Same hereMakan1 wrote:
I talk to myself for 30 mins at a time when I need to be alone and walk out. Not conversations, I'm not fucking mental but talking to myself and telling my self stories or pretending I'm a narrator of what I am currently doing etc...
I think most people will do this if they are alone and we are barely alone at times online so go outside, find a nice park and take a 40 min walk and I'm sure you will be talking or thinking of cool scenarios and it'll take up your time. I like walks
forum
Confess II: Confess Harder
posted
Total Posts
543
Well, I 'commentate' things that happen in my thoughts almost the whole time, especially in games.Makan1 wrote:
I talk to myself for 30 mins at a time when I need to be alone and walk out. Not conversations, I'm not fucking mental but talking to myself and telling my self stories or pretending I'm a narrator of what I am currently doing etc...
I think most people will do this if they are alone and we are barely alone at times online so go outside, find a nice park and take a 40 min walk and I'm sure you will be talking or thinking of cool scenarios and it'll take up your time. I like walks
I also think of answers in English, when talking to someone for example. It's easier to express myself in English.
@ Brian OA
What's wrong with it? What's wrong with your family?
I don't really mind that I won't have contact with them anymore.
They're just a huge pain in the ass when I have to talk with them. They're one of the last people on earth that I would want a conversation with.
(On my android atm, I couldn't quote your reply.)
Speaking of commentating yourself, is it completely normal to go on a rampage on GTA V and pretend to be the news chopper guy as everything is going to shit?
I don't think it's normal per se, but it's fine I guess. I used to that on scary games like Resident Evil when I was kid so I wouldn't feel so frightened.
How are they annoying? Too overbearing? No common interests?
It's coolChris9427 wrote:
I don't really mind that I won't have contact with them anymore.
They're just a huge pain in the ass when I have to talk with them. They're one of the last people on earth that I would want a conversation with.
(On my android atm, I couldn't quote your reply.)
How are they annoying? Too overbearing? No common interests?
Same here...huehue.Makan1 wrote:
I talk to myself for 30 mins at a time when I need to be alone and walk out. Not conversations, I'm not fucking mental but talking to myself and telling my self stories or pretending I'm a narrator of what I am currently doing etc...
I'm NOT the only one!!! Yahooooo!Makan1 wrote:
I talk to myself for 30 mins at a time when I need to be alone and walk out. Not conversations, I'm not fucking mental but talking to myself and telling my self stories or pretending I'm a narrator of what I am currently doing etc...
I think most people will do this if they are alone and we are barely alone at times online so go outside, find a nice park and take a 40 min walk and I'm sure you will be talking or thinking of cool scenarios and it'll take up your time. I like walks
I also sing.
Singing + walking fast to catch a bus is hard. So it may be my fault if it's been raining the whole summer in France. Sorry, truly. -_-#
It's mostly just minor things, but even minor problems become a major problem when there are too much of them.Brian OA wrote:
It's coolChris9427 wrote:
I don't really mind that I won't have contact with them anymore.
They're just a huge pain in the ass when I have to talk with them. They're one of the last people on earth that I would want a conversation with.
(On my android atm, I couldn't quote your reply.)
How are they annoying? Too overbearing? No common interests?
The way they talk to me, for example. They also keep opening the door of my room without knocking, which scares me every time.
I also have 2 little brothers, which are 6 - 4 years old, so they're really noisy. I hate kids, especially when they can't stop yelling. I have to listen to music on almost full volume, which probably already damaged my hearing quite a lot.
I also can't access the Internet with my PC for a few weeks now, because my parents forgot their keys, and I was asleep, so I couldn't open the door for a while. ( They were waiting from 9 am till 2 pm )
I'm Breathing!
Seems to me like you should just loosen up. If it's just minor stuff like waltzing into your room then just calmly confront them about it. Ask them to knock first or put a little reminder by the door for example.Chris9427 wrote:
If it's about kids, there's always a way to deal with them. They're always noisy, but you can usually keep them distracted or have them move someplace that doesn't bother you as much. Having commuted to school for twelve years by bus, I typically kept a lot of the younger students busy by telling them stories, teaching them about crap, or bringing stuff like comic books or video games to keep them busy.
That said, it does take quite a bit of patience. Dealing with family, that is. Everyone supports each other through their own selfish reasons and that's why it's so weird most of the time.
You seem even better at slurping semenFluffyTeddy wrote:
I'm Breathing!
That's easier said that done. Kids just don't simply annoy me. I have a deep hatred for them, especially my brothers. Just hearing their voices is a pain.Brian OA wrote:
-snip-
I can't talk with them.
And the problem with my parents.. ny father literally rips the door open as loud as he can, for the sole purpose to scare the shit out of me. It wasn't that bad the first few weeks, but after 3 years...
It's probably not that long anymore till I can finally move out and live alone. I'll just wait and see what happens. That's how I always solved my problems.
