How should I start this? I have been thinking lately on just how my life has gone and how it is going to be in the future. What do I want to do? I am almost 18, which honestly the worry has died down for, although I know I should pick up the pace.

There are a lot of things that I actually like to do apparently. I learned new things, expanding my interests.
At first, starting at 13 years old, I wanted to become a professional gamer. Typical, I know. I thought I could handle it. Though the odds were against me at the time and eventually I stressed myself out a lot from it.
I kept going at it until I was 16. I became stressed over time and other things such as "family disappointment". I really didn't think I was supported by anyone or that no one cared, which only motivated my reasons to drop it. I stopped playing competitive for a year, a whole year passed. Now, my interest in competitive has been "rekindled". I would like to participate into competitive stuff, but there are some mental blocks from time to time.

However, there are other options to me. You see, these past few months (I'd say like more than 12), I felt like I have been more focused than I have ever been in the past like 4 years. It started rough, but I built up. Suddenly, I wanted to code. That is sick to me, seriously. But funny enough, I have stopped working on projects after my classes have ended. Hey, I will come back to it, right?
Anyway, I also decided to expand my dull variety of what I play and actually decided to stream just whatever the fuck I do. Used to only be competitive, but maybe that is not the way to go.
There has been a recent development as well, writing! Now I have no clue why, but writing is surprisingly fun. It is not like I ever disliked it either, I have always believed I was very good in just English classes, but I was surprised that I even get excited to write some crap.
Unfortunately I did weird someone out with one random written post, but that tells me I did a good job.

With all of that aside, there is one thing that I have been still stuck on, the main thing.
My mental health. I may be in a good state most of the time, but there are really some moments where I just feel extremely lonely and angry at the world sometimes. Sometimes I am convinced that I am not ok until I get some rest and think it over again.
It's weird. But I want to believe that it makes me human, am I wrong?
I cannot tell why this happens. I basically asked for the lonely space, why get sad about it now? I don't always like to be around people, yet now it is like that fact is not entirely true. I mean even last night I gave just a bit of tears, not much at all though. Thought it was about to be a breaking point again, which I am still waiting for.

I wish to explain more here, but I feel like there would be too much detail, though it would support the lead up to how I feel now. I am reading some of this over and just keep thinking if this even makes sense in the order that I have put it.

Although I am focused, I am also still a bit scared of what is to come. But confidence is still there, I want to believe that I can live just fine.

Why did I post this? Well I simply didn't want to keep my thoughts to myself anymore and possibly have a general discussion with other people. Though, if I am being honest, I do not feel connected to this community at all. However, people are still here and might be able to connect in some way, just not in exact events.

It's clear you have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Exploring different interests, revisiting old ones, and thinking about your mental health are all important parts of figuring out who you are and want to be as you enter adulthood.

A few thoughts come to mind as I read your journey:

First, be kind to yourself. It's natural to feel lonely or angry sometimes, especially when you are seeking more independence. Don't judge those feelings too harshly. See them as data points - information to better understand yourself.

Second, stay open and curious. You don't need to decide on a single passion or career path yet. Give yourself room to explore coding, gaming, writing and other interests. See where excitement and positive momentum carries you.

Third, connect with others. Whether friends, family members, mentors or even online communities, relationships are key for mental health. Even just putting your thoughts out there like you did shows self-awareness and vulnerability.

Finally, focus on progress over perfection. Small steps in a positive direction matter, even if the path ahead is unclear. Building good habits now will pay dividends down the road.

You seem thoughtful, self-aware and hungry to learn. Those traits will serve you well as you chart your course. Be patient with the process - and with yourself most of all. You've got this!

Post above me is very good.

I hope I don't misunderstand OP but you seem to prefer being alone sometimes, that's normal but being alone all the time is hardly a good thing. Sometimes when you're feeling lonely it's good to have someone you can go out with or just discuss, someone you know well and trust. It's hard to make deep connections like that and I'd argue most people don't really have any actual friend (as in someone you can count on in difficult times) but it's worth trying to get to know people, it's the only way to find someone like that.

As an aside if you like trying you should join the OT!Library project

welcome in your (almost) 20s. Things like this happen to all of us, you're not alone really . Life never goes fully well, it's all about how you handle the situation. I usually realize quickly when I get too stressed about something, I take my time, I come back better mentally. But honestly that took me almost 24 years lol.

