Alright faggots, in light of me not having the dedication or time to make a proper series of story threads, I'm gonna try something different.



ONCE upon a time in a distant yet prosperous land, a horrible catastrophe appeared. Ancient warlocks summoned horrors to terrorize the land for their own selfish reasons. Miasma covered entire countrysides, monsters leveled entire cities, and wars broke out amongst men. Roads were locked down, entire populations were wiped out, and disease spread out like wildfire. Divided and weakened, the people of the land started to slowly die off as newcomers traveled to said land, all with different intents in mind. Some came to help the land in its plight, others came to loot and reap what they could before, and a few others simply came to watch it all burn.

THIS is your story, of a traveler visiting this dying land—the land of Uff Topia.

Well then, let's begin.


YOUR name is Cornelius Rusl the Wirthlest Brit. You came to this land in hopes for... Something. You're not entirely sure. All you know is that your family disowned you for raping your sister and shagging sheep, and that you have nothing to lose. You came here with nothing but a horse, a sword, and some provisions.

The only thing you're missing is a course of action.

[] Head to the capital
[] Drop by the nearby village
[] Take a shit on the road
[] Hide behind some bushes and wait for people you can jump

Go to the nearby village.

^ that one

Don't be a faggot and head to the capital.

Take a shit on the road

disappointed theres no options to shoot some hoops.
however
[x] Hide behind some bushes and wait for people you can jump

Head to the capital.

Head to the capital might be a bit hum... sudden, so nope.

Granger wrote:

Go to the nearby village.

"I SPOT A VILLAGE!" You bellow at some indescribably tiny mounds on the horizon. You flop around the reins on your horse, not entirely sure what you're doing.

Wallace, your surprisingly attentive horse, takes this as his cue to start moving his legs. He follows the main road for a while before cutting through the plains, following a dirt path into the unknown.

You arrive to a small settlement as twilight sinks in and dyes the world a bleak red. You immediately spot a bell tower over the small homes, casting a long shadow over the area as the sun sets. A small but sturdy wooden fence circles the village; the plains' tall grass shortens down to about an ankle's height as you get closer; and the voices of townspeople and animals can be heard.

Not wanting to spend the night out in the dark, you immediately stop by the inn near the village entrance.

You tie your horse by the inn, but you don't know how to tie knots, so Wallace does it himself. He's reliable like that.


"Aye schwmae!" you greet the innkeeper as you step inside.

"'Ello, guv." The innkeeper replies as he takes his eyes off a ledger and gets up behind the counter. You walk up to the counter as you pull out about seven gold coins.

"I'll take a night here, some warm food, and the local gossip."

"Aye aye, gotcha cover'd." The innkeeper pulls out a key from below the counter. "Whatcha want ta know?"

"Anything a traveler would be interested in."

"Ah, well, there's not much out here. Little miasma to deal with, barely any dangers. There is a vampire at the bottom of the bell tower though. Nobody knows what it wants but it's there. The local lord might have some business for a traveler like ye though."

"Hm..."

"I have ta ask, are ye from the United Kingdom of Britannia?"

"Huh, yea, I am Cornelius, not so proud Brit. I like playing games involving objects that bounce a lot."

"Glad to see another man like ya around here; ye can stay as long as ye want here!"

You hand the keeper another gold coin and thank him for the information. You grab the key to your room and head upstairs, pondering on what you should do.


The night is dark and full of terrors

[] Call it a night
[] Go to the bell tower, challenge the vampire
[] Break into a nearby home, rape a cute girl
[] Take a shit on the roof

bell tower

Call it a night.

Rape a kawaii grill.

Call it a night.

Bell tower, vampire challenge please.

cute girl

it's a tie

rape a cute girl

go rape

See if there are any cute girl around here.
(I think I smell a trap)

take a night and dream and get sucked in by a demon lord

[x] Break into a nearby home, rape a kawaii shoujo

Hm, I had good ideas for all of those options but alas.


You climb onto the inn's windowsill, noting a bale of hay below you stacked like a 20-stuf Oreo. You question yourself as to what an Oreo is as you position yourself for the jump.

You've heard of so-called assassins jumping off buildings like a diving eagle, safely landing on a tiny pile of hay despite having fallen twenty or so stories.

You hop out the window in a somersault, landing head first on the bale of the hay. The force of the fall allows your head to fall clean through the hay, giving you a mild concussion and shooting waves of pain.

"Bluddie 'ell." You get up and—huh?

There's a lit window in front of you—you seem to have landed on someone's property. You run up to the windowsill. You see a slim and feminine figure casting a long shadow over the wall. You hold back your urges to hoot like a monkey as you make note of the girl inside for reasons that are about to be explained.

You jump into the room.

"Huh?!"

"Calm down m'lady! I mean ye no harm." You say, tipping your imaginary fedora and spreading your arms out like a sicko.

"I-I-I'm not a lady." The girl averts her gaze like a frightened puppy, hiding her face behind her long clear hair.

