Kanye West wrote:

who cares about character when you can get pussy tho.

word
pussy > character

Zelda wrote:

word
pussy > character

Hmm...

Makes sense

DEEP Edition


Everyone looks for the same thing. They call it different things—love, happiness, satisfaction—

You keep sloshing through the endless darkness. Cogs and gears can be seen in the distance, twisting and turning while making an unrhythm, if you had to call it anything.

But it's essentially the same thing.

People are broken at birth, spending the rest of their lives looking for the one thing that will set them right.

You retract your arms and fling them to your sides, trying to make some kind of swimming crawl. Your only experience with water would be Free!, so you're practically working with less than nothing. You repeat the motion desperately in an attempt to approach the machinery.

Humans toil away their lives with work, love, and banal pleasures for it—even suicide is just another grasp at it.

You start to notice a change in the distance... You're getting closer, but noticeably higher for some reason.

The words in your mind stop as you ascend back, away from this odd metaphor of a dream.


You wake up. You immediately recall that you're in Elie's room.

You had a good rest, though you managed to wake up with something pressed up against your face. It's really stuffy and and dark too—your head is clearly—

"Wah, what are we gonna do on the bed?", You hear a soft voice say in front of you.

Wait, what

You jolt backwards, sliding yourself out of some sheets. You land butt first on the floor while trying to process what just happened. The morning grog and adrenaline aren't mixing very well, but you manage to get up and take a look around you.

The morning light peers through the window, your makeshift bed is a mess, and Elie's sleeping comfortably on her own.

You must've instinctively sought out the object of your desires.

"Godammit dick, consult me before doing this shit", you whisper to your crotch while slapping your balls.

"Fuck you, you knob", your crotch responds.

"Yeah, if you were long enough"

"Black Salami"

You knee yourself in the crotch and fall to the ground in pain as you realize that what you did is absolutely impossible. Nonetheless, you're on the floor in pain because your classmate's pussy is a hallucinogen. Well, that's the only conclusion you can draw from all this. It's either that or your dick is coming to life.

"Hey Elie, you awake?", you whisper.

"Ungh... Yeah big bro?", Elie responds half-awake, though her usual apathetic tone is gone. Her voice is actually... sweet.

Still, Big Bro. You might as well make the best of it.

"Got any clothes I can borrow?"

"...Closet."

"Thanks, love ya," you give Elie a thumbs up as you turn to the closet but then realize she can't see you.

"Mhmm." Elie turns back to sleep.

The sight warms your heart, but there's little you can do now. Well, there's always forcey fun time as the Brits call it, but the girl in question is French.

A shame.

You open the closet and find a nice sweater vest you can change into. Well, it's nice as far as sweater vests go.



An hour and two Bac'n Bits jars later, you're outside. It's 8:00 AM and you've got shit to do and even more shit to get into. Sunday might be the day of the Lord, but your dad taught you to never give a shit about lords, especially the landlord.

[] Go to the bus station, wait for Karen
[] Go to the faculty building, find Jesse
[] Go to the girl's shower room, set up cameras
[] Go to your dorm room, shitpost in Off-Topic
[] Go to the nurse's office, bother Doctor West

That last sentence made me giggle so damn hard.

I'd say - Go to the shower and set up cams

You aren't fully recovered yet, so go to see Dr. West

Fuck off, fuck with that chav jesse.

another tie incoming?

[] Go to the bus station, wait for Karen
[X] Go to the faculty building, find Jesse
[] Go to the girl's shower room, set up cameras
[] Go to your dorm room, shitpost in Off-Topic
[] Go to the nurse's office, bother Doctor West

You pimp stride to the school's faculty office, even though there's nobody around to look at you. You can't expect much from a school based on a rhythm-game, but who are you to judge?

You arrive at the building, it's two stories tall and as plain as any other one in school. It has a little dirt path connecting it to the main building, kind of showing how little attention this place would get. You note a small roster pinned up to the wall as you go inside. Upon scrutinous examination, you spot Jesse's name on the roster.

"Room 1412. Got it."

You head through some halls until you find the destined room number.



You roundhouse kick the door with the intention of smashing it down, but you break your foot in the process.

"SON OF A BITCH", you shout as you drop to the floor, foot in hand.

You hear a muffled voice coming from the door.

"Uh, if you're looking for him he's further down the hall."

"OH, OKAY THANKS."

Wait, shit.

You regain your composure, get back up, and slap on your coolface. You gently knock on the door.