I want to get backdoored
Nothing is easy when it comes to dealing with people, but well, I've given you my two cents. If that's how you'll roll, then go ahead.Chris9427 wrote:
Family is really hard to deal sometimes because even though they share your own blood, they are still different people than you with different ideas. If you think the only solution is to move out, then that's fine. Nobody says that you have to love your biological family at all costs.Chris9427 wrote:
That's easier said that done. Kids just don't simply annoy me. I have a deep hatred for them, especially my brothers. Just hearing their voices is a pain.Brian OA wrote:
-snip-
I can't talk with them.
And the problem with my parents.. ny father literally rips the door open as loud as he can, for the sole purpose to scare the shit out of me. It wasn't that bad the first few weeks, but after 3 years...
It's probably not that long anymore till I can finally move out and live alone. I'll just wait and see what happens. That's how I always solved my problems.
"You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family."Dulcet wrote:
Family is really hard to deal sometimes because even though they share your own blood, they are still different people than you with different ideas. If you think the only solution is to move out, then that's fine. Nobody says that you have to love your biological family at all costs.
It's all about having luck again.
To put it simple, ideological difference. It's not like they're communist and I'm liberal, but we have a different way of doing pretty much everything (and apparently my way of doing things irritate them, a lot). They're a follower of "introvert=bad" equation and I'm the only introvert in the family. And they keep bragging about togetherness (I don't think that's the right word), but they lack coordination internally.Brian OA wrote:
What's wrong with it? What's wrong with your family?
As for your first question, I'm sorry, I'm not going to answer that. It's way too personal and I'm not going to tell a guy in Panama whom I just met over the internet several months ago. But you're a smart guy, I know you can understand.
With that outlook on life no wonder you don't like your family. Relationships, trust, love, and understanding aren't built on luck, bud. It is easier said than done but, there are no magical fixes. Stuff like that doesn't get any better just by sitting on your ass and waiting. It's all up to you. So get up off your keister, get out of here, and go start doin' the work. Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.Chris9427 wrote:
It's all about having luck again.
My family throws the same tripe at me but that's not really a good reason to dislike them for it. I mean, that doesn't really matter per se.piruchan wrote:
To put it simple, ideological difference. It's not like they're communist and I'm liberal, but we have a different way of doing pretty much everything (and apparently my way of doing things irritate them, a lot). They're a follower of "introvert=bad" equation and I'm the only introvert in the family. And they keep bragging about togetherness (I don't think that's the right word), but they lack coordination internally.
Sure an argument about that can get infuriating, but your opinions and approaches to a social life shouldn't affect your relationship with them. Otherwise I would have impaled my brother by now considering we even argue about the way we drink soup. My dad still comes up to me every once in a while and he tells me shit that can be summarized as >tfw your son has tfw no gf.
But hey, that doesn't stop me from hanging around them, supporting them when they're down, and eventually hear a "thanks" or a really fast almost kind of tsun reaction consisting of saying "you're gay" and then running to his/her room. 'Cause I know they'd do the same if I let them. I guess the payback is worth it too sometimes.
So really, if the thing isn't working out, it has to be something else.
As for your first question, I'm sorry, I'm not going to answer that. It's way too personal and I'm not going to tell a guy in Panama whom I just met over the internet several months ago. But you're a smart guy, I know you can understand.I'm not really up for farming affection points so I won't push it.
I don't use the toaster as much as I want to, because each time I use it, it scares the shit out of me.
The general public has a false view on introverts.
And we cant help it
Im the kind of person that needs my alone time sometimes, and i hate huge ass parties or large gatherings.
But im not anti social
I love hanging out with my best buddies of course...
But in groups of 2-3 ....
Thats is because i can have quality time with said person
Being in large crowds and big groups overwhelms me..
I cant help to wonder... how are these people able to handle so many people at the same time
because i wouldnt be able to
Maybe some extroverts can share their view on this...?
Im really curious...
Is it still considered quality time
Well i have another thing about me tho...
I really enjoy being alone..
You know how when you go to a mall by yourself... it feels like i have all the time in the world to do whatever i want to.
Without needing to worry about going back at said time to do this and that... or stuff like that
And everything just runs so smoothly at your own pace it feels so relaxing.
And when you have dinner or any meal by yourself.. picking a place to eat which is your own favourite place without having to worry about anyone wanting to go somewhere else feels wonderful.
Taking your time to do whatever you want at your own pace .
Thats what makes being alone so good for me sometimes
But dont get me wrong though...
Being alone is not equivalent to being lonely...
Being lonely just plain right sucks
I wish people would understand introverts more instead of calling us antisocial and not wanting to mix with people...
Just..
Yeah.....
And we cant help it
Im the kind of person that needs my alone time sometimes, and i hate huge ass parties or large gatherings.
But im not anti social
I love hanging out with my best buddies of course...
But in groups of 2-3 ....
Thats is because i can have quality time with said person
Being in large crowds and big groups overwhelms me..
I cant help to wonder... how are these people able to handle so many people at the same time
because i wouldnt be able to
Maybe some extroverts can share their view on this...?
Im really curious...
Is it still considered quality time
Well i have another thing about me tho...
I really enjoy being alone..
You know how when you go to a mall by yourself... it feels like i have all the time in the world to do whatever i want to.
