Hey, I'm just going to say this for you:
Play for yourself.
Don't give a single shit about others' performance. They can't impact you in any way. Half of your problem is that you care about this. It's a good thing to be competitive, but when you're being toxic to yourself, the first step you should do is scale it down and find the fun. Ask yourself: "what do I have fun with?" Is it playing songs by an artist you love? Is it playing long marathons? Is it playing maps with jumps? Streams? Squares? You get the idea. You need to restart and find what's fun for you and embrace the reason of why you picked up the game in the first place. Relax, you will be fine. You will not improve if you start losing your way. Find your relaxed mode, embrace it, then pick up osu again when you are not worrying too much.
After that, we can talk improvement. As for some of your problems that you've listed, it seems to be a reading and aim issue. I don't know if dyslexia affects osu or not, and I'll probably never know, but it looks to me like that. Do you play mouse or tablet? I don't think this matters too much, but maybe mouse drift is killing you or your area is not nice to your aim hand, that sort of issue.
Play for yourself.
Don't give a single shit about others' performance. They can't impact you in any way. Half of your problem is that you care about this. It's a good thing to be competitive, but when you're being toxic to yourself, the first step you should do is scale it down and find the fun. Ask yourself: "what do I have fun with?" Is it playing songs by an artist you love? Is it playing long marathons? Is it playing maps with jumps? Streams? Squares? You get the idea. You need to restart and find what's fun for you and embrace the reason of why you picked up the game in the first place. Relax, you will be fine. You will not improve if you start losing your way. Find your relaxed mode, embrace it, then pick up osu again when you are not worrying too much.
After that, we can talk improvement. As for some of your problems that you've listed, it seems to be a reading and aim issue. I don't know if dyslexia affects osu or not, and I'll probably never know, but it looks to me like that. Do you play mouse or tablet? I don't think this matters too much, but maybe mouse drift is killing you or your area is not nice to your aim hand, that sort of issue.