"Jesse, you in there?"

"What's the password?"

"Niggers are black, my balls are blue. Mix them both, it's what I'll make you."

"Eh, close enough."

You turn the doorknob and step inside to find your homeroom teacher in all of his shining glory. He's sipping some coffee and watching some birds through the window. It's an amazing spectacle to say the least—the birds have freakishly huge arms instead of wings and are cursing at each other in an Australian accent while trying to strangle each other. Odd.

But that's for another time. You've got business to do.

"JESSE."

"Mmh, Shirou?", Jesus says as he turns away from the window. He seemed pretty into it.

"MORNING", you proclaim sternly while taking a seat across his desk.

"Ah, morning. I suppose you're not here for some counseling."

"From what I hear I'll be needing some", you beat around the bush. Though to be honest you have no idea why would you beat around a bush when you could beat on a girl.

"Done your homework, huh? Well, I can't say I'm surprised", Jesse says with a disappointed tone as he turns back to the window. "You've become one of my best students, so I should've seen it coming."

"Cut to the chase man, what attacked me back there? Why? Will I die if I score or something?"

"It's nothing like that, don't worry. You were just attacked by Farmers."

"A farmer attacked me?"

"No, a Farmer. Capitalize that."

"Capi—What?"

"Never mind, it's not like we teach English in this school", Jesus says as he turns to you, a stern look on his face. "Listen Shirou, there are people out there that'd kill to play decently at this game. Literally."

You nod.

"Ever since osu! became an internationally acclaimed sport—Dad knows how or why—people needed to come up with new ways to go the easy way."

"Cheaters, huh? Sounds pretty silly."

"It is, and that's why nobody cares enough to put them down. You're a special case though."

"I am?", you tense up.

"You were attacked by a Farmer—these nasty bastards suck up your skills and use it for their own pointless purposes."

"How do I get it back? The finger speed would be nice when I get a girl."

"Plenty ways to go about that. You can have them have a taste of their own medicine, though you'll need to dig around for that kind of gear. If you can't find them, you can always use it on someone else. You can also just get your skill back naturally—it's not permanent."

"How do I use this equipment?"

"Just make them feel vulnerable and the device will do the rest. No idea where to find one of those farming things though."

"I see..."

"You got all that?"

"Get machine then rape bitches. Got it."

You turn to the window, and back to the killer birds. The pair of birds from earlier are getting beaten by another bird, this one with humongously muscular legs. It's shouting at them in a Texan accent, for some reason.

The odd situation reminds you that you've an appointment to attend, but you don't know if you can be arsed...

[] Jump out the window, meet Karen
[] Chill with Jesse, talk about random shit
[] Rip your shirt off, fight the birds
[] Genuflect

Rip your shirt off, fight the birds. When they inevitably kick your ass and launch you to the ground, then go meet Karen

jump out the window and meet karen

Brian OA wrote:

You turn the doorknob and step inside to find your homeroom teacher in all of his shining glory. He's sipping some coffee and watching some birds through the window. It's an amazing spectacle to say the least—the birds have freakishly huge arms instead of wings and are cursing at each other in an Australian accent while trying to strangle each other.

Ephemeral?

Jump out the window, meet Karen

Genuflect

Get yourself some "Karen"!

"Yo Jesse"

"What's up?"

"I just remembered something."

"Was it important?"

"Fuck... Yeah." You recall you sort of promised you'd meet Karen today.

"Well, all you need is a bit of faith."

Jesse gets up from his desk and pulls a golden ring out of his back pocket, taking no time to place it on his head. A moment later it starts hovering over his head. Then Jesse walks towards you, shining brighter than ever, and places his shoulder on you. A beat starts playing your head. It's a slow one, you'd mistake it for a heartbeat if it weren't for some cymbals in the background.

"You need some faith in a lot of things, but you gotta start with yourself.

"Uh..." You let out an awkward sound as Jesse leans in to your ear.

"Believe in yourself, Shirou."

"How is believing in myself going to help?"

"You don't see it, do you?" Jesse leans away, removing his hand from your shoulder. He stands next to the window with the murderous birds as he smiles confidently. The beat is still playing your head.

"What? What don't I see?"

"Shirou! You can do anything! But first you have to believe in yourself! If you can't see it, then feel my belief in you! Believe in me, who believes in you!"

Before you can make another confused expression, it hits you.