Without needing to worry about going back at said time to do this and that... or stuff like that
And everything just runs so smoothly at your own pace it feels so relaxing.
And when you have dinner or any meal by yourself.. picking a place to eat which is your own favourite place without having to worry about anyone wanting to go somewhere else feels wonderful.
Taking your time to do whatever you want at your own pace .
Thats what makes being alone so good for me sometimes
But dont get me wrong though...
Being alone is not equivalent to being lonely...
Being lonely just plain right sucks
I wish people would understand introverts more instead of calling us antisocial and not wanting to mix with people...
Just..
Yeah.....
Whatever the general public thinks about introverts doesn't really matter. They're not your friends and they won't ostracize you just because you're reserved.
That's plain dumb.
Of course, I can totally relate with staying alone. It's easy and simple. Nobody to drag you down or suck you in some weird place; all decisions are unanimous; and nobody's around to judge you.
However, getting out of your comfort zone does give you plenty of opportunities (tfw no gf) you normally wouldn't get otherwise. A friend can only bring out a certain side out of another, so going out in larger groups does let you enjoy different kinds of interactions from the same people. In a sense it's still quality time, it's just spent more as a group than a pair. Thus you get bonds that are formed and identify themselves as teams, classes, residence halls, and so on.
It's not particularly hard though; you're not interacting with everyone at the same time (say the group is made up of six or eight people) so you just switch around different subgroups within and kinda wing it through. Sometimes you'll end up spending more time interacting with some more than others and that's fine. The same happens to everyone else.
Anyway, the only advice I can give you is to relax around groups the same way you would when you're alone. You can't reach out to others or respond to them otherwise. It is hard to socialize properly but you can't go through life's joys properly without it. You can even sperg your way through it as long as it's your style. I mean, I'm not as smooth as my brother or anything and I'm way too immature for any of that shit but you'll figure your way around it with enough time. Before you know it, the very people you meet will motivate you even further (unless they happen to be thugs or cunts, in which case promptly run away)
TL;DR Loosen the fuck up socializing is not a big deal; go back home and relax as needed. Nothing to be insecure about. Refer to this if in doubt.
That's plain dumb.
Of course, I can totally relate with staying alone. It's easy and simple. Nobody to drag you down or suck you in some weird place; all decisions are unanimous; and nobody's around to judge you.
However, getting out of your comfort zone does give you plenty of opportunities (tfw no gf) you normally wouldn't get otherwise. A friend can only bring out a certain side out of another, so going out in larger groups does let you enjoy different kinds of interactions from the same people. In a sense it's still quality time, it's just spent more as a group than a pair. Thus you get bonds that are formed and identify themselves as teams, classes, residence halls, and so on.
It's not particularly hard though; you're not interacting with everyone at the same time (say the group is made up of six or eight people) so you just switch around different subgroups within and kinda wing it through. Sometimes you'll end up spending more time interacting with some more than others and that's fine. The same happens to everyone else.
Anyway, the only advice I can give you is to relax around groups the same way you would when you're alone. You can't reach out to others or respond to them otherwise. It is hard to socialize properly but you can't go through life's joys properly without it. You can even sperg your way through it as long as it's your style. I mean, I'm not as smooth as my brother or anything and I'm way too immature for any of that shit but you'll figure your way around it with enough time. Before you know it, the very people you meet will motivate you even further (unless they happen to be thugs or cunts, in which case promptly run away)
TL;DR Loosen the fuck up socializing is not a big deal; go back home and relax as needed. Nothing to be insecure about. Refer to this if in doubt.
I don't know what I'm going to do after high school, and I could be only 2 months away from finishing it, if things go well.
You can opt for an undecided major in college. They'll let you ride that for up to two years, but you'd best get on figuring out what you're going to do as soon as you can.
Random bump.
Everytime I'm on the aeroplane. I NEVER flush the toilet. It scares the CRAP out of me.
Everytime I'm on the aeroplane. I NEVER flush the toilet. It scares the CRAP out of me.
I'm the same, and I'm in college. I'm probably too lazy/incapable of doing most jobs.Trash Boat wrote:
I don't know what I'm going to do after high school, and I could be only 2 months away from finishing it, if things go well.
I go on omegle sometimes, with the common interests tag as 'osu' ;(
I keep a flash drive with all the Osu maps I download on it, so I can switch computers easily. (And for when one of my computers break)
I want to punch anyone who is ignorant enough to believe that just because someone likes anime they're automatically a weeaboo/otaku. I mean, I don't go and say that "baseball is a homo sport" because it involves balls and the bat could be a euphemism for some guy's meat stick.... Some people are ridiculous
I like watching 10 minute videos of just dominoes collapsing on each other.
The first time they get set up, they feel empowered standing in large groups, confident that together they can please the one who was kind enough to get them on their feet yet fate is cruel and they discover the hands that raised them did it with the intent of watching them fall; and with a small push from a finger, they all fulfill what the human wanted. Rinse and Repeat.
