Okay, so this is going to be quite a wall of text about me, my real life, my current situation, and my future. It's also going to be kind of whiny and not especially happy. I can't blame you if you don't feel like reading all of this, but I can't really give a good tl;dr either. Feel free to just skip this thread if you don't particularly care about what I have to say.

Since I don't know how else to begin, let's just start with the core issue. I have been suffering from severe depression for almost all my life. And by depression I don't mean 'feeling kind of sad' or 'having a lot of bad days', but actual, clinical depression. It's been gradually getting worse and by now has fully devoured me. I have completely lost control of my life and am incapable of regaining any of it. It is hard to really give normal, healthy people an idea of how severe of an illness depression really is, but I'll try to at least describe what it's like for me. Some of the following points probably sound exaggerated, but I assure you that they are actually true.
For years, I have essentially never left my apartment. I have no social life at all; no friends, no acquaintances, nobody to talk to. The number of face-to-face conversations I've had over the last six years with people other than my family or therapist is in the single digits. Literally. A normal person has more social contact on an average day than I have had in multiple years. I lack the energy to do much of anything; even the most basic tasks become insurmountable hurdles for me. Even getting out of bed is near impossible. Every day, after waking up, I just lay in bed for several hours, wide awake but unable to get up. Lately it has been a serious achievement for me if I manage to get out of bed before 7pm. There are days where I only manage to force myself out of bed when it's already almost midnight.
I rarely manage to muster up the energy to take a shower. Such a trivial task, yet it takes a lot out of me. I often smell awful and am disgusted by myself, but somehow not even that manages to motivate me. In a similar vein, I didn't get myself to brush my teeth at all for several years. It is a miracle that I only needed to get two root canals after that. By now I have managed to force myself to at least brush once a day, but anything beyond that is completely hopeless. Seeing the trash pile up in huge mounds around my apartment is awful as well, but I lack the sense of self-worth that might bring me to actually take it out. All I want is to be able to live a normal life, but at the same time I don't feel like I am worth enough to even deserve something as basic as bodily hygiene or a clean room. The longer I live like that, the more I start to feel that this dirty, disgusting environment is actually a part of me, or an expression of who I really am inside. It no longer really feels like an illness, I basically just feel like a worthless, lazy bum who doesn't care about himself, and blame myself for everything that is wrong in my life – which is a ridiculous number of things.
You know how people talk about 'crying oneself to sleep'? Well, for me that's not how it works. Quite the opposite in fact. Whenever I cry at night (which happens way too often), I end up being completely unable to fall asleep at all. I just end up laying awake the entire night, feeling like shit. But even on normal nights, it takes me several hours to fall asleep. I don't know how people manage to fall asleep in less than 15 minutes, it just seems totally inhuman to me. Oh well, the point of all this is that I fail at basically everything in my life, no matter how basic it may be. I have tried every single method I could come up with or find online on how to overcome this subconscious blockade, on how to get motivated/disciplined and actually pull through when attempting to do stuff. Nothing worked. Or, as it feels to me, I failed to make anything work. By this point I don't know how I can be optimistic about anything anymore; after failing time and time again for years, you just start feeling completely hopeless and powerless. Life just kind of happens and you're left out with no way back in. It's an awful feeling. Even more so because I technically should be able to achieve so much more – I used to be a straight A student and finished school with excellent grades all around. People around me expected me to become successful and live a fulfilling life, yet here I am, leading an existence more miserable than I'd ever have been able to imagine.
I have never been very good at making friends. I'm just way too shy to approach anyone myself and my depression-induced lack of interests doesn't exactly make me an interesting person to be around. That, coupled with a bunch of other factors, led to me being a huge loner, outsider, and the school's number one subject of bullying. I basically never felt accepted or appreciated by anyone, be it classmates or my family. No matter how well I did at anything, it was always just expected (by my parents) or a source of envy and antipathy (for many of my classmates). It is difficult to develop any sense of self-worth when you're never told that you're doing well and that people are proud of you.
I also never really felt affection from anybody, which makes me feel even more undesirable and worthless. I've never been in a relationship – heck, I've never even so much as held hands with a girl. For a 25-year-old, that's kind of pathetic. In addition to that, I lost pretty much all contact with the few friends I used to have almost immediately after finishing school. All due to inaction; doing nothing. And for some reason, 'nothing' was all I could do. It still is. Whenever I try to do 'anything', I fail, so 'nothing', or a state of complete inaction, pretty much defines my entire existence right now. You probably can't even begin to imagine how lonely I feel most days, how much I long for someone to be close to me, someone to talk to and just spend free time with. But that is impossible. Even if I were to magically gain the strength/motivation to actually leave the house and approach people, I would still not be able to find friends, because I am the most boring person imaginable. I have nothing to talk about at all. Normal people can talk about their daily lives; their jobs, circle of friends, activities they did, interests,... I cannot do that. I don't have a job or anything to talk about, no friends/colleagues/acquaintances to talk about. Nothing new ever happens in my life – for the past years, pretty much every single day has been the exact same. I get up past noon, sit down at the computer because I lack the energy to do anything else, mostly just passively watch something because everything else is too draining, and eventually drag myself back to bed. For a long time, osu!