-495

-497

-498

-499

-502

-503 :3c

-506 philly cheesesteak

-507 filling teeth stake

-509

-510

-512

-516

-519

-520

-522

-524

-526 what is the point, there is only supporters here

-528

I also don't think it makes much sense that there are situations where a non-supporter better serves their side by not posting at all, i.e. a case where there is one active non-supporter and one active supporter with 2+ hearts. In this case the non-supporter simply gives the supporter an opportunity to reduce the overall number by 1 whenever they post.

-530 what if... we just stop? let the non supporters recover?

why would we do that? we reset to 0 once we hit -1k anyway

why stop when we’re halfway there?

-533

-538

-540

Naiad wrote:

-528

I also don't think it makes much sense that there are situations where a non-supporter better serves their side by not posting at all, i.e. a case where there is one active non-supporter and one active supporter with 2+ hearts. In this case the non-supporter simply gives the supporter an opportunity to reduce the overall number by 1 whenever they post.

-541

despite enjoying the kinds of ways i liked to explain it as being strategic gameplay (i said the same thing except i added suggestions that it was "fun"), i've had to always recognize and concede to that :(

it's kind of silly, to the extent that it would probably discourage anyone from posting at all in fear of risking the arrival of a supporter before non-supporters can coordinate anything. i always enjoyed playing this part of the determined underdogs, but i can't imagine it being that intuitive or fun once you have five different supporters rotating throughout the game every day and maybe two non-supporters (or at least those in their favor) every week

keremaru wrote:

given like
the last run before this one

im legitimately scared of chaincounters on this thread (they have literally given me counting trauma)

oops
-536

im chaincounters <3

i am definitely switching sides next time, it wouldn't be any different from how it was before since i only have one heart anyway but it's maybe worth something if more people can make use of me being active nearly full-time for other threads like thread necromancy :>

Stinky osu! supporters who don't want to let non-supporters play the game 🤢

-543

-544

fuck the non-supporters

-547

keremaru wrote:

Achromalia wrote:

keremaru wrote:

given like
the last run before this one

im legitimately scared of chaincounters on this thread (they have literally given me counting trauma)

oops
-536

im chaincounters <3

no, like...
hundreds lost in the span of half an hour.

-550

...?

mm,, i assume this isnt contending with owning that i had a part in it, and maybe it's moreso just... im guessing it really was that disturbing and that this "no, like..." is trying to illustrate that it was not being taken seriously/sincerely enough?

i think it makes sense, in some ways. waking up and seeing that the count went from -588 to 908 in the time that passed, i imagine that could be a rather obscene and shocking sight after it had been several days of trying to inch the count from 0 to even so much as -500

im not sure what exactly that means to you

...but i think its a fair sentiment to have about it, from how im interpreting what you might mean

-551

-553

-554

-557

-559

-560

-562

-563

-565

-566

-567

-569

-572 i love making progress

fluffpup wrote:

-572 i love making progress

-573 me too <3

-575

-576

-578

-579

i feel like there would be some kind of thoughtful dose of rumination to type through, but i find that im a little too tired for it right now and i dont really know what im thinking anymore

it all feels pretty numbly ambiguous and indistinct, which is to say, awful

i wouldve hoped to trust people more but most of the novelty has worn away and i dont think being here with people is really that much more comfortable than the alienation ive experienced with my previous micro-community of choice

what is there to really describe? what is there that can be comfortably understood under a mutual affective lens? and even then, i'm not sure i want what i think my impulses reach for. wanting people and oversharing and then regretting it because i didnt realize i had a sense of caution about people from the beginning that i shouldve listened to

-582

-583

-586

-587

i want to be more thoughtful and thinky and thoughts but.. exjajajaustion..

and there isnt anyone to think thoughts thinkfully with that thinks the thoughts im think, and

even if there were, i am not in a condition to convey them and certainly not in this public ecosystem

-589 you were a fresh air on the server, I miss your schizo posting there

also, maybe you should search for deeper connections? I dont think quick interactions here and there will help with this sense of trust.

anyway, I dont really understand what you mean by trust and comfort or how these two interact with each other.

