13:28
finding the right mousepad for osu is hard
finding the right mousepad for osu is hard
forum
post the time & what you're thinking
posted
Total Posts
2,542
Cahyono29 wrote:
13:28
finding the right mousepad for osu is hard
11:41 PM
SteelSeries mousepads are pretty solid.
3.06pm
about the aforementioned geography test, it went fine
about the aforementioned geography test, it went fine
08:31 Heck
11.10pm
I have a test tomorrow. Yes, on a Saturday. Why am I not sleeping?
I have a test tomorrow. Yes, on a Saturday. Why am I not sleeping?
10:45 EEE I'M SO MOTIVATED TODAY
I hope the test went well!
KotoriIsMyWaifu wrote:
11.10pm
I have a test tomorrow. Yes, on a Saturday. Why am I not sleeping?
I hope the test went well!
8:20 am, 8/24/19
victims of contingency is an absolute banger...i wanna find more songs like it.
i've...played osu for 4 hours straight...help.
victims of contingency is an absolute banger...i wanna find more songs like it.
i've...played osu for 4 hours straight...help.
6:36 pm
so...i just found osu gameplay on porn website ._.
so...i just found osu gameplay on porn website ._.
8.19pm
I might want to remove that screenshot from my signature, I'll leave the quote there though
I might want to remove that screenshot from my signature, I'll leave the quote there though
04:25PM
The new Topic Watches design is nice ( '-')
07:59AM
Looks like it applied to the whole forum.
The new Topic Watches design is nice ( '-')
07:59AM
Looks like it applied to the whole forum.
11:34 Feeling immensely proud with sorting out my motivation. Been doing a lot so far today without feeling forced to by people I know, and sorting out an issue they never even known about, are 100% things I feel pride for.
I'll be doing more later, but it'll probably help having, and following, a timetable. It'll make everything more organised and not feel as overwhelming deciding what to do (I'm extremely indecisive - If a decision isn't absolutely obvious, I hop from one thing to the other constantly). And I'll feel a bit more a push to do my tasks.
I'll be doing more later, but it'll probably help having, and following, a timetable. It'll make everything more organised and not feel as overwhelming deciding what to do (I'm extremely indecisive - If a decision isn't absolutely obvious, I hop from one thing to the other constantly). And I'll feel a bit more a push to do my tasks.
5:24 PM PST.
...no.
i'm going to go into a pretty... well, painful topic of mine.
a sore spot that i've always been bothered by.
and i fear the worst, in seeing exactly what i've envisioned, come true.
- - -
...most people i talk to know that my mother's a tough person to talk about for me. she's been the person who's a part of why my life has been absolute shit.
she's an anxious, emotional woman. she has an air of determination in her, while being highly caring, and has a tendency to be emotionally invested in the people she cares about.
i used to cherish her as my mother.
now i don't really feel much of anything towards her. i...
...well, i can't say i really even love her.
whenever she speaks to me and calls me, everything stops. i feel numb.
i suddenly find myself gripping at the thought of her, conflicted as to what to think and how to approach her.
...she birthed me. she nurtured me, but then ignored my warnings, then dejected me. she changed me into who i am.
now she's getting married all of a sudden, to a guy she's only met for 3 or 4 fucking months. september 14th.
i was born a Jehovah's Witness. i was fairly involved in the religion's proceedings, going to every meeting in the Kingdom Hall, and the memorials, and the conventions. i met some people. i somewhat enjoyed it.
throughout the years, i would learn more about what things were like. i became a somewhat popular lad, because of how i'd frequently answer for "comments", reciting shit from a book that isn't even a translation of a bible. though i did get to sometimes read some verses from their bible translation aloud at times.
but then i slowly noticed how... off-putting the Hall was. the atmosphere reeked of plastic farces and over-enthusiastic utopian attitudes that just... unsettled me. they didn't even seem genuinely happy, though some others were, to some extent. it felt like they had to smile.
then i learned some more of what the organization behind them all really was. i considered the correlation between how it affected everyone who ate up their religious teachings.
many of them didn't even seem like good people.
i learned about their shunning policies. about their two-witness ruling, and ignorance in the face of the thousands of child molestation cases they faced. i got to understand their mentality from the inside, i know of their anxiety towards "worldly" people, and people called "apostates", that "you aren't supposed to listen to their bad words", and that they're bad people somehow.
all because they left the religion, in fact, because they were abused by it, held hostage by it.
i successfully faded out of the religion, without any counseling from elders, though it's possible i may have been condemned behind my back on my way out.
