that seems really ambiguous...like, any answer could easily be wrong, and i simply don't know enough about the human psyche to make any conclusive suggestions about what you should think. i don't know what people want or need or how it feels to be in their position. i can't prescribe what life will be like for them, and i can only opine on how it looks to me, while at the same time fearing that i'd be wrong to make anyone hope for anything
...really, i can't say for sure, and it's not really up to me to decide that, is it? what i would guess is that it feels distressing and dreadful, but at the same time it does not appear plausibly life-threatening and it doesn't seem definitively medically problematic-- but saying that probably doesn't make any of it easier or better for you, and physicality is not necessarily representative of your mentality and emotional status. but similarly, your mentality and emotional status are not representative of your physicality on their own...
what i do wonder is if you could find community with people who share some of the traits you describe yourself to have, looking to the advice of people who have lived with this chronically or even for their entire lives. you could try throwaway accounts or something, lurk quietly without interacting until you're certain you can resonate with the people who've shared their experiences there to at least some degree, and so on
but philosophically and metaphysically, the assumptions and frames of reference that you carry are not so easy for an outsider like me to address, not that i'm really in any position of any authority or wisdom to ever tell you what anything necessarily would mean. for the most part, i'm just offering anything i can while waiting in the hope that someone else can chime in and give thoughts that better accommodate you than i ever could. if you'd like, i could stop and leave you to stew for yourself... but i figured that many people don't really like feeling isolated or unheard, so i hoped that by responding and trying to be present and sympathetic, then maybe there would be at least some enduring comfort
but we all perceive what we will, and we can only do so much
i'm really not one to talk, anyway... physically, mentally, i'm not really in any position to suggest that my approaches are any more helpful than anything else when all they got me was... the ugly complacence i have now with my own stubbornly negligent self-sabotage. after years of my own trouble, my mind has probably adapted to shut out all the chaos as much as possible, and it very forcefully redirects me to whatever will soothe me or keep me content. i used to be much more violent toward myself, but then i got tired and burnt out and didn't bother anymore, and i found other places to look, other "unrealistic mirages" to carry with me and assuage my dread. bouts of my own curiosity will very frequently be the accidental cause of horrors that i would've rather not stumbled into. but ultimately, all i desired was catharsis through artistic expression before finding peace in my own daydreams
the way it all looks is probably different for you, maybe
i only wish i knew how to make any of it better
regardless, it probably feels terrible as it is, and i can only entrust you with the possibility of a future where you are content and at peace for your own sake with yourself and others so long as you want to be, and wish you well
what's an interesting and endearing reaction you've gotten by placing a peck on the cheek for mister cresswell?
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