Because I tend to have unreasonably strong negative feelings, a large part of who I am comes from how I respond to hurt, resentment, anger, etc...

Having to learn how to navigate all that has allowed me to become acutely aware of my internal world and has forced me to ask many important questions about myself.

What's been most personally influential to my characteristics is people. I tend to get stuck in my own head but, when I interact with people, I sometimes absorb their characteristics like a sponge. I think that's a big reason why I am the way I am.

During my teenage years, people have been very kind, patient and empathetic with me. So I try my best to do the same. However, a good chunk of toxic behaviours from when I was navigating past emotions remain. So I'm no saint and I'm still blindsided to certain things going on inside of me.

These are the expressions that multiple people have given to me. (The ones that stuck the most at least.)

Negative:

1. I hold myself to unreasonable standards
2. I'm cruel to myself when I don't meet said standards.
3. I fail to recognize or am quick to disregard my own efforts and achievements.
4. I feel my emotions too strongly.
5. I get angry too easily.
6. I can be quick to lash out.

Positive:

1. I'm good at expressing and explaining how I feel.
2. I'm doing better than I think I am.

I struggle to recall positive comments. But considering everything I've just explained, I guess that's not surprising.

----

Same q. I think is a very good question. Really gets you thinking.

um, Idk, i view myself lazy to draw cuz I always Play videogames, and also i had some Anger issues Cuz the Bullying i experienced is Elementary schools and Middle schools, i guess?

Do u Hate Wall of text?

no ^^ i actually greatly prefer when people explore their thoughts, i enjoy when people have something of substance to say

Achromalia wrote:

question: why are you the way you are? what do you think has been most personally influential to your characteristics? additionally, what impressions do you hear people have about you, both favorably and critically?

people doing things they shouldn't have, people not doing things they should've, and who-knows how many psychological abnormalities

...won't lie, i feel ridiculous writing anything out in detail

my biggest influence? myself, really. i had no real support system and no reliable and dedicated guidance. had to figure everything out on my own

as for how others see me, i don't know. people don't really make those things clear without prompting, and i know people can and will lie for one reason or another. i don't think i can convince myself of anything positive, not at the moment at least

best guess is most probably see me as an enigma, or very very distant. unknowable, unapproachable, impossible to connect with

>>

do you have any speech/typing 'tics/quirks' (can't think of a better word), as in tending to use "like" or other words/phrases a lot, or tending to phrase things in certain ways?

oh dear

I do a lot of 内个(that) and a lot of 就是(it’s just)

and together they pronounce as:

welp, put them into google translation and come to your own conclusions

>
sq

Where is the question?


##


Best controller?

It's always the one you are used to, but keyboards are very customizable and versatile



What happens when you could theoretically burn a saturated hydrocarbon in a subzero environment?

I don't know. (Also I am seriously used to the Xbox and Nintendo controllers.)



Favorite color?

Green

Do you ever find yourself washing your clothes in a sink?

BluePyTheWDeer_ wrote:

Where is the question?

sq means "same question"

>>>

i have, actually

>>

have you ever tried anything (food, hobbies, whatever) you never would've thought you'd like, but it turned out you really liked it?

Gacha, I dont like it, but Limbus company make it like it


.

Would you Rather live in a Fascist/Authoritarian country, but you are the leader or You live in a Democratic Country, But you are the Most Wanted

Most wanted...? Guess I'd rather be a dictator.

If you could choose any country to live in, which would it be?

finland for sure. we don't have it perfect here, but among all the countries that seem to be really good but have some unfair characteristics (looking at your work culture, japan) or are shit from top to bottom with only a few little advantages (looking at you in general, united states), we have it pretty good here.

same q

Australia, cuz i predict in the future, i maybe Immigrate, became a citizen, and quite cheap, in the western australia




What beatmap that cause me to jump to rank 4742 in CTB?

idk, thx to peppy

What's your favorite album ?