"Blimey, I know a noblewoman when I see wun! What's yer name? Full one."

"C-Cross. Blanca Cross."

"Well then, you better not cross those legs Miss Cross, because, as I used to tell my sister, your curves are kickin', an' I'm feeling like stickin'."

"W-What?"

"Spread 'em or I'll stab ya." You pull out your sword. "Scream and I'll stab ya too."

"W-Wait! I have given you m-my name, so w-what about yours?"

"Huh, well I don't see how this can jeopardize me later, sure. My name is Cornelius Rusl the Wirthless Brit. I came here because some skinny wanker wants to destroy Britannia and because I shagged my sister."

"..."

"Well, get on with it." You motion Blanca with your sword towards the bed as you pull down your pants.

"B-but it's..."

"Nope, don't care"

You charge at the meek girl, your manhood in prominently erect display. You immediately pin her down to her bed while you press your hand against her mouth, wrapping your fingers fiercely around the rest of her face. Shock and defeat mix in her expression as you free your other hand from the sword and begin undoing her clothes.

Her whimpers of protest turn to moans as you remove her skirt and begin rubbing your body against hers. Using your free hand, you grab a hold of her breast and begin thrust—

"Huh?"

The girl's face turned white... Why?

You let go of her mouth and try to see if she's just out cold from the shock or...

!

"No, go on." The girl says.

"OH NO" You realize what has just happened.

You drop backwards on your ass and begin scurrying away.

Your people discovered this when they discovered Australia! They called this "EL LOCO BITCHO". In other words, this girl is...!

"Yandere to the core." You mutter as you accept your fate.

Miss Cross gets up from the bed, removing the rest of her clothes as she approaches you with the slyest grin on her face. The world goes dark as she grabs you by the neck and starts straddling you.

...


You wake up beaten and battered in the inn room, hoping all of that was just a horrible dream.

You see a note next to your bed with an apology as well as your clothes and sword on top.

...

"I suppose I'd better get my morning tea." You get up for some breakfast, pondering on what to do next.


[] Go to the capital, this village is fucked up
[] Go to the bell tower, wreck some shit
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Shit on the hay bale from last night

Go to the lord's estate.

Go to the bell tower, wreck some shit.

Bell tower

Go to the Bell Tower and wreck some s**t, this may help when you're frustrated. :]

Take a shit and think about your life, how much of a scum you are that you attempted to rape another girl.

INTERLUDE EDITION

Granger wrote:

Take a shit and think about your life, how much of a scum you are that you attempted to rape another girl.

"Cis scum!" A villager calls you as you head outside.

"..."Not entirely sure why you're being called that considering you got counter raped, but you ignore the fat lady as you—

"Boo hoo, my little Corin can't be this pathetic." Your dad shows up from out of nowhere, crying as he rips open shirts with his massive shoulders.

"..."

"Oh, h-hello Cornelius, how are y-you?" Miss Cross greets you in this fine morning.

"...You're not mad?" You ask.

"W-well, I did defile you instead."

"This wasn't the first time, was it?" You squint your eyes.

"..."

"..."

You try walking ahead—

"W-Wait!"

"U wot m8" your inner Brit starts showing.

"I-It's fine, it's not like I can be charged for anything."

"Huh ?"

"G-G-Girls can't rape"

"... Bullshit." You start wondering if sex change has been invented yet. You wouldn't be surprised if there was some wizard that already figured that out, though.

"I-It's true!"

"Well then, if you'll excuse me, I still have to think about what I'll waste my time on today."

"Okay... See you around."


And that's how you made your first friend in this odd land

By trying to impregnate them.

Go to the capital, screw all the side missions for later obv

go get some work

Belltwoer

You march to the outskirts of the settlement where a decrepit bell tower stands over a small hill. Despite the morning sun shining brilliantly over it, the tower itself seems to emit an ominous aura of its own. Or it could just be the shade it's casting over you.

There's little to say about this structure, though you could guess from the surrounding ruins that it used to be part of a steeple or church. It stands about five stories tall, made of scorched stone bricks, and has all of its windows boarded up. At the top you make out a canopy with a bell on it, and on top of that, a gargoyle holding a ball in one hand, and a cross in the other.

You check your equipment before you enter, making sure you have everything you need to kill a vampire:

Sword.

Check.

You walk inside stark naked, wielding only your sword to fend off enemy attacks.

"'OY, IT'S NINE PAST BONG, ANYBODY 'OME?!" You shout at the darkness as you step inside. Then you realize it's dark as fuck.

...

You go outside and circle the tower, tearing down all of the boards on the windows you can reach and then go back inside.

With the morning sun peering directly through the windows, you carefully study the first floor. Wooden floors and circling stairs. Nothing else except that, some broken furniture, and a lot of dust.

You walk to the top of the bell tower, ring the bell, then walk back down.

Nothing happened.

Nothing except the towering hulking mass of muscles dressed in fabulous clothing standing over the only way out of the belltower. That's new.

