I open my eyes and I prepare myself, wondering what the world will force me to become today.

For most of this year, I've been growing more and more frustrated with the issues of social expectations and gender roles.

Mostly with social expectation, its frustrating being me. I am a fairly outgoing person in school. I am nice to others, I try to accept everyone, I'm part of school activities and clubs, and apparently people love the shit out of me.

This works very much against my favor.

Because I fit this certain criteria, I lose the freedom of choice. I come from a very passive family in terms of choice, so I've grown up being able to choose my own future. I chose to play tuba and live my life dedicated to music. In middle school, where I was pretty much hated, I had so much freedom because I didn't have anybody to really impress, I was already hated by most people, even by my friends (Which I didn't know until I hit high school). Suddenly, in high school, I am loved by most people for some reason. I struggle, though, with not being very agressive or strong. I get pushed around a lot, and I get forced to do things a lot that I don't want to do because I'm not brave enough to tell people otherwise. This year, however, I tried to escape that. However, I've been unsuccessful. Let me summarize.

Prom Court nominations began in March. People had been saying "nominate Brian Hotchkiss for Prom King!" since the beginning of the year. I kind of laughed and said "no." However, as the date came closer and closer, people started pressing the issue more on me, and resisted more, telling people outright "no." I was put on court by one of my "supporters", and she advertised all around social media for me to become prom king. Others literally made shirts for me telling people to vote for me. I was living every little girl's dream. But I had no choice in the matter. I was literally told by someone "This isn't about you anymore, Brian. This is for the school". I kept on saying no, I kept on trying my hardest, literally telling everyone I knew to not vote for me.

I made it onto court. I'm now forced to spend my Saturday going to some silly formal event where I get to witness everyone having sex with clothes, so I get to participate in a silly little ceremony where I wear a crown that means nothing to me, taking it away from someone that truly wanted it. I also was forced to spend money to purchase a ticket, plus I'm now expected to find a date, and was literally laughed at when I told people that I would be driving to the event with my mother, and I would not be staying for the entire time. I was yelled at because I refused to go on a "party bus" with someone. They expect me to pay $50 and already made reservations for me and had all of these arrangements, assuming I would say yes because I don't know why. They didn't take any thought into "I wonder what Brian wants!", they just expected me to follow their goals. I was told, upon denying the request to be on the party bus "You are a dissapointment to me, Brian."

Going later, I'm in 6th period today (I don't have an official 6th period, so I was in the band room), and I'm approached by two people, who ask me to be in their video. I have to chase someone around the school and make a fool of myself. I tell them no. They keep on asking. I keep telling them no. They eventually grab me and drag me outside, where I'm forced to be a part of the video. I gave suggestions of who would be willing, but they said "No. Brian. You have to do this." I'm sitting outside, on my phone, looking generally pissed off. One of the people ask me "Are you mad?" I reply "Hell fucking yeah." They reply with "Oh. . . but you know you HAVE to do this."

Why do I have to do that? I didn't want to do it. I never agreed to anything. Why didn't you think about what I wanted? I bet if anybody else said no, you'd be completely ok with it. But no, because I'm "Mr. Social", I'm forced to be assumed that I want to do everything and that I'm completely self-serving.

To add onto the list, I'm now forced to join some person's "birthday group", where I have to learn some silly dance and attend MULTIPLE REHERSALS as well as the actual event to be around people that I DON'T KNOW for a person that quite honestly pisses the shit out of me, and every time I see her, she gives me this look of dissapointment. Plus I have to find ways to arrange transportation as well as probably pay for clothes and stuff, but I'm forced to do it anyways be others.

Why does society have to expect so much out of people? Why am I expected to fill all of these molds that society makes? Why me? I liked it better than I was hated. That's why I act so stupid here, so people won't really care for me so much. It's so liberating. I'm not forced to do anything. I have freedom. In the real world, I am told what I need to do, why I can and can't do. . . I just want to be free. I want to be able to make my own choices. I want people, when I say no, to not bug or pester me, but to listen to me and actually think about my thoughts for once. I spend so much time helping others, but I want to have choices for myself for once. I want to be my own person.

Which brings me into another point. Gender Roles. The things I hate the most.

I've had growing transgender thoughts for quite a while now. The feminine lifestyle just seems so liberating. As a man, I am expected to be strong, I am expected to be dominant, I am expected to be a leader, I am expected to know how to fix cars and love guns and never cry ever. I was told by someone that "You are a man. You must always be the strong one in the family." after I broke down crying when I heard that one of my best friends was in the hospital. I hate it. I hate everything about it. Men are required to do so much, be so dominant, fit certain trends. . .

Sexually, men have such a disadvantage. I am seen as a complete creep at my school. Girls will refuse to hug me or even so much as have any physical contact with me because they think I will do bad things to them. I have never done anything to anyone, but because of my physical appearance, I am seen as a creep. Also, I have to be the dominant one in all relationships. I have to be the one to actually ask people out, pay for everything, put in all of the effort, and if I so much as complain once, I am tossed aside (*cough* like my ex did to me *cough*). I'm nothing special as a guy. Even in terms of fashion, men simply wear clothes just for the sake of covering up. I am not beautiful or gracious, I'm just a machine.