TTPD for the last couple of months, before that was I’ve Ive. earlier than that I’m not quite sure, it changes quite quickly

>
how’s 2024 for you so far

got a new job

are there any dishes or ingredients that you hated but started to like as you got older?

cheese. only really got into it around 2 years ago. still hate the yellow, rubbery fake cheddar they have in fast food burger places though. genuinely tastes like vomit and i wish i was exaggerating.

same q

nothing since my mom teach me not to become a picky eater

which anisong do you prefer ? <2015 or >2015

I am seriously out of the loop on anime stuff nowadays, like I suppose I just grew out of it. i am not sure how to answer this. But if I had to say, Otome Domain soundtrack is goated.

SQ

i really dont know... im not familiar enough with it to have an answer...

do you lurk in any particular communities oriented around interest groups or demographics without engaging with any of the people you observe?

I don't really know.



Have any favorite language (programming)?

I'm more of a simple man, would pick python for ease of learning

sq

scratch.mit.edu

why do you use OT

It's quick, it's easy, and it's free!
Sq

i dont know how to describe my relationship with the off-topic subforum... ive grown ambivalent about it but i also feel really weary and lost and i dont really think i would know how to keep up with the culture of it, and also... digging my own niche in it does not feel compelling most of the time;; i visit at my own leisure, and it is vaguely entertaining, but it feels more like a guilty pleasure with 80% of it being guilt and hardly 20% of it being any kind of pleasure

i... sympathize, kind of, with people who visit there frequently enough to share their perspectives and weigh in on various unassorted topics of varying lack of importance and varying states of comedy and irony... but its just not a healthy place for me, and i think i would have to successfully create my own little space in the off-topic place in order to be willing to engage with it

i wish i could hold onto clearer thoughts about it but right now i think i may leave it at that... im glad for most of the people ive met and i wish everyone well, even the people i fear or avoid, and it was one of a few places that sheltered a younger self that had been trying to exert some level of control over selfhood and socialization, even if it left some relics of personality that i wish i never picked up

ultimately, it is an ok place a lot of the time, but i wish i wouldve known how to make it more enjoyable for myself

...

same question :p

Boredom

SQ

wanna make friends and communicate with the community (even it was 'lil bit sucks)

sq

i don't (anymore [unless you count fg as ot])

but ig i used it for mindless entertainment, a distraction from myself, and kinda in the hopes i could get some comfortable footing somewhere someplace

now i'm pretty sure i can't tolerate interpersonal situations consisting of more than two people

not in the sense i can't communicate with multiple people at once or exist amongst them, but rather i just do not possess whatever it is that keeps people 'glued together' and comfortable, so to speak

or maybe i fear being assimilated or rejected rather than welcomed

or both

i always end up feeling like i'm interacting with an entirely different species

the place itself is whatever. a part of me kind of wants to try to make it 'work', but i know i'll be making myself miserable

>>

eh... same question

i haven't really been here actively in the past 9 years, been here just a bit more this autumn. being a student, not having money to do shit and just having to stay home a lot of the time when the weather sucks ass (which is every day in november). so the short answer would be boredom.

do you have any niche interests?

I have several interests that are somewhat niche, to varying degrees. These are (less niche to more niche) PC strategy games and simulators (e.g. most games made by Paradox Games, Dwarf Fortress, Kerbal Space Program (just the first one), etc.), sudoku, robotics, wargaming, reading textbooks and research papers on topics that interest me unrelated to any schoolwork.

Same question to the next user.

i... dont really know, i really only orbit most things and very easily forget a lot of where ive been

i suppose im vaguely occupied by a lot of demographic-related interests i wouldnt openly disclose, but the clearest examples im comfortable with are usually webcomics through webtoons and comicfury, normally something that explores personalities and interpersonal or cultural conditions (and i think slice-of-life and romance and sometimes mystery can do that, but idk if thats an accurate assumption yet)-- although i dont have an exact exclusive niche and the lines blur too much for me to identify things well in order to specify more than that... i also enjoy itch.io vn games and a variety of similar indie media that explore particular kinds of experiences i might resonate with or feel compelled by, especially anything that feels like a "cathartic" exploration of particular feelings i might have had or sympathized with

