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Tad Fibonacci

Puzzle wrote:

I've been there. It's hard to put into words. I'd have to describe the situation and it's too personal and there was *too much* so I wont go into a lot of detail.

I was 16. I had chronic depression because of a string of awful events in my childhood. A lot of my mental and emotional state was tied to a girl I was in love with. She broke up with me. Easily the worst emotional pain I've experienced in my life. It literally felt like someone had jabbed a knife into my chest. I shut down. I have about 3 months where I dont remember anything that happened. Memories just gone. I know I was going to school because my grades didnt tank too hard. The only thing I do remember about that period of time is I rebounded to some other girl because I was young and stupid and she broke up with me too after like 1 month and I've never really been the same after that. Was too much for me.

Not to say that was the only reason it happened. To really get it youd have to understand my childhood which is way too much. Long story short, my life had been completely fucked till that point and I really felt like I needed these people for support. This was more the straw that broke the camel's back than the real kicker. I mean, it did kick pretty fucking hard. Losing someone you love is brutal. But it wasnt the main reason why I shut down.

So yeah, I dunno. A lot. It's hard to describe. But for a couple of months there I really did shut down. The few memories I have from that period of time are lying in bed and being hurt, a few memories with this other girl, her breaking up with me too, and then just nothing. I dont have any idea what happened those months, I had no friends who could tell me what I was doing, and I'm too sensitive about it to ask my family. I'm surprised I even kept going to school though I'm sure I probably skipped a few days. Or maybe I didnt, who knows? Anyway, I think it was the catalyst to me really learning how to shut off my emotions (and struggling with figuring out how to turn them back on again.)


What are some things that you have in your life right now that make you happy?
I used to be really depressed too (although arguably, I still am now) so I think I can understand how it felt.
I'm just glad that you're still fine. Keep focusing on your hobbies and your job.

Push on, Puzzle.
Don't you dare go hollow.

OT: Right now, I wouldn't say that I am unhappy but I guess you can say that I am unsatisfied with my life atm.
I am still surrounded by other people's achievements. I just want to earn something that I could proudly call mine.

-------------

Same question.
samX500
I don't really own anything that I think makes me happy. I don't really seek out happiness in the first place, I feel like seeking out happiness is something unhealthy for you since you need to spend a lot of resources to get it and that can backfire and make you unhappy, I try to only be satisfied and only seek happiness if it is easy and safe to get. If there is one thing I could say it would be that I am very fortunate with how my life is going and I doubt I would have been able to support suffering a tragic event like I have seen many people on these forums talk about. Though that is a double-edged sword since by having a very fortunate life, I am extremely unprepared to face life and all of the event that are going to happen there.

SQ
Achromalia
i have the ability of acting on my affinities for music and art, being able to create things that i envision.

i have the ability to access and experience the amazing shit people create, getting to immerse myself within entire fictional worlds.

i have people i can talk with and express myself to that can actually withstand my philosophical drivel and idiotic shenanigans.

i have a father that is... supportive enough, somewhat, that he's alright with taking some time to listen and look at the things i create.

i have a bit of hope to overcome apathy, and to ensure that my family and I can manage life safely, the hope that i can actually do this.

- - -

what do you appreciate about what point you're in with life?
ERA Puzzle
A lot. I make good money (and I'm going to start training to actually do repairs on aircraft parts soon so I should end up making more) and I have a good job. That really facilitates me to be able to pursue the things I want - mainly being an artist. That makes me relatively happy, though I really need to get a freaking car. Still waiting on that.

I guess that's all, which is a lot less than I expected. But it leaves me feeling satisfied. Every single day is progress. That adds up over time. I'm slowly becoming a better artist. Saving up money. Working myself to have a nice career and hopefully soon I'll have a car which means a lot more time to chase what I want.

So, yeah. While I'm not bursting with happiness right now I'm definitely satisfied and moving forward.

