45Traeath wrote:
Kooth looks nice, but it seems to be limited to the UK teenagers ("11-18") in the registration form.Carmlillball wrote:
[...]
I've been thinking about the "permanence/ephemerality" aspect...
The loss will be permanent for sure...
Good things to come, huh...
<I was thinking about how do I write the reply, then I think I'll have to manage this in a way/an order, so here comes a box.>
A bad childhood aside.
There are chances for good I could think of, um...
Given how things are, I force myself into thinking that I have to leave Paris. It's a nice place, but it's not to be lived in for some people, or maybe several "categories" of people.
That train of thoughts stems from kind of an "inferiority complex" in more of a physiological way, which I grew an excessive awareness... Uh, let me try to rephrase that.
...
...
"Which made me grow that", alright, um...
I'm just too aware of how often I could get the common cold. I thought of the possible causes, taking into account a (kind of) regular "warning-style" commercial about how we're sticking huge amounts of germs on ourselves and how to limit their transmission...? "Propagation"?
Well there's this, and, seeing how my family (mostly my big bro') behaves with the belongings, I just had to fly straight to that conclusion. Like...
HOW CAN YOU JUST PUT ANYTHING, THAT'S BEEN ON THE GROUND ONCE, ON THE SOFA AND THE BED?!
(Chairs and stools aside, that's just out [I don't play baseball though].)
Then I've been thinking about solutions to limit, if not nullify, the presence of those naughty (micro-)pieces of sxit. Trying to avoid physical contact (from the front and with handbags) aside, I've got a capacity of 675mL of hydroal' solution in 5 separate recipients ("bottles"?) out of "sneaking into" relevant places (so I can get some for free), and an extra "spray-type" recipient that was already empty to start with.
Of course, that's stupidly extreme. Thinking of staying with that much until I manage to get out of Paris, there's nothing about learning how to take care of oneself, but that, as I mentioned, was because I gave up on life since approx' 10 years. So obviously at that time, I went full lazy, which was clearly wrong; I had to plan my own death. But of course, since it was even before I get my jobs and even before I was aware of the lifestyle of my family, I couldn't find a plan and was in the fear of the consequences.
For now I just hate skinship, gravity and uh... I forgot the 3rd thing I was thinking about. [EDIT] Could be "crowds" but I feel like it was something else.
(Also, what girl, woman or anyone would take on a hygienic maniac with that high level of a madness heh. Screw that relationship.)
Getting to one of the point ("Trying to reply to a paragraph"), the only "peace of mind" I have for the moment - physically - is a limited usage of "liquid" on a personal space and belongings (I wouldn't last long, if I started "taking care" of the whole appartment when there's the whole family, plus it's just plain stupid)...
The other good and chances of good being just me virtually relieving myself... New Vocaloid songs, new "books", ASMR, new illustrations on Pixiv, whatev'. But they couldn't erase the pain from living through a generation almost filled with the wrong children.
...
... *Sudden realization*
Huh... Financial matters...
I'm supposed to go to an appointment on Thursday with a bank counselor, maybe I could talk about my intention of getting out of Paris......
But then there's another thing that'll happen which intensified my intention of "running away" for freakin' good: meeting with my "boss"'s superior, as I fxxked up real hard because of those habits (strike one, losing in performance as an employee, strike two, getting too cocky with my hygienical habits, unexpected and unwanted strike three, someone "added oil on the fire". "Hai! Out!". He wasn't wrong in what he said about me, but wasn't entirely right).
A hope I could think of is that he'll be willing to listen to my version of the "facts", since there's a line between a "fact" and a "memory"...
I'm so negative, I can't bend my feelings to the point of thinking that it will happen. I can only feel like nothing good will happen, aside from the decision to shorten the duration of my contract and never "re-extend" it.
I'm fine with an end being put on my contract. I fxxked up. I just didn't see a third strike coming. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to emotionally handle the tense atmosphere once I enter his office.
But seriously though, what company would take someone like me if I ever talk frankly about such goals... Society in our days want people to be cooperative, not "too" self-centered...
Projecting your thoughts onto me is completely fine; I only wrote that message like a calling card against myself. It's all about how things are going to go in a "Persona 5" fashion, instead of walking away in silence. I felt like writing that because of the mysterious easing magic called "Internet", which happened after writing a '.txt' file supposed to be my "last words/testament/apologies" thing.
What I don't understand is the "enemy" thing...
Oh, joining the "dark thoughts" and let my end happen...
There's one thing that came back to my mind, a colleague told me how we're indeed all different, and pointing out that I'm being too different.
Well, that's on purpose, but I couldn't possibly tell anyone about my death wish. So I misunderstood as "joining the common sense and not fighting it".
I've been planning on that, it's just that it'll take many months and years to obtain my own place to live in. For good. No dying.
But then there's the "months and years" thing that will keep on disturbing me, along with my family's behavior, and the incoming scolding and consequences that will never leave my mind even after going through it...
...
...
Ugh.
...
...*Just me being a dork*
If my life does change in a positive way in the following months, then I will finish my audio montage...
Vocaloid songs aside, there also are some "books" I need to finish reading, it's been a long time without the motivation to read a single thing.
There's also that book on my desk... I never got to actually try to read it, but given how the title is a bit misleading to me...
And I just learned about that novel getting an adaptation that will be broadcast this year...