I have to be dominant. So many times, I want to cry. I want to cuddle up in my covers with all of my stuffed animals and cry about everything negative in my life. But I can't. I want to be hugged. I want to be snuggled and cuddled and called pretty and beautiful. But I can't. . . because gender roles say that I have to be dominant. I can't be hugged ever. I can't show myself off as weak, or I'm not masculine, and seen as less than human.

I really don't want to get a gender change. . . but it seems like the only way to really be treated the way I want to. With the feminine lifestyle, I am beautiful, I am important, I can be submissive, I can be hugged, I can have everything I've ever dreamed. Society says that ok. I can say so many things that I can't when I'm a guy. I can be more physical with people and I won't be seen as a pervert. I can be more open about my sexual desires, and I'm just seen as a "hot horny girl" instead of "a sick pervert"

But society makes us fit into these little pockets of what is right. I try to escape, but society just pushes me back in. I'm so weak. . . I'm too weak. . . I want to be happy. The world pressures me to fit into a square peg, and all I want to do is be round.

I don't expect anything more than for people to be like "lol tl;dr shut the fuck up fag", and to have this thread locked and wastelanded as soon as possible, but you know, it'd nice to type. It's liberating, honestly, to be able to just write out your opinions when your thoughts just can't handle them anymore, and you have nobody you trust enough to really talk to.

why does society have to push me so much. why can't I be strong.

i just want to be free.

cdfa has aired a part of himself that most people are too afraid to express publicly, and as such, this thread will be treated with a modicrum of respect. if you troll, don't expect to find yourself able to login tomorrow. i'm formulating a response to this which i will post in a few moments.

give no shits. you may think it is all upon you to mediate and enable the social activities and relationships of your peers, but it is not, and they are using your nature to enable their own activities. this is not an issue with you.

as far as gender roles go, i think you have a warped conception of what it is to be male. what society would like you to think is intrinsically male is so far removed from what most men are actually like that it is almost like some subverted theater act. you are living in a world of actors doing their first and last performance, and you will find that people are the least honest with themselves when they are around other people. people act with good intent that is warped by social vices into hidden pressure that they could never begin to feel. it could very well be the case that those people supporting you simply want you to be happy. they feel like they are working out on a limb to help you live your dream, when it simply isn't the case. talk to each person and express this to them - that you thank them for your support, but you are truly uninterested in the role and would earnestly love to see someone else who actually wants to do that in the role. dialogue is important - especially when it is not reactionary. it may be difficult to speak to people, but i absolutely encourage you to try and iron this out with people as individuals in your own time rather than simply wishing it will disappear, because it probably will not.

that is why high school is complete shit, and why you should walk with it as you have to, then leave it behind. if you feel that your gender is a misaligned part of yourself, take steps to fix it. there are numerous initiatives and foundations dedicated towards dealing with gender dysphoria, and your school counselor should be able to point you towards a few - if not, a youth group in your area will likely know of a few local clinics. becoming comfortable with yourself is the first step to being able to assert yourself as an individual, and it seems like you need that more than anything else right now.

should you need to speak to someone privately at any point about these things, hit me up with a PM and i'll see what I can do for you.

This sounds like a year one college course on the social sciences.

High school can be hell for people and that is just life. It can be tough at times for everyone is different ways ranging from social roles to identity issues (which I went through). All I really can say is take graduating as a new start in life. Whether you be going to university, work force, or what ever, take that as a chapter in life, a chapter which you take control of and say "fuck it, I'm gonna do what I love!"

Could say more but got an exam in 7 hrs :/ Just be yourself when you are going to start university (or what ever you do) It worked for me. I use to hide a side of me that no one knew about during high school, now 3 years later life is okay for me, love what I'm doing in school, got a girlfriend of 2 years now and got a steady job.

basically, high school is horrible and university/college/work are so much better in so many ways. i would not sit through a year of highschool again if someone paid me an inordinate amount of money to do so. in the right university, people are simply themselves and give 0 fucks about what the person either side of them is doing. people take off the masks for a little while and simply do what they want to do with their lives.

As long as I've lived, it sadden's me on how society looks at things such as this for either male or female from then till now where simple logical meanings become distorted by what "the public" look at as "good" or "bad". Just saying one thing can make a group of people shut you down or harass you for who you are, or even try to hurt you over petty stupid things from how close-minded they are because of the extreme lack of insight or understanding of what that person is going through. But you can't let people mold you into something you're not either. You have to also think for yourself too since it is your life. Just don't let the negative things pile up against you. I know that feeling too well when I was in High School. Seriously, it was depressing.

Ephemeral wrote:

give no shits.