Achromalia wrote:

i want to be more thoughtful and thinky and thoughts but.. exjajajaustion..

why though? if it makes you that exhausted why even bother?

i don’t think it’s exhaustion

consider it being more of an expression paralysis

-592

-594

-595

Polyspora wrote:

-589 you were a fresh air on the server, I miss your schizo posting there

also, maybe you should search for deeper connections? I dont think quick interactions here and there will help with this sense of trust.

anyway, I dont really understand what you mean by trust and comfort or how these two interact with each other.

mm, i don't know yet. i don't really gather the impression that trying to connect more deeply in public spaces would really make me trust people that much more. in private, perhaps even less so, depending on how well a conversation can be carried and how much i distrust the possibility of it not affecting how people perceive and interact with someone depending on what's disclosed

i don't trust people because it's common to find that people gossip about one another or make jokes at another's expense (even when lighthearted, most likely). it's not unlikely i might entrust myself and my experiences/thoughts/feelings to people and have that be talked about between others whether in private or in public, which is easy enough of a possibility to extrapolate given how some people are subjects of speculation for some feature of their self-expression or w/e

the personal interactions i have with people aren't the full scope of what i read behaviors from, after all

...so personally interacting more deeply would generally not be likely to change very much of anything that i would've possibly been able to gather from just watching someone from afar...

in fact, i enjoy sharing my thoughts-- it's an enduring impulsive urge for me, and i crave that kind of liberty of exhibiting everything about myself to someone, but... the ecosystem that these thoughts emerge in means Everything, and i need very specific people for that who aren't the people that exist here afaik given their characteristics

Polyspora wrote:

Achromalia wrote:

i want to be more thoughtful and thinky and thoughts but.. exjajajaustion..

why though? if it makes you that exhausted why even bother?

i love thinking! it's a critical core of my experience of life, and my scope of awareness is very very localized to my own mind, so i like to explore that as deeply and thoroughly as possible. that clarity of thought is something i actively fight exhaustion in order to cling onto, even if my thoughts are rarely ever clear at all

it's one of the only things i can access and hold onto, one of the only things i trust (even in knowing that it's intrinsically subjective and in knowing i can easily be deceived), my inner world depends/relies immensely on my ability to continue thinking about anything i can muster. it feels like home, it feels like a camera i can point with, it feels like a narrative i can write for myself

of course, some of what i describe in "knowing i can easily be deceived [by my interpretation of the world]" and "my inner world relies immensely [on my thoughts and feelings]" and "[having] a camera i can point with" have all largely been connected to what i call "narrativization", a process of conditioning and framing your own experiences with a particular interpretation and story, not unlike believing that a history of people taking advantage of you is reflective of something about you "being naive" or that a history of being trusting and responsive to others is a vulnerability that illustrates and eventually demonstrates your reasons to fear people

fluffpup wrote:

i don’t think it’s exhaustion

consider it being more of an expression paralysis

-592

long-term, it may be both, though i think at the time i was mostly speaking of general exhaustion :<

-597

I think you just had a bunch of bad experiences these past years, and is now insistently ruminating on them

I would recommend you to give this place one more try

Polyspora wrote:

-597

I think you just had a bunch of bad experiences these past years, and is now insistently ruminating on them

I would recommend you to give this place one more try

-598

not necessarily, but partly true...?

i have trouble with my own experiences, but interestingly i don't have many experiences to speak of in the past few years because i avoid people enough to not have any beyond a selective circle of the few friends i loosely keep, so...

often times i'm spared the trouble precisely because i don't invest too much of myself in being here and try to avoid being in the spotlight if i can help it (as much as i sometimes fail and stand out from how i type, or what subjects i'd be responsive to)-- although many things can be memory-holed, anyone with a mission can easily dig up anything about anyone, such that any information gleaned can frame the perception of a person immensely from just one small impression or admission and be a predominant exogenous lens that overwrites whatever that person hoped to reveal/project/express/convey

for example, someone could grow frustrated with how critically people respond to them or how those people assume something of them, but those responses are based on impressions of various characteristics that inform the perception/interpretation those people have of what's happening and what constitutes the person they're responding to-- someone who is critical of politicization/moralization may be more likely to be familiar with deflecting with sarcastic reduction of interpretation to a point of absurdity in something like "yes im totally this evil caricature you have of me, and i'll do you one better, i can performatively rephrase it to be even more absurd in order to show you how dumb this is", and through this resistance that person may ironically become politicized against their detractors or become distinctly calcified in their beliefs in light of how absurd other people appear to be-- "absurdities" which largely exist on the basis of others' pattern-recognition and personal conditioning to what they perceive, and many times those responses don't accurately reflect the contexts that form them and may obscure the sincere impressions and sentiments a person might have when they've been given the distance to digest their thoughts/feelings