Eventually life will finds its way. Don't be too stressful about it.

a tip (not actually recommended): If you REALLY want a progress, try setting a hard deadline about when to finish accomplishing something. Deadline is a good motivator IMO. But this method is quite stressful so that's why I don't recommend it.

the hardest thing when you're growing up is to have a stable mental health ;-;

reinosk wrote:

It's clear you have been doing a lot of self-reflection lately. Exploring different interests, revisiting old ones, and thinking about your mental health are all important parts of figuring out who you are and want to be as you enter adulthood.

A few thoughts come to mind as I read your journey:

First, be kind to yourself. It's natural to feel lonely or angry sometimes, especially when you are seeking more independence. Don't judge those feelings too harshly. See them as data points - information to better understand yourself.

Second, stay open and curious. You don't need to decide on a single passion or career path yet. Give yourself room to explore coding, gaming, writing and other interests. See where excitement and positive momentum carries you.

Third, connect with others. Whether friends, family members, mentors or even online communities, relationships are key for mental health. Even just putting your thoughts out there like you did shows self-awareness and vulnerability.

Finally, focus on progress over perfection. Small steps in a positive direction matter, even if the path ahead is unclear. Building good habits now will pay dividends down the road.

You seem thoughtful, self-aware and hungry to learn. Those traits will serve you well as you chart your course. Be patient with the process - and with yourself most of all. You've got this!

Thank you. I appreciate the tips that you have provided.
I always try to be kind to myself, but I could use improvement in it considering its difficulty at times.
A specific career path is a bit iffy to me still. I was just think recently that I should just expand and explore the different paths as I grow. I was always focused on just one path previously. That did cause some stress and self questioning, so I knew a different way of think had to be made.
With connecting, I really do try to speak to other people. However, I still find myself unsuccessful with such things. It confuses me because I don't do anything wrong. Maybe I am just boring? I have no clue, honestly.
Being a perfectionist has definitely died down (mostly due to humbling myself), so that is out of the way.

Karmine wrote:

Post above me is very good.

I hope I don't misunderstand OP but you seem to prefer being alone sometimes, that's normal but being alone all the time is hardly a good thing. Sometimes when you're feeling lonely it's good to have someone you can go out with or just discuss, someone you know well and trust. It's hard to make deep connections like that and I'd argue most people don't really have any actual friend (as in someone you can count on in difficult times) but it's worth trying to get to know people, it's the only way to find someone like that.

As an aside if you like trying you should join the OT!Library project

Yes, I very much prefer to be alone sometimes. Most of my high school experience has been a lonely one, so I got used to that sort of thing. Though lately, in the past couple of months, it started to bother me. I don't really have a person to really vent towards to. It is not like I am bad with people, but rather people who I have met would rather not deal with such a thing. Which I understand.

I will think about the OT!Library. I want to look into it some more and decide from there. I already saw the base line of the post, and the minimum characters is no biggie.

Lyawi wrote:

welcome in your (almost) 20s. Things like this happen to all of us, you're not alone really . Life never goes fully well, it's all about how you handle the situation. I usually realize quickly when I get too stressed about something, I take my time, I come back better mentally. But honestly that took me almost 24 years lol.

It is comforting to know that I am not alone in this way of thinking. Usually, I do tend to know what to do with stressful situations, but I just wonder if I might have to change some ways in the future? New problems, new solutions?

Jangsoodlor wrote:

Eventually life will finds its way. Don't be too stressful about it.

a tip (not actually recommended): If you REALLY want a progress, try setting a hard deadline about when to finish accomplishing something. Deadline is a good motivator IMO. But this method is quite stressful so that's why I don't recommend it.

Honestly I do think it is a good idea, and I would do this act, but I find myself as a person who doesn't really set a hard deadline. I can maybe do it if other people give me a deadline, but myself, no.
However, I do set small goals to build up to a milestone, to establish some progress and a rewarding feel.

Anaxii wrote:

the hardest thing when you're growing up is to have a stable mental health ;-;

Yes. Realizing that is bit scary, but I will always find a way to manage, I'd hope.

Hey man, a lot of folks here would feel the same way. It's part of growing up, and it's extremely natural to feel such a way. It's also natural to feel more inclined to want to stay in your own space and focus on yourself for a bit, just don't isolate yourself altogether; burnout will be a bitch if you have nothing to come to.