This is one key point you should take away from this. High school is a joke in comparison with university. Everything is literally nothing once you walk across that stage in June. All your "friends"? The true ones will stay, say six months after you graduate. I know what you're experiencing with social expectations, I went through it too, I believe we all have. Maybe not to the same extent as you, but you need to learn how to say no. Put your foot down, be clear and concise on what you want.

As said above, HS is a joke compared to university. Give it a few more months, then you'll realize how fast things change, and how free you are to do what you want, when you want, how you want to do it. It's a big step and a big difference from high school, but oh boy, is it quite nice.

As Ephemeral also noted, if you ever need to speak to someone, feel free to leave me a PM anytime, even if it's just a friendly conversation. We've known each other for quite some time now, but I didn't know you felt like this.

Be strong. You're nearly at the end of your high school career. Also for future responses in this thread, you will be watched. Be warned, trolling won't be taken lightly.

Personally I am quite pissed about how we need to work nonstop for almost nothing. We do work for half a day and once we return our homes, we are too tired to do anything cool. So basically the normal day cycle is; wake up -> drink coffee -> go to work -> return home -> eat -> be too tired to make awesome stuff -> sleep -> repeat. The worst part is that once you get money from your work, you lose tons of that money on stupid shit like bills and tax. This means we have to work for like 20-30 years; maybe even longer nonstop for something we have may dreamed of. However, sadly this will never get fixed because that would destroy the whole economy.

I just want to travel around the world before my heart explodes. With this income, it will be impossible. I feel you CDFA, even if our worries are a bit different; but our point is the same - lack of freedom sucks.

A bit offtopic, but hell.

Good text, CDFA. Good text.

It seems to me that you need to grow some backbones when it comes to your 'friends'. I would've personally told those retards to piss off and walked away. If you keep tolerating other people's shit you'll become merely a puppet in society.

I can't say much about transgenders, but again, you need to stop caring about what society wants from you. If you feel like crying, do so. There's no shame in that. Those who say so are insecure brainwashed marionettes.

Well, that was a good read, albeit quite long - I just skimmed over it, reading the parts that I could relate to. A bit personal but very interesting. And I'll say it honestly, it makes me glad to have grown socially awkward and unable to have physical contact with other people, even shaking hands to say hello. I'm glad to be stuck in my own bubble where other people don't exist, at least I avoid these problems.

As far as gender identity goes, I kind of agree with what you said. I am not a psychologist, and I am not outstandingly helpful when it comes to personal issues, but feel free to come talk to me about these, I'll help as best I can. You might think I'm just doing this to feel better about myself, or to make you have a better opinion of this, but think whatever you want. If you need help, or just an ear to talk to, I'm offering mine.

I'll have to disagree with dkun and Ephemeral here: university made it much worse for me in terms of social role and being comfortable with myself.

I'm not sure if there's anything I can say to help you at least feel better, so I'll just leave my deep respect here. I wouldn't have dared writing this kind of thing, not even to my psychologist. You've grown.

I can hardly say that being female seems all that liberating to me.

it's less the act of actually being female that is liberating so much as being able to persist in an identity that you see within yourself but are externally not equivalent to, if that makes sense

Oh, I know what transgender is, but it seems that there are some rose-tinted opinions about how much better it is to be a woman.

I actually chose to isolate myself from others in highschool. I got made fun of, but small price to pay really. I couldn't stand being with the people I was in high school with. This way it saved me a lot of trouble but I wouldn't call it a perfect solution since now that I am studying at the university, I find out that I'm still really isolated, almost unwillingly so. It doesn't matter to me too much since I've always been a lone wolf, but I still think I could try bonding more, but for some reason my old fears come back to haunt me and I can't do it.

I am surprised that I've read the entire thread and all the long texts - and I am surprised that young people (that are still within their adolescence) have such problems with arranging themselves in their current situation.
Generally I think it's hard to arrange themselves to situations you must stay in (here: apparantly high school) and I can totally relate to the above written description.
My homosexuality made it very tough to sustain high school for me, since I was not fulfilling any gender role of a man, clearly not trying to impress women, being way more talkative and sensitive. I'd like to add that my origin is from a very conservative catholic region in Germany, so it made stuff way more difficult for me.
At the beginning it was hard to stand all the insults and things that have been done to me (e.g. people threw bottles of beer after me or bashing me up). But you always need to learn that you need to defend yourself and the way you are. (and from my side I didn't always choose the "talking way" to defend it)

People will always try to push you into roles, since it's their concept and they do not understand that their concept isn't the only one working (especially when you are surrounded by youngsters of your age, because they lack of experience). They are afraid and can't arrange with people that do not fit this normative frame. They didn't encounter different concepts yet, so it's hard to call them "okay".
All I can suggest to you is "stay the way you are", basically what Ephemeral said: "give no shits".

You only need to justify the way you are to one person: yourself.
If you want to cry, cry, if you want to cuddle, cuddle. Everyone who isn't accepting the way you behave isn't deserving to be with you or enjoy your presence.

