Before I went to school for music therapy, I wanted to be an actor. I guess that's why I always tend to cause drama.
Anyways, I'm not expecting anything to come from this. However, after some discussion with various people, I've decided it's probably best to just get this out to the public.
For those that don't know, I was a BN from August 24th, 2014 - March ?? 2015. This was after a constant struggle for about 4 years to become a part of the BAT. Throughout my process of appliocations, I was denied time and time again, generally for my behavior, as I tended to joke around a lot in the game by using innapropriate humor. While I made people happy and laugh, I was silenced many times for it, and it barred me from joining the BAT for only that reason. It's been a hell-bent 6 years in the game, but I was finally added to the BAT, aka the BN, when the teams were split. Ironically, I was added mid 2-week silence, as I was planning on just letting my account rot for a while. I contributed heavily to the modding community, and made it to the #3 ranked spot of the BN (and often held the #1 ranked spot on the monthly rankings). However, I often felt that I was disrespected as, when I tried to contribute, I was either shut down by the staff, or otherwise ignored. I felt disrespected as I still was seen as unworthy even though I had proven myself worthy. I tried to change my behavior, and I did successfully for a while. Janurary 3rd, I was screwing around in #modhelp, when Loctav made a comment about me never being able to join the QAT. I didn't think much of it then, but it stuck with me, and fueled my unhappiness into anger. A few ignored posts later and a deleted post in Beatmap Management later, I ended up wanting to quit the team. I officially quit in Feburary, but after sending 4 PMs to Loctav (and 1 to p3n), I was barred from leaving due to the rules. Around this time, the BAT was also being dismantled into the BN. In March, I decided that I had had enough, and decided to come back and randomly rank bubbled beatmaps. I ranked about 5 maps before accidentally ranking an approval map without a 2nd bubble, and was silenced. Afterwards, I ghost ranked a map, as I still had the option open, and my silence was extended to a month. I was played with by staff, and they tried their best to make fun of me, trying to keep my Beatmap Nominator title on my profile while having me removed from the team. I was happy to have left the team, and that spiraled me into a long process of hatred and disapproval. From then on, I have been the core of spreading hatred of Loctav and the Staff to any of those who would listen. While I feel that I have opened legitimate discussions, and been on the right side of many things, I realize that I've been the cause of so many issues.
I'll go through a few things.
Ask.fm
http://ask.fm/CDFAsk/answer/124409027475
This is the core post in which I express my unhappiness for things. Let me go through each point
1) Loctav still has been rude to many people. He has a harsh tounge and can be very direct and stubborn. But I'm realizing that while he does have these traits, that I have fostered a personality that causes him to express these more directly to me. I tended to act purposely annoying to him, and while I did this in a joking manner because we were speaking as peers and not as professionals, he viewed it as immaturity. While I am still unhappy that this trickled down into the professional aspect of things, I mostly realize that I myself caused him to view me in a negative light
2) I'll avoid this point in light of recent power abuse issues of unnamed parties (and unnamed as in literally nobody outside of the offenders are aware of who pulled offenses), so that I don't look back at this and look stupid.
3) I'm still unhappy about this. But this is a problem with the system and not any specific person. This moreso I was angry about because I had worked so hard to be a part of staff, and leave a lasting impression on the game, I felt disrespected. I still don't care about fancy titles, I just felt as if the lessening and lessening impact that being a BN had would let my contributions to a game that I had worked so hard to build up be lost in time.
4) http://puu.sh/jOZgE/b7122135a2.png . I finally was able to find the chatlog to this statement that honestly was the main drive of my anger. I felt disrespected that my superior still would explicitly deny me something that I worked so hard for, for almost no reason. However, looking back into the chats, I realize that I was being immature at the time. I was joking around stupidly, and Loctav responded in a way that, had I been in the same position, I would have responded. I remembered only that one line instead of the entire story, and left that line running in my head. I've also learned that Loctav has no power to explicitly deny me. . . I think. I'm not sure to be honest. This is mainly the reason I've decided to make this thread, even, as those words were a major cause of my anger for the past 8 months, and I've realized that I was generally in the wrong.
5) No access to the actual post since I no longer have access to the Trello channel, but I still was unhappy about this, and I still am a little bit unhappy about it. Nothing much to say about this. People make boo boos I guess?