What you need to work on it sounds like is a schedule to maintain stability and keep up with what you enjoy doing. If you're going to college, or whatever you do after high school, you're gonna need some good time management unless you wanna drown in past due work. This is the key, and if you can stay consistent with your discipline and time management, you're gonna have a comfortable time with whatever you're doing after high school, while also keeping up with what you enjoy learning or doing.

You have some passion, so follow it. Just be sure to maintain your other responsibilities as well while doing so.

in my personal opinion, I feel you put too much thought into "oh I have to achieve something I want to be productive I need to be learning something all the time". This is an awful mentality

At the end of the day you just have to enjoy life. Easier said than done, but yeah, it doesn't matter what you achieve or what you dont, it matters if you're enjoying yourself. Trying to be productive and doing this is stressful. Of course it can also be very rewarding, but if that though process is actually harming you, at some point you should just say "fuck it" and just, don't doo all of that stuff.

IF you feel lonely, maybe that's the real problem, not if you know how to code or write at 16 or not. This should be the priority, not just some problem that is keeping you away from writing. Just, follow your feelings and try to change that. Of course this is very hard and another topic on itself but yeah, I Think you have your priorities all wrong and that is like 60% of the problem

Kyzoa wrote:

Hey man, a lot of folks here would feel the same way. It's part of growing up, and it's extremely natural to feel such a way. It's also natural to feel more inclined to want to stay in your own space and focus on yourself for a bit, just don't isolate yourself altogether; burnout will be a bitch if you have nothing to come to.

What you need to work on it sounds like is a schedule to maintain stability and keep up with what you enjoy doing. If you're going to college, or whatever you do after high school, you're gonna need some good time management unless you wanna drown in past due work. This is the key, and if you can stay consistent with your discipline and time management, you're gonna have a comfortable time with whatever you're doing after high school, while also keeping up with what you enjoy learning or doing.

You have some passion, so follow it. Just be sure to maintain your other responsibilities as well while doing so.

Yeah I don't really have a schedule as of current. I have little time, about a month, to decided on if I want to immediately go to college or not. If I do, I will be focusing on computer science and esports management (entrepreneurship). On the other hand, I can just work, do some other stuff, save up for college later.
I have tried to work with some schedules, but I haven't really been to comfortable with it nor do I follow through for so long. Once I am doing college or at work, this can vary.

Patatitta wrote:

in my personal opinion, I feel you put too much thought into "oh I have to achieve something I want to be productive I need to be learning something all the time". This is an awful mentality

At the end of the day you just have to enjoy life. Easier said than done, but yeah, it doesn't matter what you achieve or what you dont, it matters if you're enjoying yourself. Trying to be productive and doing this is stressful. Of course it can also be very rewarding, but if that though process is actually harming you, at some point you should just say "fuck it" and just, don't doo all of that stuff.

IF you feel lonely, maybe that's the real problem, not if you know how to code or write at 16 or not. This should be the priority, not just some problem that is keeping you away from writing. Just, follow your feelings and try to change that. Of course this is very hard and another topic on itself but yeah, I Think you have your priorities all wrong and that is like 60% of the problem

I honestly believe that learning new things all the time is a wonderful thing, just not at a constant. I feel this way because I feel like it does add some fun into my life, I like expanding my skills however I may see fit.
I don't think I mentioned that I do have fun doing all of these things; it's why I do them and want to further expand. During college, there is a limit to what I can do. Deciding which is more impactful is what I usually put my thought in.
It has already been decided, but I do wonder how I would deal with time for other things.
Sometimes, I do not put my mental state first, I know it is bad. I learned from it. It is just rather a hard thing to try to fix, and it can honestly take a bit of time to recover. However, I do know that it will be worth it. Doing too much would only worsen my mental state.

I'm still with you, if you decide to go to college with a major in computer science, we're the same. I'm a 2nd semester student with that major. I'm proud of you my bruh.

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

Reyalp51 wrote:

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

both are important imo

if you live to work, you'll have much better chance of success in life
if you work to live, you'll have a stable life without taking risks

Anaxii wrote:

Reyalp51 wrote:

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

both are important imo

if you live to work, you'll have much better chance of success in life
if you work to live, you'll have a stable life without taking risks

Success does not matter if you are misserable

Reyalp51 wrote:

Anaxii wrote:

Reyalp51 wrote:

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

both are important imo

if you live to work, you'll have much better chance of success in life
if you work to live, you'll have a stable life without taking risks

Success does not matter if you are misserable

there are people in misery who still succeed with hard work

reinosk wrote:

I'm still with you, if you decide to go to college with a major in computer science, we're the same. I'm a 2nd semester student with that major. I'm proud of you my bruh.