My highschool years were great, I went to a good school and made some close friends. Never had a fear or dislike of high school, sometimes I'd even look forward to going. Those were the most social years of my life. Now I'm in University, finding myself more isolated and alone. I'm unwilling to make friends and generally reject just about everyone except for my closest friends. Many think my life is boring or dull but from my point of view I get my work done and I enjoy myself immensely. I feel I don't need many friends or people around me and that I can be independent. In my first year of Uni the stress of being alone affected me but since then I've adapted to being alone and I feel that it's better in multiple ways. I think my high self-esteem is what causes me to still feel great despite how isolated I am. My fitness has also decreased considerably since highschool where I was heavily involved in sports and social activity. Nowadays I'm much more lazy and less inclined to go outside feeling that I have everything I need to enjoy myself inside. I like to think that I'm more of a lone fox than a lone wolf seeing as wolves aren't supposed to be alone, they stick in packs and do almost everything together. Foxes are more indepedent creatures that can fend for themselves and tend to live alone. My ability to justify everything I do or feel might just become my downfall one day.

Ultimately I think having good self esteem is crucial in life. It builds self-belief and confidence and helps me significantly in my day-to-day life.

And no that has nothing to do with m'username.

Nevermind, I'll follow what dulcet and wojjan said. If you're still curious what was in here you can PM me.

Yes, the current society forces you to adapt and alter who and how you are, and through these you are assigned certain roles, tasks and expectations, and of course to withhold your social status you're obliged to follow them all. However, how you form and create yourself is up to yourself to decide and you are not in any way obliged to make a stereotype or do as you're asked to. I as well have had a lot of issues back in my school days. Despite what you might think, I've been in similar positions as you have, that in the sense of having to pretend to live up to everybody's standards. I do regret some of it, some people I've gotten to know, some things I've experienced, some of those weren't that great and certainly not worth the whole pretend game, but I did learn this one very important thing; Live for yourself.

It's great to care for your friends and family and nobody is telling you not to, but in the end, all of them also live only for themselves and to keep their own life and happiness. Every way of kindness, affection, doing somebody a favor, raising a child, it''s ultimately not only for them, but for your own as well. Don't dedicate your life to satisfy others. You may have a lot to give and do, but nobody can give forever with nothing in return, and you can not and shouldn't ever expect anything more but the satisfactory of doing someone good.

Think about how much you value what you get in return for all that you do, and decide for yourself whether or not it is it worth. There are of course things and privileges to lose if you stop to pretend, but try and you'll see that there are also a lot of other things to gain.

I had a pretty horrible day today, so I won't be able to spend the time to reply to everyone since I just don't have the energy to do so.

However, I appreciate so much all of the words that I've read. One of my biggest fears, though, is that what if college isn't different than high school. From what I've seen, my college is pretty much filled with rich white girls and jocky buff guys (aka High School). I've already made plans to transfer in case plans fail because I'm so worried.

But it's a lot harder being said than done for ignoring others. I'm not sure how people do it. Like, when I tell people "no, I don't want to do this", I'm pestered so much. How do people just be like "no" and then the other party is like "ok"

CDFA wrote:

I had a pretty horrible day today, so I won't be able to spend the time to reply to everyone since I just don't have the energy to do so.

However, I appreciate so much all of the words that I've read. One of my biggest fears, though, is that what if college isn't different than high school. From what I've seen, my college is pretty much filled with rich white girls and jocky buff guys (aka High School). I've already made plans to transfer in case plans fail because I'm so worried.

But it's a lot harder being said than done for ignoring others. I'm not sure how people do it. Like, when I tell people "no, I don't want to do this", I'm pestered so much. How do people just be like "no" and then the other party is like "ok"

I'm sorry to hear that you had a pretty bad day. College is different. Don't judge it until you actually go. Also, "rich white girls and jockey buff guys" is just the minority when you go to college. There will be people similar to you, people that understand your situation! You'll make new friends, and it'll be better.

Ignoring people is easier than you think. If you say no, no is no. Let them know that is it by putting your foot down about it. It's not your fault that you ignore someone if they keep pestering you. You need to understand that you can't give everyone what they want. As selfish as it may sound, put yourself before others.

dkun wrote:

CDFA wrote:

I had a pretty horrible day today, so I won't be able to spend the time to reply to everyone since I just don't have the energy to do so.

However, I appreciate so much all of the words that I've read. One of my biggest fears, though, is that what if college isn't different than high school. From what I've seen, my college is pretty much filled with rich white girls and jocky buff guys (aka High School). I've already made plans to transfer in case plans fail because I'm so worried.

But it's a lot harder being said than done for ignoring others. I'm not sure how people do it. Like, when I tell people "no, I don't want to do this", I'm pestered so much. How do people just be like "no" and then the other party is like "ok"

I'm sorry to hear that you had a pretty bad day. College is different. Don't judge it until you actually go. Also, "rich white girls and jockey buff guys" is just the minority when you go to college. There will be people similar to you, people that understand your situation! You'll make new friends, and it'll be better.