I molested my own sister when I was 6 and trying to have sex at 7.. my life cant be more wrong than this.. I am a monster deep inside, no matter what..
venting shit
I'm excited but scared of what the future holds for me. I'm supposed to be a senior next year, and pressure from my family has pretty much been set upon my shoulders. I've always been the honors student, the one who's gotten A's and B's. I used to be way more sociable, happy, and optimistic when I was younger; now it feels like any redeeming qualities I may have had about myself are just gone. I'm struggling with some classes (though I have gotten better this semester, I think), and my procrastination has only gotten worse. I've become more introverted, shy, and quiet around others unless we're very close friends, and my self-esteem and confidence has kind of hit rock bottom. My anxiety seems to get in the way when I try to make new friends; I'm afraid of initiating conversations, and I get so scared of disappointing them or not living up to their "expectations." Every time I've chatted in-game, I only speak to them for a day. After that, they're gone. If anything, I feel like it's my fault. I want to meet someone in which we can share a "mutual closeness" with, rather than being tossed aside and forgotten about. I've come across lots of people that I'd like to be friends with, but just don't have the courage to talk to. I want to be able to get my shit together and be able to become a better person. I want to be ready for what comes ahead in life, and to enjoy life for what it is while I still have time to do so.
Confess huh
mmmm
Something NOT so personal but personal
Ok
I can never get close with anyone on the internet no matter how hard I try
mmmm
Something NOT so personal but personal
Ok
I can never get close with anyone on the internet no matter how hard I try
My Reasoning
I'm talking about both friendship and relationship
It's probably cus they don't see me face to face, but I personally think that's the beauty of it. Ya know? When the first thing you see is the most genuine side of someone, who they want to be. Cus that's what it is on the internet, people just be who they want to be. And you might say they can fake a personality, but I argue that's the same with in real life. And these kind of people break after a while. In fact, when you get face to face, there is more cover, more disguise, there is more fear to be someone that is good.
Sounds retarded, I know, but that's just my experience.
People tend to tell me stuff like "be careful who you meet on the internet, you never know who they are". But seriously though, it's the same with anyone you meet "in real life". Kinda like how nobody knew Ted Bundy was a killer. In that sense, it's even more dangerous irl, because on the internet, if trash goes wrong, you have some time to get away. And believe me, if they're a serial killer, they ain't gonna fly all the way to Jamaica just for that one kill.
And then they say there is the creepy guys who will stalk you, and threat you and start this madness love and end up coming to your house.
Seriously though, do you think everyone is that retarded? The chances of you getting hit by one of these guys is probably just about the same as getting stalked by some creep in real life. Again, the latter is the worse case. Cus even if they were, do you think they have the money for it????
It takes A LOT to go to your house!!
I mean after all, the internet was made to bring people together.
I just honestly don't see why "irl friends" are more trustworthy than "online friends"
It just pisses me off that no matter how hard I try, there is just that "internet" wall between me and my friends
Or maybe it's just my personality, Idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
For relationships though, there is the problem of timezones and not being able to get physical, which I guess is an essential part. But that's what makes it better when you DO get together right? Kinda like finally being able to eat that cookie after waiting for an hour, drooling. It just really depends on if you can get past that drooling time and not give up.
It's probably cus they don't see me face to face, but I personally think that's the beauty of it. Ya know? When the first thing you see is the most genuine side of someone, who they want to be. Cus that's what it is on the internet, people just be who they want to be. And you might say they can fake a personality, but I argue that's the same with in real life. And these kind of people break after a while. In fact, when you get face to face, there is more cover, more disguise, there is more fear to be someone that is good.
Sounds retarded, I know, but that's just my experience.
People tend to tell me stuff like "be careful who you meet on the internet, you never know who they are". But seriously though, it's the same with anyone you meet "in real life". Kinda like how nobody knew Ted Bundy was a killer. In that sense, it's even more dangerous irl, because on the internet, if trash goes wrong, you have some time to get away. And believe me, if they're a serial killer, they ain't gonna fly all the way to Jamaica just for that one kill.
And then they say there is the creepy guys who will stalk you, and threat you and start this madness love and end up coming to your house.
Seriously though, do you think everyone is that retarded? The chances of you getting hit by one of these guys is probably just about the same as getting stalked by some creep in real life. Again, the latter is the worse case. Cus even if they were, do you think they have the money for it????
It takes A LOT to go to your house!!
I mean after all, the internet was made to bring people together.
I just honestly don't see why "irl friends" are more trustworthy than "online friends"
It just pisses me off that no matter how hard I try, there is just that "internet" wall between me and my friends
Or maybe it's just my personality, Idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
For relationships though, there is the problem of timezones and not being able to get physical, which I guess is an essential part. But that's what makes it better when you DO get together right? Kinda like finally being able to eat that cookie after waiting for an hour, drooling. It just really depends on if you can get past that drooling time and not give up.
confession
what the fuck the above two posts are literally the only two thoughts i have about life
i mean i want to be a waifu material too, but every time i end up posting weird autistic shit that distances everyone from me
but i guess ...
it...
