Father's expecting me to withdraw cash.
And I'm trying to answer this thing.
EDIT: I don't know about the appropriate person, I did talk to a psychologist (if I'm not wrong on the profession), but only about my bad childhood (maybe the maniac side as well, but I wouldn't remember, I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
It's fine.
To be fair, that "cold rate" estimation was based only on whether I act with exactly their standards, which to me seem like "visual tidiness".
When I read this "cleaning room and oneself", it feels like the same to me albeit in a different "perspective and method", but the resulting "avoiding self-consciousness" feels also like the same.
My family does care about organization and cleaning. It's best to have something simple, that's what I'm understanding from their general behavior. It's just that I don't have the same perception of how long we can feel safe without repeating the cleaning process that often (realization). They also noticed how I just clean my hands too often (forgot about that part, thinking it was later), so they've taken the hint, and in counterpart, I've limited the usage as much as I could, now just focusing on keeping my belongings safe.
You might be right about the "guessing" thing.
(Consideration in progress...)
Being unable to throw my life away before my "germ awareness", I just thought of getting a diploma, and in the process, find a motivation, a career to aim for.
*Time of "back-and-forth cold" while still going to high school incoming in the middle of the 4 years; awareness follows.*
That didn't happen. But I've met people I could share my time with (although I haven't talked about any of the problems at all), which made the decision even harder to make come true.
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
Problem is. Half of the things I spoke during those times of work were true. The other half being again, to hide my death wish; to be blunt, for now, I'm just doing whatever seems necessary to my ends. I wouldn't say I didn't like those activities, but I tried to be as close as distant, drawing a line between "enjoying myself and feeling at home". Those studies about "good mood at work influencing personal life" might be true... Although I'm just saying that out of memory; I might be wrong about the topic of the thing.
They are aware of our human limits, it's me "not catching up" according to their teaching schedule to make me an actual part of their team...
Having that in mind is a burden to me, huh... Then the blunder from that day intensified it... Ugh *Keep on reading*
...
I don't know... *Reads again*
...
I did try to move on... *Reads again*
...
I know what happened, the "boss" even pointed it out, "being a dork is fine, but only to a certain degree" and I feel like I went too far; like, beyond the possibility of being left a chance to apologize more than I should and just walk out of the company (emphasis on that, I'm forcing too much blame on myself). I don't know what hint I should find and take...
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
If it wasn't for that third strike, I think I would have felt relieved after talking to the doc', then telling to the "boss" about what happened. But now the whole place, the whole project, the whole picture, the whole next level in my brain is on fire.
Maybe I'll learn things out of the three meetings (doc', bank counselor, "true boss"), but freakin' anxiety...
One thing is I can't die, refering to message's first two lines.
Um... Oh...
"Calm"... I lost that, huh...
I should mention another factor, being the presence of "boss" when I'm metting "true boss". Um...
*Blank*
Oof... Negativity strikes aga--
*YouTube notification*
Oh, good, something to distract me.
*Clearer mind (maybe)*
Also.
It's alright, that might have looked like buying time even instinctively, but at least I could actually go all out and have a better consideration/thinking time.
Don't know about the organisation of the text though, but meh.
There's no "healing" the past, I know. Maybe less pain, although slightly, if I ever come to "go out" for real.
Although that (reduced pain) will only be on my side, I guess.
Just, I'm not dead yet. Alright.
If I'm dying, that will be under the heavy weight in mind of what I retained from the meetings and their consequences, happening either a bit later than the next week ("fruitless time, no hint taken") or much later.
EDIT2: Laughter is a good medicine.
And I'm trying to answer this thing.
I don't know about "therapy", but I have yet to talk about this to a "psychologist"...?Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
EDIT: I don't know about the appropriate person, I did talk to a psychologist (if I'm not wrong on the profession), but only about my bad childhood (maybe the maniac side as well, but I wouldn't remember, I should mention that if I'm planning to see her again).
It's fine.
To be fair, that "cold rate" estimation was based only on whether I act with exactly their standards, which to me seem like "visual tidiness".
When I read this "cleaning room and oneself", it feels like the same to me albeit in a different "perspective and method", but the resulting "avoiding self-consciousness" feels also like the same.
My family does care about organization and cleaning. It's best to have something simple, that's what I'm understanding from their general behavior. It's just that I don't have the same perception of how long we can feel safe without repeating the cleaning process that often (realization). They also noticed how I just clean my hands too often (forgot about that part, thinking it was later), so they've taken the hint, and in counterpart, I've limited the usage as much as I could, now just focusing on keeping my belongings safe.
You might be right about the "guessing" thing.
(Consideration in progress...)
Being unable to throw my life away before my "germ awareness", I just thought of getting a diploma, and in the process, find a motivation, a career to aim for.
*Time of "back-and-forth cold" while still going to high school incoming in the middle of the 4 years; awareness follows.*
That didn't happen. But I've met people I could share my time with (although I haven't talked about any of the problems at all), which made the decision even harder to make come true.
I didn't think the year after I get that paper I could participate in some "volunteering" work and "formation" program to help myself get into something. I too never guess that could happen.
Problem is. Half of the things I spoke during those times of work were true. The other half being again, to hide my death wish; to be blunt, for now, I'm just doing whatever seems necessary to my ends. I wouldn't say I didn't like those activities, but I tried to be as close as distant, drawing a line between "enjoying myself and feeling at home". Those studies about "good mood at work influencing personal life" might be true... Although I'm just saying that out of memory; I might be wrong about the topic of the thing.
They are aware of our human limits, it's me "not catching up" according to their teaching schedule to make me an actual part of their team...
Having that in mind is a burden to me, huh... Then the blunder from that day intensified it... Ugh *Keep on reading*
...
I don't know... *Reads again*
...
I did try to move on... *Reads again*
...
I know what happened, the "boss" even pointed it out, "being a dork is fine, but only to a certain degree" and I feel like I went too far; like, beyond the possibility of being left a chance to apologize more than I should and just walk out of the company (emphasis on that, I'm forcing too much blame on myself). I don't know what hint I should find and take...
I admitted my problems to my "boss" (name on the responsibility side), now that sxit happened. Aside from meeting her superior (the one who I met to get hired), she planned an appointment for tomorrow, with the company's doc' for me to explain myself to him.
If it wasn't for that third strike, I think I would have felt relieved after talking to the doc', then telling to the "boss" about what happened. But now the whole place, the whole project, the whole picture, the whole next level in my brain is on fire.
Maybe I'll learn things out of the three meetings (doc', bank counselor, "true boss"), but freakin' anxiety...
One thing is I can't die, refering to message's first two lines.
Um... Oh...
"Calm"... I lost that, huh...
I should mention another factor, being the presence of "boss" when I'm metting "true boss". Um...
*Blank*
Oof... Negativity strikes aga--
*YouTube notification*
Oh, good, something to distract me.
*Clearer mind (maybe)*
Also.
It's alright, that might have looked like buying time even instinctively, but at least I could actually go all out and have a better consideration/thinking time.
Don't know about the organisation of the text though, but meh.
There's no "healing" the past, I know. Maybe less pain, although slightly, if I ever come to "go out" for real.
Although that (reduced pain) will only be on my side, I guess.
Just, I'm not dead yet. Alright.
If I'm dying, that will be under the heavy weight in mind of what I retained from the meetings and their consequences, happening either a bit later than the next week ("fruitless time, no hint taken") or much later.
EDIT2: Laughter is a good medicine.