Achromalia wrote:
xch00F wrote:
TeeArctic1 wrote:
xch00F wrote:
last visit - 09aug24
current visit - 09aug24
good thing that happened - realized i rly should kill myself
hope for the future - n/a
You should seek professional medical aid
probably. it'd make me less of a piece of shit to everyone
part of me doesn't think I deserve it tho soz
mm. i think a lot of it can come from a sort of high internalization of shame given to us or expressed by others about people or events that we then absorb in their stead
...a lot of people can be hard to read in quite the way they mean to be. i suppose it could be argued that there were sincere moments of genuine malice or anger or something, but i just... don't really want to fault that in people when it's not really meaningfully helpful to critique it with no recourse and then lay that onto someone as their entire identity
i don't really know about concepts like "deserving" deprivation for things you already appear defeated and remorseful about... that eye-for-an-eye deprivation just never seems like any kind of meaningful solution for people to impose on you, and... hmmn, i have lots of feelings about it largely because i've had thoughts like this for a long time but i don't quite know how i want to articulate them right now or if i would even be able to do it well
so to speak more to myself, i tend to be extremely vigilant about myself and what i believe i do wrong. i'm someone that i'd describe as being highly driven by shame and regret to fixate on what i must've been fucking up for others and for myself, or at least to pay attention to what it is that might make something between people a little less terrible, or pay attention to how i deliver myself and whether i'm palatable or good enough
...but that might not even be close to relevant to the separate and local depth of experiences you've had that informs this response. i don't know enough, i haven't watched you well enough to understand what things mean to you or how you've developed or tried to cope directly with specific unseen moments and regrets in your life (i say as i anticipate "the secret is that you don't" both as a joke and as a dead-serious rebuttal because that's how i project my experiences and my defeated exhausted posture)
i kind of wish i could float with you and watch what you've been carrying with you and see how to mend things together with an external anchor so that you could let the weight sit somewhere else as you lay in a pool to collect yourself, or... something
but of course, having someone actually view the most vulnerable parts of you, and then form interpretations and impressions that you might even absorb as being reinforcement of the very things you loathe for yourself... i imagine that could just as readily be an unfair idealistic premise... so i don't know, but i sympathize, maybe
the actual expression of "get professional medical help" genuinely feels ineffective/insufficient to me when i hear it (and even if it take it as dead-serious sincerity, there is a triteness that feels numbing)... but i do hope that if anything there would be someone informed and well-equipped that's There, that's Available and actually fucking listens to you, someone that would have resources to lend that might bring you at least something to make your own joy and grow your own vivacious long-lasting agency over what you do to learn how to be better in whatever ways you wish to
i hope that if i get a therapist or psychiatrist (or instead i just get some tiny ineffective or addictive dependence on medication), as much as i fucking dreaaad the probable cost and loss of time, that maybe this would happen for me. because in whatever bubble i'm in, i kind of just feel lost and inert and entirely blind to reality and myself
i don't even think i can care about deserving it anymore. i'm just tired, of living like this, or maybe living in general. but there are things i enjoy, music and media and human creation in general that give me life even if it was entirely separate from me until i found it
I'm in no way a medical professional, and as such am not at all well-equipped to offer any form of advice. As such anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt.
I don't know either of you or your circumstances that well, and especially not on the personal level that you yourselves have internally that leads to this complex web of emotions and thoughts that compose us as human beings.
However, I do profoundly believe that no one is undeserving of getting the help they need.
There might be a lot of shame or even pride in getting help. There's still a lot of stigma around mental health, and if you're the kind of person who, as an example, has been told to "man up" or "tough it out" growing up - that might be internalized as shame for not being able to do that. However, it's wise to remember that there is a vast difference in feeling sad and dejected and being depressed. Depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses are just that - illnesses. You are ill. You need medicine.
My father grew up with clinical chronic depression and I had to see a lot of what that entailed growing up. For him, even getting out of bed or cleaning the house was an uphill battle - and he would often self-sabotage because he thought he wasn't deserving of the good things that happened to him. He is a smart, proud and stubborn man - and convincing him that he needed more help me crying and begging for him to go get it before he eventually did. Swallowing his pride and seeking help is probably one of the best things he ever did, and he was a changed man for it.
The thing is, my dad probably knew he should get help years before he actually did. The problem is, his brain didn't connect to his heart. I often talk about how you might know something rationally. You can reason to yourself that if you seek medical assistance, things will likely get easier. However, if you can't make that make sense to your heart, to your emotions - you probably won't do it. As such, the biggest hurdle is overcoming that pride, overcoming those reasons you're doubtful and getting your heart to agree with your head. For my dad, that took years - and a good support system around him.
The saying "seek professional medical help" might seem obvious. It might seem trite and insincere. To me it sometimes evokes "If the people don't have bread, why don't they simply eat cake?" However, it is advice that helps. If you are ill or suffering, you don't have to "tough it out" or deal with it yourself. You're not alone in the battle and your future self will thank you for it. The road might be long. It might be arduous and strenuous, and you might feel dejected more than once, but I promise you it's worth it. And you're worth it.
There is much more I could say, but I hope you continue hoping for a better tomorrow - and keep not giving up, because only you can be as stunningly unique as you, and the world would be lesser without it.
And hey, maybe this post can serve as those checkpoints, checking in on eachother from time to time, sharing our progress, how life develops and we get to achieve those small dreams?