SQ
pentaqola
i generally appreciate my rather positive mindset for someone that has mood swings. mood swings are probably more stress related, which i am glad it isn't something more worse than that.

i also enjoy the weird personality i got for now. i don't really think anyone really wants to be the awkward person, but i somehow do. its kind of like i am accepting myself as a person... i don't know...

i just... appreciate living, because this world has so much to offer. there are a lot of interesting stuff to see... even if that means new levels of stupidity...

same question
MisakiTobisawa-
that I come home earlier than my parents, yeah I'm already suffering so much so I can't imagine what it would be like when I'm an adult

when was the last time you kissed someone? suddenly thought of this when I realized I haven't kissed my parents for a month now
Achromalia
years ago, though i don't really recall any exact time period.

the good old days of kissing your parents goodnight as a kid.

that's about it.

- - -

sq.
MiharuUwU
like 2014 ...

whats ur go to snack ?
Achromalia
lemon cookies, oatmeal cookies, granola bars, and ice cream. either one.

- - -

sq.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Anything that taste good. I don’t really have a go to snack

Sq
Meah
Pringles

Sq
samX500
I don't really snack. I suppose it would be almonds, since they are my go to food for when I am kinda hungry but aren't able to eat anything. The only food I take even when I am not hungry are various liquid. I drink a lot of water and often drink whatever juice I can find in my fridge or milk. I sometimes even makes myself hot chocolate or coffee for no real reason.

SQ
Birdy
Arrabbiata pesto flavoured oat chips.

What's the nicest dream you've ever seen?
pentaqola
most dreams i got are extremely surreal, they don't make a single sense... they are barely something nice... for the nicest one, i would pick mostly this, which i would describe it as a minecraft moment...

i was basically playing modded minecraft with some people. i don't know who they are, but i do know that i am extremely happy playing with them. i swear i can just hear true happiness on my voice as stupidity just happens... my dream kinda predicted vr minecraft as well...

the dream went black after getting the nausea effect... then i wake up...

it is one of the nicest dreams i can remember slightly, as all the ones i remember are just weird af...

same question!
Achromalia
i don't recall my dreams very well, but i've had a ton of dreams that give me a fuckton of conflicted yet pleasant feelings.

...and those kinds of dreams have always been about the past. about friends, or places. even an old crush.

being able to talk with old friends, even her again, or standing around and being driven around old places. it's nice.

- - -

sq.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I got a dream in which I was like the girl in music video Shelter but without all the sadness. It was pretty cool.

sq
Cahyono29
some lewd dream...

same question
Birdy
Most of my favourite dreams are incredibly impressive visually, but don't have much of a plot. For example, I've seen dreams recently that are super realistic slice-of-life kinds of dreams, but the sky has some crazy patterns or visible nebulas, or I'm able to fly for some short distances, or the gravity works in a way that you can walk up hills that are almost at a 90 degree angle. Most of these dreams also involve having fun with my friends and I've luckily seen these dreams more often now that I'm very busy.

What famous person would you love to have a dinner and a deep conversation with the most?
x-machina
Kanye

sq
Achromalia
Emma, the person behind the innumerable aliases of Renard, The Quick Brown Fox, hyi, Halley Hard Sount Unit, Darius, etc.

they make some really good shit.

- - -

sq.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
There’re quite a few music artists I want to see. Ice, roughsketch, blacklolita, sakuzyo, taishi, frums, sta, yaseta, feryquitous, nhato, yamajet, etc.


Sq
samX500
Naoko Yamada. She is perhaps the only artist I truly love. Most of my favorite artist ends at a "Wow, they are extremely good" but With Naoko Yamada's work it goes far beyond that. Every single show she has directed have been among my absolute favorite of all time and connected to me on a very deep level. She has directed shows such as K-on, Tamako market/love story, Koe no katachi and Liz to aoi tori, all of whom I absolutely adore.

SQ
Birdy
William Basinski. He's one of the greatest composers of all time and based on a couple interviews and podcasts I've heard, he seems very genuine and thoughtful but witty and snarky.

What's your dream job?
Tyistiana
Air Traffic Controller (ATC). Now I'm studying in the aviation branch in order to master it :3

What will you do when you feel depressed?
Achromalia
i generally just listen to music or watch Youtube to distract myself. throwing together a playlist, laying down, and listening to the music, is one of my go-to methods of just trying to relax in general.

i occasionally try to talk with friends or something, but that doesn't always work out.