Ignoring people is easier than you think. If you say no, no is no. Let them know that is it by putting your foot down about it. It's not your fault that you ignore someone if they keep pestering you. You need to understand that you can't give everyone what they want. As selfish as it may sound, put yourself before others.

The really ironic thing is that people tell me that a LOT, to put myself before others. Then proceed to not let me do that once I decided to actually start doing it.

And I'm being careful about not judging. The music students that I've met are AMAZING, I felt so comfortable talking about them, and they were really funny, but the Facebook people give me a different view. It's hard, though, lol. But I'm hoping it all works out :3.

I feel so lucky having no presence plus no hate towards me from peers. I never take for granted how peaceful my life is, but reading this just widens that.

To start honestly: I would not have expected a thread like this to turn out this good, as in terms of people's responses - you may consider me sort of 'happified', in some ways.

So there I go now, responding to this:


I may say from my personal experience that the system or "believe" of society, especially in terms of identification, is (or at least tends to be) kinda binary and forcing, unwilling to take compromises for the sake of the people involved in it.
Bullies, stereotypical bosses (which are no different from bullies, just that they do have the moneys and are more "grown out"), racists, homophobics and all the likes - you see them and you know them; but let's see it this way - you do not have to be one of them.
They and the system around them may, even subconsciously, try to pressure you into adjusting to their desires or views, as you probably know from your own experience.

There always are groups, or parties - what we get to see the most, especially during adolescence and related "studying facilities", are just the most apparent, and I deem this an important point to know. There are these people that would love to just exchange you for a person like them, there are these people that are trying to mold you into a shape and there are those people that believe they know you like noone else does - but there also are those that may really get to know you, sympathize and blend with you, to say, be your family, and for these, you have to keep going, at any cost, if that is truly your desire (which I think it is).

Many words to get cut down:

• You are yourself and you know what you want.
  Do not let people pressure you to do otherwise.
  Keep going for what you really want.
  Do not settle with what you do not enjoy.
  Never back down.

/me hugs

I would have loved to write more... hope I'll get to it sometime ;A;
PM me, you.




...yes, I am tsundere :/




...and I am bad at putting my feels into words

I think there's a bit of a "grass is greener" effect when it comes to gender roles. You're so fixated on escaping the injustices of your gender role that you fail to notice the injustices of the other.

CDFA: It must've taken a lot of courage to say the things you said in here, and I respect that.

mm201, if I may interfere here: Many people like to see it like that ("grass is greener on the other side of the fence"), but there's actually also these who see it more like "the grass may not be greener, but I like sour more than spicy", if you get me.

Unsure who is on which side but w/e, just as a try to make this thought a bit more apparent or smth?

That's the view I already take. (And let's not ruin the thread with a weird one-sided debate)

Marcin wrote:

I'm going to treat this, as confess thread + Story of your lives.
And to help you, I'm going to post my story.
I've spent WHOLE day on it, just to write it.
I hope you enjoy.
If you read the whole, do what I wrote at the end.

link removed under request

Warning - 39k of lines.
Sorry for my english sometimes, I just can't express myself.
And I think, it's actually worth reading - you can learn... something.... or not....

I've read your story. The whole thing.

I did enjoy reading, I was interested in the stories. I could also know how you felt, I was alone a lot in Middle School, though I did find friends to talk to. It's real hard to find someone who wants to be a "true" or good friend.

.....I've got to say, Mayumi definitely seems like a bitch, or Szmatui as you said.

Really, thanks for sharing your experiences. ^^

.

High school is almost always a place where people put on airs and graces. At my first high school, I was studious and able to get along with people by being my usual, weird self. There was certainly an expectancy for me to be a top-drawer student and perform at assemblies and the like, but then things started to go wrong towards the end of that school and I ended up in tears because I felt that I'd fallen short. After moving high schools, it was basically crap. It seemed that everybody was self-absorbed, had their own agendas and generally had fairly rigid personalities.

High school is more or less education and socialisation for the sake of it. Everybody is pigeon-holed into their own boxes and, from my perspective, the only options are to either sit it out in these boxes or go underground to do one's own thing until it's all over. It doesn't really matter if you can't live up to people's expectations or make people take a hint. People are either going to love you or hate you on a whim and that sort of mindset will stick. College ought to be a fairly different experience, because by then, many people have grown up.

Really, if your "role" hasn't faded by college, then exhibiting your real self to people ought to make them see you differently if you don't let yourself fall into their expectations. With higher education in particular, there ought to be times when you can be you and times when you can play up--for example, as I'm on a music course, I can be quiet when I want to be and then more outspoken during classes and performances.

I suggest that you take advantage of your position by making yourself as well-rounded a personality as possible. Be terse with people and stand up for yourself if you're being jerked around too much, but show that you can still be caring and outgoing when people treat you properly. Even if it turns you into a perceived asshole, you'll be a fun person to those who are worth your time.

