online DAWs can suck, but there are free alternatives all over the place. i used to use LMMS around 2017-2018 because my fucking computer was so old and terrible and slow that i needed something that'd last me with a new computer, until i could transfer the program over-- which my dad bought when i was rather young. if you do end up with FL Studio, you can use tons of free VSTs, and you can look out for sample packs that some producers like to release-- for example, a recent one i use these days is a Famitracker emulation of NES chiptune waveshapes that can be ported into 3xOsc, from DDRKirby(ISQ). you can find it somewhere within this page: https://ddrkirby.com/music/music.html.

the me! page is... well, i did end up getting a little involved in cryptic rhymes and stuff, and i wanted to say something that personally held importance to me. that, and i just... enjoy sharing things.

i'm not sure if i'm incredibly lucky. maybe in some aspects, i am. perhaps i'm lucky i'm not dead. i don't mean to... like... discredit whatever your experience is, or reject your admiration for whoever i managed to present myself to be, just

it's mostly a result of crappy experiences. i went really open about what's in my head after being stuck, apathetic and insular, with a fuckton of thoughts for years. from there, i've slowly recovered from that empty apathy and somehow ended up being some hyper-cringy ambitious child that desperately just wants to create things that matter to me.

in doing so, there's a ton of shit behind it that's not very great. i'm still incredibly neglectful of my health and i might as well be dead if i lose much more weight "by accident" by deciding not to eat because-- no, not for some dumb self-image thing or insecurity-- but because i'm literally that lazy, and my stupid idealism and perfectionist tendencies cause me to fall into some terribly idiotic self-cannibalizing critique despite being self-aware. i'm still struggling with inertia and cannot, for the life of me, complete my projects.

i dunno if it's... hmm. i guess it's more direct to say that... personally, i'm not comfortable with that being idolized. i understand feeling jealous for what people have managed to do, and how they go about things despite you sitting there and doing... not that, y'know? but it's ineffective, and doesn't help you much. spend time reflecting on your own desires. it doesn't matter if you can't be some sorta majestic english poet who can provide some sort of amazing narrative and then write a book. it doesn't matter if the DAW you use doesn't let you do much more than work with simple synths that might as well be obsolete 2004 online synth (by the way, if you want something free and easy to access that can be mastered if you ever planned on becoming a chiptune musician, you can use FamiTracker!). even if your lyrics aren't amazing, if your artwork isn't where you want it to be, if our existence is generally absurd and inevitably pointless, or if

okay. maybe i took this too seriously. just sorta struck a chain of thoughts that collapsed out of my head... i'll leave it alone now, but yeah. despite everything, do what you want anyways.