- - -

sq.
samX500
Same as Achro. I just listen to soft music to relax. I was also thinking of learning the euphonium to be able to play the music instead of just listening to it when I feel down.

SQ
MisakiTobisawa-
im not depressed very often, but when i am watching anime always helps. mostly comedic stuff, anything horrific or tragic doesnt provide enjoyment from suspense, it leads to me becoming sadder because anime girls deserve good things

consider the chemical equation below:
2X(s) + 2H2O(l) ---> 2XOH(aq) + H2(g)
out of all elements that X could be, which is your favorite and why?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
X could be anything X wants and I will always love X


What’s your favorite country and why?
samX500
In term of entertainment Japan is obviously at the top. In term of countries I would actually live in I'd say every nordics country seems like very nice places with very high quality of life and cool weather much like my own country.

SQ
Cahyono29
any country from europe,because they don't censor cow breast on tv

same question
Birdy
The best I've been to is Japan, extremely fun place to hang around in, their language is so beautiful and the historic and cultural elements were top notch gorgeous. I also loved the arcades, they made it easy to have cheap fun when you had nothing else to do, and the vending machines and konbinis were super convenient for getting pre-prepared meals and drinks super easily, something we don't really have in Finland. However I do love my homecountry for its climate and nature and it's much easier to live here for a number of reasons, free healthcare, free schools etc.

What would you do if you knew you only had 24 hours to live?
Achromalia
honestly, it's still quite a tough situation to be in. only so much could be done.

with things as they are now, i'd try to get in touch with friends and all, and get straight to work on music and art for the game i'm working on for my team.

i'll try to get as much done as i reasonably can to leave them off with as many useful assets for the game, so they can show it off and make something fucking amazing for others to experience.

i wish i could make my animation series, but sadly, i can't realistically do anything there within that scenario. so, my dreams there are a bit crushed.

with about 4 hours left, i'd probably be tired as all hell. i'll write a note or something for the family to share, something that can probably help my dad get out of this shit with his terrible luck in life, with all the stress he's already had. i don't think my death would help him at all, in fact, it'd break him, but if i can keep him going afterwards, i'd be happy enough. i'd try to keep my mom alive too as she's incredibly emotionally attached, and i'll try to remind her not to rely solely on the promise of some eternal life of sorts, and consider the actual situation of the religious organization she's in, to please get out while she still can, and not subject the remainder of her life to something as dreary as that lifestyle.

my aunt would be alright, probably, but it might hurt quite a bit. same with my cousins and whoever i happen to be the uncle of.

then i'll try and address her, as she's one of the only reasons i lived up until then, and she helped me through a ton of shit, whether or not she knows it, and for her to keep going, to keep making art, keep practicing those instruments, and to be optimistic like hell and save someone else's life as she did mine. i may have not ever gotten to really develop much more than a friendship with her despite her being my old middle school crush, but I think she's pretty important to me. she's the only person to make me feel as much as i did in a time where apathy and near-suicidal depression, as well as multiple existential crises, had enveloped the entirety of my mentality.

perhaps, with about an hour left, i'll set up whatever songs come to mind when i consider the most impactful favorites of mine, from songs like "KocitSkoria - Empty", "The Quick Brown Fox - PROSELYTISM", "The Quick Brown Fox & Klippa - MELANCHOLY passing into MANIA", and "YZYX - Dysnomia", to stuff like "hyi - misery", "Nearfield - Alone", "Kobaryo (feat. Sennzai) - northern_limit", and "Intronaut - Killing Birds With Stones", among other songs i've yet to recall by name.

...and just let it all pass in peace.

back to the void this tired skeleton goes.