...
Ugh. Living is a weird pain.
Also, seems like I'm going to eat lunch alone at home...
*Hesitation intensifies*
Hi again! The kooth situation is unfortunate, but I'm sure there would be something similar for French folk? Like, an online therapy thing? Or even face-to-face, that's also good. Anything is better than hopelessness!
It's difficult for me to understand your situation, with my limited life experience (in a way, less than a 10 year old), and lack of being able to understand others as a whole. Saying this, I feel I'll mostly be rambling.
Leaving an area does seem difficult, but also a good thing if you're upset with where you live. That's something to look forward to. Even if it takes years, it'll happen eventually, and I figure you'd then be happy.
You seem to be quite scared of germs. Have you tried to share these concerns with your family (so they respect your boundaries a bit more) or with a psychologist (who could help with your underlying issues)? I'm not sure how often you get the common cold, but I only get it around twice a week (although a lot of anxiety-related stomachs issues).
I honestly don't know what else to say about this germ issue. I don't care at all about germs. I clean my room to organise stuff and clean myself to not be self conscious. That's about as far as I go. As of recently, I barely care about either of those things either. Being on the exact opposite side of the coin, I don't know how to help. All I can say is you probably have OCD and the best thing to do with that is to speak to someone trained to deal with that.
As someone with family who doesn't care about hygiene even enough to organise anything, I do agree that trying to clean an entire apartment, with family in there, is a bit ridiculous (although I've always lived in a 3-bedroom house). I used to try. I was just being taken advantage of. So I only tidy my side of my bedroom (I share with my sister) now.
When it comes to possible good, and bad, things, remember that life isn't completely predictable. If I were to tell 14 year old me that I would be socialising, she would laugh at me. Yet I'm doing so, albeit not great (but how good could I be with practically no experience until a few months ago?). This is a good thing, and in the past, I never would've guessed this ever happening to me. So, trying to guess what good could be squeezed into your life is basically useless. You can work towards things, but purely guessing can be restrictive.
Bad things also happen. Messing up at something is understandable. Here's something I can actually give a piece of professional advice on, from my counselor (was for me, but I figured it'll fit in your situation) - you're a human, not a robot. Robots are programmed to be perfect at what they do, and are expected to be perfect. However, nobody should expect a human to be perfect. People do expect others to do their best, but our best isn't perfection, and people are mostly understanding of this. Now back to my usual, non-professional thoughts. You messed up, and you can't change the past, but whatever you do now will guide your way. Will you take what you did and learn, therefore improving; or will you sulk and slam against a wall because you've given up? Well, why give up before you've begun to think about what happened and what you could learn from it?
It takes strength to grow and admit your problems. Hiding your problems from yourself and trying to lock them up to be forgotten is insincere and weak, and gets you nowhere. I'm not saying to constantly stress about stuff you've done years ago or anything, but for you to do something useful with your experience.
I understand being negative, and, to be honest, I'm usually the same way. However, that helps nobody. I've gotten advice from a counselor, which I figured would help you. You should write your negative thoughts then turn them into positive ones (or question the negative thoughts). This works great for me, personally. I find that it makes me much more critical of my ideas and how I feel.
For example, with a class which has a lot of people, I would instinctively think 'there's a lot of people who could make fun of me'. I would previously then give up and not do to the lesson. Do you see how unhelpful thoughts cause unhelpful behaviour? Now, on my first time of having this thought since starting this exercise, I would write this in a notebook. Then, I get to this as soon as possible. Starting to think of points against this thought during registration is very useful, but this isn't always possible. But anyways, I get to the point as soon as possible and argue against it. This is usually after college. I love finding as many perspectives as I could towards everything (including political arguments), so this is quite fun. I try to find reasons why what I've written is false (that 'big class = more people to make fun of me') , or sometimes, why it doesn't matter as much as I thought it does. Then, I learn the things I've written.
I feel that this exercise would be of use to you. Not sure whether you need the full exercise I've been given (doing this to my thoughts, feelings and actions), but your thoughts definitely need help.
It's pretty hard to adapt positive thinking skills, but far from impossible. What's going on is you (and I) are used to thinking negatively, so the neuron pathways associated with negative thinking have been used a lot. This usage means that they strengthen. Neurons which carry information on positive thinking get weaker, or perhaps barely exist at all. This makes them more difficult to access. However, with difficulty, you can flip this on it's head - start using positive thoughts so these neurons strengthen, and use negative thoughts less regularly so these neurons get weaker. This is very difficult, but it's not a great idea to give up before you've tried.
Imperfections exist, and as an emotional person, they take a huge toll on my emotional state. However, it really helps to focus on the good.
I don't know much about work at all, but I would guess that your boss would listen to your side of the story if you're calm about it and not acting in a threatening, not arrogant, way.
I barely know what I've been saying. I just get thoughts and instinctively share them. Doesn't help that my thoughts are unorganised. But I hope this is of some help.
20:54 Somehow feeling optimistic for college for the first time in weeks (or probably the first time in months), despite worrying about this stupid survey/questionnaire bs. I feel I should have enough social skills and confidence to explain that, as far I know, I wasn't supposed to edit the survey, I was supposed to answer it, so I don't know why I was given the link for editing it.
Also want to clean my room, but it's nearly 9 at night.