...the man my mother is marrying, is a Jehovah's Witness.
he's certainly cynical of every business that exists. he seems to also be cynical of people, in some sense. i wonder if he believes people have evil ulterior motives as well.
...he does try to treat my mother well, though. he tries, and he's doing alright. my mother enjoys being around someone, for once.
...but you can't truly be together, in love, without being married, it seems.
it has some connotations that... churn my insides.
i don't know why.
she wants to be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. she wishes to live with him, as one, forever.
and for some reason, i feel like shit.
it hurts.
it's almost as if i'm losing her, like she's dying or something.
i'm losing her to a religion that captures people, and smothers them in superficial love, never letting them out... but once you make a mistake, you're shot out, called "mentally diseased", considered as "bad association". And either way, when you go in, someone's going to be cut out of your life.
it's either those you once knew and loved, considered "worldly", or the people you thought you knew, perhaps family you relied on, who deem you to be a filthy apostate, only to be kicked out by your own parents at a young age, when you're not even fucking 15.
the thought of her sinking into that religion truly stings.
it's like a whole other void has opened up.
i'd like to pull her out of it.
but with her, comes her future husband.
...that won't end well, unless i can get to him as well.
...and i very highly doubt that.
this is something, out of all that i've yet to figure out, i now know one of my greater fears-- losing someone i know fondly to a captive life that transforms them into a world-fearing cynic, sacrificing so much in belief that they can live forever, in the midst of 8 billion people that might as well just die by the hand of a deity that doesn't really even seem that great.
if only it were easier.
but it won't be easy.
if i could just say something-- one word, to this turn of events, it'd be...
no.
...no.
i'm going to go into a pretty... well, painful topic of mine.
a sore spot that i've always been bothered by.
and i fear the worst, in seeing exactly what i've envisioned, come true.
- - -
...most people i talk to know that my mother's a tough person to talk about for me. she's been the person who's a part of why my life has been absolute shit.
she's an anxious, emotional woman. she has an air of determination in her, while being highly caring, and has a tendency to be emotionally invested in the people she cares about.
i used to cherish her as my mother.
now i don't really feel much of anything towards her. i...
...well, i can't say i really even love her.
whenever she speaks to me and calls me, everything stops. i feel numb.
i suddenly find myself gripping at the thought of her, conflicted as to what to think and how to approach her.
...she birthed me. she nurtured me, but then ignored my warnings, then dejected me. she changed me into who i am.
now she's getting married all of a sudden, to a guy she's only met for 3 or 4 fucking months. september 14th.
i was born a Jehovah's Witness. i was fairly involved in the religion's proceedings, going to every meeting in the Kingdom Hall, and the memorials, and the conventions. i met some people. i somewhat enjoyed it.
throughout the years, i would learn more about what things were like. i became a somewhat popular lad, because of how i'd frequently answer for "comments", reciting shit from a book that isn't even a translation of a bible. though i did get to sometimes read some verses from their bible translation aloud at times.
but then i slowly noticed how... off-putting the Hall was. the atmosphere reeked of plastic farces and over-enthusiastic utopian attitudes that just... unsettled me. they didn't even seem genuinely happy, though some others were, to some extent. it felt like they had to smile.
then i learned some more of what the organization behind them all really was. i considered the correlation between how it affected everyone who ate up their religious teachings.
many of them didn't even seem like good people.
i learned about their shunning policies. about their two-witness ruling, and ignorance in the face of the thousands of child molestation cases they faced. i got to understand their mentality from the inside, i know of their anxiety towards "worldly" people, and people called "apostates", that "you aren't supposed to listen to their bad words", and that they're bad people somehow.
all because they left the religion, in fact, because they were abused by it, held hostage by it.
i successfully faded out of the religion, without any counseling from elders, though it's possible i may have been condemned behind my back on my way out.
...the man my mother is marrying, is a Jehovah's Witness.
he's certainly cynical of every business that exists. he seems to also be cynical of people, in some sense. i wonder if he believes people have evil ulterior motives as well.
...he does try to treat my mother well, though. he tries, and he's doing alright. my mother enjoys being around someone, for once.
