sudden affliction of self-loathing as an incidental result of further confirmation of sociological impressions i wish weren't as substantial as they were, because having a predestined start-point "nature" with enduring qualities that determine the probability of characteristics in the future was always kind of awful to think about, even though it was an apparent premise to consider anyway
i [do not] love being especially resistant to being someone i want to be in contrast to who i was supposedly predisposed to be, it makes me feel a bit psychically sick
physically im fine of course, other than the obvious deficiencies in health
not just me, this is more of a broader pattern of things im averse to from many kinds of people as they are, even if im generally inclined to dampen my perception of them in favor of understanding and sympathizing where possible. but to imagine an enduring predisposition is exhausting, to imagine that people necessarily "must" be anything is awful to me, but i suppose my issue with this in regard to personality and identity could separately be applied to things apart from this consideration, like morality and pragmatism
...
i must be contradicting myself somewhere in here. or, if not in text, then somewhere in my own mind. presumably, my trouble is with being poorly conditioned to become who i sought to be, or perhaps actively fighting myself because the person i am is anathema to my ideals in a way that my supposed "nature" may be resistant to or ill-conceived for
but then, additionally, those multiple ideals themselves may be in conflict as a result of a social priority that contradicts my image of who an ideal self would be, partly because that ideal self is based largely on my own concept of what might be ideal to me, on account of what i love and treasure and wish to keep safe within me. and that is in direct contrast to a generalized multitude of populations who that ideal self would want to be actualized beside, as who i hope to be is probably not quite right for what makes a healthy comfortable society as i would've wished to enable from myself
...i probably had other thoughts on this but im already exhausted, i need a break
...i will probably forget to care in a moment anyway