Damn how has it been like for you so far?

Reyalp51 wrote:

Anaxii wrote:

Reyalp51 wrote:

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

both are important imo

if you live to work, you'll have much better chance of success in life
if you work to live, you'll have a stable life without taking risks

Success does not matter if you are misserable

More leading towards work to live.
Though that shouldn't limit me from learning other things

Anaxii wrote:

Reyalp51 wrote:

Anaxii wrote:

Reyalp51 wrote:

What potato said is true
Do you live to work or work to live?
One is way more important than the other

both are important imo

if you live to work, you'll have much better chance of success in life
if you work to live, you'll have a stable life without taking risks

Success does not matter if you are misserable

there are people in misery who still succeed with hard work

But is it really a success if you're miserable?

Wimpy Cursed wrote:

reinosk wrote:

I'm still with you, if you decide to go to college with a major in computer science, we're the same. I'm a 2nd semester student with that major. I'm proud of you my bruh.

Damn how has it been like for you so far?

just enjoy

I'm almost 18 too.
Unfortunately it's an age where we are given a pile of decisions to make without prior experience, I don't blame you for feeling this way. Like others have stated I think it's okay to keep exploring, because you won't stop changing as a person when you turn 18, change is a lifelong thing.

jesus being underrage really sucks in every aspects...

reinosk wrote:

Wimpy Cursed wrote:

reinosk wrote:

I'm still with you, if you decide to go to college with a major in computer science, we're the same. I'm a 2nd semester student with that major. I'm proud of you my bruh.

Damn how has it been like for you so far?

just enjoy

I was curious on what type of projects you have worked on, what type of languages are you learning throughout the course or your own learning?

Ymir wrote:

I'm almost 18 too.
Unfortunately it's an age where we are given a pile of decisions to make without prior experience, I don't blame you for feeling this way. Like others have stated I think it's okay to keep exploring, because you won't stop changing as a person when you turn 18, change is a lifelong thing.

I agree with this. I was never going to stop exploring different things, especially as I grow. Life in my later stages would probably turn out dull if I didn't explore.
There are many ideas that I wish to like "do", create. I might need to learn other things, that is fine. I like to expand my skills, especially if I find them fun to do and can be able to get some inspiration out of me.
There is no clear answer with how life is going to go, I have started to accept that fact. May fail at some things, that is to be expected, but I will learn from it.

Wimpy Cursed wrote:

reinosk wrote:

Wimpy Cursed wrote:

reinosk wrote:

I'm still with you, if you decide to go to college with a major in computer science, we're the same. I'm a 2nd semester student with that major. I'm proud of you my bruh.

Damn how has it been like for you so far?

just enjoy

I was curious on what type of projects you have worked on, what type of languages are you learning throughout the course or your own learning?

just basic of coding project like CRUD implementation, building restful API, and payment gateway. (It's more in the realm of web development)

The languages I use, JS for the frontend, TS for the backend. sometimes only use TS, as needed anyway.

JS guy, nice. Haven't heard of TS before today though.

The projects you mentioned could for sure be good practice for future projects.
May I ask why you are interested in computer science? What future projects do you want to work on?

Wimpy Cursed wrote:

JS guy, nice. Haven't heard of TS before today though.

The projects you mentioned could for sure be good practice for future projects.
May I ask why you are interested in computer science? What future projects do you want to work on?

I used to find it difficult to have friends in rl because of communication problems, preferring to be alone. my parents happened to have a laptop and taught me how to use a computer, such as browsing the internet, installing games, and downloading videos on yt, just to that extent. after that it stopped because the internet was very boring. one time I met someone older than me, he was already in college, his job every day was making game cheats (in 2011). Interested in what he was doing at that time, from there I was interested in studying computer science.

Future project ideas are very dynamic, can change at any time and I can't determine it for sure. What is clear is that mastering the basics of Concept is enough to make an innovation in the future. my main goal now is still to be an open source contributor.

should not be redacted by GMT

21 years old osu player here!

You're always bound to having to do something at some point. Like unfortunate souls I am graduating from high school during covid-19, clueless for what I'm about to do. I just happened to suddenly graduate all of the sudden without realising it. I'll spend about a year unemployed, occasionally get in touch with my one close friend who now going to college and already having a job. His life seems radiantly bright and leagues ahead of mine, that I can't help but feeling pathetic.