/taiko used to be the only thing in my life that was actually fun, that I could get myself to do actively. But by now, with the illness getting ever worse, even that has stopped being fun. I used to have no 0 playcount months in all of my osu! 'career', but now I basically haven't even opened the game in over four months. Somehow, I have lost the last thing in my life that was fun, the last thing I could get excited about. Now I just feel completely dead inside. The longer my life drags on, the more I wish that I would just die – that I won't have to wake up tomorrow and force myself through yet another day of the same 'nothing'. How can I ever expect anyone else to like me when I can't even begin to like myself? It's awful, but I just see nothing about me that's worth liking. Even when comparing myself to other depressed people, I feel like a failure. When I read posts on exchange sites for people with depression, I can't help but notice that almost all of them mention having a job, friends, or even a relationship. Why is it that all these people manage to deal with the same illness so much better than I do? Why do I completely fall apart and lose every last bit of autonomy, when everyone else still manages to carry on and fulfill their duties? Am I that much weaker than all the others? Do I just not try hard enough? Maybe my illness is just worse than theirs? But then, thinking like that marginalizes the struggles those people face, so I feel like an asshole for even considering something like that.
Anyway, let's change the topic to a slightly less pessimistic one. I want to say thank you to everyone on osu! who put up with me and spent time talking to me. It really means a lot to me, since I have absolute zero social contact in real life. You may not have known the real me, but at least I felt somewhat accepted because people actually cared about this online persona I created. I tried so hard to hide the real me and be a positive, likable person. Luckily, it's easy to fake being happy and optimistic on the internet, where nobody can see your face. In fact, I had a conversation with a fellow team member before the last taiko world cup, where I mentioned having lag issues and a few other things going badly as well. When he told me to not get depressed before the world cup, I half-jokingly said 'Don't worry, I already am.', to which he replied 'You're the last person I'd believe if they told me they're depressed.' In a way that made me happy, because it means that I successfully managed to play a positive character, that at least online I don't emanate an aura of negativity. On the other hand, it made me realize how hard it would be to really talk about my real situation if I ever felt the need to. On occasion I probably tried too hard to hide my real personality and ended up being a bit annoying or even obnoxious due to overcompensation. I apologize to the people who had to put up with that, and want to express how thankful I am that you still wanted to talk to me. I am also sorry to everyone for not being honest about myself and essentially living a lie, but I was just way too afraid that nobody would like me if I didn't do that.
Now that my psychotherapy and antidepressants have not had any visible effects whatsoever after many months, my therapist and me have decided that it would be best if I were to live in a psychiatric hospital for a while. While the exact duration depends on the results of the treatment, my therapist told me to expect at least a stay of six months at the hospital. Tomorrow is going to be my first day there. I don't know when the next time I have internet access will be, so I wanted to take this last chance to post this thread and tell the people who may have cared about me the truth. I am sorry for just kind of disappearing without any comment during the last few months, and I am especially sorry to the German taiko community because I most likely won't be able to participate in the next world cup. At least we have a few promising newcomers, so I'm going to cheer you guys on and I'm sure you'll do just fine.
To be honest, I'm really afraid about the future right now. Mostly because I feel like this hospital stay is basically my last chance. What if that doesn't work either? I don't really have any other options after that, so if it fails, am I stuck with this depression for the rest of my life? That thought terrifies me, there is absolutely no way I am able to survive 50 more years of this hell. I wish I could be optimistic about this, but truth be told, after repeatedly failing at the most trivial of tasks for years on end, you stop believing. Fake optimism is the only thing that keeps me sane, but it is really hard to keep it up on an emotional level.
Technically there are still lots of things I could write about. I have only barely scratched the surface of my whole situation, but I need to go to sleep soon so I can force myself out of bed in time tomorrow. I also don't want to bore you with even more ramblings about me and my life; I think I already said more than I ever thought I would. Thanks once again to everyone who made my time here at osu! one of the very few bright spots in a dark and dull life. I don't know when I'll be able to return, or if I'm ever even going to be in a condition that allows me to return, so I guess I will say goodbye to everyone now. Please don't forget me, and please don't hate me for who I am or am not.
Farewell