Funny, maybe it's because I just started high school, but my middle school years were hell.

I'll skip the melodramatic 6th grade and 7th grade "love," though I will say that I got dumped by a guy that I "loved" because his friends made fun of him for dating me, which ultimately, put me in the situation I got in in the 8th grade.


So, what was the point of this story? I don't want everyone to feel bad for me. Maybe it's just an excuse to let this hell of a nightmare out in the open for once. I guess my point is -- social expectation can destroy you, physically and mentally. And today, I'm learning to not care. I don't and can't care anymore what anyone here thinks. Because if I do, it'll destroy me like it did last summer. I don't want a repeat of that, no one would. Social expectation is bullshit. Wasn't always, but I'm pretty sure it always will be. It makes me glad to know people have broken out of it, because honestly, it's a terrible thing. And if it gets to the wrong person, it can send them straight down a road of hell.

Oh yeah, just as a final note -- I hate people, a lot. There are some people out there that I hate more than anything for their betrayal, cruelness, suicide advancing words, and much more towards me. I'd consider them my worst enemy. I wouldn't wish an eating disorder on my worst enemy.

i failed to get into the university i chose in highschool, while my now-fiancee (then-girlfriend) managed to get in. she went to the orientation/introduction session for that university and came back the most depressed i've ever seen her to date. apparently despite scoring high enough on her entrance exams, said uni required a minimum of 2-3 years in a completely arbitrary course before she -might- get the chance to do the degree she actually wanted to do. the place was filled with pretentious international students and there was a prevalent atmosphere of "if you're doing anything other than economics or engineering you're a subhuman".

i applied for my "dog's choice" and got in (considering i was like 10-20/100 points above the cutoff it was almost a given) and was expecting the place to be complete shit and instead have been met with a burdgeoning powerhouse of a university that legitimately cares about its students and has a thriving co-habitat between students of 5-6 dramatically different degrees - the psychology, arts, music, engineering, economics and health students all get along and work together in a sense i could never have dreamed of after hearing about my fiancee's experience with my first choice.

in the end, i am glad i fucked up. if i hadn't and had actually got into that shitty university instead, i'd be a different person - a more miserable, morose and angry person most likely. sometimes second best turns out to actually be the best choice, so just let life take you where it will.

Pfft, due to major procrastination on my part I went beyond "dog's choice" and ended up at a Community and Technical College. I got in the 96th percentile on one of the USA's two major standardized college entrance exams so clearly I didn't belong there, would be miserable, would be "AAAAH!", etc.

Turned out to be the perfect fit - while the liberal art-ish courses are easy-peasy, the harder math and science courses are actually uni-level and designed for students planning to transfer - speaking of which, this school has a very strong transfer program. It also gave me plenty of room to grow the fuck up, which it turns out I desperately needed. I'll eventually be transferring for a CSCI degree, too. I was actually going to go for engineering but I eventually realized that Computer Science was a much better fit. Good thing I learned that before I got knee-deep in engineering courses. >_>

Anyways, CDFA, what's happening to you is that your school is seeing you as some sort of "adorable" puppet. Remember how the girls more or less avoid you? That should be a very telling sign of what the school actually thinks of you. It's not that rare, really - a bunch of people in the school pick some "loser" to be a sort of icon. They don't actually like him that much - they just find him amusing and find treating him as an icon sort of funny. There are definitely some people who genuinely like you, but they aren't the ones who are insisting that you do shit you clearly don't want to do.

The reason these people are insisting that you be in their video and shit is because their video "needs" the school "icon" to be "cool". It's not because they like you *that* much, it's because these people feel the need to shove the "icon" in their video because they think it'd be both "in" and funny. Yes, it's cynical, but it's the harsh truth. However, once you realize this you can focus on making real friends and not trying to please these frauds.

That said, unless you go to some really horrible college you shouldn't have too much trouble making genuine friends.

Nice thread here. I'm not as well-known as most of the people who have posted in this thread, but I'll sling some words while I'm in the neighborhood. If you've ever wondered "who the shit is this soaper guy", now's a good chance to learn a thing or two. Note that this is more about the school/social aspect and less about the gender aspect, which doesn't apply enough to me for me to say anything on the matter that hasn't been said already. Alright, so it's less of that and more of a quick "life story"... read it, skip it, put it in an email and forward it to your folks, it's all good.

Grade school was a pretty miserable experience for me. I was an academic genius compared to everyone around me, but the outsidership that came with that left me with a hefty helping of social ineptitude. Being gifted early on also gave me quite the ego, and that ended up hurting me big throughout the years. While children aren't renowned for their empathy, I was particularly deficient. I just couldn't fathom that people wouldn't want to be friends with a self-centered prick who thinks he's better than everyone else and whines when he doesn't get his way! I did manage to get a friendship going once in a while, but most of those got wrecked because my family moved a lot.

