there is so much to love that i wish i could actually like... love, and its so sad but so funny because like, there is so much significance found through the people and animals and music and art and stories and videos that i've wanted to feel that love for, and appreciating them makes me want to cry, but not being able to feel like i appreciate them enough also makes me want to cry :')
or more accurately, i am more sad the more i love something, and i am more sad the more i realize im so bad at being able to feel/create/generate/appreciate that love for those things... which i guess could seem very similar to loving it, but idk, it feels and looks very fundamentally different to me, people seem so mysterious when theyre able to do it
idk, its tiring bc everything is kinda hard to feel, everything is hard to be grateful or appreciative about-- its not that i feel i have to, its that i desperately want to and it looks almost like i physically/psychologically cant. it is so interesting, but also very exhausting and sad when it makes creating things and viewing things just that much harder to enjoy and be a part of, yknow
hmm
i wish i could let go of wanting to be everyone... but collecting and appreciating and learning to empathize with those experiences as a result, that seems so valuable... there is a lot to fear too, but i think i would want to see it through the eyes of the people involved to at least learn more about the way those things are caused and perceived. humanity is so weird and tiring yet interesting and life-giving yet cruel and sad yet beautiful and precious
but in the end, in my limited senses, humanity is a big block of ambiguous nothing-y ambivalence of people that i dont know what to do with
anyway
...its getting late, i should eat something...
be well, everyone
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