i also sometimes read whatever fanfics and fanart and manga/manhwa/manhua a friend might send me and i'll sometimes send similar things in turn, its super fun to enjoy them and tease certain characters or play with stupid memes about them! i draw fanart myself but dont openly share that much because im not very good at it;; im not remotely able to draw in the styles i adore from other fanartists and their designs for certain characters urghhh,, i would love to adopt those artstyles somehow but im not that principled or disciplined or persistent or durable, im tired all the time and rarely know what im even trying to do :(

most of what i love is from other people, things about their experiences... but i suppose there's a lot i can love if it resonates with my own ego and imagination, it just isnt always clear to me what that is

i wish i knew how to make it all speak for itself somehow. i wish i could embody these things i love in a clearer way, with something more decisive, something more sincere, more enthusiastic, more passionate... but i mostly drift from place to place and hardly pay attention to anything around me, i suppose

either certain things are too obscure or are too... unflattering, or instead theyre far too generalized and common to mean anything as a distinct label of interests

...

same question!

Mostly videogames and programming, I seriously can't be thinking without coming up with an idea on those topics.


sq

Yes, Music and Computer

sq

music on a very deep level, like very precise subgenres and movements like tropicália that don't really count even as subgenres. i also find railway networks of different countries and the differences between them fascinating (this also includes trams, subways and other light rail). although art in general is probably not a niche interest, some styles of art that i love might count, like glitch art and collage art.

same q

same as before

Who is your idol ?? (not only music, but ANYTHING)

ok, this one is difficult 4 me, maybe M shadows, for its Voices in singing ( from City of evil to The stage )
And maybe Matt Bellamy For its riffs


Illegal Street Races (fun but Risk you to lose license or Behind the bars or even death) or Professional races Like F1 NASCAR, Anything you like (Harder and competittive but You get fame and money)

Huh? If the question is if I would do it, no.



Do you drink coffee?

Yes, and I drink it both with and without milk. I usually drink it hot and unsweetened, but if it's iced, I might get some sugar because cold things tend to be suppressed in taste. It all depends on my current mood though.

What's something you once loathed but now take great pride in and why?

Coffee. Don't have to feel sleepy at work.

SQ.

i guess some aspects of how i make and release art and music. i've figured out it's more important to express yourself exactly the way you want instead of thinking too much about how others might perceive you and your level of creativity.

same q

Once upon a time, I loathed living in Malta. I was born in America and moved at 9. When I arrived, everything was foreign. I was forced to wear a school uniform in primary school and everyone spoke a language that made no sense to me and that was harsh and guttural (Maltese is derived from Arabic). I struggled to fit in, and I felt excluded. For years, I considered myself solely American, I would have been almost offended to be called Maltese. A decade later, and my outlook is different. My friends are Maltese, my fondest memories took place in Malta and I've come to love the sea and its scent. I can't even stop myself from saying "euro" instead of "dollar" now that I'm studying in the US. I'm more Maltese than American. Malta is my home and I regret not appreciating all of the great things about it in the past. I've also come to regret that I never really learned the language (although in fairness to me a good number of natives can't speak it either).

Same q

i... frustratingly, i dont know

im sure there was something, but i just dont remember right now. anything applicable answer regarding myself has been some kind of self-loathing that only ever dissipates into a quiet diluted lump of exhaustion, finding pride in anything about myself or what i do is not something i can embrace easily if i already loathed it beforehand...

...i think, maybe the closest answer might be something related to a growing appreciation of certain sensitivities? im not necessarily proud, but i used to be rather dismissive or callous toward sensitivities people held, never really attempting to give it any mind. but then i felt sick with how dry and hollow and bitter it felt, and i grew to desire sensitivity after seeing a little more of humanity...

maybe that would change, but i only know that now i would like to maintain that appreciation of sensitivity in myself and other when possible, although i would surely fail somewhere. i want to indulge in that gentleness at any opportunity where i could sincerely exercise it, something healing and nurturing for other people...

i wish i knew and saw more, with the hope that i would have the capacity to naturally emulate what i favored from that sense of care and caution and patience, but im not so sure thats possible :')

maybe there would have been a better answer to this question. i fear the thought that maybe this one was too performative, too insincere, too trite somehow. but i only see what i vaguely interpret from impressions of impressions of feelings or thoughts, and the stories i tell myself to remember who i might be in the past or present or future;;

...