6) The members who are being talked about in this post have all since left / been removed from the QAT. I still wish that QAT was more based upon the modding skill of players, rather than if they use good grammar in all of their posts and never express any negative voices, but still. I'm pretty much explicitly wrong about this point.
7) While I'll admit that I still kind of feel this, I have been seeing more civility in how things are handled, and have been able to see that not everything runs Loctav's way.
Am I still unhappy about how some things turned out? Yeah, of course. Do I still feel disrespect? Yeah, I do, a little bit. Is everything my fault? Of course not. Do I still feel like some things are being done wrong or with corruption, and will I still speak out when I feel that? Of course. But the reason I'm making this thread is moreso an admission that I've done things wrong too, and I have overdramatized many of the issues that were moreso the byproduct of my immaturity and inability to see myself anything but positive. I have been running my mouth for the past 8 months or so about the staff, basing it primarily on ignorance and emotions, rather than viewing the full picture and seeing why I haven't been able to leave the rut I keep finding myself in. I've based my emotions on events that I didn't even remember correctly, or events that were just assumed instead of proven.
I'd like to not make this a "waa waa im bitching for attention" sort of thread, but I'd just like to say that at this point, I've found out that my behavior and emotional anger towards one particular individual have been relatively unwarranted, and I'd like to make that known to the community that has been aware of these issues. I'd like to make this known to the staff as well whom have had to deal with these issues, either through outside observance, or personal conversation. I know at this point that my relationship with Loctav is completely destroyed, and will be unable to be fixed, but I feel it's only respectful to state this in written format to various witnesses so I can state that I've made mistakes and have realized that. I know that I'll never be able to shake off the stigma that you have developed against me, but at least I can say that I've attempted to be aware of my issues and have attempted to apologize.
The damage that I've caused for myself over 6 years is irrecoverable, and knowing myself, I'll probably cause more damage to my reputation, especially seeing that my account is currently 1-2 silences away from being permanently banned at the moment. But I've been directing my frustration in the incorrect way. And I'd like to say that it was wrong of me to do that.
I still will stay an active voice in the modding community, and when I think things are wrong, I'll speak out without fear, but I will be aware of myself and see if I am actually contributing to the development of osu! or just expressing personal frustration.
Sorry about that
-CDFA
I also don't know what forum this belongs in so uhh
Anyways, I'm not expecting anything to come from this. However, after some discussion with various people, I've decided it's probably best to just get this out to the public.
For those that don't know, I was a BN from August 24th, 2014 - March ?? 2015. This was after a constant struggle for about 4 years to become a part of the BAT. Throughout my process of appliocations, I was denied time and time again, generally for my behavior, as I tended to joke around a lot in the game by using innapropriate humor. While I made people happy and laugh, I was silenced many times for it, and it barred me from joining the BAT for only that reason. It's been a hell-bent 6 years in the game, but I was finally added to the BAT, aka the BN, when the teams were split. Ironically, I was added mid 2-week silence, as I was planning on just letting my account rot for a while. I contributed heavily to the modding community, and made it to the #3 ranked spot of the BN (and often held the #1 ranked spot on the monthly rankings). However, I often felt that I was disrespected as, when I tried to contribute, I was either shut down by the staff, or otherwise ignored. I felt disrespected as I still was seen as unworthy even though I had proven myself worthy. I tried to change my behavior, and I did successfully for a while. Janurary 3rd, I was screwing around in #modhelp, when Loctav made a comment about me never being able to join the QAT. I didn't think much of it then, but it stuck with me, and fueled my unhappiness into anger. A few ignored posts later and a deleted post in Beatmap Management later, I ended up wanting to quit the team. I officially quit in Feburary, but after sending 4 PMs to Loctav (and 1 to p3n), I was barred from leaving due to the rules. Around this time, the BAT was also being dismantled into the BN. In March, I decided that I had had enough, and decided to come back and randomly rank bubbled beatmaps. I ranked about 5 maps before accidentally ranking an approval map without a 2nd bubble, and was silenced. Afterwards, I ghost ranked a map, as I still had the option open, and my silence was extended to a month. I was played with by staff, and they tried their best to make fun of me, trying to keep my Beatmap Nominator title on my profile while having me removed from the team. I was happy to have left the team, and that spiraled me into a long process of hatred and disapproval. From then on, I have been the core of spreading hatred of Loctav and the Staff to any of those who would listen. While I feel that I have opened legitimate discussions, and been on the right side of many things, I realize that I've been the cause of so many issues.