that's a shame to hear and it'll be sad to see you go. while i only really talked to you on the osu!talk interview, i did have a lot of fun with it. i hope things work out for the best, and if you ever return, feel free to hit me up.
good luck and hopefully we'll meet again

Bitte pass auf dich auf.


Ich kann momentan nicht widergeben, wie schwer es zu lesen war. Ich weiß auch nicht, was man dazu sagen soll, außer dass du wirklich auf dich aufpassen sollst. Du solltest niemals vergessen, dass du was wert bist, und dass es immer etwas geben wird, was da draußen auf dich wartet, nur um von dir gefunden zu werden. Sei es ein Mensch, ein Hobby, eine Aufgabe, irgendetwas. Ich hoffe wirklich, dass du das noch lesen kannst und wenn du zurückkommst - weil ich daran glaube - wir mehr miteinander sprechen können. Ich war per se nicht die beste Ansprechperson und das habe ich bei vielen zu verschulden, inklusive dir.

Stay strong.

Good luck with the treatment. Have you tried changing antidepressants? Prozac worked for me. Either way, I think nothing works quite as effectively as having someone to openly talk to about your issues, be it in the internet or in real life. Just having someone acknowledge what you're going through and being able to listen to you is a huge step forward. From there, you can start making positive change in your life. Shower more often, eat healthier, leaving your appartment even if it's just to take a 30 minute walk, cleaning your own house, exercising, picking up a hobby no matter what it may be. The road is only harsh at the beginning. Good habits have the tendency to snowball just like bad habits do, and having people to keep you motivated through changing your life is one of the most precious things one could dream of. We will always be social animals no matter how inclined to loneliness we might be.

Good luck again. And please find someone to talk to about your problems (that actually cares).

Ich wünsch dir alles Gute und viel Erfolg bei deiner Therapie.
Ich bin mir sicher, dass ich nicht der einzige bin, der dich für eine sympathische Person hält und ich hoffe, dass du dich in näherer Zukunft auch selbst als diese Person betrachten kannst.
Halt die Ohren steif, bis man sich (hoffentlich) mal wieder sieht, das packst du schon, da bin ich mir sicher

Diesen Post zu lesen hat mir das Herz zerrissen, dabei bin ich für gewöhnlich eigentlich recht anteilnahmslos.
Ich hatte zwar nie die Ehre, mit dir zu schreiben und abgesehen davon, dass ich ab und an deinen Namen aus der deutschen Taiko-Community gehört habe, kenne ich dich auch nicht wirklich gut, aber ich fühle und leide mit dir.

Ich wünsche dir von ganzem Herzen, dass du den Kampf gewinnst.
Das du irgendwann den Thread durchliest und erkennen kannst, dass dieser Teil deines Lebens der Vergangenheit angehört.
Bis dahin wünsche ich dir das beste, geb nicht auf, alles ist möglich.

no tl;dr would do this post justice indeed. I'm not a member of this community for long, and truth be told.. I barely interacted with it so far. I still want to give my two cents, so here it goes.

I refuse to accept that someone who has the ability to describe his situation so eloquently, is worthless. In fact, I think quite the opposite about you after I've read this. Only the most empathic take their time to formulate such a long and heartbreaking post to convey their situation to others. That you were willing to put so much effort into this post, tells me something about you: You care about the community, the people you've had contact to all the years you've been here. The way you thanked them, supports this too. You may feel like you are a lost case or dead inside, but I think your thread proves that you are far from that. Depression is truly crippling, but even with all of that you still have the power to care. Don't give yourself up yet.

The future is unknown to us, and that alone surely can be intimidating or even downright scary. But I think it matters little. In the end, all we can do is giving it our all, in the present. We'll find out about the future once we get there, and even if it turns out badly, we can say that we tried.
Fighting depression really feels like a uphill-battle all the way, I get that. It's still a battle, even if you think that things go by without you doing anything. Keep fighting. You are facing something that most people couldn't even imagine, and yet here you are, still standing. That alone is admirable and a testament of your strength so far. The future will come around eventually, but no matter what the outcome.. nobody can say of you that you didn't try.

So take your time and recover, one step after another. Try to pick up a daily routine, work through the things that hold you down. The German mental hospitals I've been in (as a visitor), weren't half bad, so they aren't something to be scared of. Most importantly, they provide a safe environment, where you can work to get things back together. Starting from scratch, or wherever you stand right now. I wish you the best of luck. Go there unjudged, and return stronger.


farewell, I hope you could still read this

Won't say much here, but be aware that in my opinion you are an enrichment for the Taiko community as reasonable and honest critic, but also for me as friend. Internet and real life are indeed two seperated worlds. But in Taiko - a hobby both of us share - you showed a part of your character afterall, which showed me that you are an interesting person with multifaceted (facettenreiche) statements about several topics I could talk about for hours.

And that's something if you ask me. Being able to talk about a topic you are used to with your own thinking and opinions.


By the way, I noticed your absence. Wish you the very best!

Aw damn, now I want to talk to you for days on end. ):
I can't even imagine the situation you're currently in, as well as all the shit you've been through, and I'm sure many others can't either, but as Railey said, the fact that you took the effort to write all of this just proves that you're not as worthless as you think you are.
Stay strong and come back again, you hear me? >: (
Goodbye, for now. (: <3

I felt the need to at least reply to this. I don't know how much I will be able to write and how much sense my post will have.