Strangely, I don't feel remorse for it. I just already internalised myself as a loser.

This would soon turned into something as someone introduced me to 3d modeling. I learn partially from courses and then learn by myself in a meantime. I decided to apply into design major, and suprised that I was accepted. I couldn't be more thankful.

Currently, I'm in my fourth semester of interior design. I joined cinematography club, making handful amount of friends, and hopefully earning something with my design for a bit. Life is bound to turn into something.

You can always learn something by yourself. There would be something to discover, something to do, something to be made, and something to be cherised. You are not a person because you already set in stone. You are a person because there's always something to be done

reinosk wrote:

I used to find it difficult to have friends in rl because of communication problems, preferring to be alone. my parents happened to have a laptop and taught me how to use a computer, such as browsing the internet, installing games, and downloading videos on yt, just to that extent. after that it stopped because the internet was very boring. one time I met someone older than me, he was already in college, his job every day was making game cheats (in 2011). Interested in what he was doing at that time, from there I was interested in studying computer science.

Future project ideas are very dynamic, can change at any time and I can't determine it for sure. What is clear is that mastering the basics of Concept is enough to make an innovation in the future. my main goal now is still to be an open source contributor.

should not be redacted by GMT

Interesting backstory.
Imo, it feels like most people look into cs from inspiration of playing their favorite games and/or the benefits of cs for future employment.
Wonder how an open source project would be like. Haven't done that yet and will probably need time to start anyway.

Nanofranne wrote:

21 years old osu player here!

You're always bound to having to do something at some point. Like unfortunate souls I am graduating from high school during covid-19, clueless for what I'm about to do. I just happened to suddenly graduate all of the sudden without realising it. I'll spend about a year unemployed, occasionally get in touch with my one close friend who now going to college and already having a job. His life seems radiantly bright and leagues ahead of mine, that I can't help but feeling pathetic.

Strangely, I don't feel remorse for it. I just already internalised myself as a loser.

This would soon turned into something as someone introduced me to 3d modeling. I learn partially from courses and then learn by myself in a meantime. I decided to apply into design major, and suprised that I was accepted. I couldn't be more thankful.

Currently, I'm in my fourth semester of interior design. I joined cinematography club, making handful amount of friends, and hopefully earning something with my design for a bit. Life is bound to turn into something.

You can always learn something by yourself. There would be something to discover, something to do, something to be made, and something to be cherised. You are not a person because you already set in stone. You are a person because there's always something to be done

I actually did try to learn 3d modeling a few years back, on Blender. I had a pretty shit laptop for it, but it was fun for awhile.
I was thinking of going back to it and learn some more. I have some ideas of creating like an area or making effects like rain, but I have no clue on the difficulty for that. Not sure if it will be fun now but I guess I will never know if I never try.

I also agree with your statement. Even if one person always stays how they are, they can also expand and use their skills for something else related to something they already do. So it is like branches on a tree, for say.

Hello Wimpy Cursed, fellow mania player. I write you to share my thoughts on what's life from my perspective, and the answers to what you've presented in this post, although, i am not well versed in english, i'll do my best. This also will help you and others to know me more, through my writting.

Please before reading: Take in mind that, i don't write in spanish and then translate, this is my current level of english and as i said before, i want to be better, so please point the things i am doing wrong or feel off out of my script. Grammar, punctuation etc. This is very helpful for me thanks beforehand .

The "What do i want to do?" Question is pretty hard. Take the next examples and my opinion on that:




There is also another variable to this question. You, you are the other variable, and knowing yourself, your complexes, limits, virtues and defects, will make you take the best decision for you.
There is some other important things to take in mind, like: Am i aiming to excellence?, What i want to do is what i need to do?, This will make me suffer or sacrifice something (sacrifice is like suffering but with an objective, goal or reward in the future), Do i love what i am doing?

Then for the things you like: You need to explore new things and combine others you already know, know people along the process is important too ( Thats why i am here, at the forum, writting this reply, out of my comfort zone ⊙⁠﹏⁠⊙ ).

At last but not least, Mental health: Mental health is so bad nowadays, global popullation is suffering from depression, suicides, lack of ethics, consumed by late capitalism and so much bad other stuff. What do i reccomend here is to know where are you at the maslow pyramid first, and then if you are at a level that leave you think, work on yourself and your surroundings to help you overcome any downside or adversity that the day throw at you.

I hope this help you to live a better life.