BGM

THAT'S RIGHT, YOU'RE THE GODDAMN BATMAN

FUCK TIME

YOU GET INTO A SPRINT AND MAKE A MAD DASH FOR THE WINDOW. YOU BREAK THROUGH IT, LAUGHING AT THE USELESSNESS OF GLASS WHILE PERFORMING SEVERAL SOMERSAULTS.

And plummet to your death.

"What the shit, I though this was the first floooo-"

"Oh my, I forgot we were on a hill." Jesse comments as he watches you die.

BUT THEN, the birds from earlier swoop down below you and assemble into a massive birdman, sporting three heads and a full set of natty extremities.

"GOHD SAVE THE QUEEN" it cries, catching you in its arms before making an awesome landing on the principal's car. Not sparing another moment on the totaled vehicle, the hulking birdman stars running towards town.

The darn thing, if you can call it anything, is practically striding entire blocks while leveling everything in its path. You can't say you asked for this, but this happened because you believed in something.

Having already pissed yourself, you quietly accept the rough yet muscular ride.

"NOT SO FAST, BATMAN."

"What was that?"

"BLIMEY!"

The sound of a gunshot cracks through the air, and in that moment you fall to the ground. You're in the middle of town, sitting on a sidewalk, and there's a clown with a gun right in front of you. Your bird companions disperse after the clown fires his gun a few more times.

The clown's butt naked, except for the usual clown make up and a little green hat. His entire skin is bleached white, his hair an assortment of red and orange locks, his nose bright red, and his wiener certainly shorter than what your Asian heritage could provide.

"The fuck are you?"

"Name's Deepthroat, cunt!"

"Gross."

"Try saying that once you get on your cocks and beg for my knees!" Deepfaggot points his gun at you menacingly.

"What?"

"What?"

"...What'd I do to you?"

"More like what you ARE going to do!" The clown grins at you manically while lifting his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh, I see, you're joking. Because you're the—"

You instantly pull out a sock from your back pocket, covered and crusted over in so much of your seed that it's practically stronger than steel.

"GO, BATARANG" you throw the sock with the strength of a thousand sweat shop workers, and hitting Deepthroat right in the wrist.

"What—SHIT, MY HAND, YOU BROKE MY HAND! THAT'S MY AIMING HAND YOU SON OF A BITCH" Deepthroat falls to the ground as he clenches his hand in pain, dropping his gun down a sewage drain. "...YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF ME, SHIROU MARINKOVICH!" The weirdo cries as he limps off towards the subway.

But he's cut short as the birds return and rip him to shreds.


...

"You're late!" You arrive at the bus station only to find Karen nagging at you.

"Ah, sorry." You start apologizing while scratching your head.

"What were you even doing?"

"I was uh... Feeding some birds."

"..."

"It's a lot more fun than it's cracked up to be."

"Right. Well, since you're late, you'll be picking what we do first."

What is this, a dat—Oh shit it's a date with class rep

Better fuck this up

You don't know the area too well, but as long as you can come up with a good suggestion...

[] Go to the zoo, feed the birds
[] Go to the arcade, play Taiko
[] Go downtown, get some food
[] Forcey fun time

2nd option

Taiko!

Bitches love taiko.

Taiko obv.

Brian OA wrote:

Better fuck this up

*not

Taiko!

"Alright, let's go to the arcade!", you bellow. "There's one around here, right?"

"An arcade?" Karen cocks her head to the side.

"Yeah!"

"Eh... I-I'd rather not", she says while trying to look away meekly.

"You don't like games?", you insist while trying to ignore your stiffy.

"It's not that..."

"So you like playing games?" You ask her this while ignoring the fact that both of you attend a school that revolves around a children's rhythm game.

"Well yes but—"

"GREAT" You grab Karen by the arm and run in a random direction.

"Sh-Shirou!?"

"It's this way, right?!"

"NO, TAKE THE BUS"


You arrive at the arcade, class rep in hand.

"Whoa, nice", you comment as you admire the rundown arcade. It's in somewhat shabby condition, as is the rest of the little town, but it has nice charm to it. You can hear tempting sounds coming from the building's dim interior, as well as eager children's laughter. You can also hear someone furiously ranting in there, but you've learned not to give a shit.

"...This is the only arcade in town, it's been around for a few years now." Karen says as you step inside.

The interior of the building opens up to a huge hall with rows of assorted arcade games. To the left is a counter with a young man smoking a cig, liadback on a foldable chair while reading a newspaper. The stuffy interior is only lit by the sunlight coming in through the main doors, as well as the varying lights coming from the countless machines. You've seen bigger arcades though, this one's ceiling is a little low and—

"WHOA, AWESOME", you run up to a nearby machine, recognizing immediately, "TAIKO!"