"Who are you?!"

"Me? I am a vampire, I am—"

A muscular hunk breaks out from below the floorboards, revealing an expansive basement below. The two face each other epicly as giant, poorly written onomatopoeia floats around the air.

"DIO!"

"JOJO!"

You turn around to find that there's a chubby Filipino man right behind you with a cool hat pointing at the vampire.

"HOW MANY SHITPOSTS DID YOU MAKE TO HEAL THOSE WOUNDS?" The Filipino bellows.

DIO puts his finger to his lip before answering: "How many threads have you locked?"

"...!" The Filipino grunts as he takes the answer with complete and utter disbelief.

The man named JOJO charges at the vampire, who stands still as JOJO swings his fist at him. DIO begins laughing.

"Weakling! Weakling!"

DIO freezes JOJO's arm solid in a gay-ass tactic of being overpowered.


...

"Excuse me." You say.

"Hm? Who is this man?" The Filipino asks.

"I... Have... No idea..." JOJO answers while struggling with his completely frozen arm.

"...Doesn't sunlight kill vampires?"

"NAH KNEE?!" DIO looks over to his left, where the sunlight meets his eyes.

...

DIO begins melting away like wax under a candle. Just a lot faster.

"MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA MUDA Mu......"

"WHOOOOOOOAAAAA" The two strangers begin shouting at your prowess for defeating the vampire.

"wot"

"HE TOOK DOWN THE BOARDS!"

"W-Well yeah I-I gueeess?!"

The two men lift you up and start cheering, but then they stop because you're naked.


You go back into the village, having apparently exhausted your only worthwhile quest.

It's now noon, you have no idea what was all that about, but the two men gave you some nice clothes to wear as thanks for putting down a thousand year-old evil or something. Some people around the village started acting a bit nicer, though the fat lady from before still calls you cis scum.

...

Well you're not a fucking NEET, you might as well do something.

[] Go to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Go the lord's estate, get some work
[] Call it a day
[] Take a shit on the gargoyle at the bell tower

take a shit

do you think i'll get arrested?

[X] Go the lord's estate, get some work

The capital

Stop being poor and make money.

Lord's state

The shit

take a shit

Tie between shit and work—I'll wait for a tiebreaker

Take a shit, yo

You begin hauling ass to the belltower. Strutting back up the same road you took this morning, you go all the way up to the top of the tower. From there, you hop on the ledge, not minding the 5-story fall. You jump and grab on to the roof tiling from above, using your high Agility to climb up, viciously grappling at the ornamentation up top to secure your rise.

Lifting yourself up, you lock your foot on top of the railing and grab on to the stone gargoyle's arms for support.

From there, you stand over the highest point in the area—you can see the entire village: you spot the inn, the marketplace, and a huge manor further in the village which you suppose is the local lord's estate. You can see the main road and the dirt path you took, sprawled across the dry green plains like a coil of rope.

"Ah, shite."

Then you realize you haven't taken a shit in days.

...

You decide to shit on the gargoyle's dick.

With your business done, you carefully climb back down and on to the safety of the bell tower.

You walk down the flight of steps down the tower, carefully circling around the hole left by JOJO from before. Then you step outside and march back down to the villa—

"GROOOOAGH"

"Wot in the Queen's teeth—" you turn around and notice the gargoyle flying over the bell tower, pissed off as fuck.

Well, you suppose anybody would be angry if they got shat on.

The stone demon fashions a sword out of the cross and a shield out of the ball as it begins it's descent towards you.

Oh shit, what do

[] Summon Knight Solaire
[] Summon Mod Color
[] Fight it alone, git gud
[] Run away

[x]Summon Mod Color

:*)

Mod Color FTW!

Mods pls.

You touch the summon sign and a phantom materializes right before you! A Frenchman appears and stabs you in the chest.

"Wot..." You drop to your knees as the blood loss starts affecting the few brain cells you have.

"That's what you get for shitposting in Uff Topia!" The faggot mod begins laughing heartily before the gargoyle swoops down and chops his head off.

You black out as the stone statue begins shitting gravel on you.


[] Reload from last checkpoint
[] Reload from last choice
[] Respawn at the last inn rested at the cost of your humanity
[] Save and quit

I don't see we've saved before.

Sooo... Save and quit.

Who needs humanity anyways? Respawn at the inn.

Fuck off, save & quit.

You begrudgingly save your progress on a random save slot and turn off the game console.

"Had fun mate?" The innkeeper asks.

"This is the worst invention ever, nobody would like or profit from this unless they were Jewish." You voice your opinion as clear as the blue sky.

"Wot's so bad about it?"

"Artificial difficulty."

You walk out the inn, pissed off. It's a few hours past noon, and you realize you haven't done anything of particular value this noon because of that retcon.

So what do

[] Go to the capital, this town is fucking weird
[] Go to the lord's estate, get some work
[] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night
[] Go around the village, challenge the two men from earlier to a fight

[x] Go around the village, harass the young girl from last night