Between my freshman and sophomore years, two things happened. One is that we moved, and the other is that I got my own computer with internet access (before that, I'd used the family computer for my internet needs). Reading websites for my favorite games led me to various forums, where I got a golden opportunity to witness social interactions between people from around the world. You'd be amazed at how much someone can be helped by getting some insight into how others think. I saw people getting mocked, and then I saw myself in those people. It was like a big "how to be liked/not be liked" tutorial and I was taking notes as hard as I could.

After I thought I had the hang of things, I decided to start participating in a forum. That forum was at starmen.net, an Earthbound website that's still around today, though I no longer post there. Things went smoothly and it wasn't long before I was starting to get friendly with a few people. After a while, someone from the site started an IRC channel to discuss the still hot new game Super Smash Bros. Melee. Seeing the thread about, I decided to join this #melee and give it a try. #melee also still exists today, and I am currently the owner of that channel.

On the realer side of things, school was going... alright. I wasn't really ridiculed at this new school but I didn't blend in with any groups either. I sat at one of several lunch tables without a real pattern to it. I was "just there". Hey, that's an improvement over before! Some of my newly-acquired social acumen from the internet ended up being transferrable to real life, too, and I found myself starting to actually somewhat get along with people. Though I never got away from feeling like an outsider, I picked up a hat I can wear when I need to work the "respectable human being" job.

While real life was going alright, life online was going great. #melee slowly grew to a rather active small channel and I befriended just about everyone in there. We also had a healthy supply of trolls to keep things lively. Having been promoted to an operator pretty quickly after the channel was founded, I got some real experience in dealing with people here.

High school was nearing an end, and I was looking into colleges. My ambitions were high at first. However, I ended up settling for a smaller school. See, I was lucky enough to read about the cost of attending college before attending college, and to have a decent enough grasp on the value of money to know that spending so much on college is an idea that can turn out very, very bad. Anyway, time passed and so did I. High school was over with.

I graduated high school almost a decade ago. Today, I remain in regular contact with a grand total of one person I knew before then. I'm still friends with maybe two or three of them (i.e. have their phone number or some way of contacting them). Everyone else is gone and/or forgotten.

Most of us in #melee at the time were fairly close in age. A few others among us had also graduated high school. We got the most brilliant idea: why not do a road trip and meet each other? What could possibly go wrong? After maybe a couple weeks of planning and scrounging up of money, a friend of mine (who I had invited to #melee some time before. same friend I'm still in touch with today btw) and I got in his truck and embarked on a trip around the eastern US to meet people we knew online. Nobody's parents were thrilled at the idea but we did it anyway. This turned out to be a magical experience. So many injokes were born that week. More importantly, I found out I could be the cool dude in real life that I was online and actually be fun to be with.

College went nicely. Most of the people I went to high school with either went to other colleges or went to the same one but took no classes with me, so it was as good as a totally new environment for me. Being in a dorm got me my first taste of living on my own, and being in classes with people who actually were somewhat like me gave me the launch pad I needed to blast off. Especially after the first year or so of "core classes" that everyone has to take, things got nice. While I'm not in contact with many of the people I went to college with, either (I do work with one, though), the experience was much better.

I have maintained friendships with the majority of people I met in #melee and visited on the road trip. We're still varying distances apart physically, but these are people I could be out of touch with for years and still be good friends with when we meet again by chance down the road. We've all become better people because of each other.

The self-centered prick is dead. He doesn't exist anymore. While there are still faint traces of the original design in the new model, the change has been nothing short of revolutionary and the world is glad it upgraded to the newer, better me.

I guess what I want to say to you through all of this is that you, too, shall die and be reborn as a new model with kung-fu action, adventuring in a world that has undergone a similar transformation. Nobody knows when it'll happen or how instant or gradual it will be. But you are not the same person you will be in a few years, and you're even notter the same person you'll be after that.

Shit's still going to suck while you're in high school. Endure it. Things will get better. Part of what drove me to write this is that I see some of myself in you, and I know how I came out. If things go even halfway as well for you as they did for me, you'll be sitting pretty soon enough. Sitting pretty in your own chair, on your own terms.

Just remember to put on your hat before walking into the rain.

yyyyyyyyyep, this post is every bit as messy as any other longish post I make. If things seem messy or out of order, sorry about that. My stream of consciousness is less a stream and more one of those vortex fountain things. There's surely stuff I could edit into this post to make it flow better but it's long enough already.

Oh, I know! CDFA, when you go to college bring along this game:

http://cardsagainsthumanity.com/

Join a club or something, make a few friends, and then play this game with them out in a public area. It shouldn't take too long for you to find people at your college who are just as fucked up as you are. Playing a game as fucked up as this one in public will also help you learn that there are plenty of situations where it's O.K. to not give a shit about social norms and to be yourself - you hear that all the time, of course, but it's hard to understand that until you play a game like this one out in public and notice that pretty much everybody is either interested in what you're doing or doesn't really give a shit.