"You know this game?" class reps asks, a little intrigued.

"You kidding?, you say as you pick up the drumsticks, "I used to play this all the time back home!"

After popping a coin into the machine and tapping on the taiko drum a few times, you remember you still suck at rhythm because Farmers. Taiko no Fatsujin should be no exception.

...You try playing a Fuutsuu.

Yeah, you still suck.

"Agh..." You groan.

"It's alright Shirou, it's only been a day since you got attacked, so I understand."

Do you? Well, whatever.

You step back from the machine.

"That's too easy for a warm up, Shirou."

"Huh?"

Karen picks up the sticks, pulls up an Inner Oni set, and slaps a double timer on it

What

Your once dull class rep starts hammering away at the taiko drums as notes slide by on the screen at different speeds. Her arms and wrists move furiously, making an untraceable blur over the drums as her strikes overpower the colorful machine's sounds. You can feel the rhythm bursting out of her every pore as you catch a glint of light casting off her eyes. She's completely immersed, you can tell she'd rather die than let a single note past her.

For some reason you feel kind of horny.

You can tell she's having fun, looking at those slender arms move around those sticks like they're nothing but air.

...That excited look on her face as sweat forms around her cheeks.

...Her entire figure shaking as she gets to a fast(er) section of the map, with her hair fluttering in the dark, and her breasts jiggling with the spee—

"Yo." Someone stops next to you.

"Huh?" You turn around to see it's the guy from the counter. It's still bright enough that you can make out his appearance. He has short black hair, dark skin, and a light red Hawaiian shirt on. He's probably around his mid-twenties or so.

"You a friend of the little miss?" He asks you in a raspy voice.

"Er, yeah."

"Well, I don't mind that you brought her here, but you're in charge of dragging her out."

"What?"

You turn to the taiko machine for a minute.

Karen's set a new record on the machine; upon further inspection you note that the entire leaderboard has the same score on it repeated dozens of times... with her name on it.

"She usually tries not to come here because she'll play until closing time."

"I thought she was just a prude"

"Only on weekdays. There's a crowbar over the entrance if things get rough."

The guy pats you on the shoulder as he goes back to the counter.

Maybe you ought to give everyone in this school a little more credit.

Karen looks at you with a really excited look on her face, clearly proud of herself.

Fuck, what now

[] Silently beat off
[] Take her to lunch
[] Play Taiko with her
[] Go back to campus

Lunch = friendzone.

Play taiko with her and take it up the butt

Play taiko with her

Play Taiko with her fo sho

Play Taiko using her ass as the Don/Katsu drums

Sonatora wrote:

Play Taiko using her ass as the Don/Katsu drums

You start slapping Karen's ass like a nigger, trying to follow the game's rhythm to the best of your ability

"Ahn?!"

"YEEEEE—"

"NON" Some weirdo shows up in a series of backflips, throwing Vienna sausages everywhere.

"WHO ARE YOU?!" You ask, still slapping your class rep's buttcheeks. You know she likes it.

"I AM SONNYCOOLVIPPER, AND THIS IS THE FATE THAT AWAITS THOSE WHO BREACH THE MORAL COMMITTEE'S LAWS!"

The ninja pulls out a katana and slashes you in half.

"DIE, EVILDOER”

You laugh in response as you pull yourself back together.

"HINJAKU, HINJAKU" you comment in Italian as you freeze Vipper with your vampire powers.

But before you manage to freeze him solid, a blue haired hunk appears out of nowhere, his fists ablaze.

"DIOOOO"

"B-BAKANA"

With the power of the Ripple, the young man kills you with a single Overdrive.

You fall thousands of feet off of a conveniently nearby cliff as your body disentigrates to dust, not entirely sure what the hell just happened or why.


Bad end.

Sonatora, what did you do?

F*CK.

Serious Edition


"I WILL WALK OUT OF HERE A STRONGER MAN!", you shout while approaching the second taiko drum. You end up startling some people around you and catch the counter guy's attention, but it dies down as the arcade noises fill back in.

"Sure you can keep up?" Karen states boldly as she flips on an even harder set than before.

"What? Of course not."

Karen cocks her head to the side.

"But I'll be damned if I pass out on a challenge right in front of me!"

