God, I've failed in everything I've tried to do
I came into college with the school expecting that I'd be a great tubist who was well liked by the school, with a lot of friends, and not wishing daily that I could be murdered. But it's not really like that. I'm literally at risk of being kicked out of the tuba studio because I've fallen so far behind, a lot of my friends are with me mostly because I have money or they think I'm autistic or something, or because they just enjoy making fun of me for various things. And every day, I'm either sitting in the back of class, on my phone because I've stopped giving a shit, or dozing out and getting yelled at for not paying attention.
I kind of used osu! as a way of calming down that sense of insuperiority, but every since about 2 years ago, I haven't even been able to feel that. I'm constantly ridiculed here even though I'm quite possibly one of the few people who even care about advancing this game in a positive direction, that is both positive for the community and mappers. I've been literally having break over barrier after barrier to try to achieve anything in this game, one of the last things I can say I'm legitimately passionate about, but either life takes me away from here, or corrupt moderation keeps me from achievement, since they know I'm a threat to everything they stand for. And it's not like I've even had much success with my mapping in the first place. Everything is "too outdated" and "not good enough", when I've put so much thought into the theory of how I map, that it's almost like a waste.
Just once, I'd like to feel like I'd accomplished something, you know. I'd like to be able to wake up and be like "yeah, sure, life may suck, but at least I've accomplished this one life goal"
Because after a few years, it starts to get to you. You start realizing that there's a reason you haven't accomplished anything. And it's not that I haven't worked hard enough, or that I'm not passionate enough, but rather because some people just aren't meant to be anything.