I know I am late to it but I am going to put some edits in and leave comments afterwards.
corne2plum3 chapter:Chapter 1: Native student from a wild moon
Moon 6.2: Awoomun / Villeloup-Sur-Mer / Fluffy’s hut
2310/04/21 18:43 UTC+2 (Yoony’s time converted)
It’s (use its or "it has". The current sentence sounds like "It is been".) been 2 hours since I've been doing my homework for tomorrow, doing mathematics, studying functions with several variables and integrating functions, getting weirder and weirder as I do my exercises. In my head, it was (use current words instead of past. So an example would be "it is".) like “how am I supposed to get the antiderivative of this function” or “what are the boundaries? Why the integration is on a fucking sphere…?” I’m a young adult already, but my studies aren’t over. Anyways I(1) think I(2) worked enough, I’m(3) almost done with my homework but right now I'm(4) hungry, and I(5) need to move. (Can use rephrasing.)
I look at the window. Despite living in an immense tree, above the majority of the foliage (interesting word choice, I like the vocabulary), my personal hut (which is quite modern thinking about it) (Personally to me you do not need the brackets) is about 80 meters above the floor, and I can see the sun in the distance about to set, and also the immense planet, Kepler, that our moon, Awoomun, rotates around. I think it’s time for me to go outside and get my food.
I decide to leave my hut, climb down the stairs which are just wooden boards or platforms stuck on the large truck of the tree. I go down to reach the floor and walk across the pathway. The pathway is surrounded by immense trees with huts attached to these, either against the trunk or hidden in the foliage, which hide a large part of the sky, but still let some sunlight go through. There are also some wooden platforms that link some huts between them, allowing us to move between trees without having to go down then up, which is kinda (kind of) annoying as some trees can reach 100 meters tall here. Some trunks have entire buildings attached to their trees, with apartments on them. Clearly (Trying changing this. Remove words with "ly" to them.) the constructions are adapted to the trees, which are almost untouched. At the end, from the ground up, it’s like a giant forest with huts of various sizes attached to the trees and platform. It’s kinda easy to get lost, I admit it…
I walk alone across the pathway, which is just some rocky pavement and grass, and see a few humans, next to a much larger number of fellow grosloups. We’re basically furred creatures, with a muzzle, triangular ears, large teeth, long claws that we can expand and partially hide, and a big and fluffy tail. We’re both bipedal and quadrupedal at the same time. With our very long arms (the same size as our legs), we can move on both 2 and 4 paws in ease. And next to the humans… we’re dwarfing them a bit: we’re almost twice their size on average, and we have overall a stronger and more intimidating build. Personally I often see humans that are the same size as me when I stand on all fours. I’m 3.36 meters tall when standing on 2 paws, which is relatively tall, knowing that the average height for adults is 3.10 meters for males and 2.80 meters for females. Humans often compare us to their wolves on their planet, Yoony, but much bigger and more dangerous… I’ve seen some pictures of wolves from Yoony and I agree they kinda look like us.
I walk for a few hundred meters, seeing on my left the sun falling (I feel like this sentence can be stronger. Sometimes you do not need to have "ing". It feels more natural to read.) with a large view of the ocean, only about 200 meters away, and on my right the other large trees of the forest spreading for dozens of kilometers. Then I reach the border of the city, which is just some fences and a large door which is currently wide open. There are 2 grosloups next to the door, to ensure no wild animals enter the city. Because I’m still in the middle of the forest. I’m getting more and more hungry, but I keep walking to get my food.
And how do I get my food? In the old fashion way which is hunting. I didn’t bring any weapons with me, because this is unnecessary. Like other grosloups, my body is literally made for hunting and killing. We’re in fact the apex predator of the whole planet, at the top of the food chain, and we don’t have any natural predators. We mostly need to eat meat every day so that’s why we hunt down some prey. Yes, we have some farms, I could just go to a shop and buy some food, but we’re attached to a lot of our traditions and environment, and as predators, hunting is part of our culture. Even with the technology that the humans brought with them when they entered our planet 200 years ago, we still prefer hunting using our body only, and eventually with a few primitive weapons, such as bows or slingshots. Even the kids learn to hunt at a very young age.