"Ooh, that's what I wanna hear!", she says as her face brightens up like a child that just waddled into Gamestop.

You shake your head silently at that comparison and pick up your drum sticks, reflecting on what you ought to do. You don't have any skill thanks to those lolis, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. You weren't really aware of what you were doing, so this might be a good chance to relearn your skills properly. Yeah... you might even end up better than you—

"SA, HAJIMARUDON!" a childish voice shouts out from the machine in German as the game starts up.

You can feel your anal sphincter tightening up for some reason.



Voice

...

An hour has been spent.

You don't know whether you're more disturbed by the abomination of a taiko drum with arms and legs that's dancing onscreen or the fact that Karen is singing along every set and song while kicking your ass. Moreover, you've found that your arms can barely keep up with the required speed; your eyes can hardly follow the notes; and your head is unable to coordinate your body.

The only thing this tells you is that...

It's pointless.

In the words of your childhood hero, it's MUDAMUDAMu... you don't even want to finish that thought.

You shift your eyes to your left and find Karen's actually having fun.

Of course she would; she's good at this. But you? You've lost it. You didn't even know you had it in the first place but it was there and you goddamn lost it.

"Are you alright?" Karen's smile turns down as quickly as she puts down her drumsticks.

Shit, you must look dejected right now. You fumble with your words, trying to reply as naturally as possible.

"I'm..."

[] Try one more set
[] Tell her what's going on
[] Lie


Have some doodle while I'm at it

mmm, tough decision....

maybe the 2nd option

Tell her what is goin' on

Hi Bran, because you've asked so kindly i'll play along.
Just because it's you. <3

On topic:


Besides that, here's small coincidentally-fitting backstory;
I happen to play very frequently in MP with Karen (obviously, o!m) in the past and got my ass beat a lot of times but i kept going, regardless of my low stamina back then (and tons of challenge maps).

Improved my stamina by a bit and also got little more consistent because i was so sturdy by not giving up.

[x] Try one more set


and if this story/plot ending is about getting the protagonist/main character laid:

[x] Tell her what's going on

Id tell her whats going on...

[X] Lie and tell her you have diabetes

Sonatora wrote:

[X] Lie and tell her you have diabetes

^ loooool

Tell her what's up.

"I'm not really okay", you say looking down.

"What's wrong?", Karen approaches you with a worried look. You hate spoiling shit like this as much as going on weeboards and telling everyone that Lelouch dies, but you're already knee deep in this shit. Might as well go all out.

"I...", you fumble around for the right words while facing the ground and say, "I was attacked by Farmers."

"..."

"..."

"..." You turn to look at Karen.


She has a confused look on her face. Unsure as to how to reply, you say:

"Uhm, a Farmer is—"

"I know what a Farmer is, Shirou", Karen says while closing her eyes and furrowing her brow. "What about it?"

"What?"

"You were attacked by a Farmer, I know that, so what?"

"You knew and didn't tell me?"

"I'm your class representative, of course I'd know! And it's not like it's top-secret information! There are posters about them all over the school! We even have one in the classroom!"

"Oh." You immediately recall that there is, in fact, a poster like that in your classroom. It had big red letters saying 'Beware of Cheaters' with a cute girl right next to it. She kind of looked like Kate Beckinsale, now that you think abou—

"Honestly Shirou, are seriously this dense?" Karen shakes her head.

"Uh..."

"Okay, fine you were attacked by lovesmackers, why are you down?"

"Well..." you look at the taiko machine "I suck."

You turn back to Karen as she sighs.

"Look Shirou, everyone in this academy deals with that. Everyone knows they're bad even when they're #1 in their class. We could all be better at what we're good at and that depresses us...But at the same time, that's what drives us forward. "

Her face turns from one of a nagging class rep into one of—dare you think it?—a mother caring for her child.

"It's only been a couple days Shirou. You're in this school for a reason and so are those cheaters. You'll get your skills back no problem and give those idiots what for."

You didn't think a prude would be cheering you up, of all people.

Karen awkwardly pats your back with a frown while letting out a swagger.

But this might not be so bad.

"...Thanks."

With her words in your heart, you almost can't wait for tomorrow. Yeah, you have class tomorrow. It might be even better if you could lose your v-card by then.

"Hey class—no, Karen, you might showing me around town?"

"Huh? But what about Taiko?"

"..."

You shift your gaze at the counter guy, who just shrugs at you.


NORMAL END

phew at least we didn't get killed. but that's it?

On to the next run-through!