Arts, I used to think they were only for very, very perfectionist people but now I can make nice paintings.


sq (read above post)

i guess gacha games, its like Betting a football match cuz i u must wish ur fav team to win a match u want, if u lose, try for another day
Now, im quite like it for its girls, Etc


Do You watch 442oons?

i don't think i've heard of them and i doubt i have an interest in it yet, but it seems like a widely popular project and i hope it serves people well :)

do you listen to the musician named "vylet pony"?

No idea who they are.




Have you used Linux?

Using arch as a daily driver
sq

never, and it's only been between a few slightly outdated versions of windows for somewhere between 93.75% to 96.88% of my life (approximately)... not because of quality or anything, just because of a lack of curiosity and my own lack of awareness regarding any other option, it was simply all that was there

have you heard of a genre of music named "botanica"?

i'm genuinely not sure ;-;

what genre of music do you have the most of on your playlist/playlists?

i have too much music from too many places (80 youtube music playlists, 30 of them have between 100 to 300 songs, mayyybe ~4000 individual songs in total when you exclude the copies of songs shared across multiple playlists bc otherwise the number would basically be doubled)...

so im not sure, idek what genres they were in the first place x')

anyway a lot of it is probably some kind of ambient music, or at least loosely related to it... other than that, electronic is a good general descriptor. while i do save lots of songs made by "real" instruments, what i regularly listen to is usually made primarily through computer software...

there really is just too much (for me), i listen to more than my brain can keep up with :(

...

have you heard of a game titled "great god grove"?

No.

have you heard of an artist called Porter Robinson ?

this time i have, yes!! i knew of him for almost a decade now, but i never really grew attached to him personally. i did love a lot of his work though, and i still think fondly of "goodbye to a world" and a number of other songs during that time

Achromalia wrote:

do you listen to the musician named "vylet pony"?

never heard of them

Have Ever experience getting into a Mosh pit?

never, i dont think i've ever attended big events like those in my life and i dont rlly listen to music live on stages or anything, bc those cost a lot and i dont go outside anyway ;-;

either way mosh pits sound terrible for someone like me

AxisPraxisMDS wrote:

Do u Hate Wall of text?

no actually!! i like walls of text 'cuz i get to hear people ramble/i get to ramble!!

what's your favorite style of clothing/fashion?

i have a soft spot for a lot of styles. top 5 is probably traditional gothic, modern goth, cottagecore, pastel e-girl and y2k streetwear.

same q

No real preferench, I usually wear clothing with single color, without patches or prints

sq

mmh, maybe any color, with some tones or shade also, i like anything With a jacket except with a shorts, and the pants, not too tight, not too baggy,


If youre were in a band, which instrument you use?

hmmmmm, this pretty hard, cuz i want to play both guitar and bass

who is your favorite music artist ?

If its excluding Bands, Maybe its Infected mushroom

(will answer to reffty bc... yeah)

green day, sodikken, zac brown band, paramore, three days grace, lady gaga, kikuo, and maretu!!
(oh, and ado!!)

what genre of music have you most recently gotten into, and why?

i can't remember, i've been into most genres all my life (and i will never get into country). if i had to guess one, i'd say hyperpop just because it's among the newest real genres, got into it around 5 years ago.

same q

I've been getting into many classic Canadians rock bands right now.
Oh, and some EDM and touhou music.

same question

eurodance and hardstyle.. a certain ideology may have gotten me into those genres

sq

hyperpop, indie-pop and j-pop! (maybe k-pop too but it's just one song,,)
i really enjoy the melodies of all the stuff i've found, and my favorite j-pop singer currently is ado! her growls are so on-point rrrghhh.....

same question!!