- - -

same question.
pentaqola
oh dear the wave of sadness is heavy on this one... this is depressing...

i don't think i would have time to do what i would do anyways... all i can do due to how much my mood would have been affected is be depressed. i would have been in tears, staring at the wall...

i would be trying my best to have fun on the last day of my life, but i feel like it is all gonna hurt in the end. me dying already affects my family very badly. that would be in my mind... it wouldn't make me do what i want to do for the last day... it would be what killed my mood...

worse part would be that i barely did much imo, i am too young for this... it makes my life kind of useless to me... all because i barely did much in this world.

so even if i would do anything, just... anything to make a good impact, my mood is going to be killed first which ends up ruining the last day of my life...

i just... dont like it... i don't want to leave this world yet in such a young age... i want to grow and achieve...


how was your childhood?
MisakiTobisawa-
Alright I guess, as one could expect I'd be more carefree than nowadays. Parents took real good care of me, can't remember much beyond that. What defines your feelings about childhood are probably so vague to you now. Since I'm not able to provide a more insightful answer, I would like to pass down this same question to the next person.
Achromalia
A person's childhood can vary greatly, and can dramatically shape you into who you've likely become. There's quite a bit you can judge it by, but it's not quite all that easy all the time, so, eh.

On my end, my childhood was... comparably nicer than things are now. Of course, my dad smoked back then, and I'd have my occasional spankings and whatnot. It was pretty typical, for the most part, playing tons of games on the Playstation 2 and having a go at Starcraft and Diablo, it was damn fun.

I had a fair amount of friends and was energetic as hell. I could not stop talking, nor could I ever stop trying to play with others. I was pretty reserved to some extent, but I was also social, which had its conflicts. I became pretty damn good at Mathematics and English, material-wise. I had my troubles with behavior and grades, but ultimately, I wound up achieving one of the highest scores of my elementary school and would constantly get "honor rolls" for high mathematical achievements and English proficiency, with recommendations to a pretty high-end school after scoring incredibly highly on a test of sorts. We called it the GATE (or Gifted and Talented Education) program over here in California.

I was a bit of a teacher's pet, and in a way, always have been. Straight-A's, tons of really nice and reaffirming things that gave me validation for some of my competitive nature, but it also helped as feedback for my innate curiosity at the time. I've absorbed tons of information quite quickly, and had always loved all things astronomical and scientific. I'd consistently watch shows like NOVA or Nature on PBS while doing my homework, and I had a pretty rigorous work ethic (which went completely out of the window after middle school).

Though a lot of things were looking up for me, I didn't realize the shit that was going on within my own family, and I slowly developed an understanding of how tiresome life can be, and general concepts of misfortune. I also tried to expand with my interests. I grew to love art and music, and developed an affinity for creating things. I learned how to play the piano, with my dad starting me out with a little bit of general knowledge on notes, and chord names, as well as minor/major scales, but not much more than that. From there on, I have been self-taught on everything relative to music.

He and I eventually went on to collaborate at our family reunion, where his band, North Star, would perform. I got to play the keyboard for one of the songs. I'd come with him to gigs, and generally just take in the atmosphere, and the music, and mess around outside or play with legos while they played.

Arguments between my parents were more frequent, more intense. Nothing physical, don't worry, but it was pretty verbal. My dad was beginning to become immensely stressed, and we encountered a lot of financial problems. We had a burglar invade our home, shatter my room's window with a brick and take jewelry and money, as well as one of my Playstation 2 consoles, which absolutely fucking destroyed me at the time. I very vividly remember crying from that. During the investigation, I got to start getting to know the police. I met a nice lady who gave me some stickers 'n' stuff. I had an appreciation for the police and actually began to wonder if I'd like to be a helicopter pilot for them someday.

But overall, things were pretty normal, of course some events sucked but were never traumatizing (aside from losing the PS2 lol).

...well, until middle school, at least.

That's where pretty much everything deteriorated.

I've already gone into depth about it at various times, and it's still pretty recent, about 5 years ago from this point, so I'll leave it there.

My childhood, up to this point, was nice.

Everything afterwards has been hell, and nothing less.

...but I've learned a lot. and to some extent, I'm happy that this all happened. I don't think I'd otherwise get to know as much as I know now.

So, I can say I enjoyed it all, for the most part.

- - -

SQ.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Not exaggerating, but my childhood is exactly identical to those shitty korean drama TV shows (minus the last part where the main villains either die or get thrown in jail, and the part that the third wheel is a bad guy/girl). It’s both funny and kinda emotionally exhausted for me at the same time

Have you ever lived in a dorm
samX500
My childhood was pretty unventfull. Back when I was in primary school, I remember being very dumb and I truly hate how I used to be. In this time I would try to get friend and try to conform to other's people taste to get any. I only really had one close friend who I knew from childhood, as well as two other friend whom I met up with less often.