Hachiman Ryouta wrote:

Hello Wimpy Cursed, fellow mania player. I write you to share my thoughts on what's life from my perspective, and the answers to what you've presented in this post, although, i am not well versed in english, i'll do my best. This also will help you and others to know me more, through my writting.

Please before reading: Take in mind that, i don't write in spanish and then translate, this is my current level of english and as i said before, i want to be better, so please point the things i am doing wrong or feel off out of my script. Grammar, punctuation etc. This is very helpful for me thanks beforehand .

The "What do i want to do?" Question is pretty hard. Take the next examples and my opinion on that:

Sometimes what you want to do is not aligned with your context: Open this for a silly example

Maybe you want to play the piano (Imagine that the piano is a old fashioned grand piano), but this is impossible to your economic situation, however, you can find a way, investing time in playing an imaginary piano, learning through another method, like electronic simulators etc. But in the end the piano is not affordable, and there's no sight in the early future to get one, but, you've give your all practicing and maybe in the distant future, you can have one and learn the real thing and re-adjusting what you have learned, but, this is also a bet.

There's a deadline to what you want to do: Open this for a silly example

You see, there's only one in a lifetime chances to do something, and you might be prepared to answer the call. What am i saying here's, imagine there is something you really like to do, like go to another country through your school (like an abroad scholarship), but it has to be in 2024 because there's no other opportunity in sight, but there's a series of certifications you need to have. You need to get serious or you can't make it this year. Deadlines can be good if you know how to treat them, time management and aligning your free time to achieve something you care, like, love etc.

External preassure, family thoughts, social preassure:

There is always an opinion from your family on what you are doing/going to do, take the opinions and mind them objectively and logically, just because your close relatives say you can not do it, does not mean you are wrong, or that you can not do it, it is just their opinion. There is also social preassure on everything, just do not mind it, like for example leaving your parents house and getting your own, marrying, having kids. etc. Every life is different and you can make your own, living with pride on what you've done and your plans for the future.

There is also another variable to this question. You, you are the other variable, and knowing yourself, your complexes, limits, virtues and defects, will make you take the best decision for you.
There is some other important things to take in mind, like: Am i aiming to excellence?, What i want to do is what i need to do?, This will make me suffer or sacrifice something (sacrifice is like suffering but with an objective, goal or reward in the future), Do i love what i am doing?

Then for the things you like: You need to explore new things and combine others you already know, know people along the process is important too ( Thats why i am here, at the forum, writting this reply, out of my comfort zone ⊙⁠﹏⁠⊙ ).

At last but not least, Mental health: Mental health is so bad nowadays, global popullation is suffering from depression, suicides, lack of ethics, consumed by late capitalism and so much bad other stuff. What do i reccomend here is to know where are you at the maslow pyramid first, and then if you are at a level that leave you think, work on yourself and your surroundings to help you overcome any downside or adversity that the day throw at you.

I hope this help you to live a better life.

Thank you for your response. I completely understood what you said in your post, so no need to worry. There was a few words out of place but those are easy fixes.

I do have an interest in musical instruments, buuuut I do not have space in my room for a piano. But a guitar is still available as an option. That is my second pick, violin being a third. I just love music and would like to play instruments sometime in my life.

As said previously with deadlines, I am not much of a person to actually set one up and actually complete an objective. I might not follow through some days or I just won't be reasonable enough with those deadline times. I know it is a good thing, but again I am just not reasonable with them.

I do need to work on social pressure. Sometimes I really get put down when I find that no one gives a care to what I am doing. It almost hurts, really. Sometimes, when I am doing something and there are people watching, I start to really put myself down a lot once I am doing bad at whatever it is that I am doing. An example would be performing bad in a game while live streaming. It just adds such an unnecessary amount of pressure. Another example could be like I get completely ignored when showing someone something and immediately thinking I did shit in it.
Depending on the situation though, I can take it as feedback or criticism. That doesn't add too much pressure, it only drives me to be better and learn.

I usually ask myself a lot of questions in what I am doing, mostly just repeated through the days. It does bring a lot of uncertainty, unfortunately.

I totally forgot about the maslow pyramid. Though it seems like I have been following everything just fine.
Right now, I think that I just need to improve my self-esteem towards things.

There are so many open source projects on github, you can freely become a contributor (for example, in the vue.js framework, quaver game, or hacktober fest, or others).

I myself once contributed to osu!wiki to translate into Indonesian (yup, and that's one form of contribution to open source projects).