EDIT: This game isn't appropriate for High School, though, so you'll have to wait a bit.

I'm not sure if it's the same in the US as Canada, but I'll give my point of view here.

To be 'loved' in high school for no reason is probably the exact opposite of my final year in high school (I stayed back for a fifth year to raise my grades so I graduated with a different group than I grew up with), as I was hated for some unknown reason. I was not strong either - not being aggressive at all and not being brave to tell people off is the same as me.

That whole prom thing - you have some real jerks among your school to force you into things, especially something like a Prom King type of thing.
You think in a way I do - it's taking the opportunity away from someone else that truly wanted it... where's the logic? And them telling you that you're a disappointment? They're telling you that, when you could tell the whole school that, I really don't see where they got that from.

Good on you to give suggestions for the video - it shows you're making an attempt.
"You know you HAVE to do this"... seriously? Why? I honestly want to know their logic there.

To end off your social expectations part: You're right, why does society expect so much from people? Society, in general, doesn't expect much aside from 'do your work, pay your bills, etc'... your school society is broken... I just don't know where everything came from. Pushy, jerks who force things on you? Hell yeah, I'd be pissed too! Don't take what your high school is, and apply it to the outside world. It simply does not function that way. When you say 'no' to something, that should be the end of that. I know a lot of people at my university who constantly bugged me to go out drinking / clubbing... I say no because I'm uncomfortable with such. End of discussion. Saying 'no' to anything that you feel uncomfortable with, should NEVER be a problem. If you're working and you feel lifting something that is too heavy for you (real life case at a job of mine a while ago), you have the right to say no.
I know the feeling of putting time towards others, but still wanting your own time, I understand that.


I'm not a fan of gender roles either, you are not different than me.
As a man, you are expected to be the dominant person, a leader, not cry, and all that other stuff.
Two things that my dad 'wants' me to do is 1: Learn about cars and 2: Work out, both of which I despise (however, I still do respect the people that enjoy both). The society logic of: 'This is how a man 'should' be', simply pisses me off. I want to be me. Like you said, it's about freedom.

I've never been in a relationship, so I can't really offer much help on that front, aside from what I actually 'feel'. And one point I point towards is that if you complain once, you shouldn't be tossed aside. I get what you mean - as pointed out earlier when you said you're passive - I figure that one complaint might've been hard to say.
"Having" to be dominant is completely crap (and in some cases, society might think it strange if the guy isn't older than the girl... who cares whose older?). I actually had to watch a video in my high school health class once class the "Tough Guise" which basically talked about some of those gender roles - how guys have to be tough and all that, and how students would them names if they weren't being perceived as such.
Trust me, I know the feeling of wanting to cry and cuddle in the covers - my university life was 100% hell and that's perfectly how I felt too - so I know the feeling. You can be who you want to be. If it's because of that, that people deem you as less human, then maybe you can deal with that? If people said that to me, I wouldn't care, if in fact, that is the threshold to be 'less human'.

Society regulates how people 'should' be and I really do think that it needs to stop as well. The 'norm' or 'majority' does NOT mean everyone.
I'm a very frequent blogger and I've mentioned so many times how I hate being a minority in so many areas. It's one of those problems that I feel is in society, yet it's not something you can really change.

You can be strong. You can be free.

With all this being said, I really do hope the outside world gives you more of a fighting chance than your high school society does, at being you. You obviously know where you're comfortable - ie: your clubs and the band. So take that with you when you decide to go to university / college / wherever your life takes you. I know around here, concert bands get at least a decent amount of support and maybe look into one post-high school in your (new) community (ie: wherever you go after high school). Know who your friends are, and stick with them. And if you feel you can't trust them, try making friends in those clubs you say you join. I highly encourage joining a fun club of some form should you go off to university or college - people starting off there are in the same boat as you (wanting to make new friends, trust some new faces).
I think it's really great that you posted this. Like I said, I'm a frequent blogger and throughout my rough university life, blogging was a great way to vent my frustration towards the broken society that was in my university. So good on you. =)

Stay strong!

.

I wasn't going to post as I'm not really positively contributing anything to the thread but reading all of these posts by people has been very interesting and in some cases, quite emotional. It's quite amazing how diverse people's lives are and to find out more about them/what they've been through.

CDFA - let me just tell you 1 thing, high school doesn't last forever. Once you leave, things WILL be better in one way or another. My time at high school has been absolutely shit and I'm so excited to leave. I used to hate people, thinking that everyone in the world is like the people who attend my School. 2 years ago, I was blessed to be able to actively involve myself with people outside of School who are mainly older and I realised my cynical viewing of the world wasn't the truth but due to becoming close-minded due to only being able to involve myself with those people at School my views got distorted. I honestly wish you the best of luck but stay strong during these last weeks/months, it will be worth it. You can be yourself, those who won't let you be yourself aren't worth your time, company or friendship. There are/will be people out there who appreciate and love you for who you are. It may sound cheesy but that's the truth.