I'll go through a few things.
Ask.fm
http://ask.fm/CDFAsk/answer/124409027475
This is the core post in which I express my unhappiness for things. Let me go through each point
1) Loctav still has been rude to many people. He has a harsh tounge and can be very direct and stubborn. But I'm realizing that while he does have these traits, that I have fostered a personality that causes him to express these more directly to me. I tended to act purposely annoying to him, and while I did this in a joking manner because we were speaking as peers and not as professionals, he viewed it as immaturity. While I am still unhappy that this trickled down into the professional aspect of things, I mostly realize that I myself caused him to view me in a negative light
2) I'll avoid this point in light of recent power abuse issues of unnamed parties (and unnamed as in literally nobody outside of the offenders are aware of who pulled offenses), so that I don't look back at this and look stupid.
3) I'm still unhappy about this. But this is a problem with the system and not any specific person. This moreso I was angry about because I had worked so hard to be a part of staff, and leave a lasting impression on the game, I felt disrespected. I still don't care about fancy titles, I just felt as if the lessening and lessening impact that being a BN had would let my contributions to a game that I had worked so hard to build up be lost in time.
4) http://puu.sh/jOZgE/b7122135a2.png . I finally was able to find the chatlog to this statement that honestly was the main drive of my anger. I felt disrespected that my superior still would explicitly deny me something that I worked so hard for, for almost no reason. However, looking back into the chats, I realize that I was being immature at the time. I was joking around stupidly, and Loctav responded in a way that, had I been in the same position, I would have responded. I remembered only that one line instead of the entire story, and left that line running in my head. I've also learned that Loctav has no power to explicitly deny me. . . I think. I'm not sure to be honest. This is mainly the reason I've decided to make this thread, even, as those words were a major cause of my anger for the past 8 months, and I've realized that I was generally in the wrong.
5) No access to the actual post since I no longer have access to the Trello channel, but I still was unhappy about this, and I still am a little bit unhappy about it. Nothing much to say about this. People make boo boos I guess?
6) The members who are being talked about in this post have all since left / been removed from the QAT. I still wish that QAT was more based upon the modding skill of players, rather than if they use good grammar in all of their posts and never express any negative voices, but still. I'm pretty much explicitly wrong about this point.
7) While I'll admit that I still kind of feel this, I have been seeing more civility in how things are handled, and have been able to see that not everything runs Loctav's way.
Am I still unhappy about how some things turned out? Yeah, of course. Do I still feel disrespect? Yeah, I do, a little bit. Is everything my fault? Of course not. Do I still feel like some things are being done wrong or with corruption, and will I still speak out when I feel that? Of course. But the reason I'm making this thread is moreso an admission that I've done things wrong too, and I have overdramatized many of the issues that were moreso the byproduct of my immaturity and inability to see myself anything but positive. I have been running my mouth for the past 8 months or so about the staff, basing it primarily on ignorance and emotions, rather than viewing the full picture and seeing why I haven't been able to leave the rut I keep finding myself in. I've based my emotions on events that I didn't even remember correctly, or events that were just assumed instead of proven.
I'd like to not make this a "waa waa im bitching for attention" sort of thread, but I'd just like to say that at this point, I've found out that my behavior and emotional anger towards one particular individual have been relatively unwarranted, and I'd like to make that known to the community that has been aware of these issues. I'd like to make this known to the staff as well whom have had to deal with these issues, either through outside observance, or personal conversation. I know at this point that my relationship with Loctav is completely destroyed, and will be unable to be fixed, but I feel it's only respectful to state this in written format to various witnesses so I can state that I've made mistakes and have realized that. I know that I'll never be able to shake off the stigma that you have developed against me, but at least I can say that I've attempted to be aware of my issues and have attempted to apologize.
The damage that I've caused for myself over 6 years is irrecoverable, and knowing myself, I'll probably cause more damage to my reputation, especially seeing that my account is currently 1-2 silences away from being permanently banned at the moment. But I've been directing my frustration in the incorrect way. And I'd like to say that it was wrong of me to do that.
I still will stay an active voice in the modding community, and when I think things are wrong, I'll speak out without fear, but I will be aware of myself and see if I am actually contributing to the development of osu! or just expressing personal frustration.
Sorry about that
-CDFA
