should've posted here earlier.

so my dad's got the laptop back and the company gave us their diagnosis. turns out the hard drive got fucked up beyond recognition somehow because the laptop took such a beating over the months. i'm seething right now.

so now, all my data, my music, my art, is fucked. any drafted projects are fucked. the laptop itself is fucked.

and the real reason why is because of my shitty treatment of my things. i'm realizing that i'm just not any good at taking care of my things. i leave my laptop on, constantly let it fall on the ground by my shitty neglectfulness, and my insistence to leave it on just wound up burning up the cpu, as well as the battery, of which was overcharged because i never let it run on its own.

so yeah. there ya go. never trust me with my things. otherwise i'll fuck myself over.

i not only should've been 'more mindful' as i constantly chant to myself, but actually do some shit to prevent fucking up what i have.

at least i've got this phone, and i have a spare laptop/netbook thing. the phone's faster but harder to use.

so for now, i'll be lurking around and try to relax. not much else i can do.

but yeah. i genuinely hate myself for it and i'm going to have to try and change that shit, and give more of a shit about my things.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XTLoOqEimd8

("Offended", in a nutshell.)

I might not be completely averse from selfies after all, but even then, I prefer not to take any. Pictures aren't my thing.

I'm realizing just how neutral my face is, considering that my emotions don't really show very well, even despite what I can manage to feel from them.

I never knew I'd be so damn expressionless.

I also tried to see why some people say I give them death glares, why they seem to think I look like I'd want to kill them or something. I don't know why, honestly, as I don't really see any malicious intent whenever I glare at the camera.

Weird. Interesting.

Server group map collab in the works.

ive eaten so many hot cheetos the past few days i expect my insides to collapse

speaking of internal collapse, every time i shit, it feels like my rectum collapses as the shit comes out.

i've still been dealing with it for about a week now.

i still hope it isn't anything to do with hemorrhoids.

...egh.

Achromalia wrote:

speaking of internal collapse, every time i shit, it feels like my rectum collapses as the shit comes out.

i've still been dealing with it for about a week now.

i still hope it isn't anything to do with hemorrhoids.

...egh.

you should seriously go to the doctor

woke up at 4pm lol
Heard there was a pp change but my top plays hasn't changed yet and noticed a +400 pp/15k Rank increase

Almost missed my bus but didn't ^-^

Also I was falling asleep in Matt class today, not because it was boring tho

bakugan removed subterra rip julie where the heck is jake i'm so lost without my earth turds i want my old subterra riplock bakugan thing why did they rename sky raiders to something else with the same concept in mind why didn't they keep the same 3 for 3 concept from the original bakugan i don't like it anymore give me my mercury dragonoid bakufusion already where's the delta dragonoid evolution i don't want this rabbit loli looking at me in my nightmares i want my neo dragonoid vortex gigantic sicko mode size toy already where the hell is my dragonoid colossus and dharak colossus scorpion thing from when i was eight BAKUGAN WAS HYPE WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE REBOOT BUT NOW I HATE THE CONCEPTS

alright.

so i'm deciding to try and just vent and rant and shit here since it's the best opportunity i have really, while the getting's good in terms of my shitty inner thoughts and whatever is brewing behind my possibly false mask of stoicism and apathy.

...but really, i don't know. there's no certainty in that claim.

but i doubt i'm apathetic at this point. i'm generally stoic, yet this is not a moment that would be well-associated with that.

so here's my thoughts.

* I'm shitty at taking care of my things and should actually do something about it so that I don't fuck myself over somehow in the very immediate future.

* I'm experiencing some sort of irritability as I'm finding more reasons to feel contemptuous of myself, even though they don't lead to anything practical, and would only mean I'd be wasting time, which only leads to more self-contempt.

* I question who I am constantly now. Who I am. What I feel. What my mindset even is. What would I best be defined as? What makes me a shitty person by the average person's regards? What would someone typically consider to be my strengths? Why would anyone see anything in me? Why don't I see much in my self, or rather, why do I feel I shouldn't see myself as someone who could amount to something meaningful?

* I wonder if I ever truly had apathy. Considering I'm picking up irritability from my dad, it's possible that I really have subconsciously repressed my emotions to a worrying uncanny degree.

* I wonder what means most to me. What do I value in anything, exactly?

I dunno. I'm simultaneously exhausted yet bothered. I'm having trouble coming up with much right now as I really just want to relax now, so...

...yeah. I'll try and re-concentrate my thoughts. I've been wound and strung apart by such trivial misfortune and somehow, it had led me to be mildly irritable.

February's going to be one hell of a month. I don't think it'll get better.

I want to munch on some cheesebars right now

I've gotten a cold for a whole week and it seems to be getting better today, I was at a point that I'm almost healthy again.

Until I decided to go out today to get some coca-cola that is.

Now It's even worst than when I first got it.

Send help.

Making Custom Storyboards for each diff, and as well fixing the GDs on multiple matters.

What to watch

Feeling a bit better from last night's mental breakdown.

Trying to relax today.

deltarune's comin' to the switch! :-)

charamaru wrote:

deltarune's comin' to the switch! :-)

They didn't announce anything Mother related :'(

Tetris99 is really fun tho

new phone, back to 4g speed boiiiii

to be honest, i feel tired. every single day, i just feel tired, even today. sleep isn't really doing much anymore. i don't know why...

everything is okay though. it's probably a phase.

im basically dead here since I live on instagram now

Life's been really wild and i havent been doing so hot but i miss everyone here

i had a bad dream last night. i wouldn't call it a nightmare, but definitely a bad dream. just reminded me of all the good things i don't have anymore. everything just took such a sudden turn that it's hard for me to let go.

happy valentine's day.

Still wondering why I'm still making Maps when I submitted one.

cheesedogs

that stupid dream i had has been fuckin me up all day. not much else to do than forget abt it eventually.

fucking hell. i forget about posting for 2 minutes and come back to charamaru taking the shit in TN >:c

...egh. here's to another 45-point attempt.

Binge watched Idol Time Pripara, Idol anime that is targeted for kids are underrated

Good soundtracks too

I waited for hours for SAO 3's ep 19 but only to know that it will be released 23rd of Feb

Making a short all mode mapset.

hit rank 42069 and then eclipsed it.

omw to 4k pp uwu

I made 4 edits this weekend and posted them on Instagram I. am tired

I'm bad with air conditioned busses, that 30hour ride is hell

Status: calculus is now my favorite subject.

johnmedina999 wrote:

Status: calculus is now my favorite subject.

only gets me more excited for when I take Pre-Calc and Calculus in the next two years.

Nice.

Chocolate

I wasn't too shakey or moved around too much during my presentation. Wow. Improvements.

im having a hard time shaking these bad feelings as a dark day, which was once one of the best days of my life, approaches soon.

Tobiichi ♥

LNs are nice.

1st time in Manila and was almost lost lol