I was with for 7.5 years already. Things weren't going well anymore, and I decided not only to call off the wedding, but the relationship. And while things were okay for the time being, I look back and realize that I was just slowly deteriorating. It blew up, when I tried to get back together with her (word of advice, never NEVER, NEVER do this) and it literally all fell apart for me. She didn't outright reject me, instead, delayed things, trying to figure it out herself. Which, while wasn't her intention, didn't give me any closure when I'm not in a stable state. Her delay meant that I was still lingering on her, still anticipating getting back with her, and even worse, expecting it. That feeling when you hype it up, and when it doesn't come to fruition is one thing, this was a whole other nightmare. Meanwhile, I'm hitting suicidal.

I want to specify here, that it wasn't because of her, it was actually that I didn't build up my own self-worth and importance on my own. That instead, I justified my importance because I had someone in a relationship. When I split with her, I didn't have that anymore; I was anything but a whole person. Without knowing it, my entire state of self was entirely dependent on her. That I am a great person because someone loves me, someone cares about me, that I matter to someone. Instead of realizing that I am great because I am, I am awesome for my own merits. When you lose that one thing keeping you in that state of self-worth, and then you throw it away, you also throw your self-importance away.

The friends and family I had, helped me through it. I found therapy. But, this game was there through all of it. I was able to learn to be me again, to enjoy something for countless hours, all the while setting goals, and challenges for myself. It may sound really dumb to most people, but it wasn't the game, it was that I finally had a tool to grow myself again, to finally start becoming a whole person. I still play because I enjoy it, but it also helps me realize I can look at the horizon in life, and follow through with things.

Guess I landed up just letting it all out, and I'll bet plenty of people think I'm just a dumb kid. And maybe I am. But after two years, I don't regret a thing.