Then I moved from my small town to the big city of Quebec. At my new school I still tried to find friend and I managed to get into a group of friend, but later in the year I caused an event that made me loose all of my friend. After that I have never had any close relationship and gradually lost interest in getting relationship up until I didn't want any anymore. My school grade were also very bad back then, I only barely passed in every category, which is extremely bad for primary school, where it is very easy fo succeed.

A new chapter opened in my life when I entered secondary school and was able to reset to zero. There I was put in a class for people who didn't have good grade aka a dumb kids class since my grade in primary school were so terrible. My grade went up dramatically after that, probably because in that time all I ever did was school and watching video on youtube, I didn't have any friend and didn't try to find any. There was a small group of people whom I often met but we weren't really close friend. We just met up at lunch time.

Then came my third year of secondary school. I had also switched school at that time because my previous school only supported the two first year of secondary school. In this school I was put back in a normal class since my grade had improved. At this school, I decided to join a team of robotics where as a team, we must build a robot that can compete in a game. This was the single best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.

At that point I changed a lot. In the first year of robotics I didn't do much, if at all but on the second year is where my life changed. I decided to join the programming team of robotics, since I wasn't really good at building and I thought it might be cool to learn what programming was. I also met up with a lot of people who watched anime. They told me to watch anime and I did, anime later became on of the greatest learning experience I ever got so the fact that I decided to start watching it frmo the robotics team just adds to its value. In robotics I ahve learned how to socialise, I get interested in programming, I discovered anime. It was the greatest thing that happened to me.

At the same time as my fourth year of secondary school (aka second year of robotics). I kinda got fed up with french and decided to only use my computer in english from that point on. That also changed me a lot. Not only did I become proficient in english, but that fact also got me closer to the internet culture. Above all, being close to the internet culture introduced me to nightcore music. Before, I thought that music was cringy and didn't listen to it, I remnant of the time where I would try to get friend by adapting my taste to theirs. But since I was now in a very intimate situation, I felt happy to try out music for the very first time. Nightcore was what introduced me to both music as a whle but also anime (I was already interested in anime before my friend told me about it, they just kinda guided me into the medium). I ahve now moved on from nightcore music, only listening to my old nightcore which I still like from that time, but the impact they had on me was massive.

This summer was also very important to me. It's where I coded my first proper project, it's when I realised that anime had actually taught me life lesson, it's where I left my first job after 3 years of working there, it's where I was first truly hearthborken and it's where I finally will start to learn an instrument.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got necro'd. To answer AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH's question, no I have nver lived in a dorm


Pentaqola wrote:

how was your childhood?
Birdy
Very uneventful until elementary school. I liked the time in school, until I started getting bullied. I spent most of my time on YouTube during its early years and had a fairly popular Pokémon Diamond walkthrough channel, lol. I don't remember many details about my childhood. As I said, it was pretty uneventful. Never had a dad and my mom never wanted to do anything fun. She was just strict, but in a wrong way. Spent all my time outdoors alone with my headphones on, as I wasn't even allowed to use the computer for more than an hour per day until I finally got my own laptop. That's about it.

What would your death row last meal be like?
Achromalia
the same frozen burritos i've heated up from the store, preferably the El Monterey brand.

a tub of vanilla ice cream.

a box of Bacon flavored Ritz crackers.

a bag of Carmen's, a fairly obscure brand of wheat chips,

and a bag of Doritos Dinamita chips.

that's about it.

I'd eat as much of it as I'd be comfortable with.

I can't do much of anything in that situation, so nothing i do there really has much of an impact, so the foods up there are about as ambitious as i'd get, as i like them quite a bit.

eh.

- - -

sq.
Birdy
A bag of habanero chips, a big cup of raspberries and blueberries, sachertorte, a Neapolitan style pizza & fried softshell crab with country style fries. With food I'd drink milk and after the meal I'd have an energy drink, wouldn't want to fall asleep while being executed.

same q
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