...but you can't truly be together, in love, without being married, it seems.
it has some connotations that... churn my insides.
i don't know why.
she wants to be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. she wishes to live with him, as one, forever.
and for some reason, i feel like shit.
it hurts.
it's almost as if i'm losing her, like she's dying or something.
i'm losing her to a religion that captures people, and smothers them in superficial love, never letting them out... but once you make a mistake, you're shot out, called "mentally diseased", considered as "bad association". And either way, when you go in, someone's going to be cut out of your life.
it's either those you once knew and loved, considered "worldly", or the people you thought you knew, perhaps family you relied on, who deem you to be a filthy apostate, only to be kicked out by your own parents at a young age, when you're not even fucking 15.
the thought of her sinking into that religion truly stings.
it's like a whole other void has opened up.
i'd like to pull her out of it.
but with her, comes her future husband.
...that won't end well, unless i can get to him as well.
...and i very highly doubt that.
this is something, out of all that i've yet to figure out, i now know one of my greater fears-- losing someone i know fondly to a captive life that transforms them into a world-fearing cynic, sacrificing so much in belief that they can live forever, in the midst of 8 billion people that might as well just die by the hand of a deity that doesn't really even seem that great.
if only it were easier.
but it won't be easy.
if i could just say something-- one word, to this turn of events, it'd be...
no.
11:56 pm
I miss my old ava
I miss my old ava
~ 12:36
I think I may be trying to put too much weight on myself, but it's okay, as I quite like it. I actually have stuff to do, instead of being chained to my computer or phone all day. For years, I've been on my computer constantly, and barely even did homework for school. (I would love for somebody to have straightened me out!)
In a way, I dislike the change, because it feels wrong to do anything which doesn't include an electronic of sorts. However, electronic addiction is toxic for the things I want to do, and for the ways I want to grow. I have to accept this. I have to learn to do things for myself, too, instead of only doing anything because I'm commanded to. I need to think, 'Does this benefit me? How?', and, if it's a beneficial action, do it. Why have I always looked upon others for my decisions? I need to be independent, so I need to think for myself, perhaps using my peers as a guidance.
I have done a lot this week so far, though perhaps little compared to most people I know. I don't mind, as I feel alive, and that's all I care about at the moment. It feels so satisfying to do things on my own accord and to feel real pride in myself! This is why I'm not turning back. Often, it's difficult to do anything for myself, as I have nobody encouraging me to do such things, and I feel no real benefit to myself. However, I remember my satisfaction and pride at the end, and this picks me up and forces me to do the cleaning up, studying, or whatever. It's also nice to not feel empty. Instead of scrolling mindlessly through Reddit, I'm learning, and adapting myself as a person.
Improving from the mess I used to be, both with others and by myself, is such a confidence booster, and is so beneficial! Even if a road's a rocky one, it's still a road.
With all these things I'm doing currently, there will be much more around the corner.
I'm ready.
Going to rearrange some things in my room and study some maths, mostly after meeting with a friend, but also doing some work beforehand. Feeling brave, and may therefore get a drink (drinking in public, especially during a conversation, is something I currently struggle with). I'd also like to try reading a book outside as a way to relax today, instead of jumping for my phone. For 30 minutes, at least!
I have such an idea of what to do for today, very organised!
It's been suggested to me earlier, that I should explore with writing magazines in part of a group. Of course, I considered this, and feel very confident that I want to do it! Stating the obvious here, but I really enjoy to type, so this feels like a dream come true!!
Seems like a very difficult situation!
Being anxious myself, and knowing about anxiety, I can safely say that we're often very clingy. I personally am, to a painful extent.
However, I fear love. Absolutely fear it! Considering this, I'm probably not the best person to give their opinion. However, that marriage seems way too rushed and sudden! That time period is a little later than the one I would take for a proper friendship (where you'd feel comfortable having sleepovers and stuff)! But then, having social anxiety, it's obvious that everything takes much longer for me than normal.
That early, I would be reluctant to even introduce my children to the partner, in case something happens.
Must be a challenge, too, for your parents to have different beliefs to you. Especially if it's a belief that you've gone away from due to feeling discomfort. However, I don't think that it's fair to completely judge the marriage based on that. Your mother 'enjoys being around someone, for once', so this seems like a very positive thing for her. Also, separation would likely destroy her.
I think that you should talk to your mum about it, calmly. Organise your thoughts and have a discussion. Listen to her point of view, while also putting your thoughts on the table in a respectful manner. Try not to be absolute - Try to offer more solutions instead of just running to 'you must end the relationship'.
I think I may be trying to put too much weight on myself, but it's okay, as I quite like it. I actually have stuff to do, instead of being chained to my computer or phone all day. For years, I've been on my computer constantly, and barely even did homework for school. (I would love for somebody to have straightened me out!)
