since the beginning which its not even a year i have bothered people a lot about my maps. probably because of plain ignorance. i know im sorry, nobody will read this so i guess its pointless. i know i don't communicate much, im sorry again for that. i don't know what to do, im sorry. im sorry if this is becoming a rant. i know im such a dick im sorry.

Talk to a friend, a family member, a help line, a therapist, anyone. Seek help, let others help you, let yourself accept their help. It gets better.

It's gonna be hard, but you'll get through that. Do exactly how you did here, if you have the courage to open up with your problems to total strangers like us, what more with your family? Just talk to them, if you're shy to open up with your problems with them. You know, you can always talk about something. Something that would get the problems off your mind. We here are not your irl friends, nor relatives. We can't feel your pain like how you're feeling now, at least all we can do is give you a push to take a step. Every decisions you will make is up to you, if you're gonna stay hopeless or live for another day that would be your decision.


Sorry if I'm talking like this. Hope you stay safe there.

this one is in conjunction to the other posts.

this one is to respond on the mapping side of your post.

you have bothered many about your maps? it's fine! look, there are many beginners to mapping who are like you. ask! as a new mapper, if you desire to map even a bit, you have your right to learn how to map. you just need to climb up slowly, since not everyone will answer you at the start.
they who have been at your position some 4 years ago would be tired of seeing your type of maps. if someone at the description doesn't answer you for mods, find someone else! find someone more understanding of you, like a newer mapper, but has been here long enough for you to learn from.

if you ask, forgive yourself. because you have your way of looking at things from the bottom. forgive yourself because all you wanted was to learn.

i had a doubt towards talking to high ranking people before like BNs and NATs and the like. they seem busy. but remember, they're people playing for the same reason you are. why then would they be so absorbed into this circle-clicking PC application such that they gain a status for it?

the osu!mapping community is one that constantly nudges each other. damn, look at the modding queues forum. you'd see some names on the top which are the same in terms of "last replied" at times. check their maps. some good chunk of the time, they'd be maps similar to yours. that's because they too are learning. they need information from A LOT of people. new mappers are learning. they're supposed to be! that's what this community is all about. then where did the ones at the top now come from? exactly from where you are! they're going through the same thing of asking some person more experienced looking some nons. instead, we learn from the bottom to climb higher. we started from the same position: the lowest; it's how mentally tough and full of grit to fail and learn; that defines if we will be "successful in out own terms." that's why!!! as a new mapper, forgive yourself.

you wanna convince yourself more? reread from the top. what i said, i think, is basically just a cycle. if you can understand that cycle, you're good to go.

i hope you can forgive yourself.

hey, if it gets you up, respond back here or in private message.

edit: don't be sad because i made a rant as long as this. if you want to make up for it, use what we write here to become better that who you were. if i see you up and better sometime in the future, i would be very glad. ok?