I'd rather not speak too much of my troubles here but I can releate to this terrible feeling, in fact a lot of people can. My contact with "friends" is fading quite significantly, mostly just occasional rambling in #taiko and some PMs/IMs to people should I ever have anything to say, which is somewhat rare? I too have slight problems with showering regularly but not near your level I guess, although honestly my hygiene would probably be pretty bad if it wasn't for me being pushed to it. As of now my hygiene is fine enough though. Also I severely lack any interests at all, and I'm basically bored all the time with a complete lack of desire to do anything. As for school it has been fine for a while although I'm starting to feel I'd sooner die.

Not sure how much more I can write here but...I think you'd probably feel better could you somehow get out of this vicious cycle, but whenever I do it's only temporary...Basically what I'm saying is that you should somehow start doing things "responsible" things normal people would, you've probably heard it a million times but not going to work makes you feel worthless, pretty much always. Sorry that my advice isn't very useful alone though, as you can't just decide to start doing these things over night.
Also try not to feel like you're so uninteresting, I mean, you did a pretty good job at being normal over the internet, and I bet you could find people who would enjoy you as a person. From my experience you were an okay guy to talk to.

sorry that I can't do much to help but wish you good luck, and well, if something about my post seems weird or wrong just ignore it...

I can relate to most of what you just said. Hell, the real reason I "quit" osu! was because I was institutionalized for a while. Don't think I've ever told anyone that before. I can't say osu! didn't play a role in that though.

Things are better now, but I still spend most of my days playing video games from 18:00 when I wake up to 07:00 when I go to bed. Guess I still have a long way to go.

Feel free to hook me up on steam if you ever need someone to talk to/play games with. It does a good enough job of making the day worth living for me at least. That includes you too agu! I've missed talking to you.

I really hope you can find someone that'll stick by you to the end of days. Stay strong and come back stronger.

A lot of people are in a similar situation to you, though probably not with such a severe case of depression. My advice is to go out for walks, either at day or night, I find they make you feel better.

Be strong my friend, hope the best for your journey... and if you come back, please send me a PM and let's have a talk!.

You can do it!

I don't know you at all, so I will keep it simple.

First I want to congratulate you for writing this post. Beside the fact that it's written with great detail and superb quality, opening your heart to other people is already one big step forward. I commend you for that.

I believe you are taking the right decision in your current situation, and I wish you the best of recovery imaginable.

I will be sending good vibes your way!

Take care!

I went to this topic, as I recognized your name, and while we haven't really spoken much during our times together on osu! land, I really hope for the best. I found your vent very profound, heartfelt, and moving to me, if that counts as anything. As you're moving forward, I'm rooting for you, and it'd be awesome to see you around once more in the community and forums. You can do it! <3

The situation you're in sounds tough, and if you want me to be honest, I can't say I understand how you feel since I've never experienced what you're going through.

I do want to support you though, and I hope for the best. Hopefully the treatment goes well, and you can live a normal life like you deserve. Also, you don't need to "thank us for putting up with you." Look at the comments, everyone is just rooting for you.

I think it is safe to say that your decision was the best possible one. Living with one and the same agony every day is not an uncommon Thing, but is still severe. I may not be able to familiarize to your degree, Luna, but I've had my hard times as well. Little companions, no love, all that is hitting hard over the course of life. Motivation gets nullified by self-hate, actions become impossible to execute. It is at that point at which you have to realize that the normal day cycle can not go on as it does at the current situation. This is where "mind" has to become detachable from "feelings". This also takes Motivation, so that might be a bit late for you. That's why your decision in the end was superior to any approach and I am glad that you chose to do this instead of any other stupid solution. If there is going to be a chance for you outside your upcoming Situation - and I am certain that there will be - then I am more than gladly offering my aids. I don't think that you are a simpleton and you have brought up your own evidence for this by explaining your misery, which is probably unfitting, but definitely the correct thing to do in your spot. Therefore you are indeed capable of changing Things and succeeding with this. I just hope that your overtime stay makes you regain the valuable Motivation that you Need.

Good luck, brave man.

Let me reply in native language just for this specific case:

Obwohl es mich überrascht, dass du offenbar Probleme diesen Ausmaßes mit dir herumträgst, bin ich und viele anderen trotzdem froh und auch ein bisschen stolz darauf, dass du immernoch die Kraft dafür aufbringst, dich dieser Art von Problemen (und sei es durch einen Klinikaufenthalt) entgegenstellst. Auch wenn du bis heute glaubst, dass der Wert deiner selbst so gering ist, dass dir jegliche Art von Freundschaft versagt bleiben soll, sei dir sicher, dass dem nicht so ist.

Es ist ein schrecklicher Kreislauf, in dem man sich befindet, sollte man hineingeraten. Man gräbt sich in ein Loch, verliert seine Freunde - und vergräbt sich noch tiefer, weil man den Weg nach oben nicht mehr findet. Du hast glücklicherweise rechtzeitig erkannt, dass das ein Problem ist, aus dem dich selbst nicht mehr ziehen kannst. Manchmal sind solche drastischen Schritte notwendig, da kein anderer zum Ziel geführt hat. Dennoch finde ich es mutig, sich es einzugestehen und diesen Weg zu gehen.