As I get more and more away from the city, I’m now in an area where I could get some prey to feed myself. I smell the air around, and detect an isolated prey about 200 meters away from me. I get on all fours and let my senses guide me to my prey. I don’t hesitate to smell the air, the ground, and be careful of every sound around me. I walk at a slower and quieter pace (Rephrase by removing the word "walking". Such as "At a slow, quiet pace..." or something different) as I get closer to my prey, until I finally spot it. It’s a quadrupedal animal with 2 pairs of horns, brown and white fur, and about 1.8 meters in length. It’s currently drinking water from a small river, clearly not aware of my presence. It looks really delicious, I’m about to drool if I keep looking at it.
Hidden behind bushes and trees, I slowly (I am starting to question who edited your work) approach the drinking animal, completely (About to start a counter) unaware of my presence. Once it finishes drinking, I’m behind it. Then in a sudden, I charge towards the prey to catch it and kill it. As it hears the sound of my footsteps approaching it at a very fast pace, it starts to run away, but I won’t let my meal escape me that easily (1) of course, so I chase it. It is quite agile and can easily pass over through small bushes, but I keep it in my sight. It runs quite fast but I’m even (Maybe rephrase this line. Feel like it could be simple or stronger.) faster. About 50 seconds of running and avoiding the obstacles, I managed to hit one of his rear legs with my very sharp claws, making it collapse on the floor. And finally (2), while the poor prey is trying to get up, I pounce on him, digging my claws deeply (3) in his skin and biting his neck. I even feel my teeth breaking some of his bones. I pull with my maw some of his flesh, and give it a final blow, ending his suffering.
I take a deep breath, happy that I managed to get my food for tonight, and in my first try too! This (Hunting) isn’t usually (4) that (this) easy everyday, it’s common for me, like everyone, to miss their prey. As my belly growls again, I start eating the animal I’ve just killed, swallowing chunks of its flesh. I know it’s raw, but my species can digest uncooked meat with ease. It’s literally (5) the base of our alimentation. The blood combined with the fresh meat is just delicious, I like it. I fill my stomach with all of this meat until I’m full.
When I’m done, I’ve not even eaten half of the available flesh. I decide to use my claws to tear more meat, and put it in a bag, I’ll consume it later. It’s common to do that, taking as much as we can with a killed prey, to limit the amount of animals we kill. We take the respect of nature very seriously (6. Fury builds up the soul), and we know killing too much will bring nothing but problems.
Finally (7) full, I go back home, to put the 20 kilograms of meat I collected into the fridge. It's almost the night. But I’d like to drink something before going to sleep. I put on my dark cloak that covers my upper body and my thighs, and go outside.
(I) Walk across the city, still in the middle of the forest, and in a few minutes, I end up in a street, with still immense trees and buildings attached to it, and some places inside the trunks, as the tree trunks are very thick. In this street, there are several shops and restaurants. The lights from those plus the yellow and orange spheres in the middle of the street light up this place. The bar I want to visit is called “La Lune Bleue”, inside a gigantic tree, where the bottom of the trunk looks like a peer. It’s also wide open, there are a few tables and chairs outside. It provides in my opinion very good drinks, and I can’t believe it has been 2 weeks since I last visited this place.
I recognize this place with this large wooden plate with the bar name, and below, the name of the owner and the bartender, Jericho ‘Ricard’ Lunebleue (nice name), a quite muscular and a bit old grosloup. We have quite an original way to name people by the way: first you have your first name, given at your birth, at the end your last name, which is the same as your parents, and at the middle, the surname, which we can choose when we reach 16 years old. It can be whatever you want (as long it’s appropriate), you can even use objects name, or a random sequence of letters and numbers, but the most important is, the combination first name + surname + last name must be unique, if it’s already taken, even if the grosloup is dead, you can’t pick it and have to choose something else. In usage, the surname is mostly used to call each other, although in more formal conversation we use first + last name, and below 16 years old (when you don't have a surname), you're called by your first name.
The furred bartender looks at me while cleaning a glass, then recognizes me:
Ricard: (This strike out goes for all the sections that are labeled like this. Try to incorporate conversations that are not formatted like this, and without putting "he/she says or similar lines.) “So is it you, Lykaon ‘Fluffy’ Clairdelune, that student with gray fur and with that dark cloak?”
Fluffy: “Yes,” I reply.
Ricard: “It’s been quite a long time since the last time I saw you, Fluffy. So tell me, what do you want?”
Fluffy: “An mangorange juice without alcohol please.”
Ricard: “I'm making you a glass mangorange juice for you right now.”
