I wrote things like this to NEDM every now and then when I was feeling shit, from 2013 autumn all the way till last summer. I did it again, because life has returned to suffocate me. Never before have I posted these here, but here we go for once. Not editing anything out, editing only minor changes in.
It was around a year ago that the best time of my non-childhood life started. Had no annoying courses, listened to really atmospheric music and was feeling good and happy for maybe the first time ever. Studied French with the good friend of mine, who did graduate soon after and also was on another course with her. I constantly had motivation in making music and photographing and all that. I don't know where did that all go and I'm not exactly sure how am I going to make this spring even remotely tolerable.
Speaking of childhood, another really surreal thing is that I'm never going to be a kid again. I never looked to those times as good times and I always wanted to get older. It's sad how I never got to enjoy being a kid, partially because of the bullying, though, but no matter what now I'll never have the chance to enjoy anything about it again at its purest, though surely all the nostalgic stuff exists.
Also my mom is being a hyperneo-nazi when it comes to responsibilities and money usage. She's literally not giving me any money and just increasing all the bullshit that I have to go through, not understanding a single bit that I want to graduate from school as soon as possible and not stress myself with additional job or anything - that'd bump most of my days up to 16 hours of work with easily under 8 hours to sleep when we count all the preparing and school-/work trips in. Basically, I need to find income support from the country and get to live on my own because I'm going to go insane if I don't do that in the coming weeks, maybe I can tolerate 2 months if I really have to. Unless this gets worse, in which case I need to get out in the next 3 weeks, I'd predict. I still get 18€ per month (32€ less than before, because why not), which isn't realistic, considering that I need to apparently start paying for my schoolbooks and -trips too.
Anyway, new semester starting now after exam week, nailed all of my exams, life shines. Hopefully getting a chance to get to know new people, including that one girl I talked about earlier. There's still some hope to help me with staying sane until I get to move out on my own. Though in this state I bet I manage to fuck even the last resort up.
I should try to sleep again now that I got everything that was bothering me off my chest. Didn't luckily take too long, though I have only barely 7,5 hours to sleep now. Send help.