Es ist nicht deine Schuld, dass die Dinge so sind, wie sie sind - auch wenn du es wahrscheinlich nicht so siehst.

Sei dir sicher, dass du, auch wenn man es dir kaum angemerkt hat, trotzdem hier viele Freunde hast, die dich hier jederzeit wieder gerne begrüßen. Auch wenn wir vielleicht keine Freunde sind, die direkt neben dir sitzen, so sind wir doch Freunde, die gerne mit dir Zeit verbringen - auch mit deinem wirklichen Ich.
Natürlich fällt es nicht jedem leicht, mit so etwas umzugehen. Sowohl für dich als auch für deinen Gegenüber. Aber ich denke, für mich und für einige andere (ich schließe mal Ono mit ein) würde das kein Hindernis darstellen, weiter deine Freunde sein zu wollen.

Es ist bedrückend zu sehen, dass es jemandem so schlecht geht und dass man selbst wenig dagegen machen kann, um zu helfen. Aber dafür gibt es halt diejenigen, die dafür ausgebildet sind.

Sollte es dir ein Anliegen sein, könnten wir dich auch besuchen (wenn es dir vielleicht besser geht). Ich denke, da lässt sich was arrangieren, wenn du das möchtest - obwohl du momentan wahrscheinlich ablehnen würdest. Aber schauen wir mal, wenn es dir vielleicht ein wenig besser geht. Mein Angebot steht. Wenn es hilft, dass du nicht mehr glaubst, dass du alleine und nicht erwünscht bist, würde es mir das wert sein.

Ansonsten pass auf dich auf und ich hoffe, dass du auch eines schönen Tages wieder die Sonne auf deiner Haut genießen kannst.

same here dude minus the depression
i call it livin' large

You really need to start working. Any job, anything... and in the long term you can work towards something you actually enjoy.
Being out of work is associated with severely increased rates of depression and suicide.
Your problems sound similar to mine (to more severe degree) when I sit around doing nothing. Can't sleep, feel worthless and useless, basic tasks and socializing become hard.
When you start working and supporting yourself it has a knock on impact on the rest of your life. You'll tired out (in a good way) after a day and sleep easily. You'll have some social interaction with colleagues which is so much better than none at all and will build your confidence.

When you are at the bottom of the pit its impossible to see a way out but you'll be amazed at the difference in your feelings if you just make a few simple changes. You need to take responsibility as no one else will do it for you.

I really would like to say something but I don't even know where to start to do it. I'm sorry.

Things will get better, friend. You will overcome this, I'm sure you will. Stay strong.

Wow I remember you from quite some ago. Pretty sure we never spoke in any case.

Whatever struggle you are dragging through, despite being personal, is all but common to mankind and that much is assured.

I believe you are your own master, as well as your own defeatist.
You must invest yourself in something, to echo a previous post.

There's something in this world for you.
Even the smallest and insignificant of things in appearance have a purpose and meaning, and some higher.

I don't believe we're any different.
All the best in your endeavors. Everyone cares about something.

Du bist definitiv nicht der einzige, der Flucht in einer Community wie diesen ersucht hat. Rhythm Gaming war während meiner Schulzeit das einzige Mittel, meine Gedanken im Rahmen zu halten. All die Mobberei, all die Diskriminierung, all der Hass, den ich ertragen musste, all dieser Schwachsinn den ich mir von sogenannten "Klassenkameraden" anhören musste, diese ewigen Depressionen, all das musste irgendwie ausgeglichen werden, damit ich nicht so wie Du ende. Mir konnte einfach nichts besseres passieren als Stepmania und Taiko. Leute wie Du, Luna, welche mich dabei unterstützt haben, mich besser über mich selbst zu fühlen, haben mir dazu verholfen, letztendlich die dunklen Zeiten hinter mir zu lassen. Dieser Teufelskreis aus ewigem Fall und ständiger Unfähigkeit, dich selbst wieder zu finden, weil Du Dir konstant einredest, dass Du nichts Wert bist. Ich habe es gehasst. Ich wollte es einfach nicht. Ich habe darum gekämpft, etwas besseres zu sein und mir den Willen erkämpft, mich durchzusetzen und einen Wert in etwas zu bekommen. So banal es in einem Spiel wie diesem klingen mag.

Letztendlich konnte ich entkommen. Mir wurde klar, dass Wertlosigkeit etwas ist, dass Du und nur Du Dir selbst einredest und einhergehend Dein eigenes Selbstwertgefühl leidet. Jedes kleinstes Erfolgserlebnis verholf mir zu weiterer Kontrolle über mein Selbstwertgefühl. Zu wissen, dass man selbst eben nicht dieser graue Haufen Elend in einer ohnehin grauen Gesellschaft ist, ist verdammt viel Wert. Und dieser Haufen Elend bist Du nicht. Du hast viel zu unserer kleinen Gemeinde beigetragen, und dafür bin ich Dir sehr dankbar.