In a way, I dislike the change, because it feels wrong to do anything which doesn't include an electronic of sorts. However, electronic addiction is toxic for the things I want to do, and for the ways I want to grow. I have to accept this. I have to learn to do things for myself, too, instead of only doing anything because I'm commanded to. I need to think, 'Does this benefit me? How?', and, if it's a beneficial action, do it. Why have I always looked upon others for my decisions? I need to be independent, so I need to think for myself, perhaps using my peers as a guidance.
I have done a lot this week so far, though perhaps little compared to most people I know. I don't mind, as I feel alive, and that's all I care about at the moment. It feels so satisfying to do things on my own accord and to feel real pride in myself! This is why I'm not turning back. Often, it's difficult to do anything for myself, as I have nobody encouraging me to do such things, and I feel no real benefit to myself. However, I remember my satisfaction and pride at the end, and this picks me up and forces me to do the cleaning up, studying, or whatever. It's also nice to not feel empty. Instead of scrolling mindlessly through Reddit, I'm learning, and adapting myself as a person.
Improving from the mess I used to be, both with others and by myself, is such a confidence booster, and is so beneficial! Even if a road's a rocky one, it's still a road.
With all these things I'm doing currently, there will be much more around the corner.
I'm ready.
Going to rearrange some things in my room and study some maths, mostly after meeting with a friend, but also doing some work beforehand. Feeling brave, and may therefore get a drink (drinking in public, especially during a conversation, is something I currently struggle with). I'd also like to try reading a book outside as a way to relax today, instead of jumping for my phone. For 30 minutes, at least!
I have such an idea of what to do for today, very organised!
It's been suggested to me earlier, that I should explore with writing magazines in part of a group. Of course, I considered this, and feel very confident that I want to do it! Stating the obvious here, but I really enjoy to type, so this feels like a dream come true!!
Achromalia wrote:
5:24 PM PST.
...no.
i'm going to go into a pretty... well, painful topic of mine.
a sore spot that i've always been bothered by.
and i fear the worst, in seeing exactly what i've envisioned, come true.
- - -
...most people i talk to know that my mother's a tough person to talk about for me. she's been the person who's a part of why my life has been absolute shit.
she's an anxious, emotional woman. she has an air of determination in her, while being highly caring, and has a tendency to be emotionally invested in the people she cares about.
i used to cherish her as my mother.
now i don't really feel much of anything towards her. i...
...well, i can't say i really even love her.
whenever she speaks to me and calls me, everything stops. i feel numb.
i suddenly find myself gripping at the thought of her, conflicted as to what to think and how to approach her.
...she birthed me. she nurtured me, but then ignored my warnings, then dejected me. she changed me into who i am.
now she's getting married all of a sudden, to a guy she's only met for 3 or 4 fucking months. september 14th.
i was born a Jehovah's Witness. i was fairly involved in the religion's proceedings, going to every meeting in the Kingdom Hall, and the memorials, and the conventions. i met some people. i somewhat enjoyed it.
throughout the years, i would learn more about what things were like. i became a somewhat popular lad, because of how i'd frequently answer for "comments", reciting shit from a book that isn't even a translation of a bible. though i did get to sometimes read some verses from their bible translation aloud at times.
but then i slowly noticed how... off-putting the Hall was. the atmosphere reeked of plastic farces and over-enthusiastic utopian attitudes that just... unsettled me. they didn't even seem genuinely happy, though some others were, to some extent. it felt like they had to smile.
then i learned some more of what the organization behind them all really was. i considered the correlation between how it affected everyone who ate up their religious teachings.
many of them didn't even seem like good people.
i learned about their shunning policies. about their two-witness ruling, and ignorance in the face of the thousands of child molestation cases they faced. i got to understand their mentality from the inside, i know of their anxiety towards "worldly" people, and people called "apostates", that "you aren't supposed to listen to their bad words", and that they're bad people somehow.
all because they left the religion, in fact, because they were abused by it, held hostage by it.
i successfully faded out of the religion, without any counseling from elders, though it's possible i may have been condemned behind my back on my way out.
...the man my mother is marrying, is a Jehovah's Witness.
he's certainly cynical of every business that exists. he seems to also be cynical of people, in some sense. i wonder if he believes people have evil ulterior motives as well.
...he does try to treat my mother well, though. he tries, and he's doing alright. my mother enjoys being around someone, for once.