Ricard makes the fruit juice for me. It tastes like what humans call in their planet “orange” and “mango” fruits at the same time, that’s why it’s called like this. Then I pay him and get my glass of 1.5 liters of juice. Then I begin to drink it. I missed this fruity taste, so unique and so delicious. While drinking, Ricard wants to talk with me for a bit (You can put this in the same paragraph as the quote as there isn't another character talking in dialog)
Ricard: “Tell me Fluffy, how are things going in your studies at the science academy of Villeloup-Sur-Mer? I guess it must be quite difficult…”
Fluffy: “It’s fine. I admit it, this isn’t easy. It’s different from high-school, you have to study complex systems and do complicated math. It’s much harder than learning to hunt for meat.”
Ricard: “I don’t even understand what you're doing at the science academy by just looking at your books, so I can't really help you if needed… Anyways, something new has happened or is going to happen?”
I think for a second.
Fluffy: “Oh yes, last week I learned that with my group, we’re going to be transfer students, at the Space Station No. 9.”
He doesn't seem to trust me at first.
Ricard: “The Space Station No.9, really? The huge station in the stars that a lot of humans are talking about, and in a way the hub of the whole solar system?”
Fluffy: “Yes. I don't know when exactly, it should be within the next week. I’ll leave Awoomun for the first time of my life, I can't wait!”
Ricard: “I can understand. I discussed it with a small human - they’re all small not gonna (going to) lie - and he said that life is far from Awoomun. You see, our moon is mostly forest with a big ocean in the middle? In the space station, everything is enclosed in large walls, there aren't too many plants, and the wildlife is almost nonexistent…”
Fluffy: “I’ve seen some pictures, I know. It’s not a place you would expect ‘wild’ creatures like us living in (suggestion: "To live in"), but I don't think it won't be really (8) a problem for me…”
Ricard: “Really (9)? You know you’ll have to keep your instincts because you can’t hunt?”
Fluffy: “I know. We’re the only intelligent species that still hunt for food thinking about it…”
Ricard: “And what you're going to do once here?”
Fluffy: “I’m going to study like other students at the Space Station No.9, with some other interplanetary species and some local students, in a science and technology related school. At my school at Awoomun, they think an experience outside of our moon would greatly benefit us.”
Ricard: “I agree. We’re clearly (10) not into technological stuff here, really, when I see clients that aren't grosloups, it looks like they’re coming from the future…”
I finished drinking my fruit juice.
Fluffy: “Yeah. Anyways, it’s almost night now so I’m going to leave. Thank you for the juice, it was delicious.”
Ricard: “I knew you would love it, Fluffy.”
Fluffy: “True lol. Seeya. (?)”
I leave the bar and I walk towards my hut. I don't want to go to sleep too late as I have classes tomorrow, and tomorrow they start really (11) early. Nothing interesting really(12) happens when moving across the pathways, or climbing the wooden boards and platforms to reach my home.
My hut looks like a small wooden house, at the higher levels of the tree, so I have a nice view of the sky; however I barely see what’s below the foliage… If I look very far to the west, I can see the ocean. The sky is clear, no clouds around, and the light from the huts around doesn’t ruin the view. We can see a very large blue circle that covers a large part of the sky. This is Kepler, the 6th planet of the solar system (from the closest to the furthest to the sun), an immense gas planet, at least 10 times the size of Awoomun. It has dozens of moons, including a very few habitables. Some of them are even visible. I don’t see the Space Station No.9, it is a relatively small object compared to the immensity (try something different) of the solar system, and it’s several millions kilometers away. After looking at the sky, I go back to my bed, and slowly (13) start to fall asleep. Ok, so I did edit a bit of it and gave suggestions in the box. Just find the strike outs and bold characters.
I know that this is for fun in general, but there were some texts that were not proper words, more like slangs. You can ignore this if you want. Also, please change your way of dialog.
Anyway I like where the story is going. You do well in guiding the reader of the setting and characterizing.
I like the development of the MC, having to deal with a new difficulty soon; not being able to hunt. I wonder how far this character would go in the station with fellow students and what the MC will do with the knowledge.
I also asked myself on why the MC wanted to get into the tech stuff, something that appears to be abnormal for his fellow species.
I will read your second chapter tomorrow (or the next day, I don't know).
And if my edits have annoyed you, great! That means you care.
Putting it on hold.
Not entirely sure if you are seeing this.