DEPENDS
AYYYYYYYYYYY
i did it again, didnt i?
i will not embrace e-autism
but i guess ...
it...
DEPENDS
AYYYYYYYYYYY
i did it again, didnt i?
i will not embrace e-autism
Is this the vent thread? OK then.
Why do we put these in boxes?
I feel as if I'm worthless and can't do anything. Anything I attempt I am trash at, or at least there is someone right next to me that can do it better. I find it satisfying when I solve a problem when I sit down and code, but get let down when I realize I don't know how to do shit on github (fork a project, help out with a program), and I don't even know how to build shit from its source code. I can play piano, but it's very basic, and I have trouble playing with both hands. I know the answer is "play more", but I've been playing since I was 11, almost seven years now, and it seems as if I haven't improved at all. I used to think I was good at math until this year's finals started popping up. I used to not need to study ever but now I'm checking out library books and studying my ass of for this. And I'm not even good anymore, my knowledge of high school math is limited when compared to other people's, especially on the internet. I remember desperately trying to follow with the probability debate in OT Bingo 2, and feeling lost and confused instead. My writing skills are not up to par with my peers, either. Whenever I try to write fiction I either get off topic or it ends up boring because the conflict is weak. My drawing is probably the aspect I am the worst at. I couldn't draw something good even if my life depended on it, and I feel really bad whenever I see people's masterpieces in the Art subforum.
My social skills are shit as well. I can't keep a conversation going at all, and I have no one to talk to during lunch. My greatest fear is probably dying alone, but I have given up on the possibility of avoiding that a long time ago.
I'm not even good at the things I enjoy. I can't get under 25k no matter how hard I try, and I always get 5th place or less whenever I play multiplayer. My skills are nonexistent and I know it.
I feel as if I can't do anything anymore.
My social skills are shit as well. I can't keep a conversation going at all, and I have no one to talk to during lunch. My greatest fear is probably dying alone, but I have given up on the possibility of avoiding that a long time ago.
I'm not even good at the things I enjoy. I can't get under 25k no matter how hard I try, and I always get 5th place or less whenever I play multiplayer. My skills are nonexistent and I know it.
I feel as if I can't do anything anymore.
no tldr
ayy idk where to start this is going to be long..
I've read a few confessions above and although I might not feel the same way others do about their own situation (since everyone has different experiences), I felt that everyone goes through a similar pain. Again, like always, I'm listening to a pretty messy song right now so this post isn't going to be that contained. Prepare your dyslexia.
First thing on my mind. I've had this thought for about 5 years now. I've lived a dynamic life, and turns out I'm attending my seventh school and living in my fifth country over the duration of 12 years. Which means.... I haven't had enough time to socialize anywhere. Unable to make friends. At school I'm just a kind and smiley student who gets along with everyone, but outside of school I don't have anyone to talk to, nor I go out of my house often. I sometimes ignore my friends' chat because I feel like it's a waste of time. Lunch time is mostly by my own because again, I enjoy eating my lunch fast and chilling for the leftover minutes. Sometimes I'll visit my friends' lunchtable and enjoy - it's really fun talking to friends and eating lunch together - just to feel like I've wasted time and eating lunch by myself again the next day.
Me irl or on the internet is pretty happy mostly because I try not to think about anything. Sometimes I think I'm too lenient. People think I'm easy. I try to meet their expectations and tend to be easy with. There's a rude girl in the grade below and she insults me all day but I just get it over with a smile or laugh. Some probably think I'm dumb because I really don't try to do shit. I've had something similar to depression over the last two years, thinking about suicide at times (not nowadays because I stopped thinking about my life in general lmao) and I think it's slowly transitioning into lethargy. I don't remember doing a single productive thing in the past year or so. I've really thought about visiting a doctor and I probably should. The last months of lethargy, I should say, was pretty depressing if I think of it but at least I'm not stressed and I'm happy to not think about anything.
All friends my age (especially girls) talk about dramas, celebrities, but I'm really not interested in those stuff. I like games and anime, but not deep enough to be called a gamer or weeb, to be honest. I just tend to have a shallow and broad knowledge of various subjects. Boys at school who like games or anime really tend to boast their 'knowledge'. My friend talking about League and being salty about how autistic others are. He's in Bronze 5, watches weird videos of those "new meta" videos, calls random champions OP, gets rekt in ranked, talks to me about how broken the system is. -_-
The only thing I'm left with are studies, which don't really make a good conversation. It usually becomes a rant. I've given up on studies. Although I've seriously slacked off my studies, I'm still a little-above-average student, thanks to my Asian genes or whatever it is. (I swear people say "don't be racist" but there are differences between races. It's just that the differences between races shouldn't limit anyone's ability to do something.) I take the IB, and according to my course selection and subjects taken over the two years, am supposed to be good at Maths and Computer Sciences. I seriously lack those two subjects so much, at this point I'm afraid I won't be able to do well in uni either. I lack a lot of logical ability, and it only seems to worsen over the years. I've stopped reading books at some point because I couldn't understand them well enough anymore. I seriously fear dyslexia or ADHD but you know, it's not like I have severe symptoms and I'm probably exaggerating or making excuses for myself at this point. I think my lethargy is the main problem.