...but you can't truly be together, in love, without being married, it seems.
it has some connotations that... churn my insides.
i don't know why.
she wants to be baptized as a Jehovah's Witness. she wishes to live with him, as one, forever.
and for some reason, i feel like shit.
it hurts.
it's almost as if i'm losing her, like she's dying or something.
i'm losing her to a religion that captures people, and smothers them in superficial love, never letting them out... but once you make a mistake, you're shot out, called "mentally diseased", considered as "bad association". And either way, when you go in, someone's going to be cut out of your life.
it's either those you once knew and loved, considered "worldly", or the people you thought you knew, perhaps family you relied on, who deem you to be a filthy apostate, only to be kicked out by your own parents at a young age, when you're not even fucking 15.
the thought of her sinking into that religion truly stings.
it's like a whole other void has opened up.
i'd like to pull her out of it.
but with her, comes her future husband.
...that won't end well, unless i can get to him as well.
...and i very highly doubt that.
this is something, out of all that i've yet to figure out, i now know one of my greater fears-- losing someone i know fondly to a captive life that transforms them into a world-fearing cynic, sacrificing so much in belief that they can live forever, in the midst of 8 billion people that might as well just die by the hand of a deity that doesn't really even seem that great.
if only it were easier.
but it won't be easy.
if i could just say something-- one word, to this turn of events, it'd be...
no.
Seems like a very difficult situation!
Being anxious myself, and knowing about anxiety, I can safely say that we're often very clingy. I personally am, to a painful extent.
However, I fear love. Absolutely fear it! Considering this, I'm probably not the best person to give their opinion. However, that marriage seems way too rushed and sudden! That time period is a little later than the one I would take for a proper friendship (where you'd feel comfortable having sleepovers and stuff)! But then, having social anxiety, it's obvious that everything takes much longer for me than normal.
That early, I would be reluctant to even introduce my children to the partner, in case something happens.
Must be a challenge, too, for your parents to have different beliefs to you. Especially if it's a belief that you've gone away from due to feeling discomfort. However, I don't think that it's fair to completely judge the marriage based on that. Your mother 'enjoys being around someone, for once', so this seems like a very positive thing for her. Also, separation would likely destroy her.
I think that you should talk to your mum about it, calmly. Organise your thoughts and have a discussion. Listen to her point of view, while also putting your thoughts on the table in a respectful manner. Try not to be absolute - Try to offer more solutions instead of just running to 'you must end the relationship'.
~ 6:04
I wonder if I'm simply too quixotic.
Nah, shouldn't be.
I wonder if I'm simply too quixotic.
Nah, shouldn't be.
4:12 pm
i just found out my grades today... shocking to hear that i was actually the highest of the class, and the only one with an honor award (those are usually anyone in the average grade of 90-94...) although i am kinda disappointed that my grades this year is the lowest i ever had... i used to be extremely close to a higher honor award... now it doesn't seem to be the case...
i just found out my grades today... shocking to hear that i was actually the highest of the class, and the only one with an honor award (those are usually anyone in the average grade of 90-94...) although i am kinda disappointed that my grades this year is the lowest i ever had... i used to be extremely close to a higher honor award... now it doesn't seem to be the case...
15:00
I have to send a message which may be a bit risky so I'm procrastinating on it.
I have to send a message which may be a bit risky so I'm procrastinating on it.
Topic Starter
2:42 PM: this thread is still alive? wow i'm thoroughly surprised
Pawsu wrote:
2:42 PM: this thread is still alive? wow i'm thoroughly surprised
00:12AM
Yes.
11:59 Feeling quite melancholy for no reason that l could think of. Nothing seems interesting to do. At least I still did a decent amount. I just want today to pass.
17:49 ~
Wow, I'm here a lot today.
Wow, I'm here a lot today.
11.02am
Buffet dinner tonight. Can't be any worse, I'm already 68 kg.
Buffet dinner tonight. Can't be any worse, I'm already 68 kg.
10:31 pm
why did I procrastinate...
why did I procrastinate...
7:39 ~
Last night was awful, but at least l somehow slept in a bit.
l want to rant to Her but also want to bottle stuff up. l used to always rant, and would never consider bottling up stuff. Wow, have times changed. Probably for the best. l really should shush.
Last night was awful, but at least l somehow slept in a bit.
l want to rant to Her but also want to bottle stuff up. l used to always rant, and would never consider bottling up stuff. Wow, have times changed. Probably for the best. l really should shush.
3:49 am, 8/31/19
I realize that somehow, I always return to the forums after a long time. I...I wonder why.
....Also, Victims of Contingency is a good song.
I realize that somehow, I always return to the forums after a long time. I...I wonder why.
....Also, Victims of Contingency is a good song.