Folgend aus all dem, was ich erlebt habe, tut es mir entsprechend sehr Weh, Dich als guten Freund in diesem Zustand zu sehen. Du bist in genau der Situation, vor welcher ich mich damals so gefürchtet habe. Diese unendliche Leere in Dir, dieses Gefühl, dass Du an unsichtbaren Ketten um Deinen eigenen Körper herum gefesselt bist, welche sich von Tag zu Tag enger und enger um Dich bündeln, bis es so sehr weh tut, dass Du vor Deinen Augen nur noch einen einzigen Ausweg siehst.. Aber von diesem Weg möchte ich Dir von ganzem Herzen abraten. Es gibt bestimmt einen anderen Weg. Einen Weg, welchen Du verdienst.

Ich wünschte, ich könnte Dir bei deinem Kampf mehr helfen, als nur einen solchen Text zu schreiben. Wir können Dir hier nur Stützen anbieten, welche dich vom Fallen abhalten sollen. Im Namen all der Personen, welche hier bereits für Dich geschrieben haben, rate ich Dir, diese Stützen entegegen zu nehmen und auch jederzeit wieder hierher zurückzukommen, wenn Du reden möchtest. Dies könnte der härteste Kampf in Deinem Leben werden und Du kannst jedes bisschen Kraft gebrauchen.
Hierbei wünsche ich Dir wirklich das allerbeste Glück, dass Du bekommen kannst. Es wird nicht leicht, dass weißt du wahrscheinlich. Trotzdem hoffe ich, dass Du diese schweren Zeiten mit bravour überstehen kannst. Du musst nur den Willen und die Durchhaltekraft haben, gegen deine Depressionen anzukämpfen.

Mach uns glücklich so wie immer

P.S.: Vergessen wird dich so schnell keiner, darauf kannste Gift nehmen ^^

Since I'm able to visit my apartment for an hour today, I wanted to take the chance to thank everyone for the nice words.
While the hospital stay is really stressful and even painful a lot of the time, I'm determined to see it through to the end. At least I have some human contact, which is a good first step I guess.

Luna wrote:

Since I'm able to visit my apartment for an hour today, I wanted to take the chance to thank everyone for the nice words.
While the hospital stay is really stressful and even painful a lot of the time, I'm determined to see it through to the end. At least I have some human contact, which is a good first step I guess.

That's the way man.
Don't lose sight of your goals.
Stay strong!

Woah, I never thought you are in this condition...
I may not know you much but I'd wish you good luck in the hospital. I am sure that you are aware about all your friends in osu! is still cheering for you, wishing you to be back soon and for you to be playing osu! taiko again. No matter how stressful it may be over there, just hang on to the little hope that you have here. Communicating may be hard but it seemed that you made your first step. That is awesome for a start. If you regard that human contact as a first friend in a long time, maybe just share your feelings to him/her. That will make you feel a lot better. I will be wishing for your health and your social skills to be back.

Once again good luck Luna.

Good Luck and stay stong

Sorry to hear that you lost your ability to function. Going through this crippling episode where you can't meet your obligations or do anything productive really isn't fun. Good to hear that you took the hospital step and have more human contact now.
Keep in mind that you just need to be open with how you feel and both of you (you and the therapist) will be able to settle things and you will be a happier person. You don't have to be good at speaking or expressing there either.
Wish you nothing but the best for the future.

Greetings

good luck

Wow... This is kind of a wakeup call for me since i've been thinking something like this could happen to me after finishing school D:

My life situation is insignificant though, this is your thread.

Sad to see the taiko community losing such a good player and friendly guy, best of luck with the therapy.

I will write this reply in German because I want to make this more personal.

Luna,
es ist sehr traurig zu lesen, dass es dir so schlecht geht, aber ich möchte gerne versuchen, dich aufzumuntern und vielleicht zu einem besseren Leben zu motivieren. An dieser Stelle möchte ich erwähnen, dass ich seit langer Zeit einen Freund hatte, der sehr depressiv gewesen ist. Er wurde psychisch krank und hatte 2 Psychosen, was dazu führte, dass er mehrere Therapien erhielt. Letztenendes konnte ich ihn leider nicht retten und es zerbricht mir das Herz bis heute.
Deshalb weiß ich in etwa, wie du fühlst, und möchte dir etwas klarmachen. Nutze die Zeit in der Therapie, um wieder zu dir selbst zu finden. Nachdem ich deinen Post gelesen habe, ist mir klar geworden, wie intelligent du tatsächlich bist, wie gut du hier deine Situation auf Englisch schilderst. Es macht mich traurig, dass ein so wertvoller Mensch wie du einen solchen Pfad beschreiten muss. Bitte werde dir in der Therapie bewusst, was du möchtest und wie es weitergehen soll. Such möglichst viel Kontakt zu den Psychologen auf, spreche mit ihnen. Es wird dir helfen. Nach der Therapie wird die Klinik dich auf deinem weiteren Weg unterstützen und versuchen, dich wieder in unserer Gesellschaft zu etablieren... wieder ein besseres Leben zu führen. Aber bitte mach kleine Schritte nach vorn... Was du nun am wenigsten gebrauchen kannst, ist eine zu hohe Belastung.

