Lutfiann

formerly known as

hzyy

hi if ure reading this and feeling sad/down about urself go scroll












































do u have like an unfinished assignment that u dont feel like doing so, but u know u have to so u tried to do it, but then hate on the progress of the assignment so u stop doing it, resulted in had to rush it on last minute of deadline? same.
do u have like a person that u knew, had a connection with, be it online or irl person but theyre now gone, be it just from lost contact after not talking in a while, or that person has passed away.. same.
do u have the feeling of not wanting to go outside because its too scary socially, thinking of the expectation that other people might have about u, that its really just a standard by urself only, or that its a bit exhausting to talk, not everytime but just sometimes.. same.
do u have the idea of being ok to do anything, give anything to a friend u know that u deeply care, just because u like that friend and wish to have deeper bond as a friend, but yet hates it when its about helping urself? i just googled some stuff and that thing is called self sacrifice.. but anyways same.
do u feel like u have done something, while it may be not even an achievement, just a thing u did and even could be daily thing, but yet wishes for someone to compliment u for doing it? same.

u might be asking why do i need to tell u this as in to find myself to relate to somebody, because its easier to think about what to do for improvement in mental issue when its about somebody, and not myself. and could be the reason why u keep on feeling down, but finding the reason isnt really the solution. its like when somebody asked "whats the purpose of life anyways" which is honestly a stupid question, the purpose of life is really just anything, it could be trying to reach #1 in osu, it could be wanting to have a family, it could be anything. which means to find the goal of life is just... well a purpose, life isnt tied to purpose, life is just life it lets u play osu, it lets u have fun, it also lets u feel sad sometime. so yeah life is just a concept of living, and its purpose is to let u do anything, be anything, feel anything, which all of them requires one thing, that is living. But one might say "why would life matter anyways, if despite all effort on living we all soon be dead". Well why would i keep on drinking my favorite chocolate shake anyways, if soon it would be empty after i drank it. Why would i try to keep on joining voice chat in the internet and having fun, if soon it would ends and everybody leave. why would i try spamming a beatmap, if soon it will ends when i full combo'd it. Why would i do anything for the moment, if a moment is inevitable to ends. which u can prob answer it urself to these questions, so that i can taste my favorite drink, so that i can have fun with the people i love, so that i can feel proud on the achievement i did, so that i can experience the moment.

So when u ask urself why are u still alive, and think its time to give up.. its honestly... ok to give up? yea, giving up is a feeling, is a choice, the concept of giving up is actually not that harsh, i know that u have gave ur efforts, i know that u tried to think of doing something about it but folded under pressure, i know u gave it ur all.. its just that sometimes, giving up is easier with certain ways, my favorite one is just sleeping, but u could also try smoking (althought not too much pls its bad for ur lungs), or take a walk and enjoy the scenery. U prob will get yelled at for not finishing something, get lower score on ur test, and get consequences of things u gave up, but its ok. not because u gave up, but because on another chance u will be better, might be 1% improvement but u are better, might take some effort and deep self-believe on making that second chance but u are better for doing it, everybody deserves another chance be it for urself or somebody else, and when u take that chance and go for it, u really arent giving up, ure better than ever.

all these texts i wrote is really in another perspective (or my perspective) is just self insert, i have done actions that harm myself, overthinking to hell on myself, feel down all the time to myself, belittle to the lowest about myself, failing on socially wise because of myself, its just that i feel so down but yet i still have hope, maybe not in myself, but in another people who have hopes of me, thats why i write this long text as a way that if it helped anybody and made u feel better, it would make me feel better too, just the thought of it is really giving happiness to me. while it might feel pitiful of me, pathetic of me, attention seeking of me, i still wish it helps somebody, so that i can help myself, for everyone.
love and support from me to u <3