Hopefully uni will cure all these problems. I'm really looking forward to doing subjects I like, studying for a goal, and making friends with mutual interests. Hope my uni has some osu! players or other gamers. HMU if anyone's going to UBC, because that's the most likely uni I will attend.
I've read a few confessions above and although I might not feel the same way others do about their own situation (since everyone has different experiences), I felt that everyone goes through a similar pain. Again, like always, I'm listening to a pretty messy song right now so this post isn't going to be that contained. Prepare your dyslexia.
First thing on my mind. I've had this thought for about 5 years now. I've lived a dynamic life, and turns out I'm attending my seventh school and living in my fifth country over the duration of 12 years. Which means.... I haven't had enough time to socialize anywhere. Unable to make friends. At school I'm just a kind and smiley student who gets along with everyone, but outside of school I don't have anyone to talk to, nor I go out of my house often. I sometimes ignore my friends' chat because I feel like it's a waste of time. Lunch time is mostly by my own because again, I enjoy eating my lunch fast and chilling for the leftover minutes. Sometimes I'll visit my friends' lunchtable and enjoy - it's really fun talking to friends and eating lunch together - just to feel like I've wasted time and eating lunch by myself again the next day.
Me irl or on the internet is pretty happy mostly because I try not to think about anything. Sometimes I think I'm too lenient. People think I'm easy. I try to meet their expectations and tend to be easy with. There's a rude girl in the grade below and she insults me all day but I just get it over with a smile or laugh. Some probably think I'm dumb because I really don't try to do shit. I've had something similar to depression over the last two years, thinking about suicide at times (not nowadays because I stopped thinking about my life in general lmao) and I think it's slowly transitioning into lethargy. I don't remember doing a single productive thing in the past year or so. I've really thought about visiting a doctor and I probably should. The last months of lethargy, I should say, was pretty depressing if I think of it but at least I'm not stressed and I'm happy to not think about anything.
All friends my age (especially girls) talk about dramas, celebrities, but I'm really not interested in those stuff. I like games and anime, but not deep enough to be called a gamer or weeb, to be honest. I just tend to have a shallow and broad knowledge of various subjects. Boys at school who like games or anime really tend to boast their 'knowledge'. My friend talking about League and being salty about how autistic others are. He's in Bronze 5, watches weird videos of those "new meta" videos, calls random champions OP, gets rekt in ranked, talks to me about how broken the system is. -_-
The only thing I'm left with are studies, which don't really make a good conversation. It usually becomes a rant. I've given up on studies. Although I've seriously slacked off my studies, I'm still a little-above-average student, thanks to my Asian genes or whatever it is. (I swear people say "don't be racist" but there are differences between races. It's just that the differences between races shouldn't limit anyone's ability to do something.) I take the IB, and according to my course selection and subjects taken over the two years, am supposed to be good at Maths and Computer Sciences. I seriously lack those two subjects so much, at this point I'm afraid I won't be able to do well in uni either. I lack a lot of logical ability, and it only seems to worsen over the years. I've stopped reading books at some point because I couldn't understand them well enough anymore. I seriously fear dyslexia or ADHD but you know, it's not like I have severe symptoms and I'm probably exaggerating or making excuses for myself at this point. I think my lethargy is the main problem.
Hopefully uni will cure all these problems. I'm really looking forward to doing subjects I like, studying for a goal, and making friends with mutual interests. Hope my uni has some osu! players or other gamers. HMU if anyone's going to UBC, because that's the most likely uni I will attend.
I'm sorry for this
I try to keep my personal life out of the internet, I really do. It's one of my principles of posting anywhere. I usually only do it when asked.
But if I don't vent now, I think I might explode irl. So please excuse my rant. I'm typing this all right now so please excuse me as well if you find any spelling or grammatical errors.
I just realized something that was hitting me in the face all my life. I realized something that has changed my outlook on life in many ways, something that will change the way I talk to people from now on, most likely. I realized that no one cares about my problems. I realized that me and my problems are insignificant and puny compared to everyone else's. I'm just a little whiny bitch that can't get anything done, that's not good at anything, that's too low-skilled to do anything right. I also found my fatal flaw, the fact that I'm selfish as fuck. If anyone reads this, I want you to Ctrl-F and see how many times I wrote the word "I" in any of my texts. It seems like everything's all about me, and now I've realized that it's not.
I realized this during the course of talking with other people in the discord. I've noticed that I want to be liked by everyone, and as a result end up annoying everyone instead. Pushing my stupid fucking sushi meme and correcting people whenever they make a mistake, bullying abraker and the rest of the staff to do something, and trying to get the attention of everyone else but not getting it kinda wore down on me, I guess. I feel really bad for commiting all these sins against the community of off-topic and I sincerely apologize to anyone I might have hurt.
I guess I finally snapped during today's discussion in #misc. I was trying to find my way into the current discussion to give my opinion, but I couldn't really find a place. And the comments I did put in I ended up deleting because no one cared about them. I've done this is in many conversations all throughout the creation of the discord, but it just clicked to me today that no one gives a shit about me.