Ich wünsche dir für deinen weiteren Weg alles Gute und hoffe, man hört wieder von dir, sobald es dir besser geht. Bleib stark.

I never run out of gas despite having an unbending philosophy in life of "Literally everything I do and will do is and would be worthless". Your body must be weird or something tbh Socializing is out of the question, no one is forcing you to do that but the most important thing you should know is to never run out of gas. A lot of happy (and also sad) things come to you by themselves as long as you're moving.

But I must guarantee you that not even a truck of cannabis and sexy bundas can help you with that. Silly hospitals won't do shit to your weird problem either of course; all they would do is milk money out of you. No one can treat you other than yourself.

Kunino Sagiri wrote:

the most important thing you should know is to never run out of gas.

Just eat lots of beans. Problem solved.

Kunino Sagiri wrote:

Silly hospitals won't do shit to your weird problem either of course; all they would do is milk money out of you. No one can treat you other than yourself.

Please don't give shit advice to people who are having mental/emotional issues.

Pituophis wrote:

Please don't give shit advice

It's not. Motivation to do anything initially comes from yourself before it comes from others. It's just how it is.

Kunino Sagiri wrote:

Silly hospitals won't do shit to your weird problem either of course; all they would do is milk money out of you. No one can treat you other than yourself.

Motivation to do anything initially comes from yourself before it comes from others. It's just how it is.

This is not true. Here is why:

• 
  1. Therapy is effective.
  
  There are many forms of therapy that were the subject of countless studies, testing them for effectiveness. One of the most studied therapies is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is ok to not just take my word for it, so here is a meta-study that reports on the efficacy of CBT.
  Conclusion of the study:
  Despite these weaknesses in some areas, it is clear that the evidence-base of CBT is enormous. Given the high cost-effectiveness of the intervention, it is surprising that many countries, including many developed nations, have not yet adopted CBT as the first-line intervention for mental disorders. A notable exception is the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies initiative by the National Health Commissioning in the United Kingdom (Rachman & Wilson, 2008). We believe that it is time that others follow suit.
  
  
  2. Mental hospitals in Germany provide a clean environment for the patients to live in.
  
  Having problems with hygiene isn't only doing you physical harm, but also great mental harm. It fundamentally destroys your self-worth. Moving to a clean environment is better than living in your own filth and slowly rotting away mentally and physically, while watching the whole process helplessly. You might argue that people that live in a clean environment will just revert to the old state when they come back home, but that isn't necessarily the case. Many patients work together with social workers to slowly reclaim their lives once they returned, which prevents them from returning to a position where their living situation slowly eats away at them. Having solved this significant problem, further progress can be made.
  
  
  3. Mental hospitals keep watch over suicidal people.
  
  You can't heal when you are dead. It is as simple as that.
  
  
  4. Mental hospitals provide a social life to people that have been formerly isolated.
  
  Social isolation is cruel, it really is. If maintained as default-state for too long, it can lead to severe social anxiety and self-esteem issues, which further prevents people from having social contacts. In mental hospitals, you have professionals talking to you, you also have the option of group-therapy and socializing with other patients. That way, people can slowly adjust to being social again - in an environment where they aren't judged with the worst our society has to offer.
  
  
  5. Mental hospitals don't milk people for money.
  
  Not in Germany at least. Germany has a social insurance system, and its working pretty well. You'd be surprised what is possible when wealth is distributed a bit more evenly and money actually reaches people in need. In most cases, the cost will be covered by your insurance.

"Change only comes from inside" is bullshit. It is way more complicated than that. Every living person is in a continuous feedback-relationship with the world around him, where external circumstances influence your mind and body, while their actions influence the external circumstances. By changing the external circumstances, great and horrible things can be done.

It is a generally accepted fact that negative change in people can be caused by changing their external circumstances. If you torture someone until they pass out and repeat that procedure twice a day for a year, your poor victim will without doubt come out of this completely fucked up. This is an example for negative change in a person, caused by external circumstances (an extreme example, but still valid).
Why shouldn't positive change work the same way? There is no reason to assume that positive change is something that is completely isolated and can not be made more likely by changes in peoples environments.

There are cases where getting help is the best option. Judging from the info OP gave us, it appears to me that this is such a case.

Please don't stand between people and the help that they seek by spreading misinformation and throwing out shallow statements like "It's just how it is". You aren't doing anyone a favor.

Railey2 wrote:

"Change only comes from inside" is bullshit.

I agree but I didn't even say this so who were you quoting? I can't believe you actually chose this thread to argue btw tbh smh

yeah, let's stop that right here

.

Hi, Luna!

wir kennen uns nicht, jedoch verstehe ich deine Lage zumindest annähernd und fühle mit dir.
Eine riesen Respekt dass du damit so offen umgehst.
Du wirst niemals wertlos sein, vergiss das nicht. Dein Kopf spielt dir teilweise einen Streich.

Soviele Leute sind froh dich zu kennen!
Auch das darfst du nicht vergessen! Du kannst also kein schlechter Mensch sein!

