2017-03-03 The Third Attempt: The Date
The alarm rings, it's 7.30 in the morning and time to wake up. I have not been up this early in months because I hate mornings but today is a special day. I am going on my first date after my problem of speaking to girls came into my life. I sit down on the side of the bed reaching for my phone and turn of the alarm and check for new messages, a couple of funny snapchat pictures from my friends. I start to think of what clothes to wear, I got the advice to dress casually. I'm trying to decide between a good looking shirt or a t-shirt together with a hoodie, both are casual but the shirt will look more propper. All my clothes are in a pile on my computer chair which I always toss on my bed when I wake up, I go through the pile and find my shirt and put it on together with my slim jeans. Next up is coffe, functioning this early without coffe would be impossible for me. I stumble down the stairs to already find a prepared cup of coffee for me that my parents have made. I yell to my dad which is still home, "Thanks dad, I needed this!" I start to walk back upstairs and hear him answer "No problems buddy, good luck today!". I sit down at the computer, I gaze briefly at the clock and notice I have about 30 minutes to burn before the bus arrives. I start my computer and put on some music, I'm in the mood of some Nirvana and Blink-182. All of my thoughts are just now that I'm tired and the date is so distant in my mind that I don't care. After a couple of songs I start to think of my reason for waking up this early, the date. I have no desire whatsoever to go through with this but I tell myself, "You need to do this to improve". I need to do this to become a greater person. Time is ticking and It's starting to become time to go to the bus and I walk downstairs to put on my jacket and take my schoolbag. It is cold outside, I hate waiting in the cold so I rather run to the bus than waiting. The bus arives and I find a seat in the middle of the bus, I like to sit close to the exit so I can get out fast. The bus ride takes about 20 minutes from where I live, I use this time to relax and listen to some music. Radiohead and Jimmy Eat World is playing. I fantasize about the idea that the date will go well, I imagine myself holding a conversation like I do with my buddies and smile to myself. The guy sitting behind me has his knees on the back of my seat and I feel it in my back, it is really annoying. I slowly turn around to tell him to take his legs down but I stop myself, it is too risky. I have a bad temperament and if I get angry then I will stay angry during the date and I cannot risk it. I switch to the seat next to me for the last part of the bus ride.
The bus arrives at campus and I step out of the bus and take a deep breath of the fresh air. I usually prefer to watch the lectures and just study from home because I can do it in my own phase infront of the computer so fresh air from the outside is nice to enjoy now and then. I start to slowly walk towards the place we agreed to meet up on at 9AM. Campus is a nice place in the morning, it is really interesting to see everyone be so busy and knowing that everyone has their own goals and agendas and things to do. I'm getting closer to the coffee place and I'm also getting more nervous and I'm thinking to myself, "What can go wrong?". I start to walk slower to try calm myself and listen to a couple of more songs before I walk in to the shop. The last song I listen to is "Pain" by Jimmy Eat World. I arrive at the coffe shop and I take out my earphones and stop the music on my phone, I reach for the handle for the door and catch myself shaking while reaching for the handle, What is going on?. I felt so calm the entire way here but my body is showing me otherwise. I grab the handle and walk in to the shop. It takes a brief second for my eyes to adjust themselves to the lighting, it is darker inside. I stand in the doorway looking around for the girl I am supposed to meet. I do not see her, I look around again scaning all the seats from left to right trying to find a brown haired girl in any of the seats. I'm starting to get more nervous, did she bail on me or did she just not arrive yet? When my eyes reaches the far right corner I notices a brown haired girl reading a book and I slowly starts to walk closer, I now feel my legs starting to shake and I'm getting unsure of myself. The girl I am walking towards looks up and it is her! I'm thinking to myself, "What a relief". She is quick to greet me and stands up to give me a hug, It takes a second for me to react and hug back. One of my hands were placed on her back and she must have noticed that I were shaking, immedietly after we hugged she asked me if it was cold outside. I didn't have time to answer before she mentions that she felt my hand shaking. I thought to myself what approach to take here, I can just go with the flow or I can be honest. If I am honest she will atleast know that I am nervous and if she is an understanding person she should understand. I decide to be honest and I tell her that I'm a bit nervous. I look up and meet her eyes and she smiles, I completley melt and get knocked off my game. I try to smile back but I'm so nervous that I only manage to smile for a moment before looking down again. She touches my shoulder and says, "It's okay, stay calm". I take a deep breath just like the techniques presented to me on the forum and take of my jacket and put it on the chair and follow her to go purchase coffee. We both finish our orders and walk back to our table and by this time I've thought of a subject to talk about, I ask her what book she was reading and try to keep the conversation alive by answering her questions and give her followup questions about things. In the back of my mind I'm really nervous though and you can see my hands shaking while holding the coffee which is making me more nervous since I'm showing to her. I'm trying to look up at her from time to time and smile but it is really hard and makes me go far out of my way, when I take a sip of coffe I can see the coffe within the cup forming small waves because of my shaking. There is a clock above her to the left which I quickly look at and notice that we've been there for about 30 minutes. I have about half of my cup of coffe left and I'm still shaking, the conversation has stopped and I'm still shaking while now holding the cup slightly above the table so it is in the air. She extends her arm and touches my hand while saying, "It's okay" again. The thought in my head now was that I have been doing something wrong and I paniced a bit moving my hand too fast while loosing grip of the coffee cup. I spill the rest of the coffe on the table! I'm so embarrased, I feel like a kid that cannot sit at the table without making a mess. I look up at her and she has a bit of a shocked face and asks me what I'm doing, I cannot answer im just stuttering now. I do not know what to say and I cannot understand her facial expression. Is she angry or annoyed I can't tell. There is a bunch of napkins at the side of the table and I take some and wipe up the mess I made. I squeeze out a "Sorry" while wiping, the date goes on but not with the same vibe. I feel like I'm stupid, she doesn't smile like she did before and it feels like she just wants to leave. We sit there for another 10 or 15 minutes then she says she needs to leave. I stand up and stutter a goodbye while we hug and she leaves. I just sit down again looking out the window thinking about what happend, I feel like a complete fuckup.
The date ended there and I just went home to study. She has not written to me and I have not typed anything to her, I don't know if I should. I'm scared of it.. Maybe this is not my thing..
TLDR: I'm a fuckup.