I've always known that I was a bit selfish, and that I only really thought about myself, but I didn't know it was this bad. After taking the step back today,
I realized how little anyone cares for me, and how much of a whiny bitch I am to others. Everyone's probably really tired of my boring useless life and insignificant problems. So I won't post them anymore. I was actually planning to rant today about my feelings on a certain situation going on, but I'm not going to anymore because nobody cares. After this rant, I will no longer use "I" as much as I currently do. I will do an analysis on every single fucking word I say to see whether or not it will be of importance to the people around me, and the community as a whole. You'll hopefully see the number of "I"'s decrease.
And I'll try to be a better person from now on.
tl;dr: use Ctrl+f and see how many "I"'s you find. I will try to reduce that from now on.
But if I don't vent now, I think I might explode irl. So please excuse my rant. I'm typing this all right now so please excuse me as well if you find any spelling or grammatical errors.
I just realized something that was hitting me in the face all my life. I realized something that has changed my outlook on life in many ways, something that will change the way I talk to people from now on, most likely. I realized that no one cares about my problems. I realized that me and my problems are insignificant and puny compared to everyone else's. I'm just a little whiny bitch that can't get anything done, that's not good at anything, that's too low-skilled to do anything right. I also found my fatal flaw, the fact that I'm selfish as fuck. If anyone reads this, I want you to Ctrl-F and see how many times I wrote the word "I" in any of my texts. It seems like everything's all about me, and now I've realized that it's not.
I realized this during the course of talking with other people in the discord. I've noticed that I want to be liked by everyone, and as a result end up annoying everyone instead. Pushing my stupid fucking sushi meme and correcting people whenever they make a mistake, bullying abraker and the rest of the staff to do something, and trying to get the attention of everyone else but not getting it kinda wore down on me, I guess. I feel really bad for commiting all these sins against the community of off-topic and I sincerely apologize to anyone I might have hurt.
I guess I finally snapped during today's discussion in #misc. I was trying to find my way into the current discussion to give my opinion, but I couldn't really find a place. And the comments I did put in I ended up deleting because no one cared about them. I've done this is in many conversations all throughout the creation of the discord, but it just clicked to me today that no one gives a shit about me.
I've always known that I was a bit selfish, and that I only really thought about myself, but I didn't know it was this bad. After taking the step back today,
I realized how little anyone cares for me, and how much of a whiny bitch I am to others. Everyone's probably really tired of my boring useless life and insignificant problems. So I won't post them anymore. I was actually planning to rant today about my feelings on a certain situation going on, but I'm not going to anymore because nobody cares. After this rant, I will no longer use "I" as much as I currently do. I will do an analysis on every single fucking word I say to see whether or not it will be of importance to the people around me, and the community as a whole. You'll hopefully see the number of "I"'s decrease.
And I'll try to be a better person from now on.
tl;dr: use Ctrl+f and see how many "I"'s you find. I will try to reduce that from now on.
I don't know why but I tend to pour my heart out on online forums...?
Let's try to not do that this time!
Let's try to not do that this time!
I hate compliments. Well its not that I hate them per se, but I don't like getting them.
When people say that I did well or 'it was fantastic/good/great/amazing' or what have you that its out of pity. I don't think that I can write well, draw well, play the piano, or anything that I do well at all.
I tend to think that anything and everything that I do and can do isn't enough. It started off as just to please my parents but now I'm just not satisfied with myself. At all. My social skills are bad to the point where I can't even preform a damn piano piece in front of 20 people(sorry thats a vent cause of today), my art is one of the most sorry and inconsistent things in the world yet its fun to do(I kinda hat myself for that), I freeze up whenever I'm asked a question or asked to do something infront of others, my grades right now are just the worst they've ever been(me going from straight As to Ds and Cs. That is not going well with my dad right now) and just overall.
I want to change things about myself until I'm satisfied but I know that I can't because when I change I'll just find more things to hate. Heck this turned into a paragraph of self loathing. Whatever.
I'm sorry for wasting your time but still thank you for reading this.
When people say that I did well or 'it was fantastic/good/great/amazing' or what have you that its out of pity. I don't think that I can write well, draw well, play the piano, or anything that I do well at all.
I tend to think that anything and everything that I do and can do isn't enough. It started off as just to please my parents but now I'm just not satisfied with myself. At all. My social skills are bad to the point where I can't even preform a damn piano piece in front of 20 people(sorry thats a vent cause of today), my art is one of the most sorry and inconsistent things in the world yet its fun to do(I kinda hat myself for that), I freeze up whenever I'm asked a question or asked to do something infront of others, my grades right now are just the worst they've ever been(me going from straight As to Ds and Cs. That is not going well with my dad right now) and just overall.
I want to change things about myself until I'm satisfied but I know that I can't because when I change I'll just find more things to hate. Heck this turned into a paragraph of self loathing. Whatever.
I'm sorry for wasting your time but still thank you for reading this.