Der eigene Kopf kann manchmal der größte Feind sein, das merke ich selbst jeden Tag!
Antriebslosigkeit und dazu noch keine Perspektive zu haben kann wirklich Gift für Körper und Geist sein!
Das kann aber jeden Tag aufs neue wieder anders aussehen.
Wenn du eine Möglichkeit (wenn auch nur durch Zufall) findest, kann dein nächster Tag der schönste Tag deines Lebens werden. Lass dich drauf ein wenns passiert.
Zuviel denken lässt dich genauso Verzweifeln weil man einfach zu keiner lösung kommt.(muss man auch nicht, manchmal kommt sie aus dem nichts)
Verkrampfen bringt nichts!

Du hast soviele Leute hier, die für dich hoffen, dass du wieder gesund wirst!
Die Therapie ist nur ein Teil deiner Genesung! Mit sich selbst ins Reine zu kommen, der andere!
Verbissenheit ist nicht immer der richtige weg!
Verhalte dich so wie du möchtest und versuche nicht einem lebensstandart hinterherzurennen.
Versuch dich frei von Drängen zu entwickeln so wie du es willst, und stör dich nicht an irgendwelchen standards!

Es gibt soviele Sachen die darauf warten von dir entdeckt zu werden, die dir wieder neue Kraft schenken (sogar manchmal mehr als du denkst)
und dir sogar mehr als nur Freude bereiten.
Glaub mir, auch wenns für dich im Moment nicht so aussieht, du kannst es.

Versuche nicht jeden Fehlschlag sofort als mega fail abzustempeln, das macht dich sonst verrückt.
Es wird ein langer Weg, aber er wird es wert sein!

Lass dich nicht zu sehr mit Medikamenten vollpumpen, die helfen dir eher, dich komplett zu verschließen und evtl sogar dabei später noch schlimmere Gedanken zu haben.
Ein Klarer Kopf ist viel wichtiger als man annimmt.
Besonders solltest du auf deinen Körper hören, du kennst dich selbst am besten!

Ich hoffe dass du bald deinen eigenen Weg findest!
Melde dich bei uns wenn du mal einfach Quatschen willst. Du wirst als Mensch geschätzt und nicht weil du n guter Osu spieler bist...das hat damit rein gar nichts zu tun. Dein Skill ist absoluter Bonus zu deiner (wie ich finde) super netten Persönlichkeit!
Dass du dir darüber solche Gedanken machst sagt alles!

Lass dich nicht hängen und glaub an dich selbst!

DU KANNST ES!

Kunino Sagiri wrote:

I never run out of gas despite having an unbending philosophy in life of "Literally everything I do and will do is and would be worthless". Your body must be weird or something tbh Socializing is out of the question, no one is forcing you to do that but the most important thing you should know is to never run out of gas. A lot of happy (and also sad) things come to you by themselves as long as you're moving.

But I must guarantee you that not even a truck of cannabis and sexy bundas can help you with that. Silly hospitals won't do shit to your weird problem either of course; all they would do is milk money out of you. No one can treat you other than yourself.

Most retarded thing I've read lmfao gtfo

chaee wrote:

Kunino Sagiri wrote:

I never run out of gas despite having an unbending philosophy in life of "Literally everything I do and will do is and would be worthless". Your body must be weird or something tbh Socializing is out of the question, no one is forcing you to do that but the most important thing you should know is to never run out of gas. A lot of happy (and also sad) things come to you by themselves as long as you're moving.

But I must guarantee you that not even a truck of cannabis and sexy bundas can help you with that. Silly hospitals won't do shit to your weird problem either of course; all they would do is milk money out of you. No one can treat you other than yourself.

Most retarded thing I've read lmfao gtfo

read between the lines , also watch your words since you made both OP and "kunino sagiri" retarded...

Well, I'm out of the hospital for now. The stay was a bit shorter than expected, but I'm going into assisted living from now on, so that's a thing. Not exactly elated by that prospect, but I guess it's necessary...
In case anyone wants to know my precise diagnosis, for whatever crazy reason:
Severe depressive episode without psychotic symptoms (F32.2)
Obsessive-compulsive disorder - Predominantly obsessional thoughts or ruminations (F42.0)

Still don't feel like anything really improved, but maybe the added stability and structure from the assisted living will help. It's definitely going to be a long road, and so far it doesn't feel like it leads anywhere, but I guess I'll have to keep on going and maybe some day my situation will improve... Really hard to believe in that kind of stuff though.
Anyway, thanks for all the nice and encouraging words that everyone left for me. I'll try my best not to give up.

Welcome back.

nice to see you back home. hope the assisted living helps. feel free to hit me up if you see me around o/

It is kind of hard to believe whether your situation will get better or not but always remember that the osu! community believes in you that you can turn your life around and make it worthwhile.

It's always tough at first, but once you get past that initial hurdle, you'll be able to rummage through the rest of this long and bumpy road.

Willkommen zurück! /internet hugs