an easy one. apathy. it fits all the criteria for my biggest weakness and my biggest strength.

- - -

anything you'd like to know from me?

Have you taken your iron supplements today?

No, but seriously. I guess the thing I'm most curious of at the moment is how your days going and how you're managing.

Ot: what's something you want to share with other people very much, but typically dont?

I’d want to share my mapping knowledge to others, but due to time restraints I haven’t been able to really teach someone mapping. Although after finals are over I do plan to apply as a mentor in the community mentorship program for the next cycle!

-

Same question

I guess my insecurities in general.

SQ

Problems, a lot of problems

Same question

I'm typically someone who OVER shares.

Well, I don't think I've said much about an issue I have, which is quite a big one.

Nor who this 'friend' is I keep talking about. Our relationship isn't like how others would imagine. It's a bit strange. Doubt anyone could guess. She deserves her privacy, and I feel of her as a friend or sorts anyway.

What is the type of person you would like to be?

I dont know. More of myself. The problem is I have no idea who that really is so its whatever. I really dont have a clue who I am or why I do half the things I do.

Same question.

I want to be the type of person who can do anything that he wanted to do and doesn't have to rely on other people. I want to be able to take care of myself and the people that I cared about. And to be able to have a certain degree of control over my own life.

-------------------------

Same question.

...i don't know.

i guess i'd just like to be someone who could figure things out a bit better.

all this time to myself. all this introspection.

and i can still hardly do a thing.

at least i still do what i can.

even if it's not much at times.

things are a bit lonely when life's like this. a bit painful, a hollow, emptying sort of pain.

it's incredibly inconvenient. i just can't connect. there's always this distance.

so, had i been able to understand it all a bit better, and to better figure out how to move around the shit being encountered, maybe i'd also be able to understand how to best help others and perhaps provide others reasons to live, even when there really wouldn't seem to be one anyways. it seems to be something a lot of others really need.

if i could actually do what i envision.

the sort of person who could just... create it all.

no more limitations.

- - -

same question.

Something I don't even want to mention on here, it's a hobby I have that I'm very closeted about. I swore years ago I would take it to my grave. I hint at it sometimes though. I'm afraid I'll give away too much information one day and I'll be found out.

Is there something you dislike, but have no particular reason to dislike it?

Was pondering about that question for a while. Is that even possible? Surely there is always a reason, even if it's stupid, that makes you dislike/like something. At least for me, even the silliest dislikes I have, have a reason.

SQ cause I'm curious if someone can provide an example for me, but at this point, I'd argue it would come down more to dishonesty towards yourself or maybe even a lack of selfawareness.

Like Kyomaku said, I don't think it's really possible to dislike something with no absolutely no reason. Despite that, I guess I could say that I unreasonably hate french, as in I do reasons for disliking it but probably not to the extent that I do.

EDIT: forgot to add SQ.

Uhmmm... Huh. Country music, I guess. Goddamn I hate country music.

SQ

Chocolate cake's a fair choice.

I prefer lemon and vanilla.

- - -

SQ.

To be honest, I don't really eat cake that much, but chocolate cake? It's a good choice. I think I'm more towards red velvet cake.

SQ If you had a favorite language, what would you pick...

chocolate cake is good! red velvet>>>>all cake change my mind

uhhhhh.. i tried learning french once and thats a pretty interesting language i guess

sq

Body language

Sq

Tagalog and German perhaps. My mother is filipino, and I took German for two years in high school.

Favorite video game?

This is hard.

Probably Archeblade. But its dead.

League used to be good. Ehhhhhh now. I only watch pro matches anymore. Dont play.

Osu is awesome.

Starcraft 2 is an amazing game and probably deserves more Love.

Halo 3 was an integral part of my childhood.

Final fantasy 7 is one of the greatest video games ever created.

Monster Hunter World is similarly an absolutely stellar game.

It's hard to decide between this. I still think I pick Archeblade. I just wish the game had been created by reliable dev's who had the funding to back the game up. It was really an amazing game.

Same question

Yeah pretty difficult question, I don't play video games as much as I used to before. I used to be really big on the Splatoon games. I grew up playing Mario Kart so I guess you could say that's one of them

same

UHHHHH this is hard. undertale hit me really hard when i first played it and thats where i got my first user from so lets go with that for now

SQ

My favorite game for the gameplay has to be the Binding of Isaac rebirth, it's one of the very first game I played on PC and I absolutely loved it, it's also the only game at which I can say I was very good although after leaving it for a while I got washed up. For the story my favorite game would be Danganronpa, all 3 games were memorable to me.