this place is one of many that i vaguely distrust, and these experiences/fears are not exclusively related to being here... but it is one of the few places i've shared so much of myself that someone could voyeuristically peer into who i am (or rather, who i appeared to be) without me being able to obscure anything-- there are internet archives, and there is no way to escape to a new account without risking that it becomes known through inference and through similarities in behavior and interests and being restricted for it-- therefore if i ever intend to escape, there is no way to continue enjoying osu as an active creator or community member through mapping or through being a featured artist, not without using this same account with this same history

that permanence of visibility is horrifying to me, even if it is extremely trivial to most others

because what can you really ever realistically and consistently conceal? it requires time and dedication to affect behavior and style and optics to that extent in a sustainable way. it's not really like i'd have much skill in that, i find that some kind of sincerity reveals itself somewhere no matter what i do

who can you ever realistically be except your history and reputation? who are you but the precise continuity of conditions and interactions that shaped you? it's not necessarily the present-tense self that unsettles me, it's the security of that future-tense self due to the past-tense and present-tense selves-- it's the likelihood that history is all you are, that the future is dependent on the conditions that shaped it and that it cannot be emergently reconstructed

i can't be anything that isn't at least who i was, there can only be addition and recontextualization, and i do not trust that i can realistically contextualize myself in any way that i'm willing to pursue a life with

vanity, i'm sure, but... it's also a matter of the security of identity and selfhood in a world where perception shapes the interactions made and the interactions made shape what you respond to and what moments exist for you to respond to will shape your habits and behaviors from how those moments/interactions inform you

...

even saying as much as this is a counterproductive contradiction to "anonymizing" or "trying not to be visible" and further damning of my own plausible deniability about anything i fear speaking of, where wanting to hide at all makes you appear even more conspicuous, et cetera

but of course, just as much as anyone else without the discipline to shut up, i'm responsive to someone who asks questions and can't seem to even will myself to try to lie (and even then, i probably would be a terrible novice at it)

-600 (isn’t it funny how I always get these round numbers?)

No questions were asked this time

-601

fair enough

-603

-604

-606

-607

-606

AH! NON SUPPORTER!

-608

E

-608

puck! -610

-611

-613

-614

exhaustion

-616

-617

-619

-620 our internet and phone data plans were cut off...

-622 that sucks

-623 it's back now at least, just took time and money to fix but i'm sure it'll be ok :>

-624

-623

-624

-626

I think if posts here counted, this game would be much more popular

-627

if posts counted?

-629

-630

how should they count, while retaining merit and skill?

-632 what

-633

what

...ok, then what do you mean by "if posts counted, this game would be much more popular"? what would they count for?

...maybe it's another possibility, like "if [posting in forum games increased our post counter], this game would be much more popular [because people could farm posts through this game]", or something?

-632

-633

-638

kere!

-639

:>

-640

Supporter ran out today

-641...?

Achromalia wrote:

-641...?

wrong!

-641

if it's wrong bc of great_elmo losing supporter, then that post should've been -638, but i interpreted -640 as an intentional choice like a couple other supporters did in favor of the non-supporter side

but i can go along with this :>

-642

Thought about replying to posts dating back to weeks ago in this thread, but found out there was no point...

Achromalia wrote:

if it's wrong bc of great_elmo losing supporter, then that post should've been -638, but i interpreted -640 as an intentional choice like a couple other supporters did in favor of the non-supporter side

but i can go along with this :>

It must be the correct number, I've seen these days it's been accepted for supporters to have a kind of right to add in favour of reaching 1,000 instead of subtracting, and to exercise the "right". The other way around must surely be illicit.

...Unless great_elmo did their last count as a supporter before editing the post?

Let us temporarily -641 🤨

i wonder...

i don't know if i have a clear opinion about it yet, but it will probably be ok ^^

-642

-642

ping pongin' numbers...

🏓 -641