my dad got shot during the great emu wars and mom abandoned me for her long lost boyfriend in greenland. i was raised by the giant rats of the new york alleyways. they taught me the art of the hobo, where i learned how to eat from trash cans, and on lucky days, from a garbage truck. i lived off banana peels and flat diet pepsi. on good days i would even have the chance to drink some leftover protein shake odwallas that no one likes. when i finally grew up, the rats let me go. i journeyed across the lands, searching far and wide, where i then took shelter inside of a senile and blind 70 year-old man's garage. it reeked of the foul odors of intense womanly perfume. my nose hairs turned into ash, and my face blackened. i had become a man. i took my clothes off, and then proceeded to gallop into the streets majestically.