Moving on in life
note: this is gonna get p heated/personal
You like rants?
All you did was lie directly to my face at every chance you got, and manipulate my emotions. You didn't give a fuck about how I felt at any point, did you? You only "cared" when it was convenient for you.
You apologised? How convenient that that only happened when others had told you that what you had said was out of line! You knew what you were doing, that it was wrong. Don't play dumb with me.
You can't get serious because that's not what you come online for? Do you really think I come online to get manipulated by you on a daily basis? I was dumb not to see it from the start, but you're even dumber to think I'd just stay.
How funny it was that you were willing to drop me instantly when I said I couldn't trust you completely. That's not because your friendships are built on trust, it's because you wouldn't be able to play with me if I didn't believe you.
After all, what kind of friend says they'd defend you no matter what, then tells you to shut up and block you... that doesn't sound very friendly to me, I'm not sure what your friendships are exactly? Oh wait, it's the same for everyone. You lure them into a false sense of friendship. None of your "friends" know who you are really, do you refuse to tell them the truth because you don't want them to leave you? Fucking childish.
Wasn't it you who used to be a bully when you were younger? I see nothing has changed then.
I should have listened to those around me, but at least I'm coming to my senses now.
--
You wanted me to block you? To leave you be? To shut up?
Isn't this what you wanted me to do?
Actually get the hell out of my life, I never want to see you again.
You like rants?
All you did was lie directly to my face at every chance you got, and manipulate my emotions. You didn't give a fuck about how I felt at any point, did you? You only "cared" when it was convenient for you.
You apologised? How convenient that that only happened when others had told you that what you had said was out of line! You knew what you were doing, that it was wrong. Don't play dumb with me.
You can't get serious because that's not what you come online for? Do you really think I come online to get manipulated by you on a daily basis? I was dumb not to see it from the start, but you're even dumber to think I'd just stay.
How funny it was that you were willing to drop me instantly when I said I couldn't trust you completely. That's not because your friendships are built on trust, it's because you wouldn't be able to play with me if I didn't believe you.
After all, what kind of friend says they'd defend you no matter what, then tells you to shut up and block you... that doesn't sound very friendly to me, I'm not sure what your friendships are exactly? Oh wait, it's the same for everyone. You lure them into a false sense of friendship. None of your "friends" know who you are really, do you refuse to tell them the truth because you don't want them to leave you? Fucking childish.
Wasn't it you who used to be a bully when you were younger? I see nothing has changed then.
I should have listened to those around me, but at least I'm coming to my senses now.
--
You wanted me to block you? To leave you be? To shut up?
Isn't this what you wanted me to do?
Actually get the hell out of my life, I never want to see you again.
Hey... I actually posted here for once...
SPOILER
Kay, firstly I'm not gonna be a total emo about shit cause I don't care. Mostly due to my mentality of knowing that whenever I'm in deep shit or whenever it's not going great in life - I'll always know that there's someone who is in deeper shit, someone who is struggling even more. Now, I'd say the biggest problem with me is that I goof around too much. Rarely will you find me serious. Even during "real-talks" I tend to find a way to season it with some humor. Honestly, without a doubt, this might actually be my biggest flaw. It's probably one of the biggest reasons why I never had a serious relationship with anyone. Or to be more precise, have only 1 in my 21 years of life. Probably why I never had a REAL friend in my life. Like, anyone who doesn't know me that well would think that I'm a pretty solid person with a normal friend group and a healthy social life. But the truth is far from that. I'm hanging out with people who I know will ditch and eventually forget about me, and it wouldn't be the first time. But I don't mind, cause imo, I see myself filling the "clown" role in a group pretty well. This also transitioned to interwebs. I've been a part of many communities and I've never find anyone who gave 2 fucks about me. I've been fully active on osu for nearly a year now and I only befriended about 5 people and 4 of them don't even play this game anymore. Honestly, I have no passion and no particular interests. It's mostly general knowledge about various things. I'd force myself towards something (ex. cars and shit) just to make myself less boring around a certain group of people.
I would just like to meet a person who watches anime and either have a nice watching session or just have small talk about it. But as a closet fan, it's highly unlikely, especially with how this medium is frowned upon in my place. But I don't let anything get to me. Only thing that did, is when i had to pull out of from studying journalism due to personal issues. I was motivated and willing, but it just wasn't meant to be. But even still, I managed to find a nice stable job, it's not the best but i'm getting some solid cash so it's all good. But I guess that would be it. That's me. That one guy you either find fun and awesome or you just hate me and/or find me obnoxious.
I would just like to meet a person who watches anime and either have a nice watching session or just have small talk about it. But as a closet fan, it's highly unlikely, especially with how this medium is frowned upon in my place. But I don't let anything get to me. Only thing that did, is when i had to pull out of from studying journalism due to personal issues. I was motivated and willing, but it just wasn't meant to be. But even still, I managed to find a nice stable job, it's not the best but i'm getting some solid cash so it's all good. But I guess that would be it. That's me. That one guy you either find fun and awesome or you just hate me and/or find me obnoxious.