SQ

pretty tough.

so many games with so much nostalgia.

i have no fucking idea.

i'd like to just say undertale/deltarune for the community and amazing writing and charming humor behind it, as well as the fucking greatest and most charming characters i've seen aaaaaa, but uhhh

as far as games that i enjoy playing?

The. :clap: Original. :clap: Starcraft.

oh and of course the expansion, Brood War, which i enjoyed more, but yee. SC:BW is my answer.

then there's Starcraft 2, with variants from WoL, HotS, then finally, LotV. those were good too.

it's actually really tough, but i think it's a fair answer considering it's taken up a lot of my childhood and a good bit of later years.

- - -

favorite fandom?

bad question theyre all garbage

i can only speak for the ones that i take part in and i guess i’d say the pokémon fandom. lot of really good content comes from it and i love it.

SQ

Splatoon fandom is pretty chill, that's all I could think of

What's something that really frustrates you to the point of tears/rage?

People who deny absolutely objective facts.

SQ

samX500 wrote:

People who deny absolutely objective facts.

SQ

Ahha
Aha

You said it for me, really

I've talked about that before on here though so I'll try to answer something else

Myself. I never seem to be good enough despite the fact I'm always trying to improve. Most of the time I can deal with that and I've learned to feel satisfied with the progress I make. It makes things bearable, managable, and even enjoyable. And I know if I keep going and manage myself well, I'll succeed. But there are sometimes where I let my emotions and frustrations really get the better of me and it's generally something like "Why am I not good enough?" at something. I've had a stint of that the past couple of days and it's not pleasant.

SQ

Oh man, mine isn't as severe. Just things like people bothering me/making me mad. I'm not the kind of person to express annoyance or to yell at people. So I just get extremely frustrated because I don't know how to del with the situation. So I kind of tear up a little.

same

Puzzle wrote:

Myself. I never seem to be good enough despite the fact I'm always trying to improve. Most of the time I can deal with that and I've learned to feel satisfied with the progress I make. It makes things bearable, manageable, and even enjoyable. And I know if I keep going and manage myself well, I'll succeed. But there are sometimes where I let my emotions and frustrations really get the better of me and it's generally something like "Why am I not good enough?" at something. I've had a stint of that the past couple of days and it's not pleasant.

something similar to this.

it's a good load of self-hatred, and my perfectionism doesn't help much.

i'm struggling to explain it.

there's some basic emotions people get to feel.

anger. joy. grief. fear.

the best i get to feel from them?

angry enough to sulk. enough joy to chuckle.

not much else. the two others?

fear? only whatever human instinct serves, bodily flinches, and all. other than that, i've yet to be horrified by anything. i haven't really experienced real fear.

but then there's grief.

i just shut down. no emotion, no expression, no life, no thoughts. just a still body, staring into the void. completely inert.

now, though apathy has been the shield that makes all this possible and completely negates hysteria, there's something about my internal thoughts that really get to me.

seething self-hatred. it's clear. it's there. it's real. hate.

hate, because of my failure to have fixed anything. all i've done was sit and watch as my life fell apart. i was too numb to do anything. too stupid to, in fact. too ignorant to listen to what i should've done. i want to climb out of my damn skin and smack myself, and let myself know exactly what i should do. i want out. get out. fix this mess. get something done. actually do something. for fuck's sake, just do something. DO SOMETHING. FUCKING GET IT DONE. FIX IT. YOU LAZY APATHETIC FUCK. STOP STARING AT THE FUCKING CEILING. ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THE CEILING FAN?? GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH. GO. DO IT. STOP FUCKING UP YOUR GRADES. STOP BEING SUCH A CHERRY-PICKING SMARTASS BY DEBATING WITH YOUR TEACHERS, NOONE CARES. STOP THROWING YOUR DEPRESSING SHIT ON EVERYONE ELSE FOR THEM TO HANDLE, YOUR FRIENDS DON'T DESERVE THIS, JUST FUCKING ENJOY LIFE WITH THEM AND LAUGH WITH HER, STOP FUCKING YOURSELF UP OVER HER, STOP RELYING ON HER TO LIVE. ALL YOU DO IS TALK AND COMPLAIN AND TALK AND COMPLAIN AND WHINE AND WRITE ABOUT YOUR SHIT AND YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING. FUCK. NO WONDER SHE HAD DISTANCED HERSELF. CONSIDERING HOW FUCKING DEPRESSIVE YOU ARE, EVEN THE MOST OPTIMISTIC OF PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY HER, JUST DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR SHIT ANYMORE. YOU'LL MANAGE, YES, BUT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING AND BETTER YOURSELF. YOU FUCKHEAD. YOU KEEP TEARING UP TO SUICIDAL ANIME CHARACTERS THAT YOU RELATE TO, BUT YOU DON'T GIVE ENOUGH OF A FUCK TO CARRY IT OUT YOURSELF? HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK? JUST DO SOMETHING. PLEASE. FUCK.

