5:24 PM PST.
...no.
i'm going to go into a pretty... well, painful topic of mine.
a sore spot that i've always been bothered by.
and i fear the worst, in seeing exactly what i've envisioned, come true.
- - -
...most people i talk to know that my mother's a tough person to talk about for me. she's been the person who's a part of why my life has been absolute shit.
she's an anxious, emotional woman. she has an air of determination in her, while being highly caring, and has a tendency to be emotionally invested in the people she cares about.
i used to cherish her as my mother.
now i don't really feel much of anything towards her. i...
...well, i can't say i really even love her.
whenever she speaks to me and calls me, everything stops. i feel numb.
i suddenly find myself gripping at the thought of her, conflicted as to what to think and how to approach her.
...she birthed me. she nurtured me, but then ignored my warnings, then dejected me. she changed me into who i am.
now she's getting married all of a sudden, to a guy she's only met for 3 or 4 fucking months. september 14th.
i was born a Jehovah's Witness. i was fairly involved in the religion's proceedings, going to every meeting in the Kingdom Hall, and the memorials, and the conventions. i met some people. i somewhat enjoyed it.
throughout the years, i would learn more about what things were like. i became a somewhat popular lad, because of how i'd frequently answer for "comments", reciting shit from a book that isn't even a translation of a bible. though i did get to sometimes read some verses from their bible translation aloud at times.
but then i slowly noticed how... off-putting the Hall was. the atmosphere reeked of plastic farces and over-enthusiastic utopian attitudes that just... unsettled me. they didn't even seem genuinely happy, though some others were, to some extent. it felt like they had to smile.
then i learned some more of what the organization behind them all really was. i considered the correlation between how it affected everyone who ate up their religious teachings.
many of them didn't even seem like good people.
i learned about their shunning policies. about their two-witness ruling, and ignorance in the face of the thousands of child molestation cases they faced. i got to understand their mentality from the inside, i know of their anxiety towards "worldly" people, and people called "apostates", that "you aren't supposed to listen to their bad words", and that they're bad people somehow.
all because they left the religion, in fact, because they were abused by it, held hostage by it.
i successfully faded out of the religion, without any counseling from elders, though it's possible i may have been condemned behind my back on my way out.
...the man my mother is marrying, is a Jehovah's Witness.
he's certainly cynical of every business that exists. he seems to also be cynical of people, in some sense. i wonder if he believes people have evil ulterior motives as well.
...he does try to treat my mother well, though. he tries, and he's doing alright. my mother enjoys being around someone, for once.
...but you can't truly be together, in love, without being married, it seems.
it has some connotations that... churn my insides.
i don't know why.
she wants to be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. she wishes to live with him, as one, forever.
and for some reason, i feel like shit.
it hurts.
it's almost as if i'm losing her, like she's dying or something.
i'm losing her to a religion that captures people, and smothers them in superficial love, never letting them out... but once you make a mistake, you're shot out, called "mentally diseased", considered as "bad association". And either way, when you go in, someone's going to be cut out of your life.
it's either those you once knew and loved, considered "worldly", or the people you thought you knew, perhaps family you relied on, who deem you to be a filthy apostate, only to be kicked out by your own parents at a young age, when you're not even fucking 15.
the thought of her sinking into that religion truly stings.
it's like a whole other void has opened up.
i'd like to pull her out of it.
but with her, comes her future husband.
...that won't end well, unless i can get to him as well.
...and i very highly doubt that.
this is something, out of all that i've yet to figure out, i now know one of my greater fears-- losing someone i know fondly to a captive life that transforms them into a world-fearing cynic, sacrificing so much in belief that they can live forever, in the midst of 8 billion people that might as well just die by the hand of a deity that doesn't really even seem that great.
if only it were easier.
but it won't be easy.
if i could just say something-- one word, to this turn of events, it'd be...
no.
...no.
i'm going to go into a pretty... well, painful topic of mine.
a sore spot that i've always been bothered by.
and i fear the worst, in seeing exactly what i've envisioned, come true.
- - -
...most people i talk to know that my mother's a tough person to talk about for me. she's been the person who's a part of why my life has been absolute shit.
she's an anxious, emotional woman. she has an air of determination in her, while being highly caring, and has a tendency to be emotionally invested in the people she cares about.
i used to cherish her as my mother.
now i don't really feel much of anything towards her. i...
...well, i can't say i really even love her.
whenever she speaks to me and calls me, everything stops. i feel numb.
i suddenly find myself gripping at the thought of her, conflicted as to what to think and how to approach her.
...she birthed me. she nurtured me, but then ignored my warnings, then dejected me. she changed me into who i am.
now she's getting married all of a sudden, to a guy she's only met for 3 or 4 fucking months. september 14th.
i was born a Jehovah's Witness. i was fairly involved in the religion's proceedings, going to every meeting in the Kingdom Hall, and the memorials, and the conventions. i met some people. i somewhat enjoyed it.
throughout the years, i would learn more about what things were like. i became a somewhat popular lad, because of how i'd frequently answer for "comments", reciting shit from a book that isn't even a translation of a bible. though i did get to sometimes read some verses from their bible translation aloud at times.
but then i slowly noticed how... off-putting the Hall was. the atmosphere reeked of plastic farces and over-enthusiastic utopian attitudes that just... unsettled me. they didn't even seem genuinely happy, though some others were, to some extent. it felt like they had to smile.
then i learned some more of what the organization behind them all really was. i considered the correlation between how it affected everyone who ate up their religious teachings.
many of them didn't even seem like good people.
i learned about their shunning policies. about their two-witness ruling, and ignorance in the face of the thousands of child molestation cases they faced. i got to understand their mentality from the inside, i know of their anxiety towards "worldly" people, and people called "apostates", that "you aren't supposed to listen to their bad words", and that they're bad people somehow.
all because they left the religion, in fact, because they were abused by it, held hostage by it.
i successfully faded out of the religion, without any counseling from elders, though it's possible i may have been condemned behind my back on my way out.
...the man my mother is marrying, is a Jehovah's Witness.
he's certainly cynical of every business that exists. he seems to also be cynical of people, in some sense. i wonder if he believes people have evil ulterior motives as well.
...he does try to treat my mother well, though. he tries, and he's doing alright. my mother enjoys being around someone, for once.
...but you can't truly be together, in love, without being married, it seems.
it has some connotations that... churn my insides.
i don't know why.
she wants to be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. she wishes to live with him, as one, forever.
and for some reason, i feel like shit.
it hurts.
it's almost as if i'm losing her, like she's dying or something.
i'm losing her to a religion that captures people, and smothers them in superficial love, never letting them out... but once you make a mistake, you're shot out, called "mentally diseased", considered as "bad association". And either way, when you go in, someone's going to be cut out of your life.
it's either those you once knew and loved, considered "worldly", or the people you thought you knew, perhaps family you relied on, who deem you to be a filthy apostate, only to be kicked out by your own parents at a young age, when you're not even fucking 15.
the thought of her sinking into that religion truly stings.
it's like a whole other void has opened up.
i'd like to pull her out of it.
but with her, comes her future husband.
...that won't end well, unless i can get to him as well.
...and i very highly doubt that.
this is something, out of all that i've yet to figure out, i now know one of my greater fears-- losing someone i know fondly to a captive life that transforms them into a world-fearing cynic, sacrificing so much in belief that they can live forever, in the midst of 8 billion people that might as well just die by the hand of a deity that doesn't really even seem that great.
if only it were easier.
but it won't be easy.
if i could just say something-- one word, to this turn of events, it'd be...
no.