...and that's where it comes from.

i suppose something like a simple thread of thoughts could just lead to a full-force bullet train running down your ego and pummelling it with the shit you wished you had done.

but it's addicting.

the emptiness. the hollowness.

it's so fucked, but it's so addicting. i can't get enough of it.

apathy.

it really changed me in the most dramatic fashion i've known. everything is internal. the worst of it is something i've yet to excavate, but i know it's there from what i get when i'm in my head for too long.

- - -

sq.

close-minded, intolerant people

What do you want to do right now?

I'm planning to hang out with da bois.

---------------------

Same question

Uhhh...

I wanna go on to tomorrow. Mostly because I really want to play osu and kurtzpel and draw so I can feel good about being done with my month of anatomy. Also i plan on getting very drunk tomorrow night after I finish my drawing.

SQ

get everything done despite my minimal amount of energy left that i clearly won't manage anything with.

- - -

sq

Talk to a mate, let her know I'm okay.

But l also don't want to, because my mind's not quite in the right place, and she's busy right now.
For the respect of her, I'm not gonna chat.

I would also like to finish my timetable. I'm trying to get used to working in timetables and having some self-discipline. I'd like to plan how to do my goals so my days aren't as hectic.

How would you feel if your parents had an Osu! account and know what you're posting here?

TL;DR Would be okay, preferred to a degree.

Long Version:
I have accepted that my father doesn't understand me nor shares my interest and thus really don't care what he thinks anymore. If my mother read it, I'd be slightly uncomfortable, but I'd prefer it honestly. She likes my silly humour, that's one thing, but the few depressed things I wrote, I would technically want her to know and talk about them with her, but didn't manage to tell her, yet.

I want to explain a few of my thoughts on this further. I'm the type of person that can put a lot of effort into friends and family, investing time to learn about their interests and motivating myself to be interested in them, too. I try to understand what they like about their interests and try to see it from their perspective. More often than not, I manage to share their joy with them, so I used to have a lot of fun with my father for example, but whenever I tried to select what we do or talk about my interests, it would never work out and it started bothering me more and more over the years, it felt like a onesided investment to me, unfair that I put in effort to this degree, but in the end I just feel like I'm a toy, and that I can't be myself, if that makes sense.

The other thing I wanted to get a little more into is "talking about things". It can be really hard to open up, especially about topics that worry and bother you, but it does really help if you manage to do so. In the example of my mother reading my forum posts, she knows quite a bit about my thoughts and worries, but there are always things I still can't manage to speak about, which makes me feel alone with my problems sometimes, not a good feeling, yet it's just a weakness of myself that prevents me to just talk about it. It's a feeling of people not being able to understand what I would want to express, not being able to relate to it, or people maybe trying to belittle my worries and emotions, even though they're real and quite heavy for me.

SQ cause it was an interesting one to think about and answer for me.

They wouldn't. They actually don't want me to play because they know it makes me prone to repetitive strain injury, which I shouldn't risk since I'm a student. They know I would chat on forums though (I spend some time in Discord servers), and it's not like I upload anything explicit or suggestive here (which isn't allowed anyway) or in those Discord servers, so I wouldn't be too worried. They know I am not the type of person to distribute some naked anime girl on a forum that doesn't allow it, for example, or to access that material in general.

Sometimes I see people writing essays to answer these questions. If you're one of them, do you wonder if you should really spend that much time to answer these questions? If not, what are your impressions of those who do?

I'm one of these people, for certain. I like to get things out of my head. I've been improving on typing shorter answers since I got a diary, but I may type a lot if I feel really stuck on something.

Sq

It's more a way of self reflection / meditation to type out thoughts for me and it can be interesting to read what's going through other peoples minds. Then there's always the chance that someone responds something interesting to one my thought essays and I learn something new / get a new perspective. I could probably spend less time on FG and or write shorter answers, I don't actually spend much time on it anyways, but I could still spend less time on it, but atm I find it's passable and makes me think about interesting things from time to time. (not to mention that even if I were to write shorter answers, all the things I didn't type would still be going through my head and all that would change would be me being more reserved and dishonest with my responses)

SQ

When I write answer, I try to write them so that I am happy with the answer given and if the answer requires a lot of words, then I have to write all of those words. I don't try to cut corners with my explanation when writing answer to question. And sometimes question just requires